NEW NEW ORLEANS — On February 16th , the Krewes of Rex and Zulu rolled down Canal Street in beautiful weather marking the beginning of Mardi Gras Day and the end to the Carnival Season in New Orleans. Not a month before the New Orleans Saints defeated the Indianapolis Colts in the NFL National Championship. Just before “dat” New Orleans elected a white mayor. Meanwhile, the local population banded together to defaeted the NFL’s grabby claim to the phrase “Who Dat!” for Louisiana’s small business.
Fact is, everything is going to be perfect from here on out.
“It’s all there,” says local man Kevin W. Sergii who resides in the Lower Garden District. “If you think about it. Nothing can ever go wrong in New Orleans again.”
Southern University of New Orleans Sociology Professer Gil Estraine confirms, “Certainly this is one for the history books, this perfect storm of perfect stuff. Once the hangover of Mardi Gras wears off, the citzenry will see it for sure. They will wake up in a once drowned township and realize that New Orleans is not only “open for business” but also feel more like Shangri-La.”
“First, the blight will disappear, then crime evaporates and everyone will be happy all the time from here on out. Also, we probably won’t have to work that hard anymore. And we can credit Drew, Sean and Mitch…the new Camelot.”
Pointing to recent discoveries in Baton Rouge, Professor Estraine stated that its not only sociology that confirms this but also meterology.
WEST BATON ROUGE PARISH – While the New Orleans’ Mayor’s Race gets lost in a shuffle of Black & Gold and Purple Green & Gold, Governor Jindal (R) has made a move that ought to interest the Big Easy voter.
Jindal, on Friday, January 29th (Ten days before the Saints upset the Colts or the night before Krewe de Vieux) moved to permanently shut down the office of Lieutenant Governor.
“It’s a useless post,” said Jindal spokeswoman Forsythe Paige-Moliette. “Total waste of time.”
It is no surprise that Jindal, a Republican considered to be a strong up-and-comer in the GOP, and Landrieu, a legacy Democrat, are often at odds even given their current posts.
But the news that the governor threw Landrieu under the bus went nearly unnoticed in the Who Dat Nation.
The Creole-Tomato, which aims to provide the localest news, sought comment from the Mitch Landrieu for Mayor campaign.
“Mitch was very good at being Lieutenant Governor,” Campaign Manager Montrose Baggs, Esq. wrote to us in an email.
“It’s a political position, right? Stands to reason he’ll be good at it. Whatever the political position, he is good at it, trust me. In fact, he was so good at that one, he very well may be the last Lieutenant Governor of the great state of Louisiana.”
“’Leave ‘em wanting more,’ that’s what I always say.”
HARAHAN, Louisiana — Though the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported employers cut 85,000 jobs in December–an amount that kept the nation’s unemployment rate at 10 percent–Jefferson Parish remains optimitisic.
At what seemed like an impromptu press conference outside the Yenni Building, officials announced at least one new job opportunity available effective immediately: Parish President.
“We’ve got Tim Whitmer, the former Chief Administrative Officer, under investigation,” said the Parish Official who declined to give his name. “His spot is being filled by an intern or a temp or something.”
“And now Broussard,” he added. “He just quit. Like ten minutes ago.”
Hagbar Romig-Stien, one of former Broussard’s top administrators, said council protocol will set up the parameters for seating a new Parish President and new Chief Administrative Official. But at this time The Parish will entertain ”All Comers.”
“With these two new positions available, Jefferson Parish is bucking the national trend of job loss and continued joblessness,” Romig-Stien said. “Good for us.”
JEFFERSON PARISH, Louisiana — In an attempt to move beyond films whose titles start with prepositions, the star of “Above the Law,” “Under Seige,” and “Out For Justice” has taken on a new role for a new reality TV series: Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Deputy.
But some in the community are questioning whether the controversial, egocentric, and washed-up action hero is the best choice to be patrolling Jefferson Parish’s sleepy and wealthy First District.
Critics point to an incident one particular incident where Seagal is accused of using a level violent force that some concerned community members who wish to remain anonymous are calling “excessive.”
Around 2:30 A.M. on August 2nd, Deputy Seagal responded to a routine call to break up a rowdy teenage party at 550 Woodvine Avenue in Old Metairie. A neighbor had called to complain about noise coming from the party, organized by Terrance Wilson, a St. Martin’s Senior whose parents were out of town.
Then all hell broke loose.
“He just walked into the party and started indiscriminately breaking arms for no reason,” said one witness.
“He asked me what I was drinking, and I told him it was a beer,” said another teenager who asked not to be identified.
“Then he told me I could ‘take that to the bank’ and hit me in the face with a cue ball wrapped in a bar towel.”
Cue Ball wrapped in a Bar Towel from the Major Motion Picture 'Out For Justice'
Recently unsealed court records reveal that yes, the party did contain underage teenagers consuming alcohol from a central source (a keg) in violation of Louisiana and Jefferson Parish law.
But critics are wondering if that misdemeanor offense merited a police action that has so far killed 3 teenagers and left another 11 in the hospital.
For now, Jefferson Parish Sheriff Office is conducting its own internal investigation, but some fear a whitewash.
“What we have here is a classic ‘He Said, Dozens of Other People Said’ problem,” said one Deputy familiar with the case who was willing to speak on the condition of anonymity because of the ongoing investigation.
“I’m afraid there’s just no way to know what really happened that night,” the Deputy added.
But for those who were there at 550 Woodvine, it’s something they’ll never forget.
“It’s seared into my memory—at one point Deputy Seagal said he wanted to have a knife fight, so he gave a knife to [Terrance Wilson] and made him fight.”
Wilson later succumbbed to his wounds at Ochsner Hospital.
GRETNA, Louisiana — Rapper Corey “C-Murder” Miller announced today through his attorney that he has changed his name to “C-Parole,” effective immediately.
Miller’s attorney Stephen Goroney denied that the the rapper’s unexpected name change had anything to do with the fact that Miller was recently sentenced to life in prison for the second-degree murder of 16-year-old fan Steve Thomas.
Miller is also serving a 10-year sentence following no contest plea to two counts of attempted murder in a separate altercation at a nightclub in Baton Rouge in 2001.
“I know the cynics out there like you in the media are going to make some sort connection, but trust me: this is something that C-Parole has been thinking about for a long time,” said Goroney.
He told reporters that C-Parole’s name change is just another in “a well-established tradition of near-constant renaming within the hip-hop and music community.”
“Puff Daddy became P. Diddy and then Diddy. Prince became the The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and then a Symbol and then Prince again,” said Goroney.
“The Potential Future Parolee Formerly Known As C-Murder is no different.”
JEFFERSON PARISH, La. — Clad in a bright colored prison-issue jumpsuit, Corey Miller, a.k.a C-Murder, who was convicted Tuesday of second-degree murder, appeared in court in Metairie to witness his victim’s parents tell how their lives have changed since their 16-year-old son died Jan. 12, 2002.
Miller will be in prison forever, sentenced to life.
Miller, an unsucessful rap ingenue, went by the nickname “C-Murder.”
CITY HALL –Chief Administrative Officer Dr. Brenda Hatfield staged a coup d’état that wrested control of the municipal government during the early morning hours of June 11th 2009. New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin was quarantined in Shanghai since Sunday over swine flu concerns.
He was released today, the Associated Press reported Wednesday.
Nagin, his wife and a guard had been quarantined after a passenger on their flight from the United States had flu-like symptoms.
The Coup, lead by Hatfield and the Royal Thai Army against the elected government of Mayor Nagin was New Orleans’s first non-constitutional change of government in nearly three years, followed a year-long political crisis the imposition of martial law after the 2005 hurricane season.
The overthrow as undertaken by Nagin’s former allies and obvious political opponents occurred less than a month into this year’s hurricane season which began on June 1st.
It has been widely reported in Thailand and elsewhere that General Prem Tinsulanonda, Chairman of the Privy Council was the mastermind of the Coup. He has had the ear of CAO Hatfield since a meeting 2006 which neither one of them can recall. The military canceled the upcoming elections, abrogated the Constitution, dissolved City Council, banned protests and all political activities, suppressed and censored the media, declared martial law, and arrested Council Members Head, Feilkow and Clarkson among others.
Prior to joining the City of New Orleans, Dr. Hatfield served as Director of Governmental Affairs and Local Programming for Cox Communications and managed the award-winning Cox 10 productions and programming department.
At a news conference this morning on the steps of City Hall, Chairwoman Hatfield promised that Democracy would be restored to the Crescent City within the year. Chairwoman Hatfield will enforce her new government’s regulation with all of the awesome power of the Royal Thai Army, which arrived during the coup and be assisted by the Royal Thai Navy, said to be heading up river at this very moment.
New Nola Emblem
Nagin, who could not be reached for comment, is speculated to have left the Chinese quarantine for Australia for a planned series of speeches, the AP said.
Citizens of New Orleans are awaiting Nagin’s next move, who has had to surrender control of the city and parish for the second time in his mayoral stewardship since 2005.
New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin has been quarantined in Shanghai, China under suspicion of being a carrier of H1N1 influenza, also known as “Swine Flu.” What do you think?
“Yet another example of the Chinese taking a job we should have done years ago and doing it better that us.”
-Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
“Did this have anything to do with David Carradine? I thought I read that he was in China.”
-C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“You know what they say. You lie down with dogs, you get fleas. You lie down with pigs you get swine flu.”
-Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
“Seriously, what the hell is Nagin doing in China? They ain’t no levee system to check out there.”
-Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“I say let that bastard come back, then we’ll have another good reason to kick is swine flu-carrying ass!”
-Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“That’s it I’m deleting him off my MySpace!”
-Franklin Percy, Tattoo and Body Piercing Artist, The Marigny
C-T Editors’ Note: Are you local? Do you have a reaction? Don’t feel left out! Click “leave comment” in the lower right-hand corner or fill in the box below.
CBD — After completion of the first step of her ‘listening tour,’ at Serio’s Deli, Baton Rouge native Stormy Daniels, has come to a conclusion about her proposed run for Senate.
Ms. Daniels (30), famed star, director, and featured player in films that your mom hopefully doesn’t know that you’ve seen, has been visiting local spots like the Roux House in Baton Rouge in an attempt to feel the pulse of the average Louisiana voter.
Since being informally drafted by an Internet site, Stormy–her film nom de guerre–has been been pursuing ways to finance her campaign.
Pubic Public records show she just got a big, hot injection from the Big Daddy’s political action fund, whose stated goal is “to keep the spirit of Big Daddy’s of Bourbon Street alive for future generations.”
Where would you rather have been in November 2005?
On Thursday, May 7, 2009, The Times-Picayune published a story about New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin’s trip to Jamaica–as financed by embattled former Chief of Technology Greg Meffert.
The headline read: “Jamaica Trip a ‘Blur,’ Mayor Ray Nagin Says.”
We’ll take the Mayor at his word that he didn’t accept lavish “things of value” from city vendors. Because, when you think about it, who can put a value on something as weightless as smoke?
Allow us to explain. It is widely known that Jamaica is a Carribean Island south of Cuba.
But what you may not know is this: Jamaica has a thriving drug culture.
Cannabis, or marijuana or ganja–as its known locally, is illegal throughout Jamaica. Does this mean that you won’t see it? Not at all.
Marijuana can be found virtually everywhere. We’ve seen Rastas smoking spliffs the size of cigars right along the roadside. If you take a tourist bus from Montego Bay to Negril, you’ll see vendors jump from behind a tree with a wad of ganja and a marijuana cigarette the size of a small baton as the bus slows down to make a sharp turn.
In November 2005, we were working in Orleans Parish, cleaning debris and ordering rebuilding materials. We were not in Jamaica, privy to Mayor Nagin’s actions.
So why was Nagin’s trip a “blur?”
The Creole-Tomato can never be sure. We can, however, make an educated guess.
CENTRAL CITY — At a press conference at the NOPD Headquarters on Roman Street, Public Relations Officer Sergeant Dante Bacon today confirmed what many the community had long suspected: 87% of the New Orleans Police Department is carrying the Swine Flu Virus.
And Doctors don’t yet know why.
“We think that it may have traveled to our officers via the new dark blue uniforms which were made in Mexico,” Bacon said. “Or maybe terrorism.”
“Why else would it only target police officers?”
Physicians at the Ochsner Clinic, Hospital, Hotel, and Massage Parlor, Inc., LLC are working closely with the Centers for Disease Control to pen in the virus. But authorities are fearful that it may spread quickly.
Already the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s department has confirmed that some of its Deputies have been clearing their throats an awful lot lately.
If, indeed, the disease has spread into the Parish, Doctors suspect that it was carried by State Troopers traveling across borders.
“We’re looking into any possible way this virus can spread,” said Dr. Alton Sibelius of Ochsner.
“Donuts, moustaches, those super shiny sunglassess? It could be anything.”
From questionable business dealings with now defunct Stone Age LLC to unusual vacation expenses with former Chief Technology Officer Greg Meffert in Hawaii, New Orleans Mayor and former Cox Cable executive C. Ray Nagin is all thumbs when it comes to technology.
Last month, Nagin was sued by WWL-TV reporter Lee Zurik for refusing to honor a public-records request for copies of his e-mails and official calendar. The Nagin Administration destroyed thousands of public e-records in violation of state law.
Adding to the imbroglio, attorney Tracie Washington sought and received several years’ worth of City Council emails from City Sanitation Director Veronica White. The vast majority of those e-mails are public records, and Washington has every right to get them – but the records were not reviewed beforehand for possible confidential (and legally protected) correspondence.
Just days after that, when it seemed that things couldn’t get stranger, federal agents armed with grand jury subpoenas seized White’s computer at City Hall.
With everyone searching for the truth, only The Creole-Tomato was EXCLUSIVELY able to recover the following e-mails via an e-mail leak from a confidential Federal Law Enforcement source:
To see Ray’s Emails click to the Full Story Button below:
LAFAYETTE SQUARE — A ragtag band of Somali nationals was arraigned in Federal Court today over charges of kidnapping, piracy, and conspiracy to pirate involving a United States-flagged Maersk Sealand vessel docked in the Mississippi River.
All seven pleaded not guilty.
Federal prosecutors claimed that the accused were a flight risk, given their possession of machine guns, high-powered speedboats, and 3 kilos of khat, a tropical plant native to East Africa that is known for its amphetamine-like and psychotropic effects.
The judge agreed, denying all of the alleged pirates bail.
Morris Bart, attorney for the alleged pirates, claims that the group was simply in town to celebrate “PyrateCon 2009: The Search For Lafitte’s Ghost” from April 3-5 in The French Quarter.
“What did they expect? It’s not CroquetCon 2009 or EmrboideryCon 2009,” said Bart. “It’s PirateCon 2009.”
“The City invites these pirates into town to spend money and stimulate the economy but then is shocked when they deign to commit an act of piracy.”
“It’s as if the city arrested every college kid for drinking during Mardi Gras,” Bart added. “That’s why they came.”
But the organizers of Pyrate Con disagree.
“PyrateCon is a conference for pirate performers, re-enactors, living historians, and casual pirates to come together to spend time meeting and drinking, sharing stories, and honing their skills on history, shanty singing, and black powder expertise,” said PyrateCon spokesperson Wench Shayna Vest.
“These real pirates give every nerdy, fantasy-seeking, and socially awkward fake pirate living in their parents’ basement a bad name.”
ELMWOOD, Louisiana — Construction on the Huey P. Long Bridge came to a halt Tuesday as the last funds were drawn from the renovation project’s initial financing.
“Blame the Capitol,” griped Gino Carmouche, deputy treasurer for the Department of Transportation and Development.
“Ain’t no bet ever built a bridge where I’m from.”
Carmouche was referring to the deal struck in 2006 to help finance the Huey P. Long project. When state officials began planning the renovation, they employed an complicated financial instrument known as an interest rate swap to cut costs.
The arrangement amounted to a wager with a Wall Street bank that a fixed interest rate would cost less than a floating interest rate over the life of the bonds.
Already well accustomed to gambling with taxpayer money, State Officials jumped at the chance to try their luck again. But now, as interest rates plummet and the economy heads deeper into recession, the State has lost its bet.
Fortunately for taxpayers, State Officials have abandoned flirtations with Wall Street and devised an alternative plan to raise the resources necessary to continue the Huey P. project and pay off the banks.
“It’s good ol’ fashioned Louisiana finance,” remarked Cleo Chauvin, senior risk analyst at Heron Capital LLC. “The State’s going to raise the money the way it knows best.”
Starting in two weeks, Senate Finance Committee officials in New Orleans will organize high stakes games of Cee-Lo at various hubs throughout Orleans and Jefferson Parish.
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin will roll for the State. Officials expect to generate as much as half the funds they need off of C. Ray’s hot hand.
Phase Two of the plan will take place in River Parishes and will involve the largest Bouree tournament ever assembled. The State has enlisted several of the bayou’s slyest trick-takers to its cause.
If phases one and two come up short, there is a Phase Three, the details of which remain a closely guarded secret.
However, anonymous sources indicate that former governor Edwin Edwards would spearhead the effort from his cell in the Federal Detention Center at Oakdale.
TREME — In the current murder capital of the country, a city so flooded with violent and vicious crime that not even her mayor likes to stay in town, recent events have shaken the core of the normally stoic populace.
Anti-violence vigils occur unnoticed to the gun-toting predator-children who carelessly shed blood, not only ending the lives of their victims but also wasting their very own.
A father slits the throat of his two year-old child. Three fifteen year-olds botch a robbery and leave for dead a beloved bartender in the heart of the Vieux Carre. Residents of the same “safe” sections of the quarter are held up at gunpoint the very next day. A son is charged with the murder of his dad and the attempted murder of his mom. The motive? He was “tired of them.”
Even the bleary eyed denizens of this dreadful crime ridden gunshot town are shocked.
To wit: WWL-TV’s “Medical Watch” reporter Meg Farris displayed visible emotion on last Thursday night’s broadcast.
After Channel Four’s “Eyewitness News at Five,” reporter Lee Zurik completed his report on a Jefferson Parish detective’s arrest of a suspected rapist, Farris furrowed her eyebrows most apparently.
WASHINGTON, DC– The new Congress was sworn into office on January 6th, 2008. Anh “Joseph” Cao of New Orleans took the oath on the House floor to become the first Vietnamese-American member of Congress.
Seventeen minutes later, the FBI raided Mr. Cao’s new office inside the Beltway.
When reached later for comment, a spokesperson for the FBI’s Washington D.C. Field Office said: “We’re just trying to get a head start is all.”
Congressman Cao defeated nine-term incumbent William Jefferson, an African-American Democrat representing a majority-black district, in an upset that sent shock waves through the political community.
“Not to speak in terms of race, but this race was radically racial,” commented C-SPAN’s Senior Political Analyst Marvin MacAdoo. “Race hasn’t been talked about this much in a political race since the race-filled U.S. Presidential campaign/race of 2008.”
NOPD HEADQUARTERS – Elusive local anti-graffito vigilanto Fred Radtke has a message for anyone thinking about putting up Christmas lights this year: Watch your back.
Radtke, who prefers to be referred to by his nom de guerre “The Gray Ghost,” is known for using his signature gray paint to cover up what he considers to be blights on our fair city’s landscape.
Now, just in time for the holidays, with the Christmas-decorating season underway, he’s issued a new videotape warning to the Citizens of New Orleans.
“Infidels of New Orleans,” says Radtke in the tape, exclusively obtained by The Creole-Tomato, “your decorations of shimmering lights, inflatable reindeer, and yes, even, menorahs an affront to the purity of this holy city.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Louisiana is losing its typically steady footing in political corruption, according to a report released today by good government watchdog group National Corruption Reporter.
For as long as the NCR has been publishing its findings, Louisiana has held a particularly high rank in those states classified as having “extremely satisfied” levels of governmental corruption.
The 2008 survey marks Louisiana’s lowest level of corruption satisfaction since 1944.
The report, first released during the gubernatorial stewardship of Huey P. Long, examines all branches of lawmaking on a statewide level and then compares finding to other states.
During the Edwards years, the Pelican State had a very clear lead, trouncing New York State and its 1980s tax-evading Wall Street scandals.
GRETNA, Louisiana — The local Mexican-American population of Jefferson Parish will have something to raise Hell about this Halloween.
State Representative John LaBruzzo (R-Metairie), who most recently proposed paying poor women to have their fallopian tubes tied, is now calling for the post-Katrina Mexican population of New Orleans to give up their traditional November 2nd holiday, Dios des los Meurtos, or Day of the Dead.
Day of the Dead falls on All Souls Day — Nov. 2 — and is celebrated with particular gusto in Mexico, where families visit cemeteries to offer food and flowers for their lost relatives, whose portraits are placed on altars at home.
Day of the Dead has centuries of tradition, combining All Souls Day with two pre-Hispanic holidays in honor of the dead. It is a festive rather than sad occasion, and with support from local Roman Catholic Churches, the tradition runs strong.
But LaBruzzo wonders if this post-Halloween tradition is good for New Orleans.
“New Orleans is a wholesome, family-oriented city, and our citizens have no use for this sense of the macabre,” he said.
“In Mexico, there’s a long tradition of vampires in literature and TV; they give names like “Voodoo” to their football teams and festivals; and they ride buses called ‘Cemetaries.’ They even use convicts to scare kids in haunted houses.”
“These are not the type of things that would be acceptable to the good people of our town,” he added.
When reached for comment, local Mexican-American community leaders said: “Chupa me, puto.”
Ralph Capitelli, a former First Assistant District Attorney and Special Prosecutor for the State Judiciary Commission is running for Orleans Parish District Attorney with a platform that includes a straightforward, meaningful goal. Ralph Capitelli says, “my plan is simple: to make the Orleans Parish District Attorney’s Office the best in the nation.”
His 35-year legal background, related experience and professional accolades certainly qualify him for the position. He has the respect of his peers in the various aspects of the criminal justice system. Capitelli is known as a preeminent lawyer whose firm, Capitelli and Wicker, is considered expert from within and without legal, scholarly, and governmental institutions.
Mr. Capitelli as fit for the job as top prosecutor. He knows criminal law. He knows Louisiana law, and he knows the Orleans Parish District Attorney’s Office.
Beyond the fact that Mr. Capitelli is a good lawyer and proven prosecutor, it is important to consider a few other things. What is significant to note is that there seems to be a fundamental disconnect between the DA’s office and the public of New Orleans right now. With organizations like Conversations for Change seeking to bridge the gap, our citizenry will require a DA with particular character.
Seventeen years as a Criminal Court judge, six years with state appeals court, Leon Cannizzaro resigned from the bench to run for Orleans Parish district attorney.
Tulane and Broad insiders have suggested that Cannizzaro might have ties to disgraced Orleans Juvenile Court Judge Yvonne L Hughes.Â
When asked about his sources the anonymous tipster queried:
“Isn’t it obvious? Judge Cannizzaro-Judge Hughes. They, like, have the same name. Hello?”
Further it has been revealed that Judge Cannizzarro (if that is even his real name) wears a robe to work.
Tulane Law Professor Dewey Cheatum asked, “Do we really want a District Attorney who is either too lazy to change out of his jammies or has the notion that it is acceptable for a man to wear a dress to court?”
“I don’t think so.”
Cannizzarro recently released a viral video on YouTube reinventing his image as the classic New Orleans hockey mom.
Pollsters were baffled by this one to say the least.
“Whether you support Sarah Palin or not,” commented local political anaylist, Clancy DuBos, “this ad just doesn’t make any sense. Not unlike the late New Orleans Brass.”
Jason Williams: Clipped
White Chocolate
Only weeks ago, on the top floor of the World Trade Center, Jason Williams, 35, declared his candidacy for Orleans Parish District Attorney in the Oct. 4 election.
Though originally supported by throngs of cheering fans, Williams will not be on the ballot come election day.
Shockingly, the Los Angeles Clippers today signed free agent guard Jason Williams, according to Vice President of Basketball Operations Elgin Baylor. Per team policy, terms of the deal were not announced.
A veteran of 10 NBA seasons, Williams joins the Clippers after playing the last three years for Miami, where he helped the Heat to the 2006 NBA Championship. The six-foot-one, 180 pound point guard has also started and played in 53 career playoff contests, averaging 9.8 points, 3.7 assists, 2.2 rebounds and 0.9 steals.
“Jason is an experienced and proven player,” Baylor said. “I can’t begin to understand this controversial bid for job of top lawyer in New Orleans. Of all places.”
UPDATE: The Creole-Tomato has learned that Jason Williams retired from professional basketball on Saturday, September 27th. Whether this helps his election chances remains to be seen.
Linda Bizzaro: Weirded Out
Where Dark is Light
Linda Bizzarro faces a stiff competition in this important race. Supporters are enthusiastic, while independents remain cautious.
Former ADA Hank Marion has reservations.
“It’s just that her speeches are so ’strange.’ So ‘peculiar. “Odd, even.’
She’ll start off by saying ‘In a Bizzarro world, things will be different…’”
Local Pundit and ABC26 Newsman Jeff Crouere is downright confused.
“Is this a Seinfeld bit or what?”
Linda Bizzarro’s campaign managers suggested clearing things up with a Facebook Page:
“In a Bizzarro world, the DA will effectively prosecute criminals and secure more convictions than ever before. In a Bizzarro world, New Orleans will be safe.”
Should Bizzarro claim the victory in October, it is certain an alternate reality will ensue for citizens and criminals alike.
Pollsters agree that the candidates who qualified this week for the Oct. 4 primary election for Orleans Parish District Attorney serve as further evidence that Katrina changed the racial calculus of running for office in a city where the electorate is now split roughly equally between Black and Italian voters.
Former federal prosecutor Linda Bizzarro, former Judge Leon Cannizzaro, criminal defense attorney Ralph Capitelli and attorney are Italian-American. Defense attorney Jason Williams is the lone African-American candidate.
The Candidates
Ralph Capitelli, who filed papers to run for the race last summer, still has the attention of most of the neighborhood and community action groups. Capitelli arguably has the edge on the city’s voters as a known quantity. Not for nothing; no disrespect. Bada Bing, Bada Boom.
As a longtime elected official — sitting first in the Criminal District Court — Judge Leon Cannizzaro could also be said to be name-recognizable to the city’s voters. This can be seen in his recent campaign finance report, which shows that thing with that freaking guy that you never talk about in front of someone who isn’t in the family. Capiche? Fuggedaboutit.
Linda Bizzarro raised just $2,000 in the most recent reporting period, while also lending her campaign $65,000. She also makes a mean veal parm with fresh mutz, and a little bitta proscuit, that has voters forsaking Tony Angelo’s. You talkin’ to me?
UNITED STATES CONGRESS DISTRICT #2 — Congressional Representative hopeful and former WDSU reporter Helena Moreno has vowed that, along with her desire to restore health care, repair our levee system, and clean up the stifling corruption of the state’s political system, she will be also be taking great strides to make Louisiana politics “just that little bit more stylish.”
Hoping to garner swing votes from former Hillary Clinton supporters, Moreno has announced that she has officially joined the “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits.”
Right wing political pundits may have blogged extensively about Moreno’s inexperience, but they nearly always begrudgingly admit that she is not only a top-notch orator, but also always sartorially appropriate.
NOVDAA Support Moreno
Most of Moreno’s locally famous former colleagues have thrown their weight behind the cherubic blonde’s Congressional attempt.
Long-time WDSU anchor Alec Gifford says: “Look, Susan Roesgen was classy, no doubt about it, but when Helena came along? Whoa, that lady had panache, if I was 20 years younger, what I wouldn’t….”
Former colleague Investigative Reporter Richard Angelico told the C-T that he personally felt like a “slob” working next to Ms. Moreno.
“CNN, Congress, couture,’ said Angelico. “Helena was going somewhere, and we could only just sit back and watch. About the only person who could keep up was Roop [Raj].”
Mr. Raj was unavailable for comment as he was in New York City’s Bryant Park for Fashion Week 2008.
Moreno has secured the endorsements of The Washington Post, Gambit Weekly, and The New Orleans Levee, and the Marrero Chapter of the New Orleans Voodoo Dolls Alumnae Association (NOVDAA).
CITY HALL — According to highly placed administration sources, Mayor C. Ray Nagin has started planning a two-week overseas trip to bolster his flagging image at home and to look “more Mayoral.”
The trip would begin on August 29th, 2008.
Planning is still “in the early, fixin’-to-get-ready-to stage,” according to the source, but several foreign governments have already been contacted about the possibility of the mayor making public appearances and speeches in front of famous landmarks.
Famous backdrops under consideration for Nagin’s speeches include the Toblerone chocolate factory in Switzerland and the site where the Little Dutch Boy stuck his finger in the dyke.
“We want the City of New Orleans–no, the world–to see C. Ray Nagin for what he truly is: global citizen, humanitarian, and smooth-talking cultured man,” said a high-ranking Nagin administration official.
“It worked for Obama, didn’t it? What’s the big difference between him and us?”
UPTOWN — In an unprecedented disciplinary action, the New Orleans Police Department has suspended an entire precinct of officers for what Superintendent Riley calls “an unforgivably egregious breach of department policy and public confidence.”
The precinct’s commander had apparently excused the entire squad from the typical uniform requirements in favor of T-shirts from the Jazz and Heritage Festival.
“I don’t see what the big deal is all about,” said 2nd District Precinct Commanding Officer Geoffry Babineaux.
“We just wanted our officers to achieve a certain level of comfortability. And the regular uniform just can’t do that.”
BATON ROUGE, Louisiana — Gov. Bobby Jindal continued his veto streak today, eliminating the all kittens in the State of Louisiana.
In a letter to the legislature, Jindal threatened to veto “anything and everything that does not conform to this administration’s goals for a more effective and transparent state government.”
“We’ve been focused on the wrong things for too long and now this state is in an economic crisis,” Jindal added in his letter.
“Enough is enough. And it’s time for a change.”
This latest veto is just the latest in Jindal’s aggressive cutting. After vetoing a pay raise for State Legislators in April, this week Jindal also used his line-item veto authority 258 times, more than double the combined amount of such vetoes used in the last 12 years.
METAIRIE – Could New Orleans’ very own #1 Stunna become America’s hot prospect for the #2 Commander-in-Chief?
The C-T can report on an exclusive basis that Superstar Rapper Lil Wayne was spotted at Morning Call eating beignets and smoking with Presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee Barack Obama and several members of his Vice-Presidental selection committee last Sunday.
(Of note: Sen. Obama did not smoke any substances, but he was seen reapplying a nicotine patch).
Neither the Obama nor the Carter camp would comment Lil Wayne’s V.P. prospects, but Obama’s press secretary Bill Burton told reporters that “Senator Obama felt that he personally had to congratulate ‘Weezy’ on his new #1 album.”
Despite the standard denials, the secret meeting has ignited speculation in the punditocracy.
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA) and Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), Bra.
KENNER, Louisiana – Presumptive Republican Party presidential nominee John McCain could have chosen anywhere in the world as a backdrop for his first official speech of the 2008 general election campaign.
He chose Kenner.
We’ve all heard of Hollywood South, but now there’s a new game in town: Welcome to Washington South.
In the few short months since the election of trailblazing Kenner-American (and potential Vice-Presidential candidate) Bobby Jindal as Governor of Louisiana, this little-known incorporated hamlet within Jefferson Parish has become a hotbed of national politics.
Now established Beltway institutions in the government, the media, and the military-industrial complex are starting to take notice.
7TH WARD-Prosecutors are moving forward with a full scale investigation and potential indictments of at least seventeen suspected drug abusers in the rank and file of the NOPD Meter Maid Corps.
Suspicions of steroid and HGH abuse began when several outspoken citizens noted the increased bulk of and overall poor attitude of a large proportion of CBD Meter Maids.
Special Investigator Donny Tenaglia of the NOPD Internal Affairs Division has been eyeing the parking ticket scribes for six months or more.
The good folks who write the City of New Orleans Parking Citations have consistently been an agreeable, affable group in the past. They, as a whole, were a real cheerful group of gals.”
“But lately, we’ve documented a significant negative shift in disposition that can only be attributed to ‘roid-rage.’”
EAST BATON ROUGE PARISH, Louisiana – Anti-corruption crusader Govenor Bobby Jindal was caught off guard just after his return flight from Los Angeles after a recent taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Officials, acting on a tip, apprehended Jindal after a brief foot pursuit on the tarmac of the Baton Rouge Metropolitan Airport for charges related to the alleged acceptance of a Tonight Show gift basket.
Jindal’s ‘Swag Bag’, as the gift baskets are known on the streets of Hollywood, had a street value that far exceeded the newly passed ethics reform cap of $50 limit for accepted gifts.
Landrieu, Babelle, Ensler, and the Honorable Vagina Friendly
CBD – While the famous New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival Posters become collectors’ items each year, typically selling out even before the close of the second weekend, the New Orleans V-Day poster fell flat according to V-Day Director of Marketing Sally Koenig.
“Jazz Fest posters honor great and influential people in the world of jazz and heritage. This year it’s Irma Thomas and Kermit Ruffins.
We here at V-Day were grateful for the Honorable C. Ray Nagin’s comments in preparation for our celebration and awareness campaign that we decided to do the same thing.”
FRENCH QUARTER – Legendary local sportscaster Vince “With Sports” Marinello exploded onto the American theatre scene over the weekend with what critics are calling a “tour de force” at the annual Tennessee Williams Festival.
Mr. Marinello, who has no formal stage experience, thrilled audiences, judges, and passersby alike during the 8pm performance of the “Stella Yell” competition. In fact, his blood-curdling plea was heard throughout the Vieux Carre.
Costumed in a white “wife-beater” T-shirt, black pleated pants, and bowling shoes, Marinello quickly displayed the rare combination of technical skill and emotional force present in only the world’s finest thespians.
Renown New Orleans theatre critic Chauncey Matthau was elated.
“I have never seen Stanley portrayed with such brutish realism,” Matthau said. “It was such a shot in the face. I was at the edge of my seat with Marinello’s magical, maniacal turn.”
BATON ROUGE — Capitalizing on the success of two previous Special Sessions, Governor Bobby Jindal announced today he will be seeking participation from members of the Louisiana State Legislature for yet another.
“Given the IQ of the average Louisiana Legislator,” said Jindal, a Rhodes Scholar, “I’ve decided to call all sessions from here on out ‘Special.’”
“I mean, we’re not talking about rocket surgeons, here,” the Governor quipped.
Scheduled for March 31, the session is expected to cover far reaching economic issues, enforcement of recent ethics reforms, and finger-painting.
After numerous Freedom of Information Act requests and even a sit-down with Hizzoner himself, The Times-Picayune and WWL-TV have been unable to get to the bottom of the most pressing political question of 2008: what, exactly, is Mayor C. Ray Nagin doing during “downtime?”
While our rival media outlets may wilt in the heat of the corridors of power, The Creole-Tomato Investigative Reporting Bureau never quits. When the public asks a question, we demand an answer.
Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, but now I am pissed.
I am fed up with the nay-sayers and the negative media. In my day, this would be considered trash-talking, and, frankly, I’m going to confront the slander.
It seems every time I want to have a little fun and cut loose a little bit, I get a barrage of negativity that borders on the insane. It can be anything from my downtime on Fridays to this recent hub-bub my myspace page concerning pictures from my Jamaican get-away last summer.
Is it a crime to sunbathe? I ask you, is it a crime to wander outside in your birthday suit while glazed in oil? Finally, is it a crime to pose proactively for one’s wife, a woman who loves you more dearly than any woman outside your mama? I think not.
Look, I’m not just a Mayor; I’m a grown-ass man. And if I want to expound various pics or my point of view via MySpace or outer space or whatever space, I should have that right.
BYWATER — Art forgery dates back more than two-thousand years. Roman sculptors produced copies of Greek sculptures. During the classical period art was generally created for historical reference, religious inspiration, or simply aesthetic enjoyment. The identity of the artist was often of little importance to the buyer.
The age old issue has been foisted upon the City that Care Forgot.
Local folk artists Dr. Bob and Simon will do battle in court soon. The two are filing simultaneous copyright infringement lawsuits against each other claiming that the other has stolen ideas and styles and implemented them into their own work.
Dr. Bob, famous for various “Opened/Closed” signs on businesses around town and the ever-infamous “Be Nice or Leave” art, has fumed over the issue calling Simon a hack.
Louisiana’s Gubernatorial election made international news last month. For the first time in American history, a Kenner-American was elected governor of a state.
As news of Bobby Jindal’s election reached the distant outer provinces of Kenner, spontaneous celebrations broke out in the streets.
Kenner registered voter Keith Lazzo reflected, “First the Berlin Wall, now this, it really restores my belief in this great nation of ours.”
“This really is a groundbreaking day for all Kenner-Americans,” said Kenner Mayor Ed Muniz.
“It’s a vindication of the American Dream. If you work hard, play by the rules, and dare to dream, even someone from Kenner can make it all the way to the Governor’s Mansion someday.”
For his part, Jindal downplays all the talk of history.
“This was an election about the issues,” said Jindal. Full Story »
Former New Orleans District Attorney Eddie Jordan today announced his next caper: opening a Bed & Breakfast in his Uptown home.
“You’ve had a hard day, you’ve got people chasin’ after you. You’ve been through a lot,” said Jordan.
“Sometimes you just need a ’safe house’ where you can go someplace where the world can’t find you, lay your head for a piece, and get a muffin in the morning.”
“My door is always open,” Jordan added. “And I’ve thrown away the key.”
In an unrelated story, New Orleans Police is currently investigating Jordan’s longtime girlfriend for allegedly harboring a murder suspect on the lam.
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
The City of New Orleans was rocked by the news that no New Orleans City Councilman, Louisiana State Legislator, Member of Congress, or Senator has been under scrutiny or indicted this week.
Nobody is facing criminal charges. Nobody is under investigation. Nobody faces a maximum jail sentence of ten years or a fine of up to $250,000, Nobody ironically offered words of thanks to his “friends at the U.S. Attorney’s office,” noting that federal prosecutors treated nobody with “dignity and respect.” There will be no parking lot corporations or plumbing supply LLCs or import-export holding companies dragged through the mud.
And today community leaders are asking: how will we recover from this?
In many ways, U.S. District Judge Sarah Vance might have been speaking Monday for an entire shell-shocked city.
“Shock, disbelief, incredulousness; they are common sentiments,” said Vance.
2005: Former mayor Marc Morial, certain of his relatives, and former associates became the focus of federal investigations into corruption during his administration. Morial’s uncle Glenn Haydel was accused of defrauding the Regional Transit Authority of a half-million dollars in a fraudulent bond refinancing scheme.
1984: During Ernest N. Morial’s second mayoral term, economic decline and increased conflict with the City Council led to a decrease in the ability of the Morial administration to govern effectively. After serving two terms as mayor, he was prevented by the City Charter from seeking a third term. He twice tried to convince voters to change the Charter to allow him to run again.
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
New Orleans is joining the ranks of London, New York, Chicago, and other cities around the world that use closed-circuit television (CCTV) cameras to deter crime.
But with a key difference.
The cameras in the cash-strapped Crescent City are being paid for entirely by private money put up by the producers of the popular “Girls Gone Wild” video series.
Plans for the network of sixty security cameras in and around the French Quarter were announced at joint press conference on Bourbon Street by New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin and “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis.
Calling the cameras “an historic example of public-private partnership,” Mayor Nagin said he sees these wandering, robotic eyes as being a critical piece of the city’s overall crime-reduction strategy, particularly in the tourist-laden French Quarter.
“I say to all the pickpockets, drug dealers, drunk and disorderlies, and other nefarious elements in our fair city: we got our eyes on you,” said Nagin.
The Tchoupitoulas Street Wal-Mart Supercenter will be closed for the foreseeable future, according to Local Manager, Israel Green, after a riot with subsequent looting erupted last Thursday.
Reports state the outburst of violence was related to the store’s placement of the HBO documentary, “When the Levees Broke” in the discount bin at the low price of $7.99.
The documentary directed by Spike Lee, which was initially met with skepticism by local residents, has become respected, locally and critically, since it’s airing during the first year anniversary of Katrina last fall. Full Story »
I’m gonna say it once. I’m gonna say it publicly. And I am gonna say it in plain black and white: You-Know-Who caused Katrina.
Many people may laugh at me. Many people may try to hush me up or brush me aside or send dementors after me. But I am not demented, and I am not going to Azkaban without a fight.
I have on my desk a just-published 759-page report which chronicles the history and motivations of a mad-man out to get us. While the names in the book have been changed, you’d have to be under a Confundus Charm not to see the codes of warning hidden in its pages.
Many government officials may dismiss the findings in this report, calling it a “book for children,” but I’m not going to make the same mistakes the Ministry of Magic made by ignoring the facts.
There’s a squib on my staff-that is to say, a person of wizarding heritage who lacks magical ability-and this squib believes we muggles-members of the non-wizarding community-must act now before our world is taken over by the Dark Lord.
Now, it’s a very long, complicated report; and, like I said, all the names in it have been changed since the real names are currently being “tracked” by the wizarding community as a way to prevent us from planning any counter-attack.
Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) broke his silence today, issuing his formal statement since the recent exposure of his philandering ways by self-proclaimed Hustler Larry Flynt.
In his statement, Vitter said: “Those ho’s better stop snitching.”
He added that Flynt was a “hater,” who “needed to let a player play.”
In a recent 60 minutes report, Anderson Cooper reported a link between hip-hop’s acceptance of a “Stop Snitchin’” policy discouraging eyewitness informants and inner city crime.
Anderson, reached by the C-T for a special phone interview, explained that he couldn’t see exactly where Vitter was coming from.
“In a city such as New Orleans, where crime and lack of witnesses is such a problem, a Senator who openly adopts this policy creates a dangerous situation.
“District Attorney Eddie Jordan feels Cooper’s fears are unfounded.
Local reaction to the revelation of U.S. Senator David Vitter’s highly-publicized liason with a Washington, D.C. prostitute has elicited nothing but disinterest in his home state.
While the national press has breathlessly searched for every possible angle on the story, including Senator Vitter’s support for family values and his position as the Southern Chairman of Rudolph Guiliani’s presidential bid, Louisiana voters remain unimpressed.
“Let’s put this in perspective for a second,” said local celebrity pollster Silas Lee.
“Right now, Louisiana has a sitting member of the House of Representatives under indictment, an ex-governor serving a prison sentence for bribery, an ex-gubenatorial nominee and ex-KKK Grand Wizard currently serving time for mail fraud.”
“And that’s just off the top of my head. So some lady of the evening has his phone number? So f–king what?”
Secretary-Treasurer of Madams and Prostitutes Local 69 (AFL-CIO) Amber Sparkles has a bone to pick with Senator Vitter.
“After Katrina, this community banded together to support one another and shop local. I just think that our elected officials should set a better example for our kids,” said Secretary Sparkles.
She cited the potential impact on the local economy- particularly the loss of business from Airline Highway motels.
“I know those people in Washington have a reputation for screwing people over royally, but we’ve got some got damn fine ladies down here in New Orleans who could really use the business.”
Local 69 is considering a one-day John strike out of protest.
The New Orleans East Chapter of the International Brotherhood of Strippers, Exotic Dancers and Steamfitters is meeting later tonight at Visions on Downman Road to discuss a sympathy job action.
Editor’s Note: This Letter to the Editor arrived in our inbox marked as “SPAM.” We publish it here as a public service.
TO: editor@thecreoletomato.com
FROM: wjefferson@house.gov
SUBJ: I Am Wrongingly Accused and Needing Your Help
For urgent business relationship:
I must solicit your strictest confidence in this Transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and ‘top secret’. I am sure and have confidence of your ability and reliability to prosecute a transaction of this great magnitude involving a pending transaction requiring maxiimum confidence.
I am top official of the federal government who is wrongingly accused of bribing a foreign official of the Government of Nigeria. But I am innocent of these charges. It is not us who is corrupt, but rather that Nigeria Government! Full Story »
While federal prosecutors in Washington are building a case against U.S. Representative William Jefferson (D-La) on 16 counts including alleged bribery, racketeering, using his office to solicit bribes, and obstruction of justice, state investigators have indicted the besieged Congressman on a variety of local charges as well.
The accused faces the following additional allegations as chargeable only in Louisiana:
Hiring unbonded out-of-state contractors in the First Degree
2 counts of bribing racehorses at the New Orleans Fairgrounds.
Inserting the straw into a frozen daiquiri prior to exiting his vehicle.
Aggravated shoving of old ladies while attempting to recover Bacchus doubloons.
Third-Degree peeing in the bushes during Hermes. Full Story »
An anonymous source inside the Louisiana State Attorney General’s office has revealed that recently named Ochsner Chief of Medicine Momus Alexander Morgus, MD, also known as Morgus the Magnificent, is a “person of interest” in the death of Ochsner Head of Surgery, Chopsley, during the chaotic days after Hurricane Katrina shattered New Orleans.
CNN first reported in October that staff members at the medical center had discussions with Morgus about euthanizing Chopsley for the good of the “Higher Order” even before the hurricane flooded the city on Monday, August 29, 2005, cutting off power and stranding hundreds of thousands of residents. Full Story »
On Tuesday May 20, 2007 Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco gave her farewell address. Her Goner announced she would not seek a second term as leader of our fair state, but would devote the rest of her time as governor to helping out the state instead of trying to get re-elected.
In a quote from her speech to that effect, she claims no regret. “I’m announcing my decision early – well before the legislative session. I’m doing this so we can work without interference from election year politics. Every action in my remaining months in office will be to serve Louisiana. There is nothing more important to Louisiana’s future than a strong recovery, free from politics.” Full Story »
New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin today recommended that the World Trade Center site be filled with chocolate.
Nagin’s comments came on a fundraising trip to New York after his controversial comments about the World Trade Center rebuilding last week on CBS News’ “60 Minutes” program.
When a correspondent pointed out flood-damaged cars still on the streets of New Orleans’ devastated Ninth Ward. Nagin replied, “You guys in New York can’t get a hole in the ground fixed, and it’s five years later. So let’s be fair.”
After the program aired, Nagin was widely criticized in New York as “ignorant,” “insensitive,” and “incompetent.”
“I know that some of my past comments have been misunderstood and have hurt people,” Nagin said today.
While locals debate whether it was in the city’s best interest to celebrate Mardi Gras this year, Louisiana representatives petitioned Congress in true Mardi Gras fashion this Fat Tuesday.
The group of nine, or Krewe of Katrina as they prefer to be called, marched into the Capitol building in full carnival attire late Monday evening, carrying with them the usual array of parade-going necessities, including ice chests filled with beer and cold drinks, a bbq pit for grilling essential foods, kingcakes, lawn chairs, ladders, and an extra-large camping tent.
“The camping tent is our key element to claiming a good spot on the Congressional priority list,” explained Rep. Bobby Jindal. “It lets them know we are here, we are serious, and we mean business.” Full Story »
A moment on the lips, forever on the political resume.
Dwane Robinson’s ice cream shop hasn’t seen many customers since Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans nearly five months ago. But the 46 year-old owner of a Central Business District Baskin Robbins franchise is hoping that a new promotional flavor called “Chocolate City” will change all that.
“There’s just not that many people here and the people that’s here don’t really want ice cream,” Robinson said. “I hope this fundraiser will turn things around.”
The fundraiser is from the new flavor itself. Baskin Robbins will donate 20% of all profits from the sale of “Chocolate City” to various hurricane relief and rebuilding efforts.
Standing behind a table covered in seized oysters, weapons, and assorted shucking paraphernalia, Acting Police Superintendent Warren Riley today announced a new enforcement strategy to crack down on the illegal trafficking and sale of oysters.
The plan, dubbed Operation Half-Shell, will target enforcement in some of the open-air illegal oyster markets that have sprung up around the city.
Since Hurricane Katrina devastated the oyster beds and boats that harvest them, supply for oysters has been unable to keep up with demand. For a desperate, seafood-starved populace, this has created a vibrant and dangerous black market in oysters all across the city.
A dozen unshucked oysters-known on the street as a dime bag-now goes for $10. Full Story »
