Entertainment
July 29, 2008
The emperor, with his clothes.MANHATTAN, New York — With the release of his new album “The City that Care Forgot,” Dr. John, the Night-Tripper, nee Mack Rebbenack spews venom at the various institutions he believes have abandoned the Big Easy in her time of need.
The Creole-Tomato caught up with The Doctor in his luxurious penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan to talk about the album.
“It’s really time for a change,” said John, sipping a Belvedere vodka bloody mary with cocktail shrimp out of a goblet made of solid gold.
“I just can’t stand the hypocrisy of all these people who say they stand with the city and then walk away.”
And who are these people exactly? John’s new album takes aim at plenty of people, from government to corporations.
“It’s a land grab,” said Rebbenack, as he surveyed his substantial New York real estate holdings while reclining in a hammock made of silk on his 1,000-square foot marble terrace with 180-degree views of Central Park.
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June 20, 2008
The Most Adequate Rapper Alive?HOLLYGROVE — In a stunning press conference today, Hollygrove MC and ex-Hot Boy Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. (a.k.a. Lil Wayne, a.k.a. the Pussy Monster, a.k.a. Weezy F. Baby) admitted that he is not “the best rapper alive.”
Mr. Carter, visibly upset and flanked by lawyers, read from a prepared statement. He did not take questions.
“It’s about time my fans know the truth,” Carter said. “I am not, in fact, the best rapper alive. I am just pretty good.”
“I only hope that my fans can forgive me for misleading them and I look forward to regaining their trust.”
It was a stunning fall from grace that shocked the music industry, the sad finale to a hip-hop drama played out in the national media, the airwaves of WQUE, and defiant videos on YouTube.
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May 19, 2008
May 19, 2008
May 16, 2008
Streaming the Dream ASTORIA, New York — New Orleans native Michael Alexander couldn’t make it to JazzFest this year. And he couldn’t be happier.
Alexander, a freelance web designer, streamed the entire second weekend of the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival from the comfort of the office/living room/kitchen of his $1800 per month studio apartment in Queens, New York.
“You know what,” said Alexander, “I’m glad I didn’t go.”
“There was no wait for Crawfish Bread, but I didn’t have any Crawfish Bread, so I sprinkled some Tony’s on toast.”
“It was just as good,” he added.
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May 14, 2008
ConspiratorsEAST BATON ROUGE PARISH, Louisiana — Anti-corruption crusader Govenor Bobby Jindal was caught off guard just after his return flight from Los Angeles after a recent taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Officials, acting on a tip, apprehended Jindal after a brief foot pursuit on the tarmac of the Baton Rouge Metropolitan Airport for charges related to the alleged acceptance of a Tonight Show gift basket.
Jindal’s ‘Swag Bag’, as the gift baskets are known on the streets of Hollywood, had a street value that far exceeded the newly passed ethics reform cap of $50 limit for accepted gifts.
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April 24, 2008
Oh Gawd!FAUBOURG ST JOHN - In a disturbing press release from the office of the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Foundation,
The Creole-Tomato regrets to break the news that Jazz Fest Headliner Billy Joel will not appear as scheduled during the annual New Orleans music and culture festival at the Fairgrounds.
Usually Joel, affectionately known as “The Bard of Long Island,” gets into trouble and concert cancellations by himself with the help of alcohol and car keys. But this time Quint Davis takes the blame.
“It was a simple accent malfunction,” said Davis, referring to the now-infamous “Wardrobe Malfuntion” of Superbowl 38.
“When Bill called from one of his many stately Long Island, homes, I didn’t recognize him at all. I thought it was a poorly disguised prank call from a drunken Y’at who had no grasp on English, much less proper usuage and dialect.”
“I could’ve sworn the caller’s accent was Chalmatian, so I hung up on him.”
Joel, whose hits include “Allentown” and “Miami 2017,” responded by cancelling the show.
Offering that the show must go on, Davis suggested that perhaps Lionel Ritchie would work in a pinch.
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March 25, 2008
Stella!FRENCH QUARTER — Legendary local sportscaster Vince “With Sports” Marinello exploded onto the American theatre scene over the weekend with what critics are calling a “tour de force” at the annual Tennessee Williams Festival.
Mr. Marinello, who has no formal stage experience, thrilled audiences, judges, and passersby alike during the 8pm performance of the “Stella Yell” competition. In fact, his blood-curdling plea was heard throughout the Vieux Carre.
Costumed in a white “wife-beater” T-shirt, black pleated pants, and bowling shoes, Marinello quickly displayed the rare combination of technical skill and emotional force present in only the world’s finest thespians.
Renown New Orleans theatre critic Chauncey Matthau was elated.
“I have never seen Stanley portrayed with such brutish realism,” Matthau said. “It was such a shot in the face. I was at the edge of my seat with Marinello’s magical, maniacal turn.”
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March 13, 2008
It looks so lifelike!FRENCH QUARTER — The Museé Conti Wax Museum has announced a new and somewhat controversial addition to its “Haunted Dungeon” yesterday: famed cabaret dancer Chris Owens.
In a press conference, Museum curator Howard Kurtz stated he believes that Chris Owens has “recently acquired enough implanted wax and other synthetics to be eligible for placement” in one of the museum’s showcases.
In an interview with the C-T, Ms. Owens revealed that Mr. Kurtz first approached her after her most recent cosmetic enhancement.
She also confirmed that she has officially accepted the proposal and hopes to take her position in the Wax Museum’s Dungeon near the Pit and the Pendulum display this spring.
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February 3, 2008
Raize the roofIn response to the recent Orleans City Council decision to raze four major housing projects, the Bravo Network has expanded its “Project: Runway” franchise into a new series.
Hosted by Victoria’s Secret model Heidi Klum, “Project: Project” will pit teams from the remaining Orleans Parish housing projects in a competition to beautify their homes to keep the council off their backs.
The teams will work with world-renowned architects, interior decorators, and landscapers to perform challenges that will improve their homes and neighborhoods.
The Premiere episode’s challenges are abandoned car and furniture beautification and snitching.
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February 3, 2008
Repent? 9th ward troubadour and wonderkind, Mr. Quintron, and his puppet-show accomplice, Ms. Pussycat, have accidentally played straight trough Mardi Gras.
“Shit!” declared Quintron. “The organ chops were coming and coming and I guess we just lost track of time.”
In the past, audiences have annually joined Quintron for a night long concert on Lundi Gras that extends to the early morning hours of Mardi Gras.
This year’s concert marked a departure when the crowd and Quintron just jammed past Zulu and Rex and straight through Fat Tuesday.
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October 31, 2007
Sheriff Foti's New Haunted HouseWith Halloween just past, parents were looking to celebrate Halloween in a way only New Orleans can: by sending their children into a scary house filled with convicted criminals with minimal supervision and masks.
“This was to be the most frightening haunted realm, I mean house, ever,” said one machette-toting convict in an orange OPP jumpsuit.
“And just because he’s moved on to bigger and better positions in state government, doesn’t mean we can’t still call him Sheriff.”
There were some changes this year. Most notably the name—and new corporate sponsors.
Children now had new nightmares because of the “Southern Comfort Presents The State of Louisiana Attorney General Charles C. Foti’s Haunted House Sponsored by Freeport McMoran.”
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October 28, 2007
Lights, Camera, Tax BreaksSo it looks like “K-Ville” was just the beginning.
Looking to capitalize on the buzz around the Emmy win for Spike Lee’s epic Katrina documentary “When the Levees Broke” and the premiere of the new FOX series “K-Ville,” Hollywood production companies are scrambling to come up with new Louisiana-themed shows.
It’s a boon to the local film and television industry and a vindication of the Lieutenant Governor’s push to give the industry a new round of lucrative tax breaks.
Here’s a rundown of what’s currently in production:
“T-Town”
A buddy action-comedy about two oddly matched police officers fighting crime Westbank style.
“The J.P.”
A teen drama depicting the trials and tribulations of privileged young residents of Jefferson Parish’s posh lakefront era north of West Esplanade.
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August 29, 2007
Sergeant T-Ben Boudreaux, a local satirical newscaster on oldies station WTIX FM, reported during his August 1, 2007 “The News You Need Now!” segment that local satirical newscaster Sgt. T. Ben Boudreaux is not funny.
Boudreaux broke the news during his daily segment on DJ Michael Costello’s “Michael in the Morning” show, which airs Monday through Friday.
“I suddenly realized mid-segment how unfunny my material actually is,” Boudreaux said. “It just dawned on me that speaking in an excitable, frenzied tone does not necessarily equate to good comedy.”
“So I broke the news right then and there.”
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August 29, 2007
One Reality Show: Spicy or Mild?Al Copeland today announced plans for a new venture, a Realty TV series called “The Franchisee.”
The show, to be executive produced by Copeland and “Apprentice” creator Mark Burnett, will begin shooting in New Orleans this winter.
The show will pit twelve contestants selected from the Greater New Orleans Area in a competition to start a franchise of a chain restaurant in the desolate, cut-throat environment that is the post-K New Orleans quick service restaurant market.
Challenges will include producing a local TV cartoon show to promote unhealthy fried food to children, staging a giant Christmas light show against the opposition of neighbors, and fighting with local writer Anne Rice in the mediums of full-page newspaper advertisements and fisticuffs outside of Morton’s steakhouse.
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August 2, 2007
As Seen On TVLike the title to his newest record, Fats Domino is ‘Alive and Kickin.’
But with Richard Simmons?
That’s right, the Rhythm and Blues music legend Antoine “Fats Domino” Dominique has teamed up with another famous New Orleans native, Milton “Richard” Simmons, to create a new video workout routine entitled “Sweatin’ out the Fats!”.
“Fats’ music speaks to everyone. And I speak to everyone about fitness using music,” said Simmons at a recent press conference.
“It’s seemed so natural for me to use the music from my home written by a man called ‘Fats’ to help people kick out the fats!”
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July 3, 2007
No Permits Necessary.Mayor Nagin and members of the Louisiana and New Orleans Film and Television Commissions are making the rounds in Hollywood this week.
Their pitch to the studio honchos? If you want to make the greatest disaster movie in American history, you need to film it at the site of the greatest natural disaster in American history.
Big movies with big budgets mean big business. Business that the Crescent City desperately needs. And Mayor Nagin is determined to reel it in.
“This city is a lensman’s dream,” Nagin gushed in a cellphone interview while waiting for the valet at Spago to fetch his Bentley.
“So I’m hitting some serious confabs, telling every Hollywood mogul, prexy, and impresario who’ll do lunch that if you’re looking for boffo B.O. biz, baby, C. Ray is your man.”
“I’m talking zombies and Mad Max,” Nagin continued. “I want Tommy Lee Jones running away from a volcano!
“Blaine Kern’s probably got a volcano just sitting around somewhere in Algiers.”
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June 3, 2007
Good Luck, New Orleans!Producers of the hit ABC TV show “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” announced today that it will no longer accept any applications from the Greater New Orleans area.
“We just have too many logistical issues,” said Executive Producer Tracy Hampton. “For example, how do you hide a reconstructed house behind a bus when the house is on 12-foot pilings?”
“It’s not that there aren’t a lot of deserving people in the New Orleans area,” Hampton said.
“But let’s face it; the rest of the country just doesn’t care.”
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May 1, 2007
I used to love her, but it's all over now.Item!
Amid swirling tabloid speculation about the demise of their nascent marriage, this reporter has official word that global sexpot Angelina Jolie and local booster Brad Pitt are definitely on the outs.
Jolie has retained local attorney W.A. “Chip” Forstall to represent her in forthcoming divorce proceedings in Orleans Parish Civil District Court.
According to Jolie’s publicist, Forstall “does it all.”
Fallout from the divorce may require the State to find a foster family for Jolie’s adopted children, who are from Ethiopia, Cambodia, and Vietman.
The Trongs of New Orleans have already offered their home on Chef Menteur as a place of asylum.
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September 15, 2006
The resemblance is striking.Item!
Brad Pitt’s announcement of the winner of a Katrina-reconstruction design competition was hijacked by the revelation of his newest film project: “Vic ‘n Nat’ly: The Movie.”
Pitt and his real-life wife, Angelina Jolie, will star as the classic New Orleans cartoon characters brought to life on the big screen.
Acclaimed helmer Steven Soderbergh (”Erin Brockovich,” “Ocean’s 11″) will direct the script, adapted from the Bunny Matthews cartoons by legendary screenwriter Robert Towne (”Chinatown,” “Mission: Impossible”).
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