August 17, 2009
While the number of murders committed in New Orleans remained basically steady in the first six months of 2009 compared with the same period last year, the New Orleans Police Department reported a decrease in other violent crime.
New Orleans Police Chief Warren Riley says the city’s crime-fighting strategies are changing daily. Violent crime in general decreased 13 percent, the department stated Thursday.
The department said Superintendent Warren Riley is pleased with the downward trend.
Riley announced earlier this month that not only would he not be vying for the office of mayor, but also he would step down on current Mayor C. Ray Nagin’s last day.
New Orleans based publication The Creole-Tomato observes the fact that the murder tally has remained basically the same. As of the end of June, the NOPD reported 97 murders in 2009 compared to 94 for the first half of 2008. As of Thursday afternoon, there were 118 murders in 2009 and 114 for the same period in 2008.
So crime is down in New Orleans. Violent crime, that is.
Thank you, Chief.
The Creole-Tomato urges Mr. Riley to reconsider his July statements and run for mayor. Perhaps your platform can be that violent crime is down, technically-speaking. In conjuction with a grassroots effort www.draftwarren.com The Creole-Tomato officially supports Warren Riley for New Orleans Mayor.
–Editors
April 26, 2009
Use Your Head!Dear New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival Goer,
Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Sense, Common Sense. I am here to pose to you a meaningful question, and do not presuppose to belittle your college education or your funny Jazz Fest-type style of clothing, and so on.
Actually, my name is Delicious Jones, but you see when I called my personage Mr. Common Sense, I got your attention and whatnot. That’s called a “hook.” Also, you look parched and splotchy and you can call me “D.”
As so stated prior to me statin’ that you can call me “D,” I have one question for you and all of you kind sweaty, sunburned folks in sandals, straw hats and Baby Bjorns. The question is simple:
WHY WOULD YOU BUY WATER INSIDE THE FAIRGROUNDS WHEN I’M SELLING IT FOR $1.50 CHEAPER RIGHT HERE?
There is a recession going on, in case you all were caught somehow unawares. Hard times.
Think about it.
Respectfully,
Delicious “Common Sense” A.K.A. Big “D” Jones
Delicious Jones is a vendor of ice cold water on N.Lopez Street. He can also find you a place to park. All opinions expressed in Op-Ed pieces are the solely those of the author. The Creole-Tomato assumes no responsibility for their content.
April 10, 2009
I'm Listening.Dear Special Man,
My girlfriend and I aint been getting along so good recently. It seems like everything I say to her gets on her nerves, and then she won’t speak to me for like weeks. Giving me the silent treatment and whatnot. She’s obviously got a problem with me, but she aint telling me what it is. Its driving me nuts. The only thing I think it may be is she’s always getting mad because I like to play my nintendo wii with the boys after work. Its such a release, to hang with my friends, playing Ninja Gaiden, drinking beer, partying. I’m thinking she’s getting jealous or something. But she knows I love her. Special man, I’m confused. I need help!!
Thanks bra,
Confused in Kenner
Confused in Kenner,
I think this problem your encountering is definitely connected to this game of yours. Now, I’ll be honest, I do not know what the hell a ninterdo wii is, but I’m assuming its some kind of European card game or some such. You and your brethren, obviously enjoy playing this game together, whilst drinking beers. I can’t blame you, I like to relax and drink a soothing beer after a hard day of being special. And, if you can do it in the company of your pals, why the hell not? But, if it’s taking time away from your lady, now that’s a problem. Now I don’t know how often yall play this game of yours, but I’m assuming its more often than the not.
Now for the solution: Next time your old lady is getting wound up cause you spending too much time playing games with friends: “Let her have it!” Give her the time she so craves, and spend less time playing the games with the boys, and you’ll find yourself in a heap of romantic lust you aint encountered since that first date supplying that demand in the back of that Joy’s Cinema.
Let love in,
Special Man
The Special Man, a successful businessman and multimedia personality, writes a regular advice column as a public service to our readers. If you’d like the advice of The Special Man, write to: DearSpecialMan@gmail.com.
For a whole new way to interact with The Special Man, you can also become his fan on Facebook. There you’ll find exclusive thinking from The Man himself as well as a lively discussion board where you can share your views on a variety of topics. Just search for: “The Special Man”
February 17, 2009
I'm Listening. Dear Special Man,
I haven’t missed Mardi Gras day in 26 years. I always have a blast. But this year is different. My wife of 12 years recently cheated on me and filed for divorce. (We actually met on Mardi Gras day). As you can imagine, I am an unhappy person right now. I want to go out and have a good time with friends and family, but I’m not sure if I’ll enjoy myself. I’m thinking of not even going. Thoughts?
Regards,
Lost in Lakeview
Dear Lost in Lakeview,
Comrade, my heart goes out to you.
There you are, in domestic bliss for 12 years with a young maiden you met at the mystical and magical celebration we New Orleanians call Mardi Gras. I mean, this holiday is even more sacred to you, due to the fact that this is where you found love. This is where you found “she.” But now “she” is gone and done you wrong.
I tell you, I understand how you are feeling.
Years ago, I had a met a kitten of a young lady I’ll call “Sadie”. This cherubic delight knocked my fedora off my head and the cigar out of my mouth, let me tell you. Anyways, she walked into Frankie and Johnny’s with her round hips and high heels, I got her the 50.00 and she gave me a whole lot more, believe me when I tell you. (But that’s neither here nor there).
Full Story »
January 28, 2009
Lookit by Terrance Atkinson,
Decatur Street Dancer
Hey Folks, come on and check this out. Me and my posse are getting ready to formulate this spectacular article for y’all’s reading enjoyment, but before we get this article underway, we need for just a few more folks to crowd in around your computer screen to come and check this article out.
Come on,bro. Don’t be shy. You in the office? Call your coworkers. If you at home, get the kids, your spouse … just don’t be shy.
Okay, good. We’re getting a few more readers coming to check out this article. That’s real sweet, y’all, and we thank you for your support. You ain’t gonna be disappointed in this article, folks. Y’all gonna relate to it and get a real feeling for the friendliness of the people of New Orleans. We laid back here, using phrases like “ain’t gonna” in our prose and all.
Ah! We got you. Did you see that article writing skill? That last paragraph contained masterful use of quotation marks, and this here paragraph started with an interjection. This crew takes article writin’ to a whole nother level.
Full Story »
January 7, 2009
The Special ManThere’s a lot of talk about economic stimulation these days.
Some experts like to talk about a middle-class tax cut. Some politicians cite so-called “shovel-ready” infrastructure projects. And still others like Lieutenant Governor Mitch Landrieu support Biotech. Whatever that nonsense is.
All these proposals are well and good, but in troubled times like these we need a time-tested stimulus package that I know can get this economy going: letting ‘em have it.
You see my friends, I know what it means to let’ em have it. And I’ve seen the kind stimulus it really can provide. Allow me to give you just one example:
One time, a woman walked into my store. She was on Social Security and Welfare, just declared bankruptcy, and had only fifty dollars to her name.
When I told her that she could have a brand-new bedroom set, she jumped up and down and clapped her hands vigorously.
Talk about stimulation!
I’ve seen this same scene play out day after day for decades now. I’ve seen it work in New Orleans. And now I’d like to see it work all across this great land of ours.
We shouldn’t invest not in tax cuts, schools, or roads. We need to let people have the living room and bedroom sets of their dreams.
Because when we let’ em have it, we don’t just let’ em have money, a job, or a new bedroom set. We let ‘em have something far more valuable.
We let ‘em have hope. And isn’t that what America is all about?
So if you’ve got nothing but the fifty dollars, we can let you have hope.
With no problem.
The Special Man is a successful businessman and multimedia personality. He welcomes your views on his Facebook page. Just search for: “The Special Man.”
All opinions expressed in Op-Ed pieces are the solely those of the author. The Creole-Tomato assumes no responsibility for their content.
December 10, 2008
I'm Listening. Special Guy,
What’s happening?! I recently moved to “Nawlins” from out of town. Still learning my way around this “Big Easy.” So far so good. The food is awesome, the people friendly and lots of great music. My question is: what is the deal with the love and loyalty for the Saints?! It seems like they have a terrible track record yet the locals love them. I don’t get it. What up?!
Rock on,
Newbie in New Orleans
Dear Newbie,
First of all, my name is not “Special Guy.” Its the “The Special Man.” Special Guy lives in Houma. (And let me tell you, he ain’t that special.)
Anyways, I’ll let this indiscretion slide due to your newfoundedness to our beautiful city of New Orleans. Now to your query: “What is the deal with the love and loyalty of the Saints?”
If you have to ask, you may never know. But I’ll do my best to explain for the Layman. The answer is as complex as a steaming bowl of Gumbo. Many ingredients shape the taste.
Full Story »
November 5, 2008
The Creole-Tomato recently polled its readers to find out what they thought was in store for defeated Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. 
October 31, 2008
Dr. Momus A. Morgus, also known as “Morgus the Magnificent” is New Orleans’ preeminent scientist. As a member of the “Higher Order” his specialty is of course Morgusian science. For the Creole-Tomato’s special Kiddies’ Korner Halloween update, Dr. The Magnificent has donated the below illusion. Just for Kids! Have Fun!
September 14, 2008
August 29, 2008
DIRECTIONS: Use the Key below to fill in the spaces marked with the corresponding crime statistics. Your pretty picture reveals a fun fact about your hometown! Have fun!
August 29, 2008
August 3, 2008
I'm Listening. Dear Special Man,
First of all, I just want to say its good to have you back!! I love your column. Although I’m not the type to ask for advice, I thought you might be able to help.
So, I’m 56 years old and run a seafood restaurant with my wife in the CBD. Our establishment is successful, I have a great crew, and my wife is a godsend. On the outside everything is wonderful. But I can’t help being plagued by self-doubt and impending doom. How’s that for dramatic? I just can’t shake it for some reason. I suppose its equal parts post Katrina, rising crime, and the recession. I want to enjoy my life and success but it’s somehow eluding me. Any words of wisdom?
Thanks!
Downtown Depressed
Dear Downtown Depressed,
So let me get this straight, you are a successful restauranteur in beautiful downtown New Orleans. You’ve got a lovely wife, dedicated employees, crustacean craving guests, and a business you care deeply about. On the outset you are handling business. But, there is an inner struggle that must be attended to.
Brother, you need to move like the Sun and “rise and shine.” Easier said than done? Maybe. But I’ve just begun.
Full Story »
July 29, 2008
In recent taste test experimentations, home-grown franchise corporation Smoothie King offered up a variety of new flavorings. Our INFOGRAPHIC portrays the most popular.
June 29, 2008
I'm Listening. Dear Special Man,
I got myself conned by one a dem Bourbon Street husslers on “I knows where you got dem shoes.” The bet was $20.00. When he gave me the answer – I was at a total loss.
Being I actually got my shoe at Pay Less, the shoes were worth less than the bet. So I took your advise and “let em have it”, the shoes that is. He was mad and I had to walk back into the bar in my socks.
But despite having drunk 4 hurricanes, I could still remember your motto. And I did get back one shoe – the one he threw at my head as I went back into to bar.
Was I right or what?
–Willie
Willie,
I woke up this morning with my bones creaking, head aching, and my fedora bent. Essentially not feeling so “special.” So I drank a cup of Sanka, sat at my computer, and opened my intra-net email box.
I gotta tell you: I was struck by why I got into this game in the first place. It’s nice to be reminded by characters such as yourself that my help is valued and utilized in a wise and timely manner.
Full Story »
May 19, 2008
May 19, 2008
April 24, 2008
I'm Listening. Dear Special Man,
My mom told me you helped her years ago. Something about you helping her to obtain the $50.00. How she accrued this, I don’t want to know, LOL. But she did say that you are excellent with advice and that’s why I’m writing to you today.
I am a 16-year-old sophomore attending Archbishop Chapelle High School. My dream since middle school has been to be a cheerleader. The problem I’m encountering is that I’m getting zero support from my family and the Chapellettes themselves. WTF!
I just think that no one believes that I have what it takes to be a Chapellette. Do you have any advice for me?
Thanks!!
Mystified in Metarie
Dear Mystified,
Girl, you sound like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You got a dream: Cheerleader. And now the “powers that be” (family and Chapellettes) seem to be working against you, on a level.
Full Story »
March 15, 2008
March 15, 2008
March 12, 2008
March 11, 2008
I'm Listening. The Creole-Tomato is proud to welcome our newest columnist, The Special Man. A successful businessman and multimedia personality, The Special Man will write a regular advice column. If you’d like the advice of The Special Man, write to: DearSpecialMan@gmail.com
Dear Special Man,
I’ve been working at the same insurance agency for the past 7 years. I love it. I’ve been top in sales since the beginning and never had a complaint. Until now.
We just got a new general manager who will not give me a break to save my life. He’s totally got this Napoleon complex. He’s always on my case, either nagging me about numbers or embarrassing me in front of my co-workers. He’s pushing me over the edge. I don’t know what to do. I want to step up to him, but am afraid that he’ll fire me on the spot. I need advice!
Thanks,
Humiliated in Harahan
Dear Humiliated,
You appear to be in a detrimental situation. You obviously love your job, and it sounds as if you’re successful. A dream situation, if you will. But now you have a small-statured man (I say this due to your Napoleonic reference) on your tail humiliating you in front of your coworkers. This sounds as if a nightmare has now entered your very being.
Full Story »
March 3, 2008
The controversial photo.Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, but now I am pissed.
I am fed up with the nay-sayers and the negative media. In my day, this would be considered trash-talking, and, frankly, I’m going to confront the slander.
It seems every time I want to have a little fun and cut loose a little bit, I get a barrage of negativity that borders on the insane. It can be anything from my downtime on Fridays to this recent hub-bub my myspace page concerning pictures from my Jamaican get-away last summer.
Is it a crime to sunbathe? I ask you, is it a crime to wander outside in your birthday suit while glazed in oil? Finally, is it a crime to pose proactively for one’s wife, a woman who loves you more dearly than any woman outside your mama? I think not.
Look, I’m not just a Mayor; I’m a grown-ass man. And if I want to expound various pics or my point of view via MySpace or outer space or whatever space, I should have that right.
Full Story »
November 14, 2007
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
Now I know there’s been a lot of controversy about the job I’ve been doing and there’s a lot of talk about shutting me down forever with a big dam.
I’m a big boy. I can handle criticism. But I want to set the record straight one thing.
Don’t call me Mister.
My father was “Mister” Go. You can call me Terence. Terence Go.
Full Story »
October 29, 2007
August 29, 2007
The local flood-protection advocacy group Levees.org gave the Army Corps of Engineers a grade of F in providing interim flood protection and called for an independent, comprehensive “8/29 investigation” as part of its second annual report card on the corps and Congress, issued Saturday.
What do you think?
August 15, 2007
A Shocking newly-published expose
The Honorable C. Ray NaginI’m gonna say it once. I’m gonna say it publicly. And I am gonna say it in plain black and white: You-Know-Who caused Katrina.
Many people may laugh at me. Many people may try to hush me up or brush me aside or send dementors after me. But I am not demented, and I am not going to Azkaban without a fight.
I have on my desk a just-published 759-page report which chronicles the history and motivations of a mad-man out to get us. While the names in the book have been changed, you’d have to be under a Confundus Charm not to see the codes of warning hidden in its pages.
Many government officials may dismiss the findings in this report, calling it a “book for children,” but I’m not going to make the same mistakes the Ministry of Magic made by ignoring the facts.
There’s a squib on my staff-that is to say, a person of wizarding heritage who lacks magical ability-and this squib believes we muggles-members of the non-wizarding community-must act now before our world is taken over by the Dark Lord.
Now, it’s a very long, complicated report; and, like I said, all the names in it have been changed since the real names are currently being “tracked” by the wizarding community as a way to prevent us from planning any counter-attack.
Full Story »
July 3, 2007
Jefferson's assets are frozen.TO: editor@thecreoletomato.com
FROM: wjefferson@house.gov
SUBJ: I Am Wrongingly Accused and Needing Your Help
For urgent business relationship:
I must solicit your strictest confidence in this Transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and ‘top secret’. I am sure and have confidence of your ability and reliability to prosecute a transaction of this great magnitude involving a pending transaction requiring maxiimum confidence.
I am top official of the federal government who is wrongingly accused of bribing a foreign official of the Government of Nigeria. But I am innocent of these charges. It is not us who is corrupt, but rather that Nigeria Government! Full Story »
June 3, 2007
May 1, 2007
Dear Editor,
In reference to your story entitled “Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets,” I for one would like to applaud commitment of the Starbucks Corporation to the recovery of the City of New Orleans.
At a time when outside investment is scarce, Starbucks is making a bold choice to support the city in our time of gravest need.
Not that I have any personal experience dealing with the grumblings of an insular, isolationist populace in the face of true progress, but I imagine that it must be very difficult for anyone who wants to create a restaurant-style experience that New Orlenians would have to travel to Houston or Baton Rouge to find.
Recall if you will the heated contention between local celebutard luddite Anne Rice and visionary restaurateur Al Copeland just a few short years ago.
Mr. Copeland has remained to rebuild New Orleans. Ms. Rice, in contrast, has fled to California to write either erotica or religious-themed fiction, whatever it is exactly she’s writing now.
Sincerely and Love That Chicken,
Hal Mopeland
Mandeville, LA
Related Story: Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets
May 1, 2007
May 30, 2006
Ain't no thing.After a period of protest following the announcement of the 2005 Pulitzer Prizes for Journalism, the Creole-Tomato resumed publishing today.
The protest began when cross-town rival paper The Times-Picayune was awarded two Pulitzer Prizes – journalism’s highest honor – for public service and breaking news.
“Everybody wants to slap the Times-Picayune on the back. Courageously riding out the storm, piling in the back of delivery trucks, blah, blah, blah,” said a co-editor of the Tomato who declined to be identified.
“We’re here too,” he continued. “And some of our correspondents are still living on boats.”
The Times-Picayune also won a gold medal for meritorious public service. Full Story »
January 15, 2006
Your message here.The other day, I took a break from hammering election-style advertisements on the Argonne Street neutral ground and looked around.
There are many signs up in New Orleans right now, but of all the signs out there, my sign is the best.
Why? Because against a sea of competitors offering precisely the same service that I do, I stand out.
First of all, I chose a powerful, bold typeface for the words “HOUSE GUTTING.”
My sign has a huge phone number. That’s really important, especially in a neighborhood with no working stoplights.
My sign is purple and gold like LSU. You have to play on people’s allegiances.
All those other signs have way too many words on them. Nobody cares if you’re “Fully Licensed, Bonded, and Insured.” It’s just too many words for people to read. Full Story »
October 30, 2005
The Special Man Much has been written about what to do with looters now that the City of New Orleans is returning back to normal. Some argue for stiff penalties, while others advocate leniency as long as the merchandise can be returned.
But to truly understand this question we must put ourselves in the mindset of the looter.
Imagine if you were caught in the middle of the flood. What would you have been thinking?
My home and livelihood have been destroyed.
My city is in chaos.
My life is in danger.
But I could use a new flat-screen TV and DVD entertainment center. Full Story »
