Breaking News
July 1, 2008
What's in a name?MIAMI, Florida — Amidst a violent, clockwise swirling maelstrom of controversy, the National Weather Service and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have agreed to remove a controversial name from this year’s list of storms.
Regardless of of how many storms form in the Atlantic and the Gulf this year, there will be no Hurricane Motherfu**er.
“There just wasn’t a good reception for this particular name on this year’s list,” said NOAA spokesman Gunther Goodwood. “To say we were surprised is an understatement.”
But fifth grade teacher Gloria Ard said the NOAA should have been able to predict this storm.
“We get those tracking maps every year and follow storms with students. How are we supposed to talk to students about a hurricane named Motherfu**er? How does that possibly go in the Wednesday Weekly newsletter?”
Full Story »
July 1, 2008
I want my money back.RIVERFRONT — Citing the struggles presented by a lagging economy, a growing group of New Orleanians has contacted the Aquarium of the Americas to decades-old refunds on engraved brick donations.
Angelina Bomenicki received a donated brick as a Christmas gift while still in junior high. It reads: “Merry Christmas, Angina.”
Now a parent with a daughter in junior high to support and facing a subprime mortgage, she feels the refund is her best way to make ends meet.
“The government is just taking too long with my stimulus check, and I’ve got bills to pay,” Bomenicki said.
“It was a really lame gift. I wanted a Hypercolor shirt that year. This is my chance to get back on my feet and right a wrong from a long time ago.”
Full Story »
July 1, 2008
As a scheme for cheap publicity as well as an expression of sincere gratitude to our readers, The Creole-Tomato is proud to present “That’s One Hot Tomato!”
Our Editor-in-Chief thought it would be “a real winner” if we solicited readers to shill for New Orleans’ Localest News by sending in gainly photos of themselves with Creole Tomatoes.
Guys, um, we guess you can do it too…if you really wanna… we guess…
Anyway, send us a hot shot: thecreoletomato@gmail.com.
If you want you can sign it and send us a little bio. If you don’t we’ll just make something up. How ’bout it?
Without further ado, Welcome to “That’s One Hot Tomato!” Here’s Adele, mother of two, from Slidell. Thanks for the pic, Adele!
June 29, 2008
I'm Listening.I got myself conned by one a dem Bourbon Street husslers on “I knows where you got dem shoes.” The bet was $20.00. When he gave me the answer - I was at a total loss.
Being I actually got my shoe at Pay Less, the shoes were worth less than the bet. So I took your advise and “let em have it”, the shoes that is. He was mad and I had to walk back into the bar in my socks.
But despite having drunk 4 hurricanes, I could still remember your motto. And I did get back one shoe - the one he threw at my head as I went back into to bar.
Was I right or what?
–Willie
Willie,
I woke up this morning with my bones creaking, head aching, and my fedora bent. Essentially not feeling so “special.” So I drank a cup of Sanka, sat at my computer, and opened my intra-net email box.
I gotta tell you: I was struck by why I got into this game in the first place. It’s nice to be reminded by characters such as yourself that my help is valued and utilized in a wise and timely manner.
Full Story »
June 25, 2008
****EXCLUSIVE: MUST CREDIT THE CREOLE-TOMATO****
Dream Ticket?METAIRIE — Could New Orleans’ very own #1 Stunna become America’s hot prospect for the #2 Commander-in-Chief?
The C-T can report on an exclusive basis that Superstar Rapper Lil Wayne was spotted at Morning Call eating beignets and smoking with Presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee Barack Obama and several members of his Vice-Presidental selection committee last Sunday.
(Of note: Sen. Obama did not smoke any substances, but he was seen reapplying a nicotine patch).
Neither the Obama nor the Carter camp would comment Lil Wayne’s V.P. prospects, but Obama’s press secretary Bill Burton told reporters that “Senator Obama felt that he personally had to congratulate ‘Weezy’ on his new #1 album.”
Despite the standard denials, the secret meeting has ignited speculation in the punditocracy.
Full Story »
June 25, 2008
Your caption here.Welcome to The Creole-Tomato Famous Historical Caption Contest! Here’s how to play:
1. Witness yet another shining moment in the life of a Louisiana politician. This time it’s Mandeville Mayor Eddie Price. Sorry about the blurriness, but it is Causeway Police surveillance video after all.
2. Write in your caption in the “Leave a Comment” space on the page below. If you’d like your name included, put it in the form there. If not, don’t.
3. The best caption(s) chosen by our illustrious staff go up on The Creole-Tomato forever!
Our other rival New Orleans humor sites do it (but nowhere near as often or as well).
So why can’t we?
More Articles in Caption Contest »
June 20, 2008
The Most Adequate Rapper Alive?HOLLYGROVE — In a stunning press conference today, Hollygrove MC and ex-Hot Boy Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. (a.k.a. Lil Wayne, a.k.a. the Pussy Monster, a.k.a. Weezy F. Baby) admitted that he is not “the best rapper alive.”
Mr. Carter, visibly upset and flanked by lawyers, read from a prepared statement. He did not take questions.
“It’s about time my fans know the truth,” Carter said. “I am not, in fact, the best rapper alive. I am just pretty good.”
“I only hope that my fans can forgive me for misleading them and I look forward to regaining their trust.”
It was a stunning fall from grace that shocked the music industry, the sad finale to a hip-hop drama played out in the national media, the airwaves of WQUE, and defiant videos on YouTube.
Full Story »
June 20, 2008
Safe For Public Consumption Health column on May 27 about the nationwide Salmonella-Tomato scare misstated some aspects of the case of the online parody new site
The Creole-Tomato.
The Creole-Tomato, New Orleans’ Localest News Source, is not infected with Salmonella.
It is safe to read, write comments, and forward to ya Ma and ‘em.
The editors, with the full support of the United States Centers for Disease Control and the State of Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals, wish to assure our readers that The Creole-Tomato is safe for everyday consumption by adults, children, and animals.
The Creole-Tomato welcomes comments and suggestions, or complaints about errors that warrant correction. You can post your comments below any story on the site or you can email us at thecreoletomato@gmail.com
June 20, 2008
We're ALL outta here!METAIRIE PRACTICE FACILITY— In what has become a familiar off-season rite of passage, today Tom Benson threatened to move the entire city of New Orleans to San Antonio if he does not receive special subsidies from the State and Parish government.
“The population is down, costs are up; investment is down, foreclosures are up,” argued Benson.
“You have to question the long-term economic viability of keeping the City of New Orleans here in this location.”
“That said, I am 100% committed to keeping New Orleans in New Orleans forever,” he added. “I just need help from our partners in Baton Rouge to make it work.”
Benson called on the Governor to appoint a special commission to negotiate a package of tax breaks, parking fee increases, infrastructure improvements, and direct payments to him.
Full Story »
June 20, 2008
The Dolls Class of '08, Sans Brandi and Nikki
ATLANTA, Georgia — In a move that could never have been guessed by even the most rabid draft prognosticators, the Atlanta Falcons have swooped down to sign Brandi and Nikki, the two hottest Voodoo Dolls, for frontline placement in the ranks of the Atlanta Falcons Cheerleaders.
In a news conference to announce the move late yesterday, Falcons General Manager Thomas Dimitroff said:
“We’ve had our eyes on these ladies for quite a while, examining them very closely in slow-motion replays and extreme close-ups, often for hours at a time and very late at night.”
“We’re really, really excited,” he added. “Really excited.”
Speaking via satellite from the ESPN Zone restaurant in Baltimore, ESPN NFL draft expert Mel Kiper was stunned by the move.
Full Story »
