FAIRGROUNDS — Aretha Franklin is one of the giants of soul music, and indeed of American pop as a whole. More than any other performer, she epitomized soul at its most gospel-charged.
Her astonishing run of late-’60s hits with Atlantic Records — “Respect,” “I Never Loved a Man,” “Chain of Fools,” “Baby I Love You,” “I Say a Little Prayer,” “Think,” “The House That Jack Built,” and several others — earned her the title “Lady Soul,” which she has worn uncontested ever since.
“We are proud to announce that American music icon Aretha Franklin will be making her first-ever appearance at the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival presented by Shell,” event organizers said today. The Saturday, April 24 performance by Aretha Franklin at Jazz Fest will be the only chance to see the legendary soul diva south of New Jersey next year. The Festival is scheduled for April 23 – May 2, 2011.
“Over the years I’ve always enjoyed scheduling a performance at Jazz Fest,” said Franklin. “Everyone connected with the Festival, and in particular Quint Davis, has created an atmosphere that is both musical and enjoyable. I am looking forward to the opportunity to perform with at the 2011 Festival.”
Davis, the helmsman of Jazz Fest, was expected to answer questions about Franklin’s frequent cancellations said only that he, “is so excited to have Ms. Franklin on the 2011 schedule.”
WAREHOUSE DISTRICT–As the NOPD barricades are being lined up on the cross streets of Tchoupitoulas, New Orleans prepares for another round of citywide revelry. Three weeks after Fat Tuesday, New Orleans residents, still chanting “Who Dat!’ have caught the whiff of a party in sister city, Mandeville.
On March 6th , Mandeville, Louisiana, kicks off the fourteenth annual Old Mandeville Jane Austen Festival. The festival, actually staged across Lake Pontrachartrain from New Orleans, ” fosters the fine art of letter writing, a motif common to the works of Jane Austen.”
Twenty four miles of Causeway are not expected to hinder the thirsty populace of New Orleans.
“We know a good party when we see one,” said New Orleans Satellite Party Branch Assistant Manager of the Old Mandeville Jane Austen Festival Jimmy John O’Keefe. “And we’re bringing it to New Orleans.”
“This year we got permits to second line down the Orpheus Route.”
O’Keefe and company are expecting large crowds to bring out the Mardi Gras ladders, ice chests, and folding charirs for the parade.
“Besides the obvious debauchery that goes along with the OMJAF, we’ve got the 610 Stompers, the Marching 1,000, and flambeux.”
“Easily, our biggest year so far.” he added. “Oh yeah, and ‘Who dat!’”
AVONDALE, LA—The Creole-Tomato recently polled some fans of the Black and Gold to find a Miami aficionado who could share its New Orleans readership some “local” knowledge.
The C-T is pleased to feature Tammy and Donnie Tervalon of Avondale, Louisiana, as our resident Miami travel experts.
Tammy, a medical technician, travels with her husband Donnie, a longtime Sysco Deliveryman, to Miami, Florida once every two years for vacation.
This year it’s to watch the New Orleans Saints stomp the Indianapolis Colts.
We caught up with the Tervalons for some travel tips.
“There’s a ‘Fat Tuesday’ Daiquiri place right on the beach there. They don’t have the 190 Octane right, but they pour a good floater. Lemme tell you” –Tammy.
“This year I’m gonna get me one them “Black” Russians, me.” –Donnie.
Tammy usually gets her nails done at Sunset Nails on A-1-A. This year she said she’ll get “some of those little baby fleur- de-lis’s painted on, real classy, you know.”
“Yeah,” interjected Donnie, “And the NFL can go fuck theyselves!”
FRENCH QUARTER—On Saturday New Orleanians enjoyed its first parade of the 2010 Carnival Season by watching the Krewe du Vieux parade downs its traditional French Quarter route.
Locals anticipated the event as the heralding the beginning of a two week series of Mardi Gras events.
This season, however, the particularly raunchy club shocked even the most enthusiastic parade watcher.
The Krewe, whose horse drawn floats commented on Louisiana’s current political landscape, made great use of high brow humor, puns and clever innuendo.
The crowd was stunned.
“Where are all the dicks?” said Trudy Landry. “My sister told me this was a penis parade. In fact, I left my kids at home with my old man.”
Dr. John, the King of the Krewe De Vieux, flew in from New York City to ride. “I was honored to be a part of this parade, but this year they went and got rid of all the jokes. This p-rade used to be a real laugh”
Krewe De Vieux Captain Peter Johnson had this to say. “We’ve outgrown the cock and balls. We really tried to be clever.”
JEFFERSON PARISH, Louisiana — In an attempt to move beyond films whose titles start with prepositions, the star of “Above the Law,” “Under Seige,” and “Out For Justice” has taken on a new role for a new reality TV series: Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Deputy.
But some in the community are questioning whether the controversial, egocentric, and washed-up action hero is the best choice to be patrolling Jefferson Parish’s sleepy and wealthy First District.
Critics point to an incident one particular incident where Seagal is accused of using a level violent force that some concerned community members who wish to remain anonymous are calling “excessive.”
Around 2:30 A.M. on August 2nd, Deputy Seagal responded to a routine call to break up a rowdy teenage party at 550 Woodvine Avenue in Old Metairie. A neighbor had called to complain about noise coming from the party, organized by Terrance Wilson, a St. Martin’s Senior whose parents were out of town.
Then all hell broke loose.
“He just walked into the party and started indiscriminately breaking arms for no reason,” said one witness.
“He asked me what I was drinking, and I told him it was a beer,” said another teenager who asked not to be identified.
“Then he told me I could ‘take that to the bank’ and hit me in the face with a cue ball wrapped in a bar towel.”
Cue Ball wrapped in a Bar Towel from the Major Motion Picture 'Out For Justice'
Recently unsealed court records reveal that yes, the party did contain underage teenagers consuming alcohol from a central source (a keg) in violation of Louisiana and Jefferson Parish law.
But critics are wondering if that misdemeanor offense merited a police action that has so far killed 3 teenagers and left another 11 in the hospital.
For now, Jefferson Parish Sheriff Office is conducting its own internal investigation, but some fear a whitewash.
“What we have here is a classic ‘He Said, Dozens of Other People Said’ problem,” said one Deputy familiar with the case who was willing to speak on the condition of anonymity because of the ongoing investigation.
“I’m afraid there’s just no way to know what really happened that night,” the Deputy added.
But for those who were there at 550 Woodvine, it’s something they’ll never forget.
“It’s seared into my memory—at one point Deputy Seagal said he wanted to have a knife fight, so he gave a knife to [Terrance Wilson] and made him fight.”
Wilson later succumbbed to his wounds at Ochsner Hospital.
GRETNA, Louisiana — Rapper Corey “C-Murder” Miller announced today through his attorney that he has changed his name to “C-Parole,” effective immediately.
Miller’s attorney Stephen Goroney denied that the the rapper’s unexpected name change had anything to do with the fact that Miller was recently sentenced to life in prison for the second-degree murder of 16-year-old fan Steve Thomas.
Miller is also serving a 10-year sentence following no contest plea to two counts of attempted murder in a separate altercation at a nightclub in Baton Rouge in 2001.
“I know the cynics out there like you in the media are going to make some sort connection, but trust me: this is something that C-Parole has been thinking about for a long time,” said Goroney.
He told reporters that C-Parole’s name change is just another in “a well-established tradition of near-constant renaming within the hip-hop and music community.”
“Puff Daddy became P. Diddy and then Diddy. Prince became the The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and then a Symbol and then Prince again,” said Goroney.
“The Potential Future Parolee Formerly Known As C-Murder is no different.”
Welcome to The Creole-Tomato Famous Historical Caption Contest! Here’s how to play:
Your Caption Here
1. Witness the single greatest Jazz Fest moment you can have at the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival 2009.
2. Write in your caption in the “Leave a Comment” space on the page below. If you don’t see the space below, just click the “leave comment” link in the lower right-hand corner of the story.
3. If you’d like your name included, put it in the form there. If not, don’t.
4. The best caption(s) chosen by our illustrious staff go up on The Creole-Tomato forever!
Several prominent young professionals were arrested and charged with assault and resisting arrest on Wednesday night following a small riot at Lafayette Square. All of the New Orleans residents booked declined comment.
According to NOPD Chief Warren Riley a “barroom brawl” type melee broke out from a mosh pit during the Amada Shaw and the Cute Guys performance at the YLC’s Wednesday at the Square serial free concerts.
The Young Leadership Council, a non-profit, non-partisan civic organization, organized free shows from April 1 through June 17. The music plays from 5 to 7:30 p.m. in Lafayette Square just off Poydras Street.
No word on whether the disturbance has effected plans to continue the series.
Spokeswoman Loftis “Muffy” Bendercott of the YLC has placed some blame on Ms. Shaw and her band.
“I mean, they were a little rambunctious from the start. After they started on the second song, people started going crazy. My husband, Trevor; he’s with Phelps, some punk kid knocked in to him and he got Crawfish Monica all over his new light blue Vineyard Vines crew pants.”
“I’m going to see to it that that little b%@$# never sets foot on Lafayette Square again.”
JACKSON SQUARE — Mystical clairvoyant Silvio “Pretern” Jospheus sits solemnly in his LSU folding chair behind a folding table that supports a deck of tarot cards, a crystal ball, several voodoo type charms, and a pack of Salem Lights.
Mr. Jospheus is a fixture on the Pedestrian Mall of Jackson Square where the different types of fortune tellers and card readers create a famous New Orleans backdrop.
These are the priests and priestesses whom so many tourists and local politicians put their trust into on a daily basis.
Jospheus made a recent prediction that caught the attention of the Senior Editorial Board of The Creole-Tomato.
“I foresee into the future,” said the scarf-clad visionary, “that this very article will appear in the New Orleans Levee.”
Reached for comment, The Creole-Tomato’s editors replied: “That’s not news!”
CHALMETTE, Louisiana — For three days and two nights, illusionist David Blaine will enjoy an unusual view of New Orleans’ living–one that can only be enjoyed from the confines of a 2005 Model B FEMA trailer.
The famed magic man will be residing for 60 hours in St. Bernard parish contained within and expected to live a normal life in what some call a “toxic tin can.”
The magician’s latest stunt, called “Caged Heat,” began 8:30 this morning as he was escorted by former parish president Junior Rodriguez and Jeremy Piven into his FEMA trailer on Lloyds Ave. The effort will reportedly culminate in Blaine emptying his septic tank at 11 p.m. Wednesday.
Dr. Ronald Ruden, Blaine’s physician, told The C-T that when he first heard the name of the stunt, “It scared the hell out of me.”
“I wouldn’t do it,” claims magic rival and television mindfreak, Criss Angel.
“Honestly, the realm of magic is a mysterious one, and the shear mystery of what Blaine’s about go through is enough to confound the very senses of the greatest of sages!”
“I always liked that idea of being within a cocoon,” Blaine said. “So I started experimenting on how long could somebody maintain his sanity within a pod-like structure issued by a failed government adminstration. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is not smoke and mirrors.”
Ronnie Goucheaux, local St. Bernard resident and city council member, was asked about Blaine’s fitness for this feat of endurance.
LOWER 9th WARD — A small crowd of onlookers gathered on the sidewalk on the 2300 block of Marais Street yesterday causing traffic congestion and rubbernecking. A number of drivers pulled over an got out of their vehicles to see what the fuss was all about.
Passers-by abruptly forgot their errands and fished cell phones from pockets to call their friends.
Locals and visitors alike have been noticing new art work due to a program called Prospect 1. It is a biennial of international contemporary art at sites throughout New Orleans through Jan. 18.
Amid the stunning and sometimes over-the-top creations of Prospect 1 speckling the city, it seems this particular art installation on the 2300 block of Marais has stolen the show.
The installation, which is approximately 8 feet tall includes ‘found objects’ such as two Christmas trees, an SDT issue rolling receptacle, four pieces of 3/4″ plywood of various sizes, a dilapidated microwave, a number of black plastic sacks with unknown contents. It calls to minds the famous historical West End landfill of 2005.
OLD METRY — Metairie residents were greeted today by a new resident, Lumpy the Snowman.
Lumpy, a 1-foot high stack of snowman sporting the seasonal accessories of a single Winn-Dixie carrot and 2 twigs, quickly became an object of local fascination.
But after an intial response of joy and excitement, Lumpy has lately been frightening neighborhood children with existential musings about his contorted body, lack of eyes, the futility of life, and the ephemeral nature of Christmas cheer.
“I mean seriously, how long can this go on? A day? Maybe, a day and and a half?” asked Lumpy, as 9-year-old Tammy Kennedy wept softly nearby.
“I know that life is short, but I wish Lumpy would just shut up and enjoy the time that he actually has instead of complaining about how short it is,” the young girl sobbed.
Welcome to The Creole-Tomato Famous Historical Caption Contest! Here’s how to play:
1. Examine the unphotoshopped photo pirated off the web.
2. Write in your caption in the “Leave a Comment” space on the page below. If you don’t see the space below, just click the “leave comment” link in the lower right-hand corner of the story.
3. If you’d like your name included, put it in the form there. If not, don’t.
4. The best caption(s) chosen by our illustrious staff go up on The Creole-Tomato forever!
MANHATTAN, New York — Macy’s Thanksgiving Day So-Called “Parade,” a tradition that began in 1924 as a way to nudge consumers toward the holiday shopping season, will take place on Thursday.
The parade begins at 77th Street and Central Park West, on the way, way Northshore.
Here’s how to get there:
1. Fly to Newark, New Jersey.
2. Take NJ Transit trains to Penn Station, near Herald Square, or buses to Port Authority/42nd Street.
3. Elude the crowds by hopping on the 1, 2 or 3 train to 72nd Street at Broadway, or the 1 train to 50th Street. Subway fare is $2.
KENTWOOD, Louisiana — The most important musician in the history of Louisiana is topping the charts for the first time in a decade, Billboard reports.
Kentwood, Louisiana, native Britney Spears’ new song, “Womanizer,” shot from 96 to 1 in one week, a record-breaking climb up the Hot 100 chart.
The singer hasn’t been this high on the chart since her debut single, “…Baby, One More Time,” ranked No. 1 in 1999.
The rumor mill is buzzing. The paparazzi is polishing its collective lens.
There are a few nagging question that Camp Brit in Kentwood has yet to address.
Is there a Sex Tape? What about Spears’ children? What does this mean for sister Jamie Lynn? Will Britney return to Kentwood? Stay in Hollywood? Is there a Sex Tape? When will the tour kick off? Is there a Sex Tape? Where can one get a free copy of the Sex Tape? On the internet? Really? Where on the internet? Can you see very much? Does she make out with a girl in it? A striptease, eh? If we go to that site, do you think we could get any computer viruses? …Ha ha…You’re right, we’re going to go there anyway.
The Creole-Tomato’s “That’s One Hot Tomato!” is in ya face with a Halloween Hottie!
Meet Chasey. She is a Loyola University Enviroomental Studies major from Carson City, Nevada. She’s going out on Halloween as a Creole-Tomato. With those vines we couldn’t be happier. Happy Halloween, Chasey!
If you too have a steamy, sexy pic that you’d like to share (with Creole Tomato(es), course). Email thecreoletomato@gmail.com
SOUTH SHORE HARBOR — If you hear the bone-rattling sound of the old New Orleans Zephyr in the air over the next few months, it’s not your nostalgic imagination.
After much debate about where to produce their next project, the former New Orleans based production company Butter & Pickles Only Entertainment has decided to return to their home town to make their film, “Pontchartrain Screech.”
The movie will be shot entirely in the city with production scheduled to start in September.
“Pontchartrain Screech” is a thriller loosely based on the famous French play “Huis Clos” by Jean-Paul Sartre.
Except much bloodier.
It explores the darker nature of relationships as a couple gets trapped in the long since demolished amusement park where they blindly torture each other by prodding each other’s past sins.
Meanwhile, an unknown freak-show-style killer is on the loose.
With the executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer on board, success is almost garaunteed.
“We’ve got the old Pirates of the Carribean crew recreating Pontchartrain Beach exactly as it used be, but spookier and more exaggerated. To call it cartoonish would be an understatement,” Bruckheimer let on.
Co-owners of the local production company, Landy “Butter” Rhodes and Capshaw “Pickles” Bertrand, are eager to continue being a part of the growing film industry in Louisiana.
She was best known as the pint-sized moppet who sang: “Wosenbergs, Wosenbergs, 1825, Tulane” back in the early 1960’s for the popular furniture store.
THEN
The tune was lauded as “one of the best jingles to ever come out of the Crescent City” according to legendary songsmith Quincy Jones
“It really reflects the time and place as well as the desire to buy an affordable couch or kitchen island from a reputable Jewish family in old New Orleans, 1962.”
But life didn’t come so easy for our singing cutie.
The 60’s, drug use, pole-dancing, cock-fights, and very public rendezvous with former Governor Edwin Edwards plagued the former child star. But by the 1980’s, things turned around.
CT: Do you blame your previous indiscretions on child stardom?
“On its dizzy top stands the bronze figure of one of the worlds greatest captains. He is alone. Not one of his mighty lieutenants stand behind, beside or below him. His arms are folded on that breast that never knew fear, and his calm gaze meets the morning sun as it rises, like the new posperity of the land he loved and served so masterly, above the far distant battle fields where so many thousands of his gray veterans lie in the sleep of fallen heroes.”
The quotation above is taken from The Century Illustrated Monthly Magazine, published in 1885–one year after the unveiling of the statue of General Robert E. Lee.
The sixteen-and-a-half-foot, 7,000 pound statue of Lee stands tall upon a glittering column of white marble in the middle of Lee Circle, facing north.
It is, without a doubt, our fair city’s most prominent monument in one of its most prominent places, the route of streetcars, the best Mardi Gras parades, and more than the occasional touris
Recently, the proud city of Metairie, Louisiana, unveiled a similar shrine to one of her dauntless heroes of days gone by. One year after his death, Jefferson Parish unveiled a bronze statue of 27-year Jefferson Parish Sheriff Harry Lee.
Welcome to The Creole-Tomato Famous Historical Caption Contest! Here’s how to play:
1. Whip out your trusty magnifying glass and examine this exchange of ideas between Saints Head Coach Sean Payton and an NFL official. (If you were within earshot at the game, you’re not eligible.)
2. Write in your caption in the “Leave a Comment” space on the page below. If you don’t see the space below, just click the “leave comment” link in the lower right-hand corner of the story.
3. If you’d like your name included, put it in the form there. If not, don’t.
4. The best caption(s) chosen by our illustrious staff go up on The Creole-Tomato forever!
CHICAGO, Illinois — New Orleans native Blake Sonza streamed WWLTV.com’s live Gustav coverage on while on the toilet in a friend’s apartment in the Wicker Park neighborhood of Chicago, it was revealed today.
Sonza, a bartender and part-time graduate studenton a trip to the Windy City planned long before the storm, was riveted by live pictures of the storm surge overtopping the western floodwall of the Industrial Canal.
“I just felt like I need to know,” said Sonza.
“After Katrina, we saw how one breach could flood the entire city. I couldn’t not witness history, however grim it might be.”
Sonza says that, because he brought the laptop on his bare legs, he was able to witness live the first video of the overtopping presented by WWL-TV reporter Mike Hoss to anchors Dennis Woltering and Angela Hill.
“I just felt so helpless,” Sonza said. “I was so far away and unable to do anything to help my friends, my family, or my town. All I could do was watch.”
After Le Petit’s announcement of the opening of Popeye-n-Pals: The Musical! many New Orleans residents have been asking a few questions:
Are we ready for another musical based off a TV show? Much less a TV show based on children eating fried chicken? And, furthermore, should this replace the revival of ‘Nunsense?’
BYWATER — New Orleans residents were surprised by the recent discovery by Bywater resident Adam Robichaux that what were previously thought by all to be merely free table liners for crawfish boils are in truth actual news magazines.
The Creole-Tomato has confirmed that the city’s premier choice for crawfish boil table lining is in fact a monthly tabloid entertainment periodical entitled “Where Y’at?”
“Dozens of business throughout the city have these things stacked outside their doors free for the taking,” said Robichaux.
“I and everyone else assumed that they were just complimentary ad rags to be used for table liners. But when I took a closer look at one the other day, I was surprised to find what appeared to be news stories and editorials.”
As it turns out, Robichaux’s observations were only slightly off the mark.
CBD — Hollywood insiders are buzzing about recent rumors of George Lucas swarming around the New Orleans Arena, known also as the Hive, given the relative success of the New Orleans Hornets NBA franchise.
In the height of the offseason, rumor has it that Chris Paul(a.k.a. CP3) has been solicited by the man behind the six Star Wars movies.
Could another trilogy featuring the city’s own CP3 be in the making?
When asked for comment Hornets MVP CP3 stated that he was programmed primarily for protocol and language.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Your astral superpower is the ability to make someone’s day. Don’t let your mama’s mama bring you down. You’re especially effective with a couple of well placed “Yeah You Rights.”
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Go ‘head and take that RTA job. You may feel that you don’t have much to offer someone, but it’s important that you contribute what you can. Besides after buses, there’s the streetcar. It’s in the cards…I mean stars.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Events seem to be catching up with you. Let them. When was the last time you had an Oyster Loaf from Ye Old College Inn?
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Are you afraid that if you don’t say “yes” to every interesting offer, you’ll be missing out on something? Perhaps. Or perhaps since you live in “Cancer” Alley you should take a bigger bite.
WAREHOUSE DISTRICT — On the 500 block of Julia Street on Saturday night, local attorney Ronald Manjarrias finally understood the purpose of White Linen Night when witnesses overheard him asking his wife and family: “Hey, doesn’t this thing have something to do with art?”
His wife Nadira Manjarrias stated that her husband has been always “been a little off,” but she was disappointed considering that this was her husband’s sixth consecutive White Linen Night.
She also recalled him wandering into a commercial gallery or two over the years.
“I guess I can rationalize this lapse because every year Ronnie just runs off and gets a bunch of those Bingo tickets, you know, the ones for drinks, and disappears,” she said.
MANHATTAN, New York — With the release of his new album “The City that Care Forgot,” Dr. John, the Night-Tripper, nee Mack Rebbenack spews venom at the various institutions he believes have abandoned the Big Easy in her time of need.
The Creole-Tomato caught up with The Doctor in his luxurious penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan to talk about the album.
“It’s really time for a change,” said John, sipping a Belvedere vodka bloody mary with cocktail shrimp out of a goblet made of solid gold.
“I just can’t stand the hypocrisy of all these people who say they stand with the city and then walk away.”
And who are these people exactly? John’s new album takes aim at plenty of people, from government to corporations.
“It’s a land grab,” said Rebbenack, as he surveyed his substantial New York real estate holdings while reclining in a hammock made of silk on his 1,000-square foot marble terrace with 180-degree views of Central Park.
As a scheme for cheap publicity as well as an expression of sincere gratitude to our readers, The Creole-Tomato is proud to present “That’s One Hot Tomato!”
Our Editor-in-Chief thought it would be “a real winner” if we solicited readers to shill for New Orleans’ Localest News by sending in gainly photos of themselves with Creole Tomatoes.
Guys, um, we guess you can do it too…if you really wanna… we guess…
Welcome to The Creole-Tomato Famous Historical Caption Contest! Here’s how to play:
1. Witness yet another shining moment in the life of a Louisiana politician. This time it’s Mandeville Mayor Eddie Price. Sorry about the blurriness, but it is Causeway Police surveillance video after all.
2. Write in your caption in the “Leave a Comment” space on the page below. If you’d like your name included, put it in the form there. If not, don’t.
3. The best caption(s) chosen by our illustrious staff go up on The Creole-Tomato forever!
Our other rival New Orleans humor sites do it (but nowhere near as often or as well).
HOLLYGROVE – In a stunning press conference today, Hollygrove MC and ex-Hot Boy Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. (a.k.a. Lil Wayne, a.k.a. the Pussy Monster, a.k.a. Weezy F. Baby) admitted that he is not “the best rapper alive.”
Mr. Carter, visibly upset and flanked by lawyers, read from a prepared statement. He did not take questions.
“It’s about time my fans know the truth,” Carter said. “I am not, in fact, the best rapper alive. I am just pretty good.”
“I only hope that my fans can forgive me for misleading them and I look forward to regaining their trust.”
It was a stunning fall from grace that shocked the music industry, the sad finale to a hip-hop drama played out in the national media, the airwaves of WQUE, and defiant videos on YouTube.
CBD – His given name is Fred Radtke, president of the Louisiana not-for-profit organization Operation: Clean Sweep.
But he’s called The Gray Ghost.
This elusive anti-graffiti vigilante uses his signature gray paint to cover up blights on our fair city’s landscape.
And while some people consider him a great citizen fighting to help keep New Orleans beautiful others consider him a vandal that is only adding to the problem.
Now The Gray Ghost is painting with an entirely different brush-in a court of law.
His target? Michael “Rex” Dingler, artist and founder of NolaRising, a public art campaign of whimsical, bright sign art installations around the city.
If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?
FRENCH QUARTER – Hundreds of tourists and carriage drivers were surprised to hear something different in the air coming from the Toulouse Street Wharf yesterday.
Instead of hearing the traditional calliope playlist of “The Entertainer” and “Singin in the Rain,” they were treated to a steam-powered version of the classic rock anthem “Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd.
“Well, we’d playing the classics for quite a while now,” said Captain James “Trippy” Delestinier of the Steamboat Natchez.
“And the other day I saw these long-haired kids sitting out on the Moonwalk drinking beers and smoking something. Just after I finished “The Michigan Rag,” one of them yelled out: ‘Free Bird!’”
Multimedia: Hear the Steamboat Natchez Calliope in action.
ASTORIA, New York – New Orleans native Michael Alexander couldn’t make it to JazzFest this year. And he couldn’t be happier.
Alexander, a freelance web designer, streamed the entire second weekend of the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival from the comfort of the office/living room/kitchen of his $1800 per month studio apartment in Queens, New York.
“You know what,” said Alexander, “I’m glad I didn’t go.”
“There was no wait for Crawfish Bread, but I didn’t have any Crawfish Bread, so I sprinkled some Tony’s on toast.”
EAST BATON ROUGE PARISH, Louisiana – Anti-corruption crusader Govenor Bobby Jindal was caught off guard just after his return flight from Los Angeles after a recent taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Officials, acting on a tip, apprehended Jindal after a brief foot pursuit on the tarmac of the Baton Rouge Metropolitan Airport for charges related to the alleged acceptance of a Tonight Show gift basket.
Jindal’s ‘Swag Bag’, as the gift baskets are known on the streets of Hollywood, had a street value that far exceeded the newly passed ethics reform cap of $50 limit for accepted gifts.
FAUBOURG ST JOHN – In a disturbing press release from the office of the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Foundation, The Creole-Tomato regrets to break the news that Jazz Fest Headliner Billy Joel will not appear as scheduled during the annual New Orleans music and culture festival at the Fairgrounds.
Usually Joel, affectionately known as “The Bard of Long Island,” gets into trouble and concert cancellations by himself with the help of alcohol and car keys. But this time Quint Davis takes the blame.
“It was a simple accent malfunction,” said Davis, referring to the now-infamous “Wardrobe Malfuntion” of Superbowl 38.
“When Bill called from one of his many stately Long Island, homes, I didn’t recognize him at all. I thought it was a poorly disguised prank call from a drunken Y’at who had no grasp on English, much less proper usuage and dialect.”
“I could’ve sworn the caller’s accent was Chalmatian, so I hung up on him.”
Joel, whose hits include “Allentown” and “Miami 2017,” responded by cancelling the show.
Offering that the show must go on, Davis suggested that perhaps Lionel Ritchie would work in a pinch.
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
CITY HALL -New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin met with local and national sponsors at a formal ceremony at Gallier Hall to unveil a new New New Orleans festival to be called “Festival Fest.”
Festival Fest-which is strategically scheduled to fall between French Quarter Fest and Jazz Fest-will be sponsored by Freeport Mc-Moran, Russell’s Marina Grill, and Campo the Appliance Giant.
“We’re going to have tents representing all the other major festivals in the city,” said Festival Fest promoter Dint Quavis.”There will be The JazzFest Tent, The French Quarter Fest Tent, The Essence Fest Tent, and the Cox Cable/Southern Comfort VooDoo Fest Tent.”
“It’s a festival of fests, really.”
“We’re even in talks to have an all-night Southern Decadence Fest Tent featuring Special Guest Star DJ Victor Calderone,” Quavis added.
Not to be left out, JeffFest organizers will plan the sales of all water filtration devices, “How Ya Gonna Clap” Beer Coozies, and politically-motivated buttons outside the Festival Fest gates.
According to Louisiana Recovery Authority (LRA) economists, Festival Fest is expected to have an impact on the local economy in the millions and take away thousands of free parking spaces from local residents.
Tickets to Festival Fest will be $80 in advance, $90 at the door.
RIVER BEND – After being hit by a falling bullet while cooking at a charity event at English Turn last week, New Orleans chef Paul Prudhomme was today again the victim of a freak, violent accident while cooking for a good cause.
While Prudhomme was setting up his cooking tent in the Children’s Hospital parking lot, a nearby groundskeeper lost control of his chainsaw, which severed the chef’s neck.
FRENCH QUARTER – Legendary local sportscaster Vince “With Sports” Marinello exploded onto the American theatre scene over the weekend with what critics are calling a “tour de force” at the annual Tennessee Williams Festival.
Mr. Marinello, who has no formal stage experience, thrilled audiences, judges, and passersby alike during the 8pm performance of the “Stella Yell” competition. In fact, his blood-curdling plea was heard throughout the Vieux Carre.
Costumed in a white “wife-beater” T-shirt, black pleated pants, and bowling shoes, Marinello quickly displayed the rare combination of technical skill and emotional force present in only the world’s finest thespians.
Renown New Orleans theatre critic Chauncey Matthau was elated.
“I have never seen Stanley portrayed with such brutish realism,” Matthau said. “It was such a shot in the face. I was at the edge of my seat with Marinello’s magical, maniacal turn.”
CBD – Nola.com website administrators are moving quickly to enact new controls after reader posts in response to a recent article spun wildly out of control into a series of racist tirades and ad hominem attacks.
“We at NOLA.com and the Times-Picayune value everyone’s right to free speech,” said web designer Aaron Duplessis.
“But I must admit that I am personally flabbergasted as to why anyone would use an anonymous public venue to posit racially charged sentiments.”
The vitriol commenced after a posting by RedHotz82 which contained four misspelled words, a double negative and a comma splice.
User Saintsfan123 felt compelled to put the spotlight on RedHotz82’s literary malfeasance and capped off his/her castigation with a racial epithet.RedHotz82 responded to the attack four posts later with equally derogatory comments intensifying the hostilities.
Numerous postings followed with equal numbers of posters supporting the positions of both RedHotz82 and Saintsfan123. Each successive posting increased the amount of slurs and stereotypes promulgated by visitors to the popular New Orleans news site.
“After 637 posts into the forum the argument kind of died down,” said Duplessis.
“In the future, we at Nola.com are going to have to seriously consider publishing another feature story about cooking beignets if doing so continues to invoke such impassioned prejudices.”
In a press conference, Museum curator Howard Kurtz stated he believes that Chris Owens has “recently acquired enough implanted wax and other synthetics to be eligible for placement” in one of the museum’s showcases.
In an interview with the C-T, Ms. Owens revealed that Mr. Kurtz first approached her after her most recent cosmetic enhancement.
She also confirmed that she has officially accepted the proposal and hopes to take her position in the Wax Museum’s Dungeon near the Pit and the Pendulum display this spring.
BYWATER — Art forgery dates back more than two-thousand years. Roman sculptors produced copies of Greek sculptures. During the classical period art was generally created for historical reference, religious inspiration, or simply aesthetic enjoyment. The identity of the artist was often of little importance to the buyer.
The age old issue has been foisted upon the City that Care Forgot.
Local folk artists Dr. Bob and Simon will do battle in court soon. The two are filing simultaneous copyright infringement lawsuits against each other claiming that the other has stolen ideas and styles and implemented them into their own work.
Dr. Bob, famous for various “Opened/Closed” signs on businesses around town and the ever-infamous “Be Nice or Leave” art, has fumed over the issue calling Simon a hack.
First opened in 1978, Salaam’s is the oldest surviving example of T-shirt shop architecture.
“All the classic elements are there,” said architecture critic Mathis Eskew of the Tulane University School of Architecture.
“You’ve got 12-foot high frontage windows packed with jester hats and feather boas, alligator-shaped Christmas lights, and offensive, sophomoric T-shirts stacked twenty high.”
“It’s not just about architecture; it’s about history. These shining, authentic examples of New Orleans culture must be preserved for future generations to study and enjoy.”
“I am humbled that the city has bestowed this honor on my shop,” said owner Mr. Salaam.
“Who would have known that plastic boob shapes, marijunana-leaf beads, and dozens of novelty hot sauces would end up being so important to the cultural fabric of our city.”
A gold plaque will be placed on the outside of the store, next to a revolving rack of pornographic postcards.
For this Valentine’s Day the Creole-Tomato has reviewed some of the finer local offerings to take the guesswork out of your special date.
Huge Ass Beer, Wilkinson Alley (Orleans Parish, Louisiana) Reserve 2008 ($5):Tasted side-by-side with their regular normal sized beer, the superiority of the Huge Ass Beer is readily evident and, in my mind, worth the extra three dollars. As expected, it has more sweet fruit flavors, more apparent oak aging and supporting tannins. Importantly, it retains nuances of an earthy/leafy character and is not overdone. It’s a harmonious and polished Huge Ass Beer and outshines plenty of other drafts costing twice as much. We’ve paired the Huge Ass Beer with monkfish millefeuille with foie gras and caramelised endives.
Hand Grenade, Bourbon Street (Orleans Parish, Louisiana) Tropical Isle 2001 ($8): One of Bourbon’s most stunning offerings. A small production quaff, it can nevertheless be found in fine restaurants–especially those which emphasize California wines on their lists. The 2001 Tropical Isle Family Hand Grenade is simply outstanding; it has lush flavors, with notes of cinnamon and black fruits, and a long finish on the palate. A Hand Grenade such as this is what has made Bourbon Street Hand Grenades famous worldwide. Try it with grilled meats, and it will shine.
Understanding the immense threat of global climate change, Flambeaux announced today that they are going green. Under the plan released today, the highly polluting propane tanks worn on the backs of all Flambeaux will be replaced by a clean burning hydrogen fuel cell whose only emission is water.
“We gotta do our part to reduce our carbon footprints,” said long time Flambeau Marlin Boulet.
“We’re also talkin’ about buyin’ some of them carbon offsets down by Rouse’s.”
Funding will be provided by celebrity greenographer Leonardo DiCaprio, whose interest in a green New Orleans extends beyond little pink houses.
In response to the recent Orleans City Council decision to raze four major housing projects, the Bravo Network has expanded its “Project: Runway” franchise into a new series.
Hosted by Victoria’s Secret model Heidi Klum, “Project: Project” will pit teams from the remaining Orleans Parish housing projects in a competition to beautify their homes to keep the council off their backs.
The teams will work with world-renowned architects, interior decorators, and landscapers to perform challenges that will improve their homes and neighborhoods.
The Premiere episode’s challenges are abandoned car and furniture beautification and snitching.
With Halloween just past, parents were looking to celebrate Halloween in a way only New Orleans can: by sending their children into a scary house filled with convicted criminals with minimal supervision and masks.
“This was to be the most frightening haunted realm, I mean house, ever,” said one machette-toting convict in an orange OPP jumpsuit.
“And just because he’s moved on to bigger and better positions in state government, doesn’t mean we can’t still call him Sheriff.”
There were some changes this year. Most notably the name-and new corporate sponsors.
Children now had new nightmares because of the “Southern Comfort Presents The State of Louisiana Attorney General Charles C. Foti’s Haunted House Sponsored by Freeport McMoran.”
So it looks like “K-Ville” was just the beginning.
Looking to capitalize on the buzz around the Emmy win for Spike Lee’s epic Katrina documentary “When the Levees Broke” and the premiere of the new FOX series “K-Ville,” Hollywood production companies are scrambling to come up with new Louisiana-themed shows.
It’s a boon to the local film and television industry and a vindication of the Lieutenant Governor’s push to give the industry a new round of lucrative tax breaks.
Here’s a rundown of what’s currently in production:
“T-Town”
A buddy action-comedy about two oddly matched police officers fighting crime Westbank style.
“The J.P.”
A teen drama depicting the trials and tribulations of privileged young residents of Jefferson Parish’s posh lakefront era north of West Esplanade.
2005: Former mayor Marc Morial, certain of his relatives, and former associates became the focus of federal investigations into corruption during his administration. Morial’s uncle Glenn Haydel was accused of defrauding the Regional Transit Authority of a half-million dollars in a fraudulent bond refinancing scheme.
1984: During Ernest N. Morial’s second mayoral term, economic decline and increased conflict with the City Council led to a decrease in the ability of the Morial administration to govern effectively. After serving two terms as mayor, he was prevented by the City Charter from seeking a third term. He twice tried to convince voters to change the Charter to allow him to run again.
Sergeant T-Ben Boudreaux, a local satirical newscaster on oldies station WTIX FM, reported during his August 1, 2007 “The News You Need Now!” segment that local satirical newscaster Sgt. T. Ben Boudreaux is not funny.
Boudreaux broke the news during his daily segment on DJ Michael Costello’s “Michael in the Morning” show, which airs Monday through Friday.
“I suddenly realized mid-segment how unfunny my material actually is,” Boudreaux said. “It just dawned on me that speaking in an excitable, frenzied tone does not necessarily equate to good comedy.”
Al Copeland today announced plans for a new venture, a Realty TV series called “The Franchisee.”
The show, to be executive produced by Copeland and “Apprentice” creator Mark Burnett, will begin shooting in New Orleans this winter.
The show will pit twelve contestants selected from the Greater New Orleans Area in a competition to start a franchise of a chain restaurant in the desolate, cut-throat environment that is the post-K New Orleans quick service restaurant market.
Challenges will include producing a local TV cartoon show to promote unhealthy fried food to children, staging a giant Christmas light show against the opposition of neighbors, and fighting with local writer Anne Rice in the mediums of full-page newspaper advertisements and fisticuffs outside of Morton’s steakhouse.
Like the title to his newest record, Fats Domino is ‘Alive and Kickin.’
But with Richard Simmons?
That’s right, the Rhythm and Blues music legend Antoine “Fats Domino” Dominique has teamed up with another famous New Orleans native, Milton “Richard” Simmons, to create a new video workout routine entitled “Sweatin’ out the Fats!”.
“Fats’ music speaks to everyone. And I speak to everyone about fitness using music,” said Simmons at a recent press conference.
“It’s seemed so natural for me to use the music from my home written by a man called ‘Fats’ to help people kick out the fats!”
Most New Orleanians spend at least one weekend on the Gulf Coast during the summer months, and this special section of the Creole Tomato evaluates and rates many popular summer destinations for quality, value, style and the touches of home.
Our travel writers have established a rating system of five categories.
Pensacola Beach
Category: 4
On the famous white shores of Santa Rosa Island, one finds fewer amenities, but can discover comfort in the low key quality of the action on the beach. PB sustained severe damage during hurricanes Erin, Opal, Ivan and Dennis.
Rosemary Beach
Category: 1
East of Sandestin, Rosemary Beach has become a destination for destination weddings, Disneyesque condos and town squares. RB has limited devastation, but constant new construction gives the appearance of destruction.
Ono Island
Category: 2
The exclusive Ono Island off the coast of Gulf Shores, Alabama is a popular resort destination for moneyed New Orleanians. It sustained only minor wind damage in Hurricane Lily.
Gulfport/Biloxi
Category: 4
These adjacent Mississippi Gulf Coast towns boast casinos, quality seafood restaurants, and the historic home of Confederacy President Jefferson Davis. Both Gulfport and Biloxi suffered extreme damage from Hurricane Katrina.
Bay Saint Louis
Category: 5
This Category 5 winner is a quaint town that is separated slightly from the Gulf by the bay of the same name. It is the proud home of antique shops, St. Stanilslaus, a crab festival and a competitive yacht club. Famous for its mossy oaks, antebellum homes and peaceful way of life, BSL took the direct hit from Katrina. It was essentially leveled.
Mayor Nagin and members of the Louisiana and New Orleans Film and Television Commissions are making the rounds in Hollywood this week.
Their pitch to the studio honchos? If you want to make the greatest disaster movie in American history, you need to film it at the site of the greatest natural disaster in American history.
Big movies with big budgets mean big business. Business that the Crescent City desperately needs. And Mayor Nagin is determined to reel it in.
“This city is a lensman’s dream,” Nagin gushed in a cellphone interview while waiting for the valet at Spago to fetch his Bentley.
“So I’m hitting some serious confabs, telling every Hollywood mogul, prexy, and impresario who’ll do lunch that if you’re looking for boffo B.O. biz, baby, C. Ray is your man.”
“I’m talking zombies and Mad Max,” Nagin continued. “I want Tommy Lee Jones running away from a volcano!
“Blaine Kern’s probably got a volcano just sitting around somewhere in Algiers.”
The Creole-Tomato was privileged to be granted an exclusive interview by the news anchor turned fashionista, Roop Raj.
The Creole-Tomato: Mr. Raj, thanks for sitting with us. We know you are a very busy man. You started off as a dashing young reporter for local New Orleans news channel WDSU. Two burning questions: Why fashion? And why now?
Roop Raj: Thanks for asking. Luminary newswoman Hoda Kotb mentioned to me that my fashion sense was different from most of the other newsmen in New Orleans. It was as if my fashion sense was speaking to the viewers in an even more sensual baritone voice than my usual exquisite delivery.
I knew at that point I had a responsibility to the young men of New Orleans and, one might say, even the world.
Producers of the hit ABC TV show “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” announced today that it will no longer accept any applications from the Greater New Orleans area.
“We just have too many logistical issues,” said Executive Producer Tracy Hampton. “For example, how do you hide a reconstructed house behind a bus when the house is on 12-foot pilings?”
“It’s not that there aren’t a lot of deserving people in the New Orleans area,” Hampton said.
“But let’s face it; the rest of the country just doesn’t care.”
Amid swirling tabloid speculation about the demise of their nascent marriage, this reporter has official word that global sexpot Angelina Jolie and local booster Brad Pitt are definitely on the outs.
Jolie has retained local attorney W.A. “Chip” Forstall to represent her in forthcoming divorce proceedings in Orleans Parish Civil District Court.
According to Jolie’s publicist, Forstall “does it all.”
Fallout from the divorce may require the State to find a foster family for Jolie’s adopted children, who are from Ethiopia, Cambodia, and Vietman.
The Trongs of New Orleans have already offered their home on Chef Menteur as a place of asylum.
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
Since so many of City Park’s austere, ancient Mossy Oaks have gone the way of the woodchipper since Katrina, a blue-ribbon panel has been established to aid City park officials in brainstorming a new name for “Celebration in the Oaks.”
Austue citizens may recall this is not the first name change of the annual non-denominational festival formerly known as “Christmas in the Oaks.”
Except this time the problem isn’t Christmas. It’s The Oaks.
The panel, co-chaired by media mogul Clancy DuBois and owner of local institution Fat Harry’s Dickie Unangst, has submitted the following names for public comment in advance of a community meeting to be held in the next few weeks:
Celebration in the Newly Planted, Fast Growing Palms
Celebration in the Lawn
Celebration in the Shrubbery
Celebration in the Monkey Grass
Celebration in the Cellphone Towers
Celebration in the Birch
Celebration in the Beech
Celebration in the Bee-yotch
Celebration in the Christmas Lights
And simply…Celebration Station!
Regardless of the name, City Park officials promise that “Celebration in the ____________” will be just as illumination as ever.
“Katrina took away our trees,” said one anonymous City Park employee, but she could never take our festive blue Sea Dragon down by Christian Brothers.”
Brad Pitt’s announcement of the winner of a Katrina-reconstruction design competition was hijacked by the revelation of his newest film project: “Vic ‘n Nat’ly: The Movie.”
Pitt and his real-life wife, Angelina Jolie, will star as the classic New Orleans cartoon characters brought to life on the big screen.
Acclaimed helmer Steven Soderbergh (“Erin Brockovich,” “Ocean’s 11″) will direct the script, adapted from the Bunny Matthews cartoons by legendary screenwriter Robert Towne (“Chinatown,” “Mission: Impossible”).
After the sun has long set over the Acura Stage, unanswered questions linger about the Jazz Fest 2006.
Why was Quint Davis wearing a dress on the last Sunday? What really happened to Fats Domino? And, most befuddling of all: what caused the massive Cochon Delay that nearly crippled the entire festival?
At one of the most popular food booths around the corner from Congo Square, a Cochon Delay caused locals and tourists alike to wait on line for hours. While other Cajun, Creole, and international food vendors sated the hungry masses, the Cochon Delay stymied the attempt of an otherwise happy crowd to feed its face.
The Cochon Delay reached an epic proportion when, despite the troubles, Fest-goers kept talking about how great the Cochon Delay is.
“Everybody told me about the Cochon Delay,” said Pauline Gulotta, who flew in from Maryland to attend the Jazz Fest, “and so I got in line, and I told my friends to get in line too.” Full Story »
Number seven in our yearly list of evacuation cocktails comes from local singer Fats Domnio, who swears that this powerful concoction is just the thing to take the edge off a stressful evacuation.
What’s really great about this heavenly combination is the heavily caffeinated Red Bull can help you stay awake during those long nights stuck in bumper-to-bumper contraflow traffic
1 Part K&B Vodka 4 Parts Red Bull Ice (optional)
Pour Vodka into pint glass, over ice. Fill glass with Red Bull. Stir or shake to taste. Enjoy.
Post-Katrina, many animals have sought physical help and emotional support from famed New Orleans veterinarian Francis Akmuch. One lonely turkey, however, sought something else.
Like many pets, Turkey Lurkey (name as printed on collar) was found while searching residences for survivors.
“From the beginning, all Turkey Lurkey would do was ask that we eat her,” explained Dr. Akmuch. “At first I thought she was concerned about the scarcity of food and was offering herself up for self-sacrifice; but upon probing deeper, I realized I was dealing with one very traumatized turkey.”
Turkey Lurkey’s owner, Gary Wilson, could not be found after he was airlifted from the mid-city section of New Orleans and forced to leave his faithful friend behind.
“We didn’t know how to handle the situation at first. Euthanasia is a very serious procedure and one we do not take lightly. However, without the owner around, I had to listen to the needs of the pet and take what she wanted into strong consideration.”
According to Dr. Akmuch, most pets have had a tough time post-Katrina. Full Story »
This is the first in a series of articles on decorating your house and garden in a post-Katrina environment.
You moved from Brooklyn to the Bywater in the last five years, attracted by the vibe, low real estate prices, and a desire for “the authentic.” Now you’re authentically flooded, stuck in a city with few functioning Starbucks within New Urbanism-scale walking distance.
What’s a carpetbagger-cum-trendsetter to do in these critical fall fashion months?
There’s a fungus among us, but don’t let that smell bring you down. Full Story »
FAIRGROUNDS — Aretha Franklin is one of the giants of soul music, and indeed of American pop as a whole. More than any other performer, she epitomized soul at its most gospel-charged.
The Creole-Tomato’s 
As a scheme for cheap publicity as well as an expression of sincere gratitude to our readers, The Creole-Tomato is proud to present “That’s One Hot Tomato!”
Sergeant T-Ben Boudreaux, a local satirical newscaster on oldies station WTIX FM, reported during his August 1, 2007 “The News You Need Now!” segment that local satirical newscaster Sgt. T. Ben Boudreaux is not funny.
