I-10 CORRIDOR — At a downtown gala today, LSU Medical Center spokesperson Charles Weze, unveiled the institution’s two-part plan tthe devastated New Orleans’s health care system.
First, evict residents from their homes in a historic downtown area of the city.
Second, wait for a handout from the federal government.
“It’s quite simple,” said Weze. “There is an extensive area of neighborhoods near the LSU health care region and the old VA. We would simply like to ask all the people of these neighborhoods to go to hell.”
“We’ve heard all the excuses,” continued Weze. “‘I just spent the last 3 years renovating my house since the storm,’ and my own personal favorite: ‘Can’t you rebuild in the same areas as the prior hospitals.’”
“On behalf of LSU Health Sciences, I would like to state that we have officially put our hands to ours ears and started sing-songing: ‘We cant hear you, we cant hear you.’”
MANHATTAN, New York — Under the towering leadership of billionaire mayor Michael Bloomberg, New York City has seen economic issues ebb and flow during the last seven years. Bloomberg, a businessman by trade has invigorated the post-9/11 metropolis by strong development initiatives and small business support.
Given the recent collapse of Wall Street, New Yorkers, and Americans for that matter, are looking to the inscrutable Mayor Mike for ideas.
“We’ve met success in a wavering financial climate when we reached out across our city limits for mutually beneficial programming,” said Mayor Mike while presenting an 88-page Power Point deck.
“The best example is the Charlotte-New York compact on real estate development capital prospecti. Or the Puerto Rico-5 Borough teacher exchange and salary boost. And we’re finally underway on the tax exemptions in Pennsylvania as well.”
But the big news is a scheme dreamed up by the New York City Tourism Board to launch the First Annual Krewe of Macy’s Mardi Gras-Style Thanksgiving Day Parade.
LAFAYETTE SQUARE — After 18 months of bidding wars and lawsuits, The Creole-Tomato is proud to announce that on Wednesday our executive board closed the $15 million purchase of The New Orleans Levee and two other weekly newspapers in St. Paul, Minnesota.
The sale has allowed The Creole-Tomato access to The Levee’s publication plants and circulation of 18,700.
The new company will be called Creole-Levee Holdings, LLC.
“Fortunately with pre-existing structure of the New Orleans Levee, the reading public should see no significant change,” said Stroelitz M. Allen, Chairman and CEO ofThe Creole-Tomato.
“It’s as if the takeover was made up. Fictitous, in a way. And to be fair, the New Orleans Levee had a good run.”
President-elect Barack Obama began moving Wednesday to build his administration and make good on his ambitious promises to point This Great Land of Ours in a different direction.
Who do you think who make a good part of Team Obama?
“Two words - Sarah Palin, Secretary of Hotness.”
–Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
“How about Bobby Jindal?”
-Bobby Jindal, Governor, Kenner/East Baton Rouge Parish
“Well, there ought to be some Republicans somewhere, I think. Did you see the Senate results? Oh, man. More like Grand Ol’ Funeral.”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“What an historic election! Yes We Can! Go Bama! I can not believe I lived to see the day a Communist Arab took the presidency! Hail Marx! Long Live Che! Roll Tide!”
–Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
“Don’t blame me. I voted for William Jefferson.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
C-T Editors’ Note: Are you local? Do you have a reaction? Don’t feel left out! Click “leave comment” in the lower right-hand corner or fill in the box below.
JEFFERSON – As Halloween approaches the Big un-Easy, residents are expressing concern about the potential collapse of one of New Orleans’ revered institutions.
With stock market prices all over the map and the US economic crisis sending mortgage-backed security backwash throughout Europe and Asia, the Treasury Department today announced an emergency plan to bail out the House of Shock.
Original founded by homegrown thrash metal band Pantera in the mid-1980s, House of Shock flourished as an upstart and eventually showed itself as an able competitor of the mainstay Sheriff Foti’s Haunted House.
Though controversial, the bailout package was immediately endorsed by both presidential candidates Senators Obama and McCain.
But will the bailout work? According to House of Shock CFO Marjorie Killgore, positive effects are not likely to be felt immediately and layoffs are certain.
“It’s just that this work is seasonal, you know,” said an out of work disembodied hand. “But I’m optimistic, I’ll find something.”
This is America after all,” he added.
Legislators stressed strict controls and oversight would be put into effect immediately.
“The last thing we need is some emaciated, re-animated corpse doling out high dollar bonus packages to his bonesaw toting minions,” said Louisiana Congressman Bill Jefferson.
GRETNA, Louisiana — The local Mexican-American population of Jefferson Parish will have something to raise Hell about this Halloween.
State Representative John LaBruzzo (R-Metairie), who most recently proposed paying poor women to have their fallopian tubes tied, is now calling for the post-Katrina Mexican population of New Orleans to give up their traditional November 2nd holiday, Dios des los Meurtos, or Day of the Dead.
Day of the Dead falls on All Souls Day — Nov. 2 — and is celebrated with particular gusto in Mexico, where families visit cemeteries to offer food and flowers for their lost relatives, whose portraits are placed on altars at home.
Day of the Dead has centuries of tradition, combining All Souls Day with two pre-Hispanic holidays in honor of the dead. It is a festive rather than sad occasion, and with support from local Roman Catholic Churches, the tradition runs strong.
But LaBruzzo wonders if this post-Halloween tradition is good for New Orleans.
“New Orleans is a wholesome, family-oriented city, and our citizens have no use for this sense of the macabre,” he said.
“In Mexico, there’s a long tradition of vampires in literature and TV; they give names like “Voodoo” to their football teams and festivals; and they ride buses called ‘Cemetaries.’ They even use convicts to scare kids in haunted houses.”
“These are not the type of things that would be acceptable to the good people of our town,” he added.
When reached for comment, local Mexican-American community leaders said: “Chupa me, puto.”
SOUTH SHORE HARBOR — If you hear the bone-rattling sound of the old New Orleans Zephyr in the air over the next few months, it’s not your nostalgic imagination.
After much debate about where to produce their next project, the former New Orleans based production company Butter & Pickles Only Entertainment has decided to return to their home town to make their film, “Pontchartrain Screech.”
The movie will be shot entirely in the city with production scheduled to start in September.
“Pontchartrain Screech” is a thriller loosely based on the famous French play “Huis Clos” by Jean-Paul Sartre.
Except much bloodier.
It explores the darker nature of relationships as a couple gets trapped in the long since demolished amusement park where they blindly torture each other by prodding each other’s past sins.
Meanwhile, an unknown freak-show-style killer is on the loose.
With the executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer on board, success is almost garaunteed.
“We’ve got the old Pirates of the Carribean crew recreating Pontchartrain Beach exactly as it used be, but spookier and more exaggerated. To call it cartoonish would be an understatement,” Bruckheimer let on.
Co-owners of the local production company, Landy “Butter” Rhodes and Capshaw “Pickles” Bertrand, are eager to continue being a part of the growing film industry in Louisiana.
U.S. Rep. William Jefferson overcame the stigma of a federal bribery indictment in Louisiana’s Democratic primary on Saturday, garnering enough votes in his New Orleans-based congressional district to secure a spot in a Nov. 4 runoff.
Jefferson, seeking his 10th term in Congress, faces a December trial on charges that he took bribes, laundered money and misused his congressional office for business dealings in Africa.
What do you think?
“I’m not sure if she’s qualified. How big is her freezer?”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“Does Moreno have any crooked brothers or sisters? That might help.”
–Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
UNITED STATES CONGRESS DISTRICT #2 –- Congressional Representative hopeful and former WDSU reporter Helena Moreno has vowed that, along with her desire to restore health care, repair our levee system, and clean up the stifling corruption of the state’s political system, she will be also be taking great strides to make Louisiana politics “just that little bit more stylish.”
Hoping to garner swing votes from former Hillary Clinton supporters, Moreno has announced that she has officially joined the “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits.”
Right wing political pundits may have blogged extensively about Moreno’s inexperience, but they nearly always begrudgingly admit that she is not only a top-notch orator, but also always sartorially appropriate.
NOVDAA Support Moreno
Most of Moreno’s locally famous former colleagues have thrown their weight behind the cherubic blonde’s Congressional attempt.
Long-time WDSU anchor Alec Gifford says: “Look, Susan Roesgen was classy, no doubt about it, but when Helena came along? Whoa, that lady had panache, if I was 20 years younger, what I wouldn’t….”
Former colleague Investigative Reporter Richard Angelico told the C-T that he personally felt like a “slob” working next to Ms. Moreno.
“CNN, Congress, couture,’ said Angelico. “Helena was going somewhere, and we could only just sit back and watch. About the only person who could keep up was Roop [Raj].”
Mr. Raj was unavailable for comment as he was in New York City’s Bryant Park for Fashion Week 2008.
Moreno has secured the endorsements of The Washington Post, Gambit Weekly, and The New Orleans Levee, and the Marrero Chapter of the New Orleans Voodoo Dolls Alumnae Association (NOVDAA).
RE RENEW NEW ORLEANS is a simple concept for a complicated time: solidarity. A commitment to hope and a public affirmation of the past, present, and future of New Orleans. Buy a sticker and contribute directly to the Creole-Tomato Fried Chicken and Beer fund. Personally broadcast a statement: New Orleans will be rebuilt, and faith will be restored. There can’t be any future for New Orleans without this website, and we hope this to be one small step towards bringing it back. Re Renew New Orleans. Now.
110 % of the sale price will go directly to the Creole-Tomato Fried Chicken and Beer Fund.
HOUMA, Louisiana — As the tree limbs are cleaned up and the elecricity is being restored, life here is already beginning to take on a semblance of normalcy.
But beneath the surface, the town that dodged Katrina and Rita has its own new reality to contend with–something residents and community leaders are calling “Post-G.”
After suffering only limited damage in the two storms that will define life in Louisiana for a generation, Houma finally has an malaise to call its own.
“People here were really starting to feel left out,” said Houma City Council member R. Breau “Chip” Badeaux.
“All the other towns to our east and to our west were able to wear their wounds like badges of honor. Now we’ve got our own thing to make us shellshocked and interesting to the outside world.”
MIAMI, Florida — Hurricane Ike was downgraded to a Category Three storm today, which means more nervous days of watching and worrying for the American media-industrial complex.
The smaller the force of the storm, the lower the potential ratings for the 24-hour news channels desperate to fill up their airwaves with anything that even closely resembles real news.
“National Hurricane Center calls them Saffir-Simpson scale numbers, but they might as well be Neilsen ratings points,” said CNN Managing Editor Brian Stelter.
“A Category 3 storm will give us a 3 houseold, 5 share easy,” he added.
“The best thing that could happen would be a Cat 5, giving us a 5 Neilsen Household, 8 or 9 share.”
GREEN BAY, Wisconsin –- The New Orleans convention and hospitality industry suffered its first official Gustav-related casualty today.
The North American Chapter of the International Cheesemakers Guild (ICG) announced that they would be cancelling their Fall International Cheese Festival–originally scheduled to take place at Razzoo’s Bar & Patio on Bourbon Street.
ICG spokesperson Larry Bonderant announced that although the group tried everything it could to keep the cheesefest “where it belonged,” the damage caused by Gustav had made it necessary to move.
“We wanted the world to see that Razzoo’s has collected some of the finest examples of cheese on a nightly basis. But unfortunately, we’ll have to do it another time.”
Bonderant said that no final alternate location has been chosen, but the finalists are all located in Dallas, Houston, and Atlanta.
The Staff of the Creole-Tomato, in somber recognition of this grim 3-year anniversary of the storm, has beat the streets in an effort to find out what the community is doing to mark the occasion.
Mother’s Restaurant on Poydras Street in the CBD will officially rename the ‘Debris’ po’ boy the ‘SDT.’
Jody Marino, of Lake Terrace, will call his sister, residing since August 29th 2005 in Columbia, South Carolina, and have a brief, awkward conversation.
The Lakefront Arena Aquatics Center of the East Campus of the University of New Orleans will continue anticipate repairs from damage caused by Hurricane Katrina in 2005.
Mayor Eddie Price of Mandeville, Louisiana will attend an AA Meeting at Holy Trinity Church, North of Hwy 21 S & I-12 in Covington, so as not to be witnessed at 3300 Monroe Street, the meeting place of the Mandeville District 12 Chapter.
C. Ray Nagin, The Honorable Mayor of The City of New Orleans, will be on “downtime.”
As of press time, meterologists are predicting that Hurricane Gustav could set its sights on the still-shellshocked City of New Orleans. What do you think?
“Maybe we should stop giving storms Russian names. Just a thought.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“No worries, man. We got reservations at the Astrodome.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“Define ‘mandatory.’”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“OMG! WTF! Do I have 2 go back 2 Long Island?”
–Nikki Feinstein, Tulane Student
“Oooh! I can’t wait for Anderson Cooper to come back to town.”
–Lance Fratinelli, Freelance Jewelry Designer, Fabourg-Marigny
COVINGTON, Louisiana — The US Military Health Sciences provided a big shot in the arm today to the New Orleans health care system in the form of huge cash infusion for an extensive study on local resident Pierre Arceneaux.
Mr. Arceneaux’s seemingly low-key lifestyle as a bait supplier to regional game shops has drawn intense scrutiny from Army scientists after he was on featured on a WWL-TV human-interest segment discussing his nearly 3-year record of subsisting only exclusively on left over post-Katrina MREs.
“I don’t see what the big deal is about all this, but if the government wants to study me for some cash. Sure, I guess,” Mr. Arceneaux told the C-T.
CITY HALL — According to highly placed administration sources, Mayor C. Ray Nagin has started planning a two-week overseas trip to bolster his flagging image at home and to look “more Mayoral.”
The trip would begin on August 29th, 2008.
Planning is still “in the early, fixin’-to-get-ready-to stage,” according to the source, but several foreign governments have already been contacted about the possibility of the mayor making public appearances and speeches in front of famous landmarks.
Famous backdrops under consideration for Nagin’s speeches include the Toblerone chocolate factory in Switzerland and the site where the Little Dutch Boy stuck his finger in the dyke.
“We want the City of New Orleans–no, the world–to see C. Ray Nagin for what he truly is: global citizen, humanitarian, and smooth-talking cultured man,” said a high-ranking Nagin administration official.
“It worked for Obama, didn’t it? What’s the big difference between him and us?”
RIVERFRONT — One week after a massive oil slick at the foot of Canal Street crippled commerce up and down the Mississippi River, investigators with the U.S. Coast Guard and the National Transportation Safety Board still don’t know exactly what happened.
Now an anonymous Coast Guard source tells The Creole-Tomato that investigators are moving away from the so-called “Collision and Sunken Barge” Theory and taking a closer look at an unreported explosion at Central Grocery in the 900 block of Decatur Street.
According to the source close to the investigation, an enormous explosion took place in the secret muffaletta kitchen of the legendary Crescent City purveyor of Italian delights early Wednesday.
Coast Guard investigators first got suspicious when several ships with Greek registries were seen soaking up parts of the oil spill with what appeared to be paper towels.
When officials boarded the Greek vessels, they discovered that they were actually pieces of pita bread.
The spill of 400,000 gallons of diesel fuelinto the waters of the Mississippi River has cost the local economy upwards of $1 billion and caused untold ecological damage. What do you think?
“That was water in there before? I always assumed it was trash from Missouri mixed with liquid cancer.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“I guess it’s better than a Daiquiri Spill. Now that would be tragic.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“Gas is at $4.20 a gallon. Where my siphon at?”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“Maybe this means the River Pilots Association will finally consider my application for employment.”
–Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
“This just ain’t our decade, I guess.”
–Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
CBD — Despite months of anticipation, there will be no FagetDome playing host to Saints games or Sugar Bowls.
Today, the Superdome Commission announced that it has rejected a multi-million dollar bid from local jewelry maker Mignon Faget for naming rights to the 30-year old sports stadium.
The proposed bid, rumored to be “well above market value,” according to a party with knowledge of the offer, was rejected by commission officials due to concerns about “fit and image.”
In a written statement, newly appointed commission chairman Gaston Laborde said:
“While the offer certainly represented a more than generous offer on the part of the company, is is our view that the two organizations’ are not a good match at this time.” Full Story » »
MIAMI, Florida — Amidst a violent, clockwise swirling maelstrom of controversy, the National Weather Service and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have agreed to remove a controversial name from this year’s list of storms.
Regardless of of how many storms form in the Atlantic and the Gulf this year, there will be no Hurricane Motherfu**er.
“There just wasn’t a good reception for this particular name on this year’s list,” said NOAA spokesman Gunther Goodwood. “To say we were surprised is an understatement.”
But fifth grade teacher Gloria Ard said the NOAA should have been able to predict this storm.
“We get those tracking maps every year and follow storms with students. How are we supposed to talk to students about a hurricane named Motherfu**er? How does that possibly go in the Wednesday Weekly newsletter?”
RIVERFRONT — Citing the struggles presented by a high gas prices and a slow economic recovery, a growing group of New Orleanians has contacted the Aquarium of the Americas to decades-old refunds on engraved brick donations.
Angelina Bomenicki received a donated brick as a Christmas gift while still in junior high. It reads: “Merry Christmas, Angina.”
Now a parent with a daughter in junior high to support and facing a subprime mortgage, she feels the refund is her best way to make ends meet.
“The government is just taking too long with my stimulus check, and I’ve got bills to pay,” Bomenicki said.
“It was a really lame gift. I wanted a Hypercolor shirt that year. This is my chance to get back on my feet and right a wrong from a long time ago.”
The Creole-Tomato Health column on May 27 about the nationwide Salmonella-Tomato scare misstated some aspects of the case of the online parody new site The Creole-Tomato.
The Creole-Tomato, New Orleans’ Localest News Source, is not infected with Salmonella.
It is safe to read, write comments, and forward to ya Ma and ‘em.
The editors, with the full support of the United States Centers for Disease Control and the State of Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals, wish to assure our readers that The Creole-Tomato is safe for everyday consumption by adults, children, and animals.
The Creole-Tomato welcomes comments and suggestions, or complaints about errors that warrant correction. You can post your comments below any story on the site or you can email us at thecreoletomato@gmail.com
METAIRIE PRACTICE FACILITY — In what has become a familiar off-season rite of passage, today Tom Benson threatened to move the entire city of New Orleans to San Antonio if he does not receive special subsidies from the State and Parish government.
“The population is down, costs are up; investment is down, foreclosures are up,” argued Benson.
“You have to question the long-term economic viability of keeping the City of New Orleans here in this location.”
“That said, I am 100% committed to keeping New Orleans in New Orleans forever,” he added. “I just need help from our partners in Baton Rouge to make it work.”
Benson called on the Governor to appoint a special commission to negotiate a package of tax breaks, parking fee increases, infrastructure improvements, and direct payments to him.
CBD — His given name is Fred Radtke, president of the Louisiana not-for-profit organization Operation: Clean Sweep.
But he’s called The Gray Ghost.
This elusive anti-graffiti vigilante uses his signature gray paint to cover up blights on our fair city’s landscape.
And while some people consider him a great citizen fighting to help keep New Orleans beautiful others consider him a vandal that is only adding to the problem.
Now The Gray Ghost is painting with an entirely different brush—in a court of law.
His target? Michael “Rex” Dingler, artist and founder of NolaRising, a public art campaign of whimsical, bright sign art installations around the city.
7TH WARD—Prosecutors are moving forward with a full scale investigation and potential indictments of at least seventeen suspected drug abusers in the rank and file of the NOPD Meter Maid Corps.
Suspicions of steroid and HGH abuse began when several outspoken citizens noted the increased bulk of and overall poor attitude of a large proportion of CBD Meter Maids.
Special Investigator Donny Tenaglia of the NOPD Internal Affairs Division has been eyeing the parking ticket scribes for six months or more.
The good folks who write the City of New Orleans Parking Citations have consistently been an agreeable, affable group in the past. They, as a whole, were a real cheerful group of gals.”
“But lately, we’ve documented a significant negative shift in disposition that can only be attributed to ‘roid-rage.’”
FRENCH QUARTER — After being awarded a $1.35 million Jefferson Parish School Garbage contract, SDT Waste and Debris Services President Sidney Torres IV realized something about this place we call home.
There can be only one.
Torres IV—real estate developer, Louisiana native, owner of SDT and its signatute fleet of sleek, black garbage trucks—is rich, famous, and quirky.
Many believe the solid waste impresario is the perfect fit to fill the void left in the collective Orleanian heart by the recent passing of fried chicken giant Alvin C. Copeland.
Longtime associate of rock musician Leonard Kravitz, Torres IV has captivated the local populace with publicity stunts, active media coverage, and effortless entrepreneurial whiz.
Torres IV, a man of the people, does not shy from getting his hands dirty or, for that matter, any available camera.
Five members of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity of Tulane University are accused of participating in a violent hazing incident that left two pledges with severe burns. What do you think?
“Fraternities make you drink a lot and do stupid shit. Sounds a little bit redundant for New Orleans, right?” -C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“I didn’t know Jewish kids from New Jersey and Connecticut like to haze each other.” -Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“The drink specials at TJ Quills and Bruno’s must not have been good that night.” -Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
“When Dean Wermer finds out about this, these boys are going to be in hot water.” -Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“As long as they use a safe word, whatever consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedroom is all right with me.” -Lance Fratinelli, Freelance Jewelry Designer, Fabourg-Marigny
LOWER 9TH WARD — The Mardi Gras Indians today announced plans to construct a casino on their sovereign tribal lands in the Lower 9th Ward.
Today’s official notification to the Federal Bureau of Indian Affairs was a long-expected formality, the culmination of three years of behind-the-scenes work to unite the tribes after the death of Allison “Tootie” Montana in 2005 and the devastation of Hurricane Katrina.
“The tragedies and challenges of life on the reservation are well-documented,” said Chief Theodore “Bo” Dollis of the Wild Magnolias tribe.
“Poor access to education, high rates of alcoholism, limited economic opportunities–our tribes deserve better. And tribal gaming can help us do it.”
TREME — In its 1st Quarter earnings conference call presentation to Wall Street analysts today, Rebirth Brass Band Chairman and C.E.O. Philip Frazier announced a sweeping restructuring that will cut at least 1,500 jobs.
Rebirth Brass Band (NYSE: RBB) is the metropolitan area’s fourth largest employer, behind Tulane, Ochsner, and Avondale.
“In the end, it all came down to simple math,” said Frazier.”
While we sell out The Maple Leaf every Tuesday, our strategies to diversify the Rebirth brand beyond our core business into downloadable ringtones, aluminum manufacturing, and plastics have not succeeded as quickly as we’d hoped.”
“Plus, with the price of oil being what it is, the nation’s continuing subprime mortgage woes, and the overall strength of The Mighty Euro, competing for the New Orleans entertainment dollar presents an increasing challenge.”
MAGAZINE STREET — In response to the CDC Health Advisory issued April 3 on recent irony outbreaks in the United States, The Creole-Tomato has developed a special page on its Web site here for local citizens to learn more about the condition.
Irony–or, as it as known to those already infected, “Irony”–is a highly contagious disease that is transmitted by respiratory droplets, neighborhood choice, and fashionable T-shirts.
Although “Irony” was never an endemic disease in Europe, it remains epidemic in many american cities including but not limited to the Silverlake neighborhood in Los Angeles, the University of Texas campus in Austin, and the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle.
CDC Scientists believe that the Williamsburg, Brooklyn “hipster” may be the original source or “Patient Zero” of this outbreak. Other outbreaks in several parts of the country have been linked to importation from the Brooklyn neighborhood.
Shockingly, the same faction of CDC scientists has stated large outbreaks currently are occurring in New Orleans, Louisiana.
Landrieu, Babelle, Ensler, and the Honorable Vagina Friendly
CBD - While the famous New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival Posters become collectors’ items each year, typically selling out even before the close of the second weekend, the New Orleans V-Day poster fell flat according to V-Day Director of Marketing Sally Koenig.
“Jazz Fest posters honor great and influential people in the world of jazz and heritage. This year it’s Irma Thomas and Kermit Ruffins.
We here at V-Day were grateful for the Honorable C. Ray Nagin’s comments in preparation for our celebration and awareness campaign that we decided to do the same thing.”
BAYOU BARRIERE - President Bush’s recent visit to the Crescent City led to an international emergency when his Chalmette Ferry, the Minnow, was lost on a survey of the area’s restoration efforts.
Bush, who was in town for the two-day North American Leaders Summit to discuss trade agreements with Mexico and Canada, had joined a crew for a 3-hour tour of post-Katrina Chalmette.
Reports stated that the weather started getting rough, and the tiny ship was tossed. And it was thought that because of Bush’s ineptitude, the Minnow would be lost.
The Minnow would be lost.
Hours later the Ferry was discovered at an uncharted Chalmette pile…
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
Ochsner Hospital(ity)
THE DISTRICT — In yet another sign of the Ochsner Hospital Foundation’s continued monopolization of the Crescent City holistic health care market, hospital officials today broke ground on the Ochsner Full Body Massage Clinic.
“We believe that Alton Ochsner would be proud of our new massage parlor, I mean clinic, conveniently located just off Basin Street, in what was once Storyville, just two blocks from the Quarter” stated Allen Williamson, Administrative Director for Ochsner.
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
CITY HALL –New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin met with local and national sponsors at a formal ceremony at Gallier Hall to unveil a new New New Orleans festival to be called “Festival Fest.”
Festival Fest—which is strategically scheduled to fall between French Quarter Fest and Jazz Fest—will be sponsored by Freeport Mc-Moran, Russell’s Marina Grill, and Campo the Appliance Giant.
“We’re going to have tents representing all the other major festivals in the city,” said Festival Fest promoter Dint Quavis.”There will be The JazzFest Tent, The French Quarter Fest Tent, The Essence Fest Tent, and the Cox Cable/Southern Comfort VooDoo Fest Tent.”
“It’s a festival of fests, really.”
“We’re even in talks to have an all-night Southern Decadence Fest Tent featuring Special Guest Star DJ Victor Calderone,” Quavis added.
Not to be left out, JeffFest organizers will plan the sales of all water filtration devices, “How Ya Gonna Clap” Beer Coozies, and politically-motivated buttons outside the Festival Fest gates.
According to Louisiana Recovery Authority (LRA) economists, Festival Fest is expected to have an impact on the local economy in the millions and take away thousands of free parking spaces from local residents.
Tickets to Festival Fest will be $80 in advance, $90 at the door.
A Mass will be said Monday at 2 p.m. for Al Copeland, the restaurant magnate who died Sunday of complications from cancer treatment in Munich, Germany. He was 64.
The Mass will be at Holy Name of Jesus Catholic Church on St. Charles Ave. Visitation will start at 11 a.m.
Funeral Services by Lake Lawn Metairie Funeral Home.
Floral arrangements by Fiora de Zuca.
Catering by Sweet Fire and Ice.
Limos by A-Confidential.
Fireworks by Redneck Johnny’s of West Bank Expressway.
Helicopter Rose Petal Drop by Bisso Transport.
Snow Machines by Andre’s Party Mart.
Castles by Blaine Kern.
Laser Light Show sponsored by Harrah’s.
Swans on loan from the Audubon Society.
Animatronics by Disney.
Speedboats by Coastline Dash, Inc.
Spinning Upside Christmas Trees by Santa’s Workshop.
Pyrotechnics by Beaver Productions.
Buttermilk Biscuits by Popeyes.
GENTILLY — After a flaccid first quarter performance, Wagner’s Meat (NSDQ: WGMT) has failed to meet quarterly earnings expectations for the first time in its history.
The New Orleans-based meat and provisions purveyor reported earnings of 35 cents per Class A Share on revenue of $2.45 million. That’s well below earnings of last year’s first quarter earnings of $1.17 per share on $5.6 million in revenue.
“Clearly, we can be beaten,” said C.E.O. Richard “Dick” Wagner. “It’s been hard; we’ve been spanked.”
The Late Mr. and Mrs. Clarence Edwards of Avoyelles Parish announce the marriage of their son Gov. Edwin Washington Edwards, J.D. to Rep. David Ernest Duke, Ph.D. on Friday, March 15, 2008 at the Oakdale Facility Non-Demoninational Chapel in Oakdale, Louisiana.
The Groom, a former four-term Governor of the State of Louisiana, was graduated from Louisiana State University and the Louisiana State University School of Law, where he was a member of Gamma Alpha Psi, the law honor society, and served as treasurer of Kappa Epsilon fraternity. He is currently inmate #03128-095 at the Federal Correctional Institution in Oakdale, Louisiana.
The Groom, a former Grand Wizard of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and two-term member of the Louisiana State House of Representatives from the 81st District, was graduated from Louisiana State University and the Federal Correctional Facility at Big Springs, Texas, where he and the other Groom first met. He is currently the President of EURO, the European American Unity and Rights Organization, an organization for European American patriots.
After a honeymoon in Angola, the couple will reside in Cell Block D, Tier 4.
After numerous Freedom of Information Act requests and even a sit-down with Hizzoner himself, The Times-Picayune and WWL-TV have been unable to get to the bottom of the most pressing political question of 2008: what, exactly, is Mayor C. Ray Nagin doing during “downtime?”
While our rival media outlets may wilt in the heat of the corridors of power, The Creole-Tomato Investigative Reporting Bureau never quits. When the public asks a question, we demand an answer.
“Nothing much, really. Just the backbreaking work of repairing my home, healing my community, and rebuilding the city that I love brick by brick every day.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
The vital New Orleans Ghost Tour industry has been rocked by numerous sightings of one of its most famous former practitioners: slain 15-year veteran Ghost Tour guide Bartholemew Samson.
South Georgia Cosmetic Surgeon Association Convention attendee Doctor Ed Clarence Boney alleges visual evidence.
“From where I was standing I could make out his top hat, cane, rose-colored spectacles and double chin.”
“I was haunted, to say the least,” Dr. Boney added.
Quarter rat Danny Simeon corroborates the story.
“It seemed he was leading a tour of like specters, all from out of town. Ghosts from such places as Cheyenne, Cleveland, Sacramento. I could clearly see them shades ain’t from here.
“I got a bag full of weed, a Whitman’s Sampler, and I’m off the pill. We’re going to the Fly.”
–Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
“I’m going to Gordon’s of Gretna to get some plastic flowers. They last all year.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“My man loves it when I melt Velveeta over a Hubig’s in the microwave.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“I’m taking one of my baby mamas on a romantic date night away at the Texas Motel.”
–Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
“Kenny’s Key West, a couple of buttery nipples, and sex in the back of a limo by A Confidential.”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“There’s really no difference between Mardi Gras Beads and Anal Beads. Besides, they keep getting bigger every year.”
–Lance Fratinelli, Freelance Jewelry Designer, Fabourg-Marigny
With the Marching 100 in such high demand every Carnival Season, the extracurricular coordinators at St. Aug have been in closed door discussions with prominent genetic scientists fro
As of press time, meterologists are predicting that Hurricane Gustav could set its sights on the still-shellshocked City of New Orleans. What do you think?
The spill of 400,000 gallons of diesel fuel into the waters of the Mississippi River has cost the local economy upwards of $1 billion and caused untold ecological damage. What do you think?
“Fraternities make you drink a lot and do stupid shit. Sounds a little bit redundant for New Orleans, right?” -C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
