February 28, 2010
More Like Jane AwesomeWAREHOUSE DISTRICT–As the NOPD barricades are being lined up on the cross streets of Tchoupitoulas, New Orleans prepares for another round of citywide revelry. Three weeks after Fat Tuesday, New Orleans residents, still chanting “Who Dat!’ have caught the whiff of a party in sister city, Mandeville.
On March 6th , Mandeville, Louisiana, kicks off the fourteenth annual Old Mandeville Jane Austen Festival. The festival, actually staged across Lake Pontrachartrain from New Orleans, ” fosters the fine art of letter writing, a motif common to the works of Jane Austen.”
Twenty four miles of Causeway are not expected to hinder the thirsty populace of New Orleans.
“We know a good party when we see one,” said New Orleans Satellite Party Branch Assistant Manager of the Old Mandeville Jane Austen Festival Jimmy John O’Keefe. “And we’re bringing it to New Orleans.”
“This year we got permits to second line down the Orpheus Route.”
O’Keefe and company are expecting large crowds to bring out the Mardi Gras ladders, ice chests, and folding charirs for the parade.
“Besides the obvious debauchery that goes along with the OMJAF, we’ve got the 610 Stompers, the Marching 1,000, and flambeux.”
“Easily, our biggest year so far.” he added. “Oh yeah, and ‘Who dat!’”
February 13, 2010
Apparently it wasn't just an expression.BATON ROUGE, Louisiana – Baton Rouge and surrounding parishes awoke to a winter mix of sleet and snow blanketing the area.
But Barry Keim, an LSU climatologist, said the forecast was “not in any way related to the Saints Superbowl victory.”
“Yes, we know all know the expression ‘hell will freeze over before the Saints win the Superbowl,’” Klein said. “But this is an actual weather event. Baton Rouge is not hell.”
But Robert Ricks, a forecaster for the National Weather Service in New Orleans, disagrees.
“We’ve had indications for years that Baton Rouge was hell,” said Ricks. “This is just the final confirmation.
“It’s the seat of a corrupt state government, home to an intellectually bankrupt football factory passing as an institution of higher education, and a strip mall wasteland of chain-restaurant culture and cuisine.”
“If that’s not hell, I don’t know what is,” Klein added.
Klein’s forecast called for the snowfall to continue throughout much of the day covering East Baton Rouge Parish, Houston, Dallas, Atlanta, Arkansas, and Afghanistan.
February 9, 2010
State of Euphoria.NEW ORLEANS — Public Health officials are scrambling to combat the outbreak of a mysterious illness that forced the entire State of Louisiana to call in sick on Monday, February 8th.
“This illness appears to have a sudden onset but presents with no major symptoms to speak of,” said Dr. Pierre Buekens of the Tulane University School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine.
“The State reported fatigue, muscle weakness, mild headache, a loss of voice, and a pronounced state of god-like euphoria. But these symptoms are common and can be associated with any number of conditions.”
“It truly is mysterious,” he added.
In the meantime, New Orleans health officials are taking no chances.
While urging the public to remain calm, Mayor-elect Landrieu has announced that all SDT cleaning trucks will now have a special antibacterial agent added to their street soap sprayers.
“The antibiotic has a natural lemony scent, so the public should notice no difference,” he said.
Reached for comment, the State of Louisiana said that it is feeling “pretty damn good.” But it did add that it may not go into work on Tuesday either.
February 2, 2010
All rights reserved. Used with permission.POYDRAS STREET — For many years, Carnival-goers shouted a signature phrase to passing floats in hopes of attracting throws. All that revelry may end soon, however, due to a potentially precedent-setting lawsuit filed today in U.S. Eastern District Court in downtown New Orleans.
Disney Corporation today announced the filing of a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against William “Bill” Marchese and his wife, Pootie, both 78, of Gentilly. The Company claims the couple have infringed on their intellectual property rights every year since 1943 by shouting the phrase “Throw Me Something Mister” at parades.
Disney has sent the couple a “cease and desist” letter and has filed for millions in damages. They are seeking to join the couple’s neighbors, The Tapintos, also in their 70s, as co-defendants.
The letter reads, in part:
“The phrase ‘Throw my something [Mister]‘ (hereafter: “the phrase”) represents the creativity and hard work of persons long-employed by the Disney company, who has included the phrase in its scripted Theme Park parade experiences since 1982.
“As such, the Disney corporation reserves the right to determine who employs the phrase, when the phrase is employed, and for what purpose.”
As to why these couples were targeted as part of Disney’s legal effort is unclear. A Disney spokesperson familiar with the matter said simply:
“While there are many instances of the phrase’s unauthorized usage, we know that these individuals have been recklessly throwing this phrase around for years without any consideration for those who invented and cultivated it.”
When reached on the porch of his home, Mr. Marchese, a retired phone company employee, said simply: “They crazy.”
Anna Williamson, spokesperson for the Mayor’s tourism office, called the suit “absurd” and “opportunistic.”
Mr. Tapinto, the couple’s neighbor, simply replied “[Expletive] those guys.”
Similarly, Tina Finch, of Willkes Barre, PA, seen exposing herself at the Mystic Krewe of Perseus parade, said that she felt the suit was “random” but that, “whatever, there are other ways of getting beads, you know?”
February 1, 2010
Insert Title HereWEST BATON ROUGE PARISH – While the New Orleans’ Mayor’s Race gets lost in a shuffle of Black & Gold and Purple Green & Gold, Governor Jindal (R) has made a move that ought to interest the Big Easy voter.
Jindal, on Friday, January 29th (Ten days before the Saints upset the Colts or the night before Krewe de Vieux) moved to permanently shut down the office of Lieutenant Governor.
“It’s a useless post,” said Jindal spokeswoman Forsythe Paige-Moliette. “Total waste of time.”
It is no surprise that Jindal, a Republican considered to be a strong up-and-comer in the GOP, and Landrieu, a legacy Democrat, are often at odds even given their current posts.
But the news that the governor threw Landrieu under the bus went nearly unnoticed in the Who Dat Nation.
The Creole-Tomato, which aims to provide the localest news, sought comment from the Mitch Landrieu for Mayor campaign.
“Mitch was very good at being Lieutenant Governor,” Campaign Manager Montrose Baggs, Esq. wrote to us in an email.
“It’s a political position, right? Stands to reason he’ll be good at it. Whatever the political position, he is good at it, trust me. In fact, he was so good at that one, he very well may be the last Lieutenant Governor of the great state of Louisiana.”
“’Leave ‘em wanting more,’ that’s what I always say.”
February 1, 2010
No Place Like HomeAVONDALE, LA—The Creole-Tomato recently polled some fans of the Black and Gold to find a Miami aficionado who could share its New Orleans readership some “local” knowledge.
The C-T is pleased to feature Tammy and Donnie Tervalon of Avondale, Louisiana, as our resident Miami travel experts.
Tammy, a medical technician, travels with her husband Donnie, a longtime Sysco Deliveryman, to Miami, Florida once every two years for vacation.
This year it’s to watch the New Orleans Saints stomp the Indianapolis Colts.
We caught up with the Tervalons for some travel tips.
“There’s a ‘Fat Tuesday’ Daiquiri place right on the beach there. They don’t have the 190 Octane right, but they pour a good floater. Lemme tell you” –Tammy.
“This year I’m gonna get me one them “Black” Russians, me.” –Donnie.
Tammy usually gets her nails done at Sunset Nails on A-1-A. This year she said she’ll get “some of those little baby fleur- de-lis’s painted on, real classy, you know.”
“Yeah,” interjected Donnie, “And the NFL can go fuck theyselves!”
February 1, 2010
Carnival KnowlegeFRENCH QUARTER—On Saturday New Orleanians enjoyed its first parade of the 2010 Carnival Season by watching the Krewe du Vieux parade downs its traditional French Quarter route.
Locals anticipated the event as the heralding the beginning of a two week series of Mardi Gras events.
This season, however, the particularly raunchy club shocked even the most enthusiastic parade watcher.
The Krewe, whose horse drawn floats commented on Louisiana’s current political landscape, made great use of high brow humor, puns and clever innuendo.
The crowd was stunned.
“Where are all the dicks?” said Trudy Landry. “My sister told me this was a penis parade. In fact, I left my kids at home with my old man.”
Dr. John, the King of the Krewe De Vieux, flew in from New York City to ride. “I was honored to be a part of this parade, but this year they went and got rid of all the jokes. This p-rade used to be a real laugh”
Krewe De Vieux Captain Peter Johnson had this to say. “We’ve outgrown the cock and balls. We really tried to be clever.”
January 31, 2010
!["[Back in the day] we were boys," said Monroe III.](http://thecreoletomato.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/fatharrys.jpeg "fatharrys")
"[Back in the day] we were boys," said Monroe III.HURSTVILLE—Like most New Orleans residents, Ethan Walker Monroe III (a.k.a. “E-Walk”) is “stressing” over Super Bowl XLIV. But he’s stressing for a different reason than most, he told reporters outside of Fat Harry’s Bar Uptown.
Monroe III is unsure where his rooting interest should lie.
“Dude, I, like, totally knew Payton when we was back in high school,” said Mr. Monroe. “We’d hang here at Fat’s all the time on Thirsty Thursdays. And years before that, at 8 O’Clocks.”
“We were boys,” he added.
As a result, Monroe III, currently unemployed, says he is unsure whether he should be rooting for his hometown team or Manning’s Indianapolis club.
Monroe III describes a special bond between the two, and credits Manning as a major influence in his life.
“He totally got me to almost think about transferring to Newman and going out for football,” he said.
“We were boys,” he noted.
Asked if the two are still in regular contact, Mr. Monroe replied that he had “friended” Manning on a popular social networking website “a little while back,” but was still awaiting a reply.
“I’m sure he’s just busy,” Monroe said as he was putting his boat shoes back on and signing his tab to his father’s credit card. “He’ll write back.”
“We were boys,” he added.
Manning did not return calls for comment.
January 28, 2010
Whobig'sFAUBOURG MARIGNY—While everyone from Madison Avenue to Marerro argues over who owns “Who Dat,” one New Orleans company is emerging as a clear victor.
The closely-watched Simon Hubig Pie Company (NASDAQ: HUBG) is is primarily known for baking all of its products daily, for using fresh, local ingredients, and for being a vital measurement of inflation and consumer purchasing power.
But today, Savory Simon has waddled into the high-stakes world of intellectual property and beaten the NFL at its own game. In regulation, we might add.
Recently named Vice President of Public Relations for Hubig’s, Honeycutt James LeClaire, gave The Creole-Tomato this exclusive.
“We abhor the NFL’s boorish tactic of sending cease and desist letters sent to FluerTy Girl and Storyville T shirts,” said LeClaire. “We’ve got another loaf a-rising.”
“We’ve locked up domestic and international trademark usage of ‘Hu-Dat?!’ in perpetuity. And the NFL can’t do a damn thing about it..”
“Those idiots got it spelled wrong,” the masterbaker added.
“Hu doesn’t know how to spell a simple word like ‘Hu’?”
January 26, 2010
A cmn prblm this wknd.MANDEVILLE, Louisiana—Saints fan Ronnie Clark expressed frustration on Monday that his mobile phone’s “predictive text” feature—which helps you type faster by learning your most commonly-typed words—still hasn’t learned the phrase “Who Dat.”
“I must have sent that message a hundred times over the weekend,” Ronnie said. “And still I’m ending up with ‘Who Fat?’ half the time.”
“I sent that to my Mom and my girlfriend by accident,” he added.
Ronnie’s not alone, according to Verizon Wireless spokesperson Philip Hanson.
“Of the literally millions of text messages send into and out of the Greater New Orleans Metropolitan Area over the weekend, more than half of them read ‘Who Eat,’” said Hanson.
“We also saw a lot of ‘Who Fav?’ and ‘Who Dav?’ and ‘Who Dau?’”
To correct the problem, Hanson recommends that customer switch to the slower manual typing (or “Abc”) mode for composing text messages.
He also recommended that customers might consider switching their allegiance to a city known for better grammar.
“These phones are programmed to help our customers spell correctly and communicate with proper grammar,” said Hanson. “Clearly, they weren’t designed for New Orleans.”
In the meantime, Ronnie Clark says he’ll make do.
“I’ll keep sending out ‘Who Dats’ as fast as I can,” he said. “Even if they’re ‘Who Thats.’”
January 26, 2010
Reggie Bush conveys the log.CBD—The New Orleans Saints defeated the Minnesota Vikings 31-28 Sunday, clinching their first-ever Super Bowl berth.
“During the bye week, I gave this team a simple challenge: chaperone the arbor,” said Head Coach Sean Payton. “These players bought into the system and that’s exactly what we did. We conveyed the log.”
The Saints didn’t just introduce the Minnesota Vikings to the beam, they also delivered cypress at the feet of Vikings quarterback Brett Favre.
“We sourced the lumber, we traveled to where it was located, we obtained it, and, finally, we presented it to the quarterback,” said Defensive End Bobby McCrae. “All week in practice, our focus was on escorting that birch. And during the game, we consorted with it”
“They convoyed it, absolutely; they convoyed it and they conveyed it,” said a weary Brett Favre after the game. “And it wasn’t balsa, I assure you. That was pure mahogany that was visited upon me.”
“It felt like they superinduced a jungle on us out there,” added Vikings Pro Bowl Left Tackle Bryant McKinnie. “It was total remote reforestation.”
On offense, Quarterback Drew Brees revealed that a similar strategy had been at work: carrying the two-by-four.
“Ash, sycamore, walnut, teak, magnolia, hazel—you name it, we called it forth,” said Brees in the on-field postgame press conference.
“But you’ve really got to give credit to these fans,” Brees added. After years of undelivered timber, we were finally able to fetch the kindling and return with it to the place where the fans were.”
January 26, 2010
"I could feel the Miller Lite...flowing through my veins," said Thomas.METAIRIE PRACTICE FACILITY—Monday Morning Quarterbacking continues following the Saints 31-28 victory over the Vikings, but Coach Sean Payton knows where the credit for the franchise’s first Super Bowl berth belongs.
“I want to publicly thank Terrance Everheart of the 2800 block of Annunciation Street for calling for the Fourth Down Power Chug that turned the tide of this game,” Coach Payton said on Tuesday.
The Everheart-led Power Chug occurred on a critical fourth-and-inches play with 12:41 left in overtime. The play, a handoff to running back Pierre Thomas, picked up the first down, but just barely.
“I’ll admit it, we were tired out there,” said Coach Payton. “But somehow Terrance and eight of his friends continuously chugging beers from the time that the huddle broke to the time that the whistle blew the play dead gave us the power up we needed to get the job done.
“We executed the play, but they executed the Power Chug,” said Thomas. “It was as if I could feel the Miller Lite they were drinking flowing through my veins, giving me strength and power.”
“They say football is a game of inches,” Payton said. “But I know, and Mr. Everheart knows, sometimes it’s a game of fluid ounces.”
Reached for comment late Tuesday, Everheart said: “Drinking alcohol and cheering for the Saints are two of my fondest pastimes. I was happy to be able to combine these two passions to help my team and my city.”
While he made no promises about when he may again use his God-like power to alter the outcome of a sporting event, he promised that he will “continue to drink alcohol and cheer for the Saints” for the “foreseeable future.”
January 26, 2010
Every so often, The Creole-Tomato asks residents for their local reaction to a national event. This time, we asked the nation to react to a dramatic local event: the Saints making the Superbowl for the first time in their history.
“Well, frankly, it’s nice to hear that New Orleans isn’t asking for my hard-earned tax money to waste on corrupt construction projects. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get in my car and drive through $10 billion Big Dig tunnel.”
-Francis O’Riordan, Nurse, Boston
“New Orleans? Hm…doesn’t ring a bell, sorry.”
Craig Fugate, Administrator of FEMA, Washington, D.C.
“Playoffs? Playoffs? Are you kidding me?”
-James Mora, Sr., Retired, Seattle
So how’s it going down there? Is it all fixed yet?”
-Sharon Mickolajczyk, Travel Agent, Kenosha, WI
C-T Editors’ Note: Are you local? Do you have a reaction? Don’t feel left out! Click “leave comment” in the lower right-hand corner or fill in the box below.
September 1, 2009
'Out For Justice' or 'Fire Down Below'?JEFFERSON PARISH, Louisiana — In an attempt to move beyond films whose titles start with prepositions, the star of “Above the Law,” “Under Seige,” and “Out For Justice” has taken on a new role for a new reality TV series: Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Deputy.
But some in the community are questioning whether the controversial, egocentric, and washed-up action hero is the best choice to be patrolling Jefferson Parish’s sleepy and wealthy First District.
Critics point to an incident one particular incident where Seagal is accused of using a level violent force that some concerned community members who wish to remain anonymous are calling “excessive.”
Around 2:30 A.M. on August 2nd, Deputy Seagal responded to a routine call to break up a rowdy teenage party at 550 Woodvine Avenue in Old Metairie. A neighbor had called to complain about noise coming from the party, organized by Terrance Wilson, a St. Martin’s Senior whose parents were out of town.
Then all hell broke loose.
“He just walked into the party and started indiscriminately breaking arms for no reason,” said one witness.
“He asked me what I was drinking, and I told him it was a beer,” said another teenager who asked not to be identified.
“Then he told me I could ‘take that to the bank’ and hit me in the face with a cue ball wrapped in a bar towel.”
Cue Ball wrapped in a Bar Towel from the Major Motion Picture 'Out For Justice'Recently unsealed court records reveal that yes, the party did contain underage teenagers consuming alcohol from a central source (a keg) in violation of Louisiana and Jefferson Parish law.
But critics are wondering if that misdemeanor offense merited a police action that has so far killed 3 teenagers and left another 11 in the hospital.
For now, Jefferson Parish Sheriff Office is conducting its own internal investigation, but some fear a whitewash.
“What we have here is a classic ‘He Said, Dozens of Other People Said’ problem,” said one Deputy familiar with the case who was willing to speak on the condition of anonymity because of the ongoing investigation.
“I’m afraid there’s just no way to know what really happened that night,” the Deputy added.
But for those who were there at 550 Woodvine, it’s something they’ll never forget.
“It’s seared into my memory—at one point Deputy Seagal said he wanted to have a knife fight, so he gave a knife to [Terrance Wilson] and made him fight.”
Wilson later succumbbed to his wounds at Ochsner Hospital.
