CITY HALL — According to highly placed administration sources, Mayor C. Ray Nagin has started planning a two-week overseas trip to bolster his flagging image at home and to look “more Mayoral.”
The trip would begin on August 29th, 2008.
Planning is still “in the early, fixin’-to-get-ready-to stage,” according to the source, but several foreign governments have already been contacted about the possibility of the mayor making public appearances and speeches in front of famous landmarks.
Famous backdrops under consideration for Nagin’s speeches include the Toblerone chocolate factory in Switzerland and the site where the Little Dutch Boy stuck his finger in the dyke.
“We want the City of New Orleans–no, the world–to see C. Ray Nagin for what he truly is: global citizen, humanitarian, and smooth-talking cultured man,” said a high-ranking Nagin administration official.
“It worked for Obama, didn’t it? What’s the big difference between him and us?”
UPTOWN — In an unprecedented disciplinary action, the New Orleans Police Department has suspended an entire precinct of officers for what Superintendent Riley calls “an unforgivably egregious breach of department policy and public confidence.”
The precinct’s commander had apparently excused the entire squad from the typical uniform requirements in favor of T-shirts from the Jazz and Heritage Festival.
“I don’t see what the big deal is all about,” said 2nd District Precinct Commanding Officer Geoffry Babineaux.
“We just wanted our officers to achieve a certain level of comfortability. And the regular uniform just can’t do that.”
BATON ROUGE, Louisiana — Gov. Bobby Jindal continued his veto streak today, eliminating the all kittens in the State of Louisiana.
In a letter to the legislature, Jindal threatened to veto “anything and everything that does not conform to this administration’s goals for a more effective and transparent state government.”
“We’ve been focused on the wrong things for too long and now this state is in an economic crisis,” Jindal added in his letter.
“Enough is enough. And it’s time for a change.”
This latest veto is just the latest in Jindal’s aggressive cutting. After vetoing a pay raise for State Legislators in April, this week Jindal also used his line-item veto authority 258 times, more than double the combined amount of such vetoes used in the last 12 years.
METAIRIE — Could New Orleans’ very own #1 Stunna become America’s hot prospect for the #2 Commander-in-Chief?
The C-T can report on an exclusive basis that Superstar Rapper Lil Wayne was spotted at Morning Call eating beignets and smoking with Presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee Barack Obama and several members of his Vice-Presidental selection committee last Sunday.
(Of note: Sen. Obama did not smoke any substances, but he was seen reapplying a nicotine patch).
Neither the Obama nor the Carter camp would comment Lil Wayne’s V.P. prospects, but Obama’s press secretary Bill Burton told reporters that “Senator Obama felt that he personally had to congratulate ‘Weezy’ on his new #1 album.”
Despite the standard denials, the secret meeting has ignited speculation in the punditocracy.
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA) and Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), Bra.
KENNER, Louisiana — Presumptive Republican Party presidential nominee John McCain could have chosen anywhere in the world as a backdrop for his first official speech of the 2008 general election campaign.
He chose Kenner.
We’ve all heard of Hollywood South, but now there’s a new game in town: Welcome to Washington South.
In the few short months since the election of trailblazing Kenner-American (and potential Vice-Presidential candidate) Bobby Jindal as Governor of Louisiana, this little-known incorporated hamlet within Jefferson Parish has become a hotbed of national politics.
Now established Beltway institutions in the government, the media, and the military-industrial complex are starting to take notice.
7TH WARD—Prosecutors are moving forward with a full scale investigation and potential indictments of at least seventeen suspected drug abusers in the rank and file of the NOPD Meter Maid Corps.
Suspicions of steroid and HGH abuse began when several outspoken citizens noted the increased bulk of and overall poor attitude of a large proportion of CBD Meter Maids.
Special Investigator Donny Tenaglia of the NOPD Internal Affairs Division has been eyeing the parking ticket scribes for six months or more.
The good folks who write the City of New Orleans Parking Citations have consistently been an agreeable, affable group in the past. They, as a whole, were a real cheerful group of gals.”
“But lately, we’ve documented a significant negative shift in disposition that can only be attributed to ‘roid-rage.’”
EAST BATON ROUGE PARISH, Louisiana — Anti-corruption crusader Govenor Bobby Jindal was caught off guard just after his return flight from Los Angeles after a recent taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Officials, acting on a tip, apprehended Jindal after a brief foot pursuit on the tarmac of the Baton Rouge Metropolitan Airport for charges related to the alleged acceptance of a Tonight Show gift basket.
Jindal’s ‘Swag Bag’, as the gift baskets are known on the streets of Hollywood, had a street value that far exceeded the newly passed ethics reform cap of $50 limit for accepted gifts.
Landrieu, Babelle, Ensler, and the Honorable Vagina Friendly
CBD - While the famous New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival Posters become collectors’ items each year, typically selling out even before the close of the second weekend, the New Orleans V-Day poster fell flat according to V-Day Director of Marketing Sally Koenig.
“Jazz Fest posters honor great and influential people in the world of jazz and heritage. This year it’s Irma Thomas and Kermit Ruffins.
We here at V-Day were grateful for the Honorable C. Ray Nagin’s comments in preparation for our celebration and awareness campaign that we decided to do the same thing.”
FRENCH QUARTER — Legendary local sportscaster Vince “With Sports” Marinello exploded onto the American theatre scene over the weekend with what critics are calling a “tour de force” at the annual Tennessee Williams Festival.
Mr. Marinello, who has no formal stage experience, thrilled audiences, judges, and passersby alike during the 8pm performance of the “Stella Yell” competition. In fact, his blood-curdling plea was heard throughout the Vieux Carre.
Costumed in a white “wife-beater” T-shirt, black pleated pants, and bowling shoes, Marinello quickly displayed the rare combination of technical skill and emotional force present in only the world’s finest thespians.
Renown New Orleans theatre critic Chauncey Matthau was elated.
“I have never seen Stanley portrayed with such brutish realism,” Matthau said. “It was such a shot in the face. I was at the edge of my seat with Marinello’s magical, maniacal turn.”
BATON ROUGE — Capitalizing on the success of two previous Special Sessions, Governor Bobby Jindal announced today he will be seeking participation from members of the Louisiana State Legislature for yet another.
“Given the IQ of the average Louisiana Legislator,” said Jindal, a Rhodes Scholar, “I’ve decided to call all sessions from here on out ‘Special.’”
“I mean, we’re not talking about rocket surgeons, here,” the Governor quipped.
Scheduled for March 31, the session is expected to cover far reaching economic issues, enforcement of recent ethics reforms, and finger-painting.
After numerous Freedom of Information Act requests and even a sit-down with Hizzoner himself, The Times-Picayune and WWL-TV have been unable to get to the bottom of the most pressing political question of 2008: what, exactly, is Mayor C. Ray Nagin doing during “downtime?”
While our rival media outlets may wilt in the heat of the corridors of power, The Creole-Tomato Investigative Reporting Bureau never quits. When the public asks a question, we demand an answer.
Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, but now I am pissed.
I am fed up with the nay-sayers and the negative media. In my day, this would be considered trash-talking, and, frankly, I’m going to confront the slander.
It seems every time I want to have a little fun and cut loose a little bit, I get a barrage of negativity that borders on the insane. It can be anything from my downtime on Fridays to this recent hub-bub my myspace page concerning pictures from my Jamaican get-away last summer.
Is it a crime to sunbathe? I ask you, is it a crime to wander outside in your birthday suit while glazed in oil? Finally, is it a crime to pose proactively for one’s wife, a woman who loves you more dearly than any woman outside your mama? I think not.
Look, I’m not just a Mayor; I’m a grown-ass man. And if I want to expound various pics or my point of view via MySpace or outer space or whatever space, I should have that right.
BYWATER — Art forgery dates back more than two-thousand years. Roman sculptors produced copies of Greek sculptures. During the classical period art was generally created for historical reference, religious inspiration, or simply aesthetic enjoyment. The identity of the artist was often of little importance to the buyer.
The age old issue has been foisted upon the City that Care Forgot.
Local folk artists Dr. Bob and Simon will do battle in court soon. The two are filing simultaneous copyright infringement lawsuits against each other claiming that the other has stolen ideas and styles and implemented them into their own work.
Dr. Bob, famous for various “Opened/Closed” signs on businesses around town and the ever-infamous “Be Nice or Leave” art, has fumed over the issue calling Simon a hack.
Louisiana’s Gubernatorial election made international news last month. For the first time in American history, a Kenner-American was elected governor of a state.
As news of Bobby Jindal’s election reached the distant outer provinces of Kenner, spontaneous celebrations broke out in the streets.
Kenner registered voter Keith Lazzo reflected, “First the Berlin Wall, now this, it really restores my belief in this great nation of ours.”
“This really is a groundbreaking day for all Kenner-Americans,” said Kenner Mayor Ed Muniz.
“It’s a vindication of the American Dream. If you work hard, play by the rules, and dare to dream, even someone from Kenner can make it all the way to the Governor’s Mansion someday.”
For his part, Jindal downplays all the talk of history.
“This was an election about the issues,” said Jindal. Full Story » »
Former New Orleans District Attorney Eddie Jordan today announced his next caper: opening a Bed & Breakfast in his Uptown home.
“You’ve had a hard day, you’ve got people chasin’ after you. You’ve been through a lot,” said Jordan.
“Sometimes you just need a ‘safe house’ where you can go someplace where the world can’t find you, lay your head for a piece, and get a muffin in the morning.”
“My door is always open,” Jordan added. “And I’ve thrown away the key.”
In an unrelated story, New Orleans Police is currently investigating Jordan’s longtime girlfriend for allegedly harboring a murder suspect on the lam.
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
The City of New Orleans was rocked by the news that no New Orleans City Councilman, Louisiana State Legislator, Member of Congress, or Senator has been under scrutiny or indicted this week.
Nobody is facing criminal charges. Nobody is under investigation. Nobody faces a maximum jail sentence of ten years or a fine of up to $250,000, Nobody ironically offered words of thanks to his “friends at the U.S. Attorney’s office,” noting that federal prosecutors treated nobody with “dignity and respect.” There will be no parking lot corporations or plumbing supply LLCs or import-export holding companies dragged through the mud.
And today community leaders are asking: how will we recover from this?
In many ways, U.S. District Judge Sarah Vance might have been speaking Monday for an entire shell-shocked city.
“Shock, disbelief, incredulousness; they are common sentiments,” said Vance.
2005: Former mayor Marc Morial, certain of his relatives, and former associates became the focus of federal investigations into corruption during his administration. Morial’s uncle Glenn Haydel was accused of defrauding the Regional Transit Authority of a half-million dollars in a fraudulent bond refinancing scheme.
1984: During Ernest N. Morial’s second mayoral term, economic decline and increased conflict with the City Council led to a decrease in the ability of the Morial administration to govern effectively. After serving two terms as mayor, he was prevented by the City Charter from seeking a third term. He twice tried to convince voters to change the Charter to allow him to run again.
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
New Orleans is joining the ranks of London, New York, Chicago, and other cities around the world that use closed-circuit television (CCTV) cameras to deter crime.
But with a key difference.
The cameras in the cash-strapped Crescent City are being paid for entirely by private money put up by the producers of the popular “Girls Gone Wild” video series.
Plans for the network of sixty security cameras in and around the French Quarter were announced at joint press conference on Bourbon Street by New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin and “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis.
Calling the cameras “an historic example of public-private partnership,” Mayor Nagin said he sees these wandering, robotic eyes as being a critical piece of the city’s overall crime-reduction strategy, particularly in the tourist-laden French Quarter.
“I say to all the pickpockets, drug dealers, drunk and disorderlies, and other nefarious elements in our fair city: we got our eyes on you,” said Nagin.
The Tchoupitoulas Street Wal-Mart Supercenter will be closed for the foreseeable future, according to Local Manager, Israel Green, after a riot with subsequent looting erupted last Thursday.
Reports state the outburst of violence was related to the store’s placement of the HBO documentary, “When the Levees Broke” in the discount bin at the low price of $7.99.
The documentary directed by Spike Lee, which was initially met with skepticism by local residents, has become respected, locally and critically, since it’s airing during the first year anniversary of Katrina last fall. Full Story » »
I’m gonna say it once. I’m gonna say it publicly. And I am gonna say it in plain black and white: You-Know-Who caused Katrina.
Many people may laugh at me. Many people may try to hush me up or brush me aside or send dementors after me. But I am not demented, and I am not going to Azkaban without a fight.
I have on my desk a just-published 759-page report which chronicles the history and motivations of a mad-man out to get us. While the names in the book have been changed, you’d have to be under a Confundus Charm not to see the codes of warning hidden in its pages.
Many government officials may dismiss the findings in this report, calling it a “book for children,” but I’m not going to make the same mistakes the Ministry of Magic made by ignoring the facts.
There’s a squib on my staff—that is to say, a person of wizarding heritage who lacks magical ability—and this squib believes we muggles—members of the non-wizarding community—must act now before our world is taken over by the Dark Lord.
Now, it’s a very long, complicated report; and, like I said, all the names in it have been changed since the real names are currently being “tracked” by the wizarding community as a way to prevent us from planning any counter-attack.
Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) broke his silence today, issuing his formal statement since the recent exposure of his philandering ways by self-proclaimed Hustler Larry Flynt.
In his statement, Vitter said: “Those ho’s better stop snitching.”
He added that Flynt was a “hater,” who “needed to let a player play.”
In a recent 60 minutes report, Anderson Cooper reported a link between hip-hop’s acceptance of a “Stop Snitchin’” policy discouraging eyewitness informants and inner city crime.
Anderson, reached by the C-T for a special phone interview, explained that he couldn’t see exactly where Vitter was coming from.
“In a city such as New Orleans, where crime and lack of witnesses is such a problem, a Senator who openly adopts this policy creates a dangerous situation.
“District Attorney Eddie Jordan feels Cooper’s fears are unfounded.
Local reaction to the revelation of U.S. Senator David Vitter’s highly-publicized liason with a Washington, D.C. prostitute has elicited nothing but disinterest in his home state.
While the national press has breathlessly searched for every possible angle on the story, including Senator Vitter’s support for family values and his position as the Southern Chairman of Rudolph Guiliani’s presidential bid, Louisiana voters remain unimpressed.
“Let’s put this in perspective for a second,” said local celebrity pollster Silas Lee.
“Right now, Louisiana has a sitting member of the House of Representatives under indictment, an ex-governor serving a prison sentence for bribery, an ex-gubenatorial nominee and ex-KKK Grand Wizard currently serving time for mail fraud.”
“And that’s just off the top of my head. So some lady of the evening has his phone number? So f–king what?”
Secretary-Treasurer of Madams and Prostitutes Local 69 (AFL-CIO) Amber Sparkles has a bone to pick with Senator Vitter.
“After Katrina, this community banded together to support one another and shop local. I just think that our elected officials should set a better example for our kids,” said Secretary Sparkles.
She cited the potential impact on the local economy- particularly the loss of business from Airline Highway motels.
“I know those people in Washington have a reputation for screwing people over royally, but we’ve got some got damn fine ladies down here in New Orleans who could really use the business.”
Local 69 is considering a one-day John strike out of protest.
The New Orleans East Chapter of the International Brotherhood of Strippers, Exotic Dancers and Steamfitters is meeting later tonight at Visions on Downman Road to discuss a sympathy job action.
Editor’s Note: This Letter to the Editor arrived in our inbox marked as “SPAM.” We publish it here as a public service.
TO: editor@thecreoletomato.com
FROM: wjefferson@house.gov
SUBJ: I Am Wrongingly Accused and Needing Your Help
For urgent business relationship:
I must solicit your strictest confidence in this Transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and ‘top secret’. I am sure and have confidence of your ability and reliability to prosecute a transaction of this great magnitude involving a pending transaction requiring maxiimum confidence.
I am top official of the federal government who is wrongingly accused of bribing a foreign official of the Government of Nigeria. But I am innocent of these charges. It is not us who is corrupt, but rather that Nigeria Government! Full Story » »
While federal prosecutors in Washington are building a case against U.S. Representative William Jefferson (D-La) on 16 counts including alleged bribery, racketeering, using his office to solicit bribes, and obstruction of justice, state investigators have indicted the besieged Congressman on a variety of local charges as well.
The accused faces the following additional allegations as chargeable only in Louisiana:
Hiring unbonded out-of-state contractors in the First Degree
2 counts of bribing racehorses at the New Orleans Fairgrounds.
Inserting the straw into a frozen daiquiri prior to exiting his vehicle.
Aggravated shoving of old ladies while attempting to recover Bacchus doubloons.
Third-Degree peeing in the bushes during Hermes. Full Story » »
An anonymous source inside the Louisiana State Attorney General’s office has revealed that recently named Ochsner Chief of Medicine Momus Alexander Morgus, MD, also known as Morgus the Magnificent, is a “person of interest” in the death of Ochsner Head of Surgery, Chopsley, during the chaotic days after Hurricane Katrina shattered New Orleans.
CNN first reported in October that staff members at the medical center had discussions with Morgus about euthanizing Chopsley for the good of the “Higher Order” even before the hurricane flooded the city on Monday, August 29, 2005, cutting off power and stranding hundreds of thousands of residents. Full Story » »
On Tuesday May 20, 2007 Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco gave her farewell address. Her Goner announced she would not seek a second term as leader of our fair state, but would devote the rest of her time as governor to helping out the state instead of trying to get re-elected.
In a quote from her speech to that effect, she claims no regret. “I’m announcing my decision early - well before the legislative session. I’m doing this so we can work without interference from election year politics. Every action in my remaining months in office will be to serve Louisiana. There is nothing more important to Louisiana’s future than a strong recovery, free from politics.” Full Story » »
New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin today recommended that the World Trade Center site be filled with chocolate.
Nagin’s comments came on a fundraising trip to New York after his controversial comments about the World Trade Center rebuilding last week on CBS News’ “60 Minutes” program.
When a correspondent pointed out flood-damaged cars still on the streets of New Orleans’ devastated Ninth Ward. Nagin replied, “You guys in New York can’t get a hole in the ground fixed, and it’s five years later. So let’s be fair.”
After the program aired, Nagin was widely criticized in New York as “ignorant,” “insensitive,” and “incompetent.”
“I know that some of my past comments have been misunderstood and have hurt people,” Nagin said today.
While locals debate whether it was in the city’s best interest to celebrate Mardi Gras this year, Louisiana representatives petitioned Congress in true Mardi Gras fashion this Fat Tuesday.
The group of nine, or Krewe of Katrina as they prefer to be called, marched into the Capitol building in full carnival attire late Monday evening, carrying with them the usual array of parade-going necessities, including ice chests filled with beer and cold drinks, a bbq pit for grilling essential foods, kingcakes, lawn chairs, ladders, and an extra-large camping tent.
“The camping tent is our key element to claiming a good spot on the Congressional priority list,” explained Rep. Bobby Jindal. “It lets them know we are here, we are serious, and we mean business.” Full Story » »
A moment on the lips, forever on the political resume.
Dwane Robinson’s ice cream shop hasn’t seen many customers since Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans nearly five months ago. But the 46 year-old owner of a Central Business District Baskin Robbins franchise is hoping that a new promotional flavor called “Chocolate City” will change all that.
“There’s just not that many people here and the people that’s here don’t really want ice cream,” Robinson said. “I hope this fundraiser will turn things around.”
The fundraiser is from the new flavor itself. Baskin Robbins will donate 20% of all profits from the sale of “Chocolate City” to various hurricane relief and rebuilding efforts.
The new flavor features chocolate ice cream with several fillings, including tiny milk chocolate refrigerators, café au lait with caramel swirl, purple, green and gold sprinkles, and a plastic baby. Most scoops will also include a single, token marshmallow on top.
“It’s sort of a new-age Rocky Road,” said Lawrence Klapp, spokesman for Baskin Robbins.
Standing behind a table covered in seized oysters, weapons, and assorted shucking paraphernalia, Acting Police Superintendent Warren Riley today announced a new enforcement strategy to crack down on the illegal trafficking and sale of oysters.
The plan, dubbed Operation Half-Shell, will target enforcement in some of the open-air illegal oyster markets that have sprung up around the city.
Since Hurricane Katrina devastated the oyster beds and boats that harvest them, supply for oysters has been unable to keep up with demand. For a desperate, seafood-starved populace, this has created a vibrant and dangerous black market in oysters all across the city.
A dozen unshucked oysters—known on the street as a dime bag—now goes for $10. Full Story » »
