December 19, 2008
"Jindal" by AndresenJan 28: New Orleans watches US President George W. Bush’s final State of the Union address. Tuners-in express how they will miss his adorable way of running the country.
Feb 03: Native son Eli Manning forgoes Mardi Gras for a previously schedule appointment in Arizona. The Creole-Tomato learns Mr. Manning has been spending all his time with a bunch of damn yankees, which calls into question his appreciation of his beleaguered home town. We’re just sayin’….
March 15: Protesting Guatemalan farmers release four Belgian tourists they had taken hostage on Thursday
April 26: Long lines form at the New Orleans’ Jazz and Heritage Festival’s Couchon De Lait booth
May Sometime: The Honorable C. Ray Nagin forgot to call his mother.
June 27: Hot. Damn hot. Humid too.
July 12: Tony Campo’s Christmas in July sale in full swing.
August 17: LSU student Michael Phelps captures Olympic Gold, goes on to perform on Broadway in New York.
Sept 2: Nagin and Jindal lauded for getting everyone out. Garland lambasts Nagin and Jindal for not letting us back in. Now no one will leave again. This is getting weird.
Oct 22: In response to economic down turn, Manny Randazzo returns to baking King Cakes during carnival season only.
Nov 4: My brother’s birthday coincides with my new nephew’s.
Nov 27: After 33 years, area man discovers he has no taste for turkey gumbo.
Dec 10: Al Copeland executor’s fears are realized when he must direct the installation of Christmas lights on Metairie tomb.
December 10, 2008
Photo courtesy of and with apologies to Banksy.NOPD HEADQUARTERS — Elusive local anti-graffito vigilanto Fred Radtke has a message for anyone thinking about putting up Christmas lights this year: Watch your back.
Radtke, who prefers to be referred to by his nom de guerre “The Gray Ghost,” is known for using his signature gray paint to cover up what he considers to be blights on our fair city’s landscape.
Now, just in time for the holidays, with the Christmas-decorating season underway, he’s issued a new videotape warning to the Citizens of New Orleans.
“Infidels of New Orleans,” says Radtke in the tape, exclusively obtained by The Creole-Tomato, “your decorations of shimmering lights, inflatable reindeer, and yes, even, menorahs an affront to the purity of this holy city.”
Full Story » »
December 10, 2008
Neither holly nor jolly.OLD METRY –- Metairie residents were greeted today by a new resident, Lumpy the Snowman.
Lumpy, a 1-foot high stack of snowman sporting the seasonal accessories of a single Winn-Dixie carrot and 2 twigs, quickly became an object of local fascination.
But after an intial response of joy and excitement, Lumpy has lately been frightening neighborhood children with existential musings about his contorted body, lack of eyes, the futility of life, and the ephemeral nature of Christmas cheer.
“I mean seriously, how long can this go on? A day? Maybe, a day and and a half?” asked Lumpy, as 9-year-old Tammy Kennedy wept softly nearby.
“I know that life is short, but I wish Lumpy would just shut up and enjoy the time that he actually has instead of complaining about how short it is,” the young girl sobbed.
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December 10, 2008
I'm Listening.
What’s happening?! I recently moved to “Nawlins” from out of town. Still learning my way around this “Big Easy.” So far so good. The food is awesome, the people friendly and lots of great music. My question is: what is the deal with the love and loyalty for the Saints?! It seems like they have a terrible track record yet the locals love them. I don’t get it. What up?!
Rock on,
Newbie in New Orleans
Dear Newbie,
First of all, my name is not “Special Guy.” Its the “The Special Man.” Special Guy lives in Houma. (And let me tell you, he ain’t that special.)
Anyways, I’ll let this indiscretion slide due to your newfoundedness to our beautiful city of New Orleans. Now to your query: “What is the deal with the love and loyalty of the Saints?”
If you have to ask, you may never know. But I’ll do my best to explain for the Layman. The answer is as complex as a steaming bowl of Gumbo. Many ingredients shape the taste.
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December 9, 2008
Bla-goj, son!WASHINGTON, D.C. — Louisiana is losing its typically steady footing in political corruption, according to a report released today by good government watchdog group National Corruption Reporter.
For as long as the NCR has been publishing its findings, Louisiana has held a particularly high rank in those states classified as having “extremely satisfied” levels of governmental corruption.
The 2008 survey marks Louisiana’s lowest level of corruption satisfaction since 1944.
The report, first released during the gubernatorial stewardship of Huey P. Long, examines all branches of lawmaking on a statewide level and then compares finding to other states.
During the Edwards years, the Pelican State had a very clear lead, trouncing New York State and its 1980s tax-evading Wall Street scandals.
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December 9, 2008
A Rend'eringI-10 CORRIDOR — At a downtown gala today, LSU Medical Center spokesperson Charles Weze, unveiled the institution’s two-part plan tthe devastated New Orleans’s health care system.
First, evict residents from their homes in a historic downtown area of the city.
Second, wait for a handout from the federal government.
“It’s quite simple,” said Weze. “There is an extensive area of neighborhoods near the LSU health care region and the old VA. We would simply like to ask all the people of these neighborhoods to go to hell.”
“We’ve heard all the excuses,” continued Weze. “‘I just spent the last 3 years renovating my house since the storm,’ and my own personal favorite: ‘Can’t you rebuild in the same areas as the prior hospitals.’”
“On behalf of LSU Health Sciences, I would like to state that we have officially put our hands to ours ears and started sing-songing: ‘We cant hear you, we cant hear you.’”
Full Story » »
December 9, 2008
Your Caption HereWelcome to
The Creole-Tomato Famous Historical Caption Contest! Here’s how to play:
1. Examine the unphotoshopped photo pirated off the web.
2. Write in your caption in the “Leave a Comment” space on the page below. If you don’t see the space below, just click the “leave comment” link in the lower right-hand corner of the story.
3. If you’d like your name included, put it in the form there. If not, don’t.
4. The best caption(s) chosen by our illustrious staff go up on The Creole-Tomato forever!
December 1, 2008
Class ActMANHATTAN, New York — On any given Sunday in the fall, take a slow walk down Third Avenue in New York City and as you approach the historic East Village neighborhood and you will come the the doorstep of one of the city’s most venerable drinking establishments. Between 13th and 12th Streets The Bar None occupies the ground floor of a five story apartment building, flanked by a sandwich shop and a cabinet maker.
But Bar None hosts on gameday hosts neither Gang Green (NYJ) nor Big Blue(NYG) fans. The Meadowlands flockers flock elsewhere on their aways.
Bar None attracts a certain, discerning type of NFL fan. That fan bleeds black and gold.
It seems that New Orleans ex-pats attend Bar None after mass for the ambiance and expertly crafted cocktails. Because Bar None plays the Saints game, participants have been heard to express that getting to see the game is lagniappe.
“What a spirited football match, I do hope our boys in black champion this particular rivalry,” said Saints Fan/Bud Man Harold Picoult, who hails from Lower Vacherie but has lived in Park Slope, Brooklyn for the last eight years.
The Bar None experience is genteel and harkens back to a bygone era of sports-going sophistication.
This pocket of demure boosterism has not gone unnoticed in the City that Never Sleeps.
Full Story » »
October 31, 2008
LA's FinestKENTWOOD, Louisiana –- The most important musician in the history of Louisiana is topping the charts for the first time in a decade,
Billboard reports.
Kentwood, Louisiana, native Britney Spears’ new song, “Womanizer,” shot from 96 to 1 in one week, a record-breaking climb up the Hot 100 chart.
The singer hasn’t been this high on the chart since her debut single, “…Baby, One More Time,” ranked No. 1 in 1999.
The rumor mill is buzzing. The paparazzi is polishing its collective lens.
There are a few nagging question that Camp Brit in Kentwood has yet to address.
Is there a Sex Tape? What about Spears’ children? What does this mean for sister Jamie Lynn? Will Britney return to Kentwood? Stay in Hollywood? Is there a Sex Tape? When will the tour kick off? Is there a Sex Tape? Where can one get a free copy of the Sex Tape? On the internet? Really? Where on the internet? Can you see very much? Does she make out with a girl in it? A striptease, eh? If we go to that site, do you think we could get any computer viruses? …Ha ha…You’re right, we’re going to go there anyway.
