Self-Proclaimed “Best Rapper Alive” Admits
He’s Just “Pretty Good”

June 20th, 2008 | Entertainment, News

HOLLYGROVE — In a stunning press conference today, Hollygrove MC and ex-Hot Boy Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. (a.k.a. Lil Wayne, a.k.a. the Pussy Monster, a.k.a. Weezy F. Baby) admitted that he is not “the best rapper alive.”

Mr. Carter, visibly upset and flanked by lawyers, read from a prepared statement. He did not take questions.

“It’s about time my fans know the truth,” Carter said. “I am not, in fact, the best rapper alive. I am just pretty good.”

“I only hope that my fans can forgive me for misleading them and I look forward to regaining their trust.”

It was a stunning fall from grace that shocked the music industry, the sad finale to a hip-hop drama played out in the national media, the airwaves of WQUE, and defiant videos on YouTube.

Mr. Carter, no relation to rap mogul Shawn Carter (a.k.a. Jay-Z) or the late Country and Western star June Carter Cash, has been buffeted by allegations of exaggeration since a front-page story in The Washington Post revealed that the Federal Trade Commission, The Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame, and The VH-1 Hip-Hop Honors were formally investigating his superlative claims

Over the past few years, Carter became the Rex of New Orleans music by building an empire of power, fame, sex, and money on his reputation as “the best rapper alive.”

Today that empire appears to be on shaky ground.

In a dramatic moment, Cash Money Press Secretary and one of the Founding Ballers of the infamous label Darien “Hot Sweaty Millionaire Baby” Jones ended the press conference before Mr. Carter could take any questions.

“No comment, no comment,” Jones repeated over and over again as he waved for Carter’s security team to escort them to a waiting 2009 Cadillac Escalade.

They had backed that thang right up to the door of the conference hall so that Carter could escape the paparazzi.

As they sped off into the night, they left behind a New Orleans rap scene in chaos.

“This is a sad day for America and sad day for New Orleans,” according to Creole-Tomato Senior Rap Analyst Devon “Big Creaky” Watley.

“The hard truth is that the block is no longer hot.”

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