INFOGRAPHIC: What’s Next For Governor Palin?

The Creole-Tomato recently polled its readers to find out what they thought was in store for defeated Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

Kreole-Tomato Kiddies Korner: Optical Illusion

Dr. Momus A. Morgus, also known as “Morgus the Magnificent” is New Orleans’ preeminent scientist. As a member of the “Higher Order” his specialty is of course Morgusian science. For the Creole-Tomato’s special Kiddies’ Korner Halloween update, Dr. The Magnificent has donated the below illusion. Just for Kids! Have Fun!

The Kreole-Tomato’s Kiddie’s Korner: Fun Facts!

The Kreole-Tomato Kiddie’s Korner: Paint By Numbers!

The Creole-Tomato Crosspord Wuzzle

answers

Dear Special Man

I'm Listening.

First of all, I just want to say its good to have you back!! I love your column. Although I’m not the type to ask for advice, I thought you might be able to help.

So, I’m 56 years old and run a seafood restaurant with my wife in the CBD. Our establishment is successful, I have a great crew, and my wife is a godsend. On the outside everything is wonderful. But I can’t help being plagued by self-doubt and impending doom. How’s that for dramatic? I just can’t shake it for some reason. I suppose its equal parts post Katrina, rising crime, and the recession. I want to enjoy my life and success but it’s somehow eluding me. Any words of wisdom?

Thanks!

Downtown Depressed

Dear Downtown Depressed,
So let me get this straight, you are a successful restauranteur in beautiful downtown New Orleans. You’ve got a lovely wife, dedicated employees, crustacean craving guests, and a business you care deeply about. On the outset you are handling business. But, there is an inner struggle that must be attended to.

Brother, you need to move like the Sun and “rise and shine.” Easier said than done? Maybe. But I’ve just begun.

Full Story » »

INFOGRAPHIC: New Smoothie King Flavors

In recent taste test experimentations, home-grown franchise corporation Smoothie King offered up a variety of new flavorings. Our INFOGRAPHIC portrays the most popular.

Dear Special Man

I'm Listening.

I got myself conned by one a dem Bourbon Street husslers on “I knows where you got dem shoes.” The bet was $20.00. When he gave me the answer - I was at a total loss.

Being I actually got my shoe at Pay Less, the shoes were worth less than the bet. So I took your advise and “let em have it”, the shoes that is. He was mad and I had to walk back into the bar in my socks.

But despite having drunk 4 hurricanes, I could still remember your motto. And I did get back one shoe - the one he threw at my head as I went back into to bar.

Was I right or what?

–Willie

Willie,

I woke up this morning with my bones creaking, head aching, and my fedora bent. Essentially not feeling so “special.” So I drank a cup of Sanka, sat at my computer, and opened my intra-net email box.

I gotta tell you: I was struck by why I got into this game in the first place. It’s nice to be reminded by characters such as yourself that my help is valued and utilized in a wise and timely manner.

Full Story » »

Multimedia: Steamboat Natchez Calliope plays “Free Bird”

Multimedia: Steamboat Natchez Calliope plays “Project Chick”

Dear Special Man

I'm Listening.

My mom told me you helped her years ago. Something about you helping her to obtain the $50.00. How she accrued this, I don’t want to know, LOL. But she did say that you are excellent with advice and that’s why I’m writing to you today.

I am a 16-year-old sophomore attending Archbishop Chapelle High School. My dream since middle school has been to be a cheerleader. The problem I’m encountering is that I’m getting zero support from my family and the Chapellettes themselves. WTF!

I just think that no one believes that I have what it takes to be a Chapellette. Do you have any advice for me?

Thanks!!

Mystified in Metarie

Dear Mystified,

Girl, you sound like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You got a dream: Cheerleader. And now the “powers that be” (family and Chapellettes) seem to be working against you, on a level.

Full Story » »

Flambeaux Go Green

Canal Street Prostitute: “Why Didn’t Vitter Shop Local?”

De La Salle To Admit Boys

Dear Special Man

The Creole-Tomato is proud to welcome our newest columnist, The Special Man. A successful businessman and multimedia personality, The Special Man will write a regular advice column. If you’d like the advice of The Special Man, write to: DearSpecialMan@gmail.com

I'm listening.

Dear Special Man,

I’ve been working at the same insurance agency for the past 7 years. I love it. I’ve been top in sales since the beginning and never had a complaint. Until now.

We just got a new general manager who will not give me a break to save my life. He’s totally got this Napoleon complex. He’s always on my case, either nagging me about numbers or embarrassing me in front of my co-workers. He’s pushing me over the edge. I don’t know what to do. I want to step up to him, but am afraid that he’ll fire me on the spot. I need advice!

Thanks,

Humiliated in Harahan

Dear Humiliated,

You appear to be in a detrimental situation. You obviously love your job, and it sounds as if you’re successful. A dream situation, if you will. But now you have a small-statured man (I say this due to your Napoleonic reference) on your tail humiliating you in front of your coworkers. This sounds as if a nightmare has now entered your very being.

Full Story » »

Op-Ed: “It’s My Space, That’s Why They Call It MySpace”
by The Honorable C. Ray Nagin, Jr.

The controversial photo.

Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, but now I am pissed.

I am fed up with the nay-sayers and the negative media. In my day, this would be considered trash-talking, and, frankly, I’m going to confront the slander.

It seems every time I want to have a little fun and cut loose a little bit, I get a barrage of negativity that borders on the insane. It can be anything from my downtime on Fridays to this recent hub-bub my myspace page concerning pictures from my Jamaican get-away last summer.

Is it a crime to sunbathe? I ask you, is it a crime to wander outside in your birthday suit while glazed in oil? Finally, is it a crime to pose proactively for one’s wife, a woman who loves you more dearly than any woman outside your mama? I think not.

Look, I’m not just a Mayor; I’m a grown-ass man. And if I want to expound various pics or my point of view via MySpace or outer space or whatever space, I should have that right.

Full Story » »

Op-Ed: “Don’t Call Me Mister”
by The Mississippi River Gulf Outlet

Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.

Now I know there’s been a lot of controversy about the job I’ve been doing and there’s a lot of talk about shutting me down forever with a big dam.

I’m a big boy. I can handle criticism. But I want to set the record straight one thing.

Don’t call me Mister.

My father was “Mister” Go. You can call me Terence. Terence Go.

Full Story » »

INFOGRAPHIC: What Caused Katrina?

	The Oil Companies
	The Bush Administration
	The Carlyle Group/Halliburton
	God’s Wrath vs. The Gays
	God’s Wrath vs. Abortion
	“The Jews”
	A low pressure stsyem fueled by warm water in the Equatorial Central Atlantic driven towards the Gulf of Mexico by prevailing ocean currents and winds until it gathered enough force to become a cyclone.

INFOGRAPHIC: Do New Orleanians Trust the Corps’ 100 Year Levee Plan?

The local flood-protection advocacy group Levees.org gave the Army Corps of Engineers a grade of F in providing interim flood protection and called for an independent, comprehensive “8/29 investigation” as part of its second annual report card on the corps and Congress, issued Saturday.

What do you think?

Op-Ed: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Caused Katrina
by The Honorable C. Ray Nagin, Jr.

A Shocking newly-published expose

The Honorable C. Ray Nagin

Many people may laugh at me. Many people may try to hush me up or brush me aside or send dementors after me. But I am not demented, and I am not going to Azkaban without a fight.

I have on my desk a just-published 759-page report which chronicles the history and motivations of a mad-man out to get us. While the names in the book have been changed, you’d have to be under a Confundus Charm not to see the codes of warning hidden in its pages.

Many government officials may dismiss the findings in this report, calling it a “book for children,” but I’m not going to make the same mistakes the Ministry of Magic made by ignoring the facts.

There’s a squib on my staff—that is to say, a person of wizarding heritage who lacks magical ability—and this squib believes we muggles—members of the non-wizarding community—must act now before our world is taken over by the Dark Lord.

Now, it’s a very long, complicated report; and, like I said, all the names in it have been changed since the real names are currently being “tracked” by the wizarding community as a way to prevent us from planning any counter-attack.

Full Story » »

Letter to the Editor: I Am Wrongingly Accused
And Needing Your Help
by Congressman William Jefferson

Jefferson's assets are frozen.

TO: editor@thecreoletomato.com
FROM: wjefferson@house.gov
SUBJ: I Am Wrongingly Accused and Needing Your Help

For urgent business relationship:

I must solicit your strictest confidence in this Transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and ‘top secret’. I am sure and have confidence of your ability and reliability to prosecute a transaction of this great magnitude involving a pending transaction requiring maxiimum confidence.

I am top official of the federal government who is wrongingly accused of bribing a foreign official of the Government of Nigeria. But I am innocent of these charges. It is not us who is corrupt, but rather that Nigeria Government! Full Story » »

INFOGRAPHIC: What do you say when outsiders ask how things are going in New Orleans?

Letter to the Editor: New Orleans Needs Starbucks

Dear Editor,

In reference to your story entitled “Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets,” I for one would like to applaud commitment of the Starbucks Corporation to the recovery of the City of New Orleans.

At a time when outside investment is scarce, Starbucks is making a bold choice to support the city in our time of gravest need.

Not that I have any personal experience dealing with the grumblings of an insular, isolationist populace in the face of true progress, but I imagine that it must be very difficult for anyone who wants to create a restaurant-style experience that New Orlenians would have to travel to Houston or Baton Rouge to find.

Recall if you will the heated contention between local celebutard luddite Anne Rice and visionary restaurateur Al Copeland just a few short years ago.

Mr. Copeland has remained to rebuild New Orleans. Ms. Rice, in contrast, has fled to California to write either erotica or religious-themed fiction, whatever it is exactly she’s writing now.

Sincerely and Love That Chicken,

Hal Mopeland
Mandeville, LA

Related Story: Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets

INFOGRAPHIC: What’s Driving New Orleans
Economic Growth?

Creole-Tomato Finishes 37th in Pulitzer Voting, Resumes Publishing after Protest

Ain't no thing.

The protest began when cross-town rival paper The Times-Picayune was awarded two Pulitzer Prizes — journalism’s highest honor — for public service and breaking news.

“Everybody wants to slap the Times-Picayune on the back. Courageously riding out the storm, piling in the back of delivery trucks, blah, blah, blah,” said a co-editor of the Tomato who declined to be identified.

“We’re here too,” he continued. “And some of our correspondents are still living on boats.”

The Times-Picayune also won a gold medal for meritorious public service. Full Story » »

Op-Ed: My House Gutting Sign is the Best
by Harry Breedlove, Out-of-Town Contractor

Your message here.

There are many signs up in New Orleans right now, but of all the signs out there, my sign is the best.

Why? Because against a sea of competitors offering precisely the same service that I do, I stand out.

First of all, I chose a powerful, bold typeface for the words “HOUSE GUTTING.”

My sign has a huge phone number. That’s really important, especially in a neighborhood with no working stoplights.

My sign is purple and gold like LSU. You have to play on people’s allegiances.

All those other signs have way too many words on them. Nobody cares if you’re “Fully Licensed, Bonded, and Insured.” It’s just too many words for people to read. Full Story » »

Op-Ed: Let ‘Em Have It
by The Special Man

The Special Man

But to truly understand this question we must put ourselves in the mindset of the looter.

Imagine if you were caught in the middle of the flood. What would you have been thinking?

My home and livelihood have been destroyed.
My city is in chaos.
My life is in danger.

But I could use a new flat-screen TV and DVD entertainment center. Full Story » »