Hubig’s Answers NFL in “Who Dat” Controversy

Whobig's

FAUBOURG MARIGNY—While everyone from Madison Avenue to Marerro argues over who owns “Who Dat,” one New Orleans company  is emerging as a clear victor.

The closely-watched Simon Hubig Pie Company (NASDAQ: HUBG) is  is primarily known for baking all of its products daily, for using fresh, local ingredients, and for being a vital measurement of inflation and consumer purchasing power.

But today, Savory Simon has waddled into the high-stakes world of intellectual property and beaten the NFL at its own game. In regulation, we might add.

Recently named Vice President of Public Relations for Hubig’s, Honeycutt James LeClaire, gave The Creole-Tomato this exclusive.

“We abhor the NFL’s boorish tactic of sending cease and desist letters sent to FluerTy Girl and Storyville T shirts,” said LeClaire. “We’ve got another loaf a-rising.”

“We’ve locked up domestic and international trademark usage of ‘Hu-Dat?!’ in perpetuity. And the NFL can’t do a damn thing about it..”

“Those idiots got it spelled wrong,” the masterbaker added.

“Hu doesn’t know how to spell a simple word like ‘Hu’?”

Local Fan’s Predictive Text
Still Hasn’t Learned “Who Dat.”

A cmn prblm this wknd.

“I must have sent that message a hundred times over the weekend,” Ronnie said. “And still I’m ending up with ‘Who Fat?’ half the time.”

“I sent that to my Mom and my girlfriend by accident,” he added.

Ronnie’s not alone, according to Verizon Wireless spokesperson Philip Hanson.

“Of the literally millions of text messages send into and out of the Greater New Orleans Metropolitan Area over the weekend, more than half of them read ‘Who Eat,’” said Hanson.

“We also saw a lot of ‘Who Fav?’ and ‘Who Dav?’ and ‘Who Dau?’”

To correct the problem, Hanson recommends that customer switch to the slower manual typing (or “Abc”) mode for composing text messages.

He also recommended that customers might consider switching their allegiance to a city known for better grammar.

“These phones are programmed to help our customers spell correctly and communicate with proper grammar,” said Hanson. “Clearly, they weren’t designed for New Orleans.”

In the meantime, Ronnie Clark says he’ll make do.

“I’ll keep sending out ‘Who Dats’ as fast as I can,” he said. “Even if they’re ‘Who Thats.’”

Vikings Defeated, Wood Brought

Reggie Bush conveys the log.

CBD—The New Orleans Saints defeated the Minnesota Vikings 31-28 Sunday, clinching their first-ever Super Bowl berth.

“During the bye week, I gave this team a simple challenge: chaperone the arbor,” said Head Coach Sean Payton.  “These players bought into the system and that’s exactly what we did. We conveyed the log.”

The Saints didn’t just introduce the Minnesota Vikings to the beam, they also delivered cypress at the feet of Vikings quarterback Brett Favre.

“We sourced the lumber, we traveled to where it was located, we obtained it, and, finally, we presented it to the quarterback,” said Defensive End Bobby McCrae. “All week in practice, our focus was on escorting that birch. And during the game, we consorted with it”

“They convoyed it, absolutely; they convoyed it and they conveyed it,” said a weary Brett Favre after the game. “And it wasn’t balsa, I assure you. That was pure mahogany that was visited upon me.”

“It felt like they superinduced a jungle on us out there,” added Vikings Pro Bowl Left Tackle Bryant McKinnie.  “It was total remote reforestation.”

On offense, Quarterback Drew Brees revealed that a similar strategy had been at work: carrying the two-by-four.

“Ash, sycamore, walnut, teak, magnolia, hazel—you name it, we called it forth,” said Brees in the on-field postgame press conference.

“But you’ve really got to give credit to these fans,” Brees added.  After years of undelivered timber, we were finally able to fetch the kindling and return with it to the place where the fans were.”

Game Analysis: 4th Down Power Chug
Propelled Key Play

"I could feel the Miller Lite...flowing through my veins," said Thomas.

METAIRIE PRACTICE FACILITY—Monday Morning Quarterbacking continues following the Saints 31-28 victory over the Vikings, but Coach Sean Payton knows where the credit for the franchise’s first Super Bowl berth belongs.

“I want to publicly thank Terrance Everheart of the 2800 block of Annunciation Street for calling for the Fourth Down Power Chug that turned the tide of this game,” Coach Payton said on Tuesday.

The Everheart-led Power Chug occurred on a critical fourth-and-inches play with 12:41 left in overtime. The play, a handoff to running back Pierre Thomas, picked up the first down, but just barely.

“I’ll admit it, we were tired out there,” said Coach Payton. “But somehow Terrance and eight of his friends continuously chugging beers from the time that the huddle broke to the time that the whistle blew the play dead gave us the power up we needed to get the job done.

“We executed the play, but they executed the Power Chug,” said Thomas. “It was as if I could feel the Miller Lite they were drinking flowing through my veins, giving me strength and power.”

“They say football is a game of inches,” Payton said. “But I know, and Mr. Everheart knows, sometimes it’s a game of fluid ounces.”

Reached for comment late Tuesday, Everheart said: “Drinking alcohol and cheering for the Saints are two of my fondest pastimes. I was happy to be able to combine these two passions to help my team and my city.”

While he made no promises about when he may again use his God-like power to alter the outcome of a sporting event, he promised that he will “continue to drink alcohol and cheer for the Saints” for the “foreseeable future.”

The National Reaction: Black and Gold Superbowl

Every so often, The Creole-Tomato asks residents for their local reaction to a national event. This time, we asked the nation to react to a dramatic local event: the Saints making the Superbowl for the first time in their history.

C-T Editors’ Note: Are you local? Do you have a reaction? Don’t feel left out! Click “leave comment” in the lower right-hand corner or fill in the box below.

Reggie Bush Resigns

A Relationship Matures

The pair, who recently returned from a charity trip to Africa with Kardashian’s sister Khloe, just last May talked about “heading” toward marriage, but their relationship suffered from the time they spent apart – with yet another separation looming with the upcoming NFL regular season.

Yesterday, Bush took measures to win back his girlfriend.

Kim’s PR rep, Stavros Fiettdinger, told The Creole-Tomato “Kim said it’s either me or all your little friends in black and gold tights.”

“So Reggie manned-up and quit playing that ridiculous boys-only club and they are going to have, like, a wedding bigger than Diana’s”

Mr. Fiettdinger then squealed like a little girl, unable to contain his excitement.

But where does that leave the New Orleans Saints?

In one of the saddest days in franchise history, the Saints released Bush, a wildly popular team member who holds franchise records for rushing and touchdowns. “They say all good things must come to an end, and obviously this is a day as a player that you dread to happen,” a teary-eyed Bush said while cameras flashed and videotape rolled. “But if you don’t go out on your own terms, there is a possibility that this eventually may occur.

C-T SPORTS: Hornets Fall To Jazz

Fan Up

“This was a very frustrating loss,” said Utah Hornets coach Byron Scott.

“We talked the other day about coming out and being aggressive with this team. And when I say aggressive, I mean to kind of take away things. I thought we just allowed them to pass the ball where they wanted to, go where they wanted to.”

The Utah Hornets have won over the New Orleans Jazz three times this season, sweeping the season series and leaving the Jazz psychologically demoralized, at least when it comes to playing the Hornets.

But there’s still hope for New Orleans fans. The New Orleans team can still make a comeback. All they need is one victorious game to clinch a playoff berth in the Western Conference.

Go Jazz!

OP-ED: I’m Breaking Up With You, Drew Brees
by The City of New Orleans

In Better Days

After watching this past Superbowl I was overcome with a sense of deep regret, and some guilt. My conscience was nagging me as if I had done something wrong. After a “party-pack” of Abita and much reflection I realized what I needed to do – apologize.

I am so sorry Drew. It is not you; it’s me. Me being New Orleans. I imagine after this past season you went back to your Uptown home and wondered how after having one of the most prolific seasons for a quarterback and engineering the #1 offense across the board in all of the NFL, you did not even get a chance to compete in the playoffs.

And now you had to watch the Arizona Cardinals play in the big game. The Cardinals! All the free Plum Street sno-balls, K-Paul’s dinners, and George Rodrigue paintings could not possibly make up for it.

It is not the defense, the kickers, or the division. It’s me. It’s not you. I hope we can work it out. Honestly I do, but maybe we should take a break.

Don’t believe me? The Saints did not have winning record for our first 20 years. The Saints have lost more games by the fewest points this past season.

And it’s not just sports, it’s all of my ways. My politicians are crooked and still manage to get reelected. The schools are in trouble, the crime is rampant, and the income is low. We are already literally 6 feet deep with utter destruction looming every hurricane season. We generate our most money by allowing people to come and defile themselves and our city with cheap, strong drinks.

The writing is on the wall. I may have the best food, the best parties, and the best time, but we will never win it all, on any aspect.

Again I thought that giving you the reason may ease your mind and help you sleep. I am sorry Drew but it is just out of your hands. So have a drink and eat a po-boy at Frankie & Johnnie’s, (not Domilises’s… that one’s for Peyton). You’re in a city that loves you like the mangy greyhound strays one would save in City Park, but I just don’t know if we can truly satisfy each other.

Who Dat?

P.S. I’ve been seeing someone else. His name is Chris Paul. I’m sorry.

New Orleans Fans Class Up New York

Class Act

But Bar None on gameday hosts neither Gang Green (NYJ) nor Big Blue(NYG) fans. The Meadowlands flockers flock elsewhere on their aways.

Bar None attracts a certain, discerning type of NFL fan. That fan bleeds black and gold.

It seems that New Orleans ex-pats attend Bar None after mass for the ambiance and expertly crafted cocktails. Because Bar None plays the Saints game, participants have been heard to express that getting to see the game is lagniappe.

“What a spirited football match, I do hope our boys in black champion this particular rivalry,” said Saints Fan/Bud Man Harold Picoult, who hails from Lower Vacherie but has lived in Park Slope, Brooklyn for the last eight years.

The Bar None experience is genteel and harkens back to a bygone era of sports-going sophistication.

This pocket of demure boosterism has not gone unnoticed in the City that Never Sleeps.

Full Story »

LSU to Abandon Educational Mission;
Will Focus on Core Business of Football

The Tiger Band: Music-Related Football Support Services

“Our education operations have been a drag on our growth for a long time,” said Chancellor Martin.

“This move will allow us to focus exclusively on what’s always been our core business: football, football-related services, and the licensing of football-related products.”

“The Board of Regents is united in its belief that this new, single focus the best way to accomplish this institution’s three goals: to win SEC and National Championships, to grow broadcast and merchandise revenue, and, finally, to educate the citizens of Louisiana,” Martin said.

The announcement came as no surprise to many observers.

“LSU has literally been a Football Factory for years now,” said economist and higher education analyst Brent Skogins. “They’re just finally admitting what everybody’s been whispering for years.”

Full Story »

Saints GM: Shockey’s Hernia Injury Is
“Exactly Why We Brought Him Here”

Down and up?

“If you look at Jeremy’s track record, you’ll find that he plays the tight end position with energy and serious play-making ability,” says Loomis.

“But what you’ll also find is that when he gets hurt, good things happen.”

Loomis is, of course, referring to the 2007-08 campaign of the New York Giants, a struggling team that was propelled to victory after Shockey broke his left fibula in Week 15.

“This is exactly why we brought him here, and we’re right on track to where we want to be,” Loomis continued.

“In fact, I’d say we’re ahead of schedule. The Giants weren’t able to get him hurt until Week 15; this is just Week 3. And I think that’s due to the hard work of this coaching staff.”

Full Story »

Hoping to Get to the Super Bowl,
Saints Hoping Shockey Gets Hurt

The Key to Super Bowl Success?

Now all they need to do is figure out how to get him hurt.

Shockey, a Pro Bowl Tight End with big speed and a big reputation for trouble, got hurt midway through New York’s 2007-2008 campaign, propelling the rudderless franchise to victory.

Now the Saints are hoping he can repeat that same magic one more time.

“In a sense, this is the perfect city for Jeremy to do what he does best,” said Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis.

“There are many establishments serving reasonably-priced beverages that, when consumed in the right quantities, affect the body’s balance and coordination. Many are also located on streets with old, broken sidewalks.”

“If there’s a better town to partially tear an ACL, I don’t know what it is.”

Saints officials confirm that they have encouraged Shockey to do workouts on his own on the cobblestone streets of the Warehouse District.

In fact, no option is off the table when it comes to helping Shockey do his best.

“I don’t know if it will come placing banana peels around where he’s known to walk,” said Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis. “But we’re fully prepared to do whatever it takes to get this franchise to a Super Bowl.”

GOSSIP: George Lucas “Using the Force” on CP3?

The Classic Pose

In the height of the offseason, rumor has it that Chris Paul (a.k.a. CP3) has been solicited by the man behind the six Star Wars movies.

Could another trilogy featuring the city’s own CP3 be in the making?

When asked for comment Hornets MVP CP3 stated that he was programmed primarily for protocol and language.

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Dome Commission Rejects Mignon Faget’s
Bid For Stadium Naming Rights

A real MF

Today, the Superdome Commission announced that it has rejected a multi-million dollar bid from local jewelry maker Mignon Faget for naming rights to the 30-year old sports stadium.

The proposed bid, rumored to be “well above market value,” according to a party with knowledge of the offer, was rejected by commission officials due to concerns about “fit and image.”

In a written statement, newly appointed commission chairman Gaston Laborde said:

“While the offer certainly represented a more than generous offer on the part of the company, is is our view that the two organizations’ are not a good match at this time.” Full Story »

C-T Sports: Two N.O. VooDoo Dolls
Called Up To The NFL

The Dolls Class of '08, Sans Brandi and Nikki

In a news conference to announce the move late yesterday, Falcons General Manager Thomas Dimitroff said:

“We’ve had our eyes on these ladies for quite a while, examining them very closely in slow-motion replays and extreme close-ups, often for hours at a time and very late at night.”

“We’re really, really excited,” he added. “Really excited.”

Speaking via satellite from the ESPN Zone restaurant in Baltimore, ESPN NFL draft expert Mel Kiper was stunned by the move.

Full Story »

Hornets Game TiVoed, Erased Before Viewing

Next Year

For the first time in American sports history, a game involving the New Orleans Hornets, a professional NBA franchise, was recorded for later viewing.

According to a recently released report by Nielsen Media Research, local Cottman Transmission apprentice mechanic Chad Littleford TiVoed Game 7 of the NBA Eastern Conference Semifinal.

Sports commentators around the world are just beginning to understand the significance of this event.

Full Story »

NBA Hires New York Firm to Rename Hornets

A Desire To Be More Authentically, “Naturally N’awlins”

Your name here.

NEW YORK — They were born in Charlotte, spent some time in Oklahoma City, and now they think they’re ready to be full-fledged locals. But the New Orleans Hornets still don’t sound like they’re from here.

That’s why the top brass at NBA Corporate Headquarters has hired New York marketing and branding experts BrandEssence and Partners to develop a list of new names for the team.

According to league sources, the list (printed below) is a result of months of meticulous research to “get at the authentic soul of New Orleans, to express what the city is really all about.”

The Gumbos
The Flashers
The Open Containers
The Roux
The Swamp Tours
The Grits
The Riverboat Queens

Full Story »

Native Son Manning Conflicted:
Superbowl or Bacchus

Throw me somethin', Mister!

But it happened Sunday night at historic Lambeau Field, where New Orleans-born Eli Manning led the New York Giants to a 23-20 overtime victory in the National Football Conference championship game. New York will play the unbeaten New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII on Feb. 3 at Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Ariz.
Manning, who prepped at Newman School, celebrated outside the Giants’ locker room with his parents, Archie and Olivia, and older brother Cooper and his wife, Ellen.

“I don’t think it’s sunk in quite yet,” said Manning, who completed 21 of 40 passes for 254 yards with no interceptions in subzero temperatures and a wind chill of 24 below, making it the third-coldest game in National Football League history.

Full Story »

Iron Shiek Challenges Bacchus Grand Marshall to Cage Match

It's on!

After accepting Endymion’s invitation, the Iron Shiek immediately issued challenge to Bacchus’ Grand Marshall, the soft spoken ex-performer for the WWF, Hulk Hogan.

“Hulk Hogan,” screamed the Shiek after snatching the microphone from Mean Gene Okerland.

“You think you’re man enough to be king of all Mardi Gras, meet me in the cage and we’ll find out.”

Full Story »

Reggie Bush to Walk on Water

Bless you, Boys

The announcement was immediately met with universal community praise.

“It’s about time somebody walked on water for these children,” said one local resident.

Full Story »

Sweatin’ out the Fats!

As Seen On TV

But with Richard Simmons?

That’s right, the Rhythm and Blues music legend Antoine “Fats Domino” Dominique has teamed up with another famous New Orleans native, Milton “Richard” Simmons, to create a new video workout routine entitled “Sweatin’ out the Fats!”.

“Fats’ music speaks to everyone. And I speak to everyone about fitness using music,” said Simmons at a recent press conference.

“It’s seemed so natural for me to use the music from my home written by a man called ‘Fats’ to help people kick out the fats!”

Full Story »

Gretna Organizes Committee to Bid for 2016 Olympics

Greatna!

The recently incorporated Best Bank-Shout Out 2016, LLC will attempt to make a serious pre-bid plea for hosting the Summer games of 2016.

With the obvious economic influx that would follow the awarding of the games, Gretna feels that the West Bank locality could not only handle the burden of hosting, but also offer the Olympics Coalition a positive glimpse of West Bank Culture.

Full Story »

“Aints” Fan Devastated By Recent Team Success

Memories of better times.

Aint’s Fan and Gentilly resident Jordan Samson doesn’t want to be in that number.

“I feel betrayed,” says Samson. “I feel like my team abandoned me.”

“After Katrina, everybody was afraid that the team that they knew and loved would leave town.”

“In my brown paper bag eyes, they did.”

Full Story »

Harrah’s Sponsors Charity Chocolate Mousse Wrestling

I'll sautee his ass in butter! Bam!

The event, called “Chef-Mania!” will take place Saturday, August 11th, typically the hottest day of the year.

Emeril Lagasse is training in Los Angeles under the tutelage of short-shorts guru and St. Aloysius Alum, Richard Simmons.

Prudhomme, however, is working in New Iberia with personal mobility device manufacturer Hoverround on a new, secret scooter in preparation for the gooey match.

Full Story »

Frank Davis Fish ‘n Game Report:
Carrollton and I-10 Underpass

That's Naturally N'awlins!

There’s been great fishing right in our own backyard.The Carrollton Underpass at I-10 is shaping up to be a fantastic fishing hole. Last week I caught great perch, sac-a-lait, and lawn ornaments.

And the best part about it, there’s no limit on redfish.

The fish are easy to find. All you’ve got to do look for bubbles on the water’s surface. It’s either a fish or toxic gases escaping up from the sewer.

You’ve got to get out early, though. The National Guard humvees and garbage trucks usually start rolling through around nine, scaring all the fish.