Post-K
August 4, 2008
A mix of 'Worktime' and 'Downtime.'CITY HALL — According to highly placed administration sources, Mayor C. Ray Nagin has started planning a two-week overseas trip to bolster his flagging image at home and to look “more Mayoral.”
The trip would begin on August 29th, 2008.
Planning is still “in the early, fixin’-to-get-ready-to stage,” according to the source, but several foreign governments have already been contacted about the possibility of the mayor making public appearances and speeches in front of famous landmarks.
Famous backdrops under consideration for Nagin’s speeches include the Toblerone chocolate factory in Switzerland and the site where the Little Dutch Boy stuck his finger in the dyke.
“We want the City of New Orleans–no, the world–to see C. Ray Nagin for what he truly is: global citizen, humanitarian, and smooth-talking cultured man,” said a high-ranking Nagin administration official.
“It worked for Obama, didn’t it? What’s the big difference between him and us?”
Full Story » »
July 1, 2008
What's in a name?MIAMI, Florida — Amidst a violent, clockwise swirling maelstrom of controversy, the National Weather Service and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have agreed to remove a controversial name from this year’s list of storms.
Regardless of of how many storms form in the Atlantic and the Gulf this year, there will be no Hurricane Motherfu**er.
“There just wasn’t a good reception for this particular name on this year’s list,” said NOAA spokesman Gunther Goodwood. “To say we were surprised is an understatement.”
But fifth grade teacher Gloria Ard said the NOAA should have been able to predict this storm.
“We get those tracking maps every year and follow storms with students. How are we supposed to talk to students about a hurricane named Motherfu**er? How does that possibly go in the Wednesday Weekly newsletter?”
Full Story » »
July 1, 2008
I want my money back.RIVERFRONT — Citing the struggles presented by a high gas prices and a slow economic recovery, a growing group of New Orleanians has contacted the Aquarium of the Americas to decades-old refunds on engraved brick donations.
Angelina Bomenicki received a donated brick as a Christmas gift while still in junior high. It reads: “Merry Christmas, Angina.”
Now a parent with a daughter in junior high to support and facing a subprime mortgage, she feels the refund is her best way to make ends meet.
“The government is just taking too long with my stimulus check, and I’ve got bills to pay,” Bomenicki said.
“It was a really lame gift. I wanted a Hypercolor shirt that year. This is my chance to get back on my feet and right a wrong from a long time ago.”
Full Story » »
June 20, 2008
We're ALL outta here!METAIRIE PRACTICE FACILITY — In what has become a familiar off-season rite of passage, today Tom Benson threatened to move the entire city of New Orleans to San Antonio if he does not receive special subsidies from the State and Parish government.
“The population is down, costs are up; investment is down, foreclosures are up,” argued Benson.
“You have to question the long-term economic viability of keeping the City of New Orleans here in this location.”
“That said, I am 100% committed to keeping New Orleans in New Orleans forever,” he added. “I just need help from our partners in Baton Rouge to make it work.”
Benson called on the Governor to appoint a special commission to negotiate a package of tax breaks, parking fee increases, infrastructure improvements, and direct payments to him.
Full Story » »
May 30, 2008
Art or Justice?CBD — His given name is Fred Radtke, president of the Louisiana not-for-profit organization Operation: Clean Sweep.
But he’s called The Gray Ghost.
This elusive anti-graffiti vigilante uses his signature gray paint to cover up blights on our fair city’s landscape.
And while some people consider him a great citizen fighting to help keep New Orleans beautiful others consider him a vandal that is only adding to the problem.
Now The Gray Ghost is painting with an entirely different brush—in a court of law.
His target? Michael “Rex” Dingler, artist and founder of NolaRising, a public art campaign of whimsical, bright sign art installations around the city.
Full Story » »
May 29, 2008
Violations Mounting.7TH WARD—Prosecutors are moving forward with a full scale investigation and potential indictments of at least seventeen suspected drug abusers in the rank and file of the NOPD Meter Maid Corps.
Suspicions of steroid and HGH abuse began when several outspoken citizens noted the increased bulk of and overall poor attitude of a large proportion of CBD Meter Maids.
Special Investigator Donny Tenaglia of the NOPD Internal Affairs Division has been eyeing the parking ticket scribes for six months or more.
The good folks who write the City of New Orleans Parking Citations have consistently been an agreeable, affable group in the past. They, as a whole, were a real cheerful group of gals.”
“But lately, we’ve documented a significant negative shift in disposition that can only be attributed to ‘roid-rage.’”
Full Story » »
May 19, 2008
May 16, 2008
Big WampumLOWER 9TH WARD — The Mardi Gras Indians today announced plans to construct a casino on their sovereign tribal lands in the Lower 9th Ward.
Today’s official notification to the Federal Bureau of Indian Affairs was a long-expected formality, the culmination of three years of behind-the-scenes work to unite the tribes after the death of Allison “Tootie” Montana in 2005 and the devastation of Hurricane Katrina.
“The tragedies and challenges of life on the reservation are well-documented,” said Chief Theodore “Bo” Dollis of the Wild Magnolias tribe.
“Poor access to education, high rates of alcoholism, limited economic opportunities–our tribes deserve better. And tribal gaming can help us do it.”
“It’s about recovery,” he added.
Full Story » »
April 24, 2008
Worth Wearing in QuotesMAGAZINE STREET
— In response to the CDC Health Advisory issued April 3 on recent irony outbreaks in the United States, The Creole-Tomato has developed a special page on its Web site here for local citizens to learn more about the condition.
Irony–or, as it as known to those already infected, “Irony”–is a highly contagious disease that is transmitted by respiratory droplets, neighborhood choice, and fashionable T-shirts.
Although “Irony” was never an endemic disease in Europe, it remains epidemic in many american cities including but not limited to the Silverlake neighborhood in Los Angeles, the University of Texas campus in Austin, and the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle.
CDC Scientists believe that the Williamsburg, Brooklyn “hipster” may be the original source or “Patient Zero” of this outbreak. Other outbreaks in several parts of the country have been linked to importation from the Brooklyn neighborhood.
Shockingly, the same faction of CDC scientists has stated large outbreaks currently are occurring in New Orleans, Louisiana.
Full Story » »
April 11, 2008
As Seen at The Fest Fest Jazz Fest TentEditors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
CITY HALL –New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin met with local and national sponsors at a formal ceremony at Gallier Hall to unveil a new New New Orleans festival to be called “Festival Fest.”
Festival Fest—which is strategically scheduled to fall between French Quarter Fest and Jazz Fest—will be sponsored by Freeport Mc-Moran, Russell’s Marina Grill, and Campo the Appliance Giant.
“We’re going to have tents representing all the other major festivals in the city,” said Festival Fest promoter Dint Quavis.”There will be The JazzFest Tent, The French Quarter Fest Tent, The Essence Fest Tent, and the Cox Cable/Southern Comfort VooDoo Fest Tent.”
“It’s a festival of fests, really.”
“We’re even in talks to have an all-night Southern Decadence Fest Tent featuring Special Guest Star DJ Victor Calderone,” Quavis added.
Not to be left out, JeffFest organizers will plan the sales of all water filtration devices, “How Ya Gonna Clap” Beer Coozies, and politically-motivated buttons outside the Festival Fest gates.
According to Louisiana Recovery Authority (LRA) economists, Festival Fest is expected to have an impact on the local economy in the millions and take away thousands of free parking spaces from local residents.
Tickets to Festival Fest will be $80 in advance, $90 at the door.
March 15, 2008
February 3, 2008
Better drum lines through chemistryThe cloning debate has come to the Crescent City.
With the Marching 100 in such high demand every Carnival Season, the extracurricular coordinators at St. Aug have been in closed door discussions with prominent genetic scientists from Korea and Switzerland.
At a press conference on the grounds of this Orleans Parish institution, Band Director Professor Doctor Reverend Ernest Johnson Jackson Jr. announced that systematic laboratory work has been underway since August 2005.
Full Story » »
February 3, 2008
Purple, GREEN, and GoldUnderstanding the immense threat of global climate change, Flambeaux announced today that they are going green. Under the plan released today, the highly polluting propane tanks worn on the backs of all Flambeaux will be replaced by a clean burning hydrogen fuel cell whose only emission is water.
“We gotta do our part to reduce our carbon footprints,” said long time Flambeau Marlin Boulet.
“We’re also talkin’ about buyin’ some of them carbon offsets down by Rouse’s.”
Funding will be provided by celebrity greenographer Leonardo DiCaprio, whose interest in a green New Orleans extends beyond little pink houses.
September 14, 2007
Caught Red HandedEditors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
New Orleans is joining the ranks of London, New York, Chicago, and other cities around the world that use closed-circuit television (CCTV) cameras to deter crime.
But with a key difference.
The cameras in the cash-strapped Crescent City are being paid for entirely by private money put up by the producers of the popular “Girls Gone Wild” video series.
Plans for the network of sixty security cameras in and around the French Quarter were announced at joint press conference on Bourbon Street by New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin and “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis.
Calling the cameras “an historic example of public-private partnership,” Mayor Nagin said he sees these wandering, robotic eyes as being a critical piece of the city’s overall crime-reduction strategy, particularly in the tourist-laden French Quarter.
“I say to all the pickpockets, drug dealers, drunk and disorderlies, and other nefarious elements in our fair city: we got our eyes on you,” said Nagin.
Full Story » »
August 29, 2007
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
83% of New Orleans pre-schoolers have experienced feelings of sadness and confusion when they are referred to “pre-Kers” (or when their class is referred to as “pre-K”) because it makes them feel associated with a time before the Hurricane, a new study claims.
The study, conducted by researchers at the Tulane School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine, is expected to have far-reaching effects on education in the city.
Mrs. Loretta Guidry, whose son is in pre-school said, “These children are living it! They’re not ‘Pre-K,’ these are ‘Post-K’ children!
“[Her Son] Little Larry’s is always crying, like he’s getting picked on. It started with teachers just calling them ‘pre-K,’ then the older kids started bullying him. It just hurts the community!”
Full Story » »
August 29, 2007
The Staff of the Creole-Tomato, in somber recognition of this grim 2-year anniversary of the storm has beat the streets in an effort to find out what New Orleanians are doing to mark the occasion.
Greta Falconi of the 7th Ward has organized seven of her neighbors to relocate their refrigerators curbside for three weeks as a nod to all the lost appliances and sordid odors of two years past.
Michelle Breaux has repainted the orange X on the façade of her Garden District home. Full Story » »
August 29, 2007
The Tchoupitoulas Street Wal-Mart Supercenter will be closed for the foreseeable future, according to Local Manager, Israel Green, after a riot with subsequent looting erupted last Thursday.
Reports state the outburst of violence was related to the store’s placement of the HBO documentary, “When the Levees Broke” in the discount bin at the low price of $7.99.
The documentary directed by Spike Lee, which was initially met with skepticism by local residents, has become respected, locally and critically, since it’s airing during the first year anniversary of Katrina last fall. Full Story » »
August 15, 2007
Nash Roberts: Out of RetirementHeeding the warnings of Bill Proenza, the recently reassigned Director of the National Hurricane Center, Senator Mary Landrieu has introduced legislation, S. 1509, to replace the aging weather satellite, QuikSCAT, which is already more than five years past its intended length of service and currently limps along on a back-up transmitter.
Her proposed replacement: Nash Roberts
If QuikSCAT falters, experts estimate that the accuracy of two-day forecasts will suffer by 10 percent and three-day forecasts by 16 percent, which translates into miles of coastline and the difference between a city being evacuated or not. Full Story » »
August 2, 2007
An essential part of the fabric of our communityThe Mayor’s Office and the Vieux Carré Commission today announced a new program to help another part of New Orleans community get back to normal.
“Gutterpunks are an essential part of the fabric of our community,” said Harry Lesneffer, Chairman of the Vieux Carré Commission.
“To every glassy-eyed teenage runaway; to every pot-smoking trust fund baby in search of ‘the authentic’; to every sweaty, dreadlocked, patchouli-wearing, unemployed bassist with an underfed pit-bull and vicious body odor—we want to say to you: come home.” Full Story » »
August 2, 2007
The times, they are a-changin'As it struggles to survive in a post-Katrina New Orleans, local educational institution De La Salle has decided to admit boys for the first time.
“It’s a new New Orleans and a new economic reality,” said Admissions Director Brother Hal Doufreacheaux, FSC.
“We are an institution that prides itself on tradition; however, we must change in order to survive.”
Surprisingly, there has been shockingly little resistance from the parents of students currently enrolled.
“The Cavalier Moms are fully supportive,” said Brother Hal.
“They’re even throwing a bake sale on St. Charles Avenue to pay for urinals to be installed in the bathrooms.”
Related Stories:Jesuit High Roof Pool Moved to Basement
Orleans Parish School Board to Combine McDonough Numbers 15, 42, 32, and 35
August 2, 2007
Ain't there no more.A shocking story has recently been uncovered in Jefferson Parish. A pre-Rite Aid drugstore, once thought extinct, in southeastern Louisiana, has survived time, economic flailing, and Hurricane Katrina. A K&B drugstore has been discovered which has sent commercially sentimental New Orleanians and local preservationists reeling.
The Creole-Tomato has sent its entire investigative team to the township of Westwego, where this dormant, endangered convenience store operates this very day. Your on-the-spot C-T has secured the exclusive interview with K&B franchised proprietor, Ernold Becnel.
C-T: Are you aware, Mr. Becnel, that the Katz & Bestoff pharmacy and sundries convenience store was bought out by the national drugstore chain Rite-Aid nearly ten years ago?
Becnel: Rite-Aid? What’s that, some kinda 10-K thirst-quencher? Anyways why y’all coming here tonight? We close at 10pm, sharply.
C-T: Mr. Becknel, don’t you realize that K&Bs are extinct?
Full Story » »
August 2, 2007
54-46 was my numberCBS News recently reported that the 18-mile long Hangzhou Bay Bridge has stolen the record for the world’s longest bridge from New Orleans’ own Lake Pontchartrain Causeway.
This announcement marks the first time in history that 18 is considered greater than 24, the approximate Causeway mileage; and has sent confused mathematicians, physicists, and scientists back to their textbooks only to discovery that the age old idiom has been right all along: less is more!
“23.87 is greater than 18,” contemplated UCLA Professor Terence Chi-Shen Tao. Full Story » »
August 2, 2007
Careful, these are not VulcansCommunity activists and local law enforcement authorities are expressing concern that the recent federal government deadline to evacuate all FEMA trailers has lead to an increased Romulan presence on the neutral ground (also known as The Neutral Zone).
“The Romulan presence on the neutral ground is in direct violation of the contract brokered between the federal government and the Romulans after Hurricane Katrina,” said Captain James Luke Pikirk of the Federals. Full Story » »
June 3, 2007
This won't hurt a bit.An anonymous source inside the Louisiana State Attorney General’s office has revealed that recently named Ochsner Chief of Medicine Momus Alexander Morgus, MD, also known as Morgus the Magnificent, is a “person of interest” in the death of Ochsner Head of Surgery, Chopsley, during the chaotic days after Hurricane Katrina shattered New Orleans.
CNN first reported in October that staff members at the medical center had discussions with Morgus about euthanizing Chopsley for the good of the “Higher Order” even before the hurricane flooded the city on Monday, August 29, 2005, cutting off power and stranding hundreds of thousands of residents. Full Story » »
May 1, 2007
Reaching higher ground.In a press conference yesterday at Moisant International Airport, United Airlines Chief Marketing Officer Frederick Stout today announced that the airline would begin a new twice nonstop service to Denver beginning June 1.
The flights will be a season promotion ending December 1.
“We think that come June the first, many New Orleanians will be eager to visit the mile high city of Denver,” Stout said.
June 1, 2006
Media prepares to say: We told you so.June 1st marks the beginning of Hurricane Season. Contractors in New Orleans, building severe weather protection systems, are busy struggling to meet the deadlines set earlier in the recovery efforts.
Local governments along the Gulf Coast are penning the final elements of evacuation plans. Mayor Nagin, the recently re-elected mayor of the Choc…of New Orleans has defined “mandatory,” as “recommended.”
Federal government agencies are preparing for the worst. FEMA, in particular, sees a rocky road ahead. FEMA Administration spokeswoman, Liza D. Sete says her agency is actively seeking repayment for the “loan” it signed off on in September 2005. “Blanco hasn’t even made a dent in the interest payment.” Sete claims. Full Story » »
January 15, 2006
A moment on the lips, forever on the political resume.Dwane Robinson’s ice cream shop hasn’t seen many customers since Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans nearly five months ago. But the 46 year-old owner of a Central Business District Baskin Robbins franchise is hoping that a new promotional flavor called “Chocolate City” will change all that.
“There’s just not that many people here and the people that’s here don’t really want ice cream,” Robinson said. “I hope this fundraiser will turn things around.”
The fundraiser is from the new flavor itself. Baskin Robbins will donate 20% of all profits from the sale of “Chocolate City” to various hurricane relief and rebuilding efforts.
The new flavor features chocolate ice cream with several fillings, including tiny milk chocolate refrigerators, café au lait with caramel swirl, purple, green and gold sprinkles, and a plastic baby. Most scoops will also include a single, token marshmallow on top.
“It’s sort of a new-age Rocky Road,” said Lawrence Klapp, spokesman for Baskin Robbins.
Full Story » »
January 15, 2006
Some of the trailers now left homeless. A group of Lakeview residents currently living in trailers have expressed their strong opposition to Mayor Nagin’s plan to put trailers camps at multiple sites in Lakeview.
Their message: “Not in my trailer’s backyard.”
The opposition of the group, known as the Lakeview Trailer Association, comes at a time when a group of noted economists have argued that the city’s recovery is being delayed by the scarcity of affordable housing.
In addition, FEMA currently has more than 30,000 trailers ready to move into the city to house thousands of displaced New Orlenians who are ready to come home and rebuild their lives. If only enough suitable sites can be found.
Full Story » »
January 15, 2006
Garland, we hardly knew ye.Garland Robinette, the New Orleans television and radio journalist, has drowned. He was 68.
Robinette began losing oxygen during the Wednesday afternoon broadcast of his talk radio show, “The Think Tank with Garland Robinette,” on WWL-870 AM.
Robinette faltered while Harold from New Orleans East explained how President Bush, The Shaw Group, and Halliburton were only interested in New Orleans because “there’s oil under the ground in the Lower 9th Ward.”
“What’s your source,” Robinette asked.
“LSU.edu,” the caller replied. “UNO.edu. Whatever. Look it up, Garland.”
“I can’t breathe,” Robinette replied.
Engineers rushed into the broadcast booth to try to save him, but their efforts were too late.
“We should have seen the signs,” said Station Manager Keith Taylor. “Garland’s been under a lot of stress lately, dealing with the deluded ramblings of a paranoid and vocal populace.” Full Story » »
December 30, 2005
Tabula Rasa.At a press conference today in Washington, DC, The First Opportunistic Office of Louisiana Economic Development (FOOLED) announced the four finalists in its “Master Plan to Rebuild Lakeview” competition.
FOOLED, not to be confused with the Florida’s FLOODED agency, first announced the competition three months ago. The organization received 1,574 proposals on how to what to redevelop the struggling New Orleans community so many people used to call home.
Proposals have floated up from community developers, world famous interior designers, visionary architects and even the guy with the Manuel Hot Tamales van that used to park by Stan and Dan’s gas station.
Detailed models for four finalist master plans will be on display for a three month general public review and comment period near the big garbage pile on West End Avenue.
The four finalists are detailed below.
Lake Lakeview
Seaside at Destin’s developer Hiram Oestricher has proposed Lake Lakeview, a Venice, Italy themed lifestyle neighborhood.
The developer would allow the Corps to undermine the levees through careful negligence, and let the neighborhood fill back up, creating a network of scenic canals.
The centerpiece of the plan is Oestricher’s reimagination of the railroad pass over Canal Boulevard as the Pontevecchio over the American Grand Canal.
Full Story » »
December 15, 2005
The display depicted Mr. Bingle smashing a store window with a giant candy cane.It’s no ordinary holiday season in New Orleans this year, so Celebration in the Oaks designer Claude St. Pierre decided to add an unconventional scene to this year’s traditional holiday display.
He thought the beloved New Orleans holiday character Mr. Bingle using an enormous candy cane to loot the Maison Blanche on Canal Street struck just the right humorous tone.
But after complaints from visitors, City Park officials have instructed St. Pierre to dismantle it.
“Although most people did enjoy the decorations, a few visitors found the display to be in poor taste,” said a statement issued by Celebration in the Oaks organizers.
The “Mr. Bingle Looting” scene had sat among the grand, traditional displays of gleaming lights, Santa and his elves, and the Baby Jesus asleep in the manger. Full Story » »
December 15, 2005
New school to be called McDonough #114
Working now for the future.Under pressure from Governor Blanco, Mayor Nagin, and thousands of angry parents to reopen the public schools more quickly, the Orleans Parish School Board announced today that it would combine McDonough numbers 15, 42, 32, and 35 into one 24-hour “super school.”
The new school will be called McDonough #114.
The plan copies heavily from efforts by area private and parochial schools to retain students with a two-shift school day. One set of students attends classes from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m., while another studies from 4 p.m. to 11 p.m.
Rummel/Brother Martin/Mt. Carmel and St. Martin’s/Jesuit currently have such arrangements.
The McDonough #114 plan, however, calls for a third shift of students from midnight to 7 a.m. Full Story » »
December 15, 2005
One man's trash is another man's defenses.The Governor’s Office of Coastal Activities today announced a new plan to use refrigerators thrown away after Katrina to restore some of the wetlands the hurricane destroyed.
“Our Christmas tree recycling program has been so successful, that we’ve decided to expand it,” said Acting Assistant Secretary Gerald M. Duszynski of the Office of Coastal Restoration and Management at a press conference in Baton Rouge.
“We looked at how our wetlands have been devastated and we looked at all the refrigerators piling up on the streets and we thought: there’s a no-brainer.”
No reliable estimates exist for the number of disposed refrigerators. Some experts put the number in just Orleans and Jefferson Parishes in the hundreds of thousands.
According to the State’s plan, the refrigerators will be bound together in a wooden fence, or pen, in a shallow open-water area. In theory, the fences will provide a wave-break that can reduce erosion and provide reefs for fish and crustaceans. Full Story » »
November 30, 2005
A rare glimpse of the elusive Turducken in its natural habitat.The Holidays just won’t be the same in Luling without Turducken.
In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, much attention has been paid to the destruction of homes, businesses, and other man-made elements. But natural destruction—particularly that of animal habitats—is taking its toll on the region as well.
Many Louisianans face the grim prospect of spending this holiday without Turducken, due to the destruction of the rare bird’s habitats and the enormous demand that comes with the season.
For Gaston Dupuis’ family, the bird is a Thanksgiving tradition. Full Story » »
November 15, 2005
Can this man single-handedly save New Orleans?While Congress and outside flood control experts debate over funding and design, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers announced today their plan to make New Orleans impregnable to Category 5 hurricanes: Roman Candy.
“Many thought decades would pass before a solution could be found,” said Lt. Gen. Carl Strock, Commander and Chief of Engineers, U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.
“But our team of scientists and engineers have worked around the clock to arrive at this definitive solution.”
While the plan may sound unusual, other countries have their own novel flood control methods. Full Story » »
November 15, 2005
You can run, but you can't hide.In yet another sign that life in Jefferson Parish is returning to normal, the Sheriff’s Office today announced that it would immediately resume the killing of nutria in the parish’s canals.
“I know things have been crazy around here lately,” said Sheriff Harry Lee. “But it’s about time we get back to normal.”
“That’s why I’ve decided to instruct my deputies to resume randomly shooting nutria in public between the hours of 2 and 5 A.M.” Full Story » »
November 15, 2005
Green is the new black.You moved from Brooklyn to the Bywater in the last five years, attracted by the vibe, low real estate prices, and a desire for “the authentic.” Now you’re authentically flooded, stuck in a city with few functioning Starbucks within New Urbanism-scale walking distance.
What’s a carpetbagger-cum-trendsetter to do in these critical fall fashion months?
There’s a fungus among us, but don’t let that smell bring you down. Full Story » »
