December 9, 2008
A Rend'eringI-10 CORRIDOR — At a downtown gala today, LSU Medical Center spokesperson Charles Weze, unveiled the institution’s two-part plan tthe devastated New Orleans’s health care system.
First, evict residents from their homes in a historic downtown area of the city.
Second, wait for a handout from the federal government.
“It’s quite simple,” said Weze. “There is an extensive area of neighborhoods near the LSU health care region and the old VA. We would simply like to ask all the people of these neighborhoods to go to hell.”
“We’ve heard all the excuses,” continued Weze. “‘I just spent the last 3 years renovating my house since the storm,’ and my own personal favorite: ‘Can’t you rebuild in the same areas as the prior hospitals.’”
“On behalf of LSU Health Sciences, I would like to state that we have officially put our hands to ours ears and started sing-songing: ‘We cant hear you, we cant hear you.’”
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November 24, 2008
Parade Throws: A Novel Idea.MANHATTAN, New York — Under the towering leadership of billionaire mayor Michael Bloomberg, New York City has seen economic issues ebb and flow during the last seven years. Bloomberg, a businessman by trade has invigorated the post-9/11 metropolis by strong development initiatives and small business support.
Given the recent collapse of Wall Street, New Yorkers, and Americans for that matter, are looking to the inscrutable Mayor Mike for ideas.
“We’ve met success in a wavering financial climate when we reached out across our city limits for mutually beneficial programming,” said Mayor Mike while presenting an 88-page Power Point deck.
“The best example is the Charlotte-New York compact on real estate development capital prospecti. Or the Puerto Rico-5 Borough teacher exchange and salary boost. And we’re finally underway on the tax exemptions in Pennsylvania as well.”
But the big news is a scheme dreamed up by the New York City Tourism Board to launch the First Annual Krewe of Macy’s Mardi Gras-Style Thanksgiving Day Parade.
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November 24, 2008
ScoopedLAFAYETTE SQUARE — After 18 months of bidding wars and lawsuits,
The Creole-Tomato is proud to announce that on Wednesday our executive board closed the $15 million purchase of
The New Orleans Levee and two other weekly newspapers in St. Paul, Minnesota.
The sale has allowed The Creole-Tomato access to The Levee’s publication plants and circulation of 18,700.
The new company will be called Creole-Levee Holdings, LLC.
“Fortunately with pre-existing structure of the New Orleans Levee, the reading public should see no significant change,” said Stroelitz M. Allen, Chairman and CEO of The Creole-Tomato.
“It’s as if the takeover was made up. Fictitous, in a way. And to be fair, the New Orleans Levee had a good run.”
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October 31, 2008
On Shaky, Accursed GroundJEFFERSON – As Halloween approaches the Big un-Easy, residents are expressing concern about the potential collapse of one of New Orleans’ revered institutions.
With stock market prices all over the map and the US economic crisis sending mortgage-backed security backwash throughout Europe and Asia, the Treasury Department today announced an emergency plan to bail out the House of Shock.
Original founded by homegrown thrash metal band Pantera in the mid-1980s, House of Shock flourished as an upstart and eventually showed itself as an able competitor of the mainstay Sheriff Foti’s Haunted House.
Though controversial, the bailout package was immediately endorsed by both presidential candidates Senators Obama and McCain.
But will the bailout work? According to House of Shock CFO Marjorie Killgore, positive effects are not likely to be felt immediately and layoffs are certain.
“It’s just that this work is seasonal, you know,” said an out of work disembodied hand. “But I’m optimistic, I’ll find something.”
This is America after all,” he added.
Legislators stressed strict controls and oversight would be put into effect immediately.
“The last thing we need is some emaciated, re-animated corpse doling out high dollar bonus packages to his bonesaw toting minions,” said Louisiana Congressman Bill Jefferson.
September 5, 2008
Ike-O Ike-O MIAMI, Florida — Hurricane Ike was downgraded to a Category Three storm today, which means more nervous days of watching and worrying for the American media-industrial complex.
The smaller the force of the storm, the lower the potential ratings for the 24-hour news channels desperate to fill up their airwaves with anything that even closely resembles real news.
“National Hurricane Center calls them Saffir-Simpson scale numbers, but they might as well be Neilsen ratings points,” said CNN Managing Editor Brian Stelter.
“A Category 3 storm will give us a 3 houseold, 5 share easy,” he added.
“The best thing that could happen would be a Cat 5, giving us a 5 Neilsen Household, 8 or 9 share.”
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September 3, 2008
Some Cheese Lovers Outside the Popular SpotGREEN BAY, Wisconsin –- The New Orleans convention and hospitality industry suffered its first official Gustav-related casualty today.
The North American Chapter of the International Cheesemakers Guild (ICG) announced that they would be cancelling their Fall International Cheese Festival–originally scheduled to take place at Razzoo’s Bar & Patio on Bourbon Street.
ICG spokesperson Larry Bonderant announced that although the group tried everything it could to keep the cheesefest “where it belonged,” the damage caused by Gustav had made it necessary to move.
“We wanted the world to see that Razzoo’s has collected some of the finest examples of cheese on a nightly basis. But unfortunately, we’ll have to do it another time.”
Bonderant said that no final alternate location has been chosen, but the finalists are all located in Dallas, Houston, and Atlanta.
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July 29, 2008
The culprit?RIVERFRONT — One week after a massive oil slick at the foot of Canal Street crippled commerce up and down the Mississippi River, investigators with the U.S. Coast Guard and the National Transportation Safety Board still don’t know exactly what happened.
Now an anonymous Coast Guard source tells The Creole-Tomato that investigators are moving away from the so-called “Collision and Sunken Barge” Theory and taking a closer look at an unreported explosion at Central Grocery in the 900 block of Decatur Street.
According to the source close to the investigation, an enormous explosion took place in the secret muffaletta kitchen of the legendary Crescent City purveyor of Italian delights early Wednesday.
Coast Guard investigators first got suspicious when several ships with Greek registries were seen soaking up parts of the oil spill with what appeared to be paper towels.
When officials boarded the Greek vessels, they discovered that they were actually pieces of pita bread.
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July 16, 2008
A real MFCBD — Despite months of anticipation, there will be no FagetDome playing host to Saints games or Sugar Bowls.
Today, the Superdome Commission announced that it has rejected a multi-million dollar bid from local jewelry maker Mignon Faget for naming rights to the 30-year old sports stadium.
The proposed bid, rumored to be “well above market value,” according to a party with knowledge of the offer, was rejected by commission officials due to concerns about “fit and image.”
In a written statement, newly appointed commission chairman Gaston Laborde said:
“While the offer certainly represented a more than generous offer on the part of the company, is is our view that the two organizations’ are not a good match at this time.” Full Story » »
June 20, 2008
We're ALL outta here!METAIRIE PRACTICE FACILITY — In what has become a familiar off-season rite of passage, today Tom Benson threatened to move the entire city of New Orleans to San Antonio if he does not receive special subsidies from the State and Parish government.
“The population is down, costs are up; investment is down, foreclosures are up,” argued Benson.
“You have to question the long-term economic viability of keeping the City of New Orleans here in this location.”
“That said, I am 100% committed to keeping New Orleans in New Orleans forever,” he added. “I just need help from our partners in Baton Rouge to make it work.”
Benson called on the Governor to appoint a special commission to negotiate a package of tax breaks, parking fee increases, infrastructure improvements, and direct payments to him.
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May 16, 2008
Let Love Rule.FRENCH QUARTER — After being awarded a $1.35 million Jefferson Parish School Garbage contract, SDT Waste and Debris Services President Sidney Torres IV realized something about this place we call home.
There can be only one.
Torres IV—real estate developer, Louisiana native, owner of SDT and its signatute fleet of sleek, black garbage trucks—is rich, famous, and quirky.
Many believe the solid waste impresario is the perfect fit to fill the void left in the collective Orleanian heart by the recent passing of fried chicken giant Alvin C. Copeland.
Longtime associate of rock musician Leonard Kravitz, Torres IV has captivated the local populace with publicity stunts, active media coverage, and effortless entrepreneurial whiz.
Torres IV, a man of the people, does not shy from getting his hands dirty or, for that matter, any available camera.
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April 25, 2008
Rebirth Chairman and C.E.O. Philip FrazierTREME — In its 1st Quarter earnings conference call presentation to Wall Street analysts today, Rebirth Brass Band Chairman and C.E.O. Philip Frazier announced a sweeping restructuring that will cut at least 1,500 jobs.
Rebirth Brass Band (NYSE: RBB) is the metropolitan area’s fourth largest employer, behind Tulane, Ochsner, and Avondale.
“In the end, it all came down to simple math,” said Frazier.”
While we sell out The Maple Leaf every Tuesday, our strategies to diversify the Rebirth brand beyond our core business into downloadable ringtones, aluminum manufacturing, and plastics have not succeeded as quickly as we’d hoped.”
“Plus, with the price of oil being what it is, the nation’s continuing subprime mortgage woes, and the overall strength of The Mighty Euro, competing for the New Orleans entertainment dollar presents an increasing challenge.”
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April 24, 2008
Worth Wearing in QuotesMAGAZINE STREET
— In response to the CDC Health Advisory issued April 3 on recent irony outbreaks in the United States, The Creole-Tomato has developed a special page on its Web site here for local citizens to learn more about the condition.
Irony–or, as it as known to those already infected, “Irony”–is a highly contagious disease that is transmitted by respiratory droplets, neighborhood choice, and fashionable T-shirts.
Although “Irony” was never an endemic disease in Europe, it remains epidemic in many american cities including but not limited to the Silverlake neighborhood in Los Angeles, the University of Texas campus in Austin, and the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle.
CDC Scientists believe that the Williamsburg, Brooklyn “hipster” may be the original source or “Patient Zero” of this outbreak. Other outbreaks in several parts of the country have been linked to importation from the Brooklyn neighborhood.
Shockingly, the same faction of CDC scientists has stated large outbreaks currently are occurring in New Orleans, Louisiana.
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April 24, 2008
Landrieu, Babelle, Ensler, and the Honorable Vagina Friendly“Jazz Fest posters honor great and influential people in the world of jazz and heritage. This year it’s Irma Thomas and Kermit Ruffins.
We here at V-Day were grateful for the Honorable C. Ray Nagin’s comments in preparation for our celebration and awareness campaign that we decided to do the same thing.”
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April 11, 2008
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
Ochsner Hospital(ity)THE DISTRICT — In yet another sign of the Ochsner Hospital Foundation’s continued monopolization of the Crescent City holistic health care market, hospital officials today broke ground on the Ochsner Full Body Massage Clinic.
“We believe that Alton Ochsner would be proud of our new massage parlor, I mean clinic, conveniently located just off Basin Street, in what was once Storyville, just two blocks from the Quarter” stated Allen Williamson, Administrative Director for Ochsner.
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April 11, 2008
As Seen at The Fest Fest Jazz Fest TentEditors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
CITY HALL –New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin met with local and national sponsors at a formal ceremony at Gallier Hall to unveil a new New New Orleans festival to be called “Festival Fest.”
Festival Fest—which is strategically scheduled to fall between French Quarter Fest and Jazz Fest—will be sponsored by Freeport Mc-Moran, Russell’s Marina Grill, and Campo the Appliance Giant.
“We’re going to have tents representing all the other major festivals in the city,” said Festival Fest promoter Dint Quavis.”There will be The JazzFest Tent, The French Quarter Fest Tent, The Essence Fest Tent, and the Cox Cable/Southern Comfort VooDoo Fest Tent.”
“It’s a festival of fests, really.”
“We’re even in talks to have an all-night Southern Decadence Fest Tent featuring Special Guest Star DJ Victor Calderone,” Quavis added.
Not to be left out, JeffFest organizers will plan the sales of all water filtration devices, “How Ya Gonna Clap” Beer Coozies, and politically-motivated buttons outside the Festival Fest gates.
According to Louisiana Recovery Authority (LRA) economists, Festival Fest is expected to have an impact on the local economy in the millions and take away thousands of free parking spaces from local residents.
Tickets to Festival Fest will be $80 in advance, $90 at the door.
March 14, 2008
…or can you?GENTILLY — After a flaccid first quarter performance, Wagner’s Meat (NSDQ: WGMT) has failed to meet quarterly earnings expectations for the first time in its history.
The New Orleans-based meat and provisions purveyor reported earnings of 35 cents per Class A Share on revenue of $2.45 million. That’s well below earnings of last year’s first quarter earnings of $1.17 per share on $5.6 million in revenue.
“Clearly, we can be beaten,” said C.E.O. Richard “Dick” Wagner. “It’s been hard; we’ve been spanked.”
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February 14, 2008
Haunted, to say the least.The vital New Orleans Ghost Tour industry has been rocked by numerous sightings of one of its most famous former practitioners: slain 15-year veteran Ghost Tour guide Bartholemew Samson.
South Georgia Cosmetic Surgeon Association Convention attendee Doctor Ed Clarence Boney alleges visual evidence.
“From where I was standing I could make out his top hat, cane, rose-colored spectacles and double chin.”
“I was haunted, to say the least,” Dr. Boney added.
Quarter rat Danny Simeon corroborates the story.
“It seemed he was leading a tour of like specters, all from out of town. Ghosts from such places as Cheyenne, Cleveland, Sacramento. I could clearly see them shades ain’t from here.
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October 28, 2007
Lights, Camera, Tax BreaksSo it looks like “K-Ville” was just the beginning.
Looking to capitalize on the buzz around the Emmy win for Spike Lee’s epic Katrina documentary “When the Levees Broke” and the premiere of the new FOX series “K-Ville,” Hollywood production companies are scrambling to come up with new Louisiana-themed shows.
It’s a boon to the local film and television industry and a vindication of the Lieutenant Governor’s push to give the industry a new round of lucrative tax breaks.
Here’s a rundown of what’s currently in production:
“T-Town”
A buddy action-comedy about two oddly matched police officers fighting crime Westbank style.
“The J.P.”
A teen drama depicting the trials and tribulations of privileged young residents of Jefferson Parish’s posh lakefront era north of West Esplanade.
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October 27, 2007
Artist's Rendering of Monkey Hill EstatesTwo years after New Orleans reopened its doors from Hurricane Katrina, lack of available housing has allowed landlords to price many would-be tenants out of the city’s housing market. With residential areas slowly rebuilding to create more housing options, logic should dictate that rents will drop; but it seems the highest rents are still to come as New Orleans reclaims it’s highest ground—Monkey Hill.
“First the water rose, now it’s the rent,” complains 33-year-old Zach Bougelais, who lives with his parents’ in their one-story mid-city home.
“This was supposed to be a temporary situation, but people are crazy with what their charging now; so I’m still with my Mama and Daddy, and we’re trying to make the best of it.”
If living with your parents at 33 seems uncomfortable, imagine also sharing that same home with your wife, your two children, your elderly grandmother, your cousin and his out-of-work girlfriend, three dogs, two cats, and a cockatoo.
“Some days I don’t know what to do,” says Zach. “It feels like a zoo in here!”
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August 2, 2007
Ain't there no more.A shocking story has recently been uncovered in Jefferson Parish. A pre-Rite Aid drugstore, once thought extinct, in southeastern Louisiana, has survived time, economic flailing, and Hurricane Katrina. A K&B drugstore has been discovered which has sent commercially sentimental New Orleanians and local preservationists reeling.
The Creole-Tomato has sent its entire investigative team to the township of Westwego, where this dormant, endangered convenience store operates this very day. Your on-the-spot C-T has secured the exclusive interview with K&B franchised proprietor, Ernold Becnel.
C-T: Are you aware, Mr. Becnel, that the Katz & Bestoff pharmacy and sundries convenience store was bought out by the national drugstore chain Rite-Aid nearly ten years ago?
Becnel: Rite-Aid? What’s that, some kinda 10-K thirst-quencher? Anyways why y’all coming here tonight? We close at 10pm, sharply.
C-T: Mr. Becknel, don’t you realize that K&Bs are extinct?
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August 2, 2007
Limos by A ConfidentialIt’s been one of the city’s most well-known advertising slogans for the last few decades—the famous phrase at the end of every radio commercial for Fat City nightspot Kenny’s Key West.
“Limos by A Confidential.”
But now no more.
Kenny’s Key West, LLC (NYSE: KKW) announced that it has placed its estimated $5,000 limousine account into review, touching off what will no doubt become a feverish competition to win the business of the city’s most lucrative nightclub transportation contract.
Industry rumors are swirling as to what brought on the review.
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July 18, 2007
A Vitter taste in her mouthSecretary-Treasurer of Madams and Prostitutes Local 69 (AFL-CIO) Amber Sparkles has a bone to pick with Senator Vitter.
“After Katrina, this community banded together to support one another and shop local. I just think that our elected officials should set a better example for our kids,” said Secretary Sparkles.
She cited the potential impact on the local economy- particularly the loss of business from Airline Highway motels.
“I know those people in Washington have a reputation for screwing people over royally, but we’ve got some got damn fine ladies down here in New Orleans who could really use the business.”
Local 69 is considering a one-day John strike out of protest.
The New Orleans East Chapter of the International Brotherhood of Strippers, Exotic Dancers and Steamfitters is meeting later tonight at Visions on Downman Road to discuss a sympathy job action.
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July 3, 2007
Not just delicious, educational.In 1986, the influential global business periodical The Economist introduced the “Big Mac Index.” The index tracks the price of the world’s most famous hamburger in 50 countries.
By tracking the price of a single, consistent commodity (a Big Mac in Syracuse, NY is identical to a Big Mac in Singapore), you can judge the purchasing power of global currencies and track inflation.
(See it here: http://www.economist.com/markets/Bigmac/Index.cfm)
Today, The Creole-Tomato is launching “The Hubig’s Index,” a sophisticated macroeconomic tool to gauge the health of the area economy and consumer purchasing power by tracking the price of a Hubig’s Pie.
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June 3, 2007
Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms. Mixes Easy, Just Add People!Taking a cue from the enterprising criminal element of New Orleans, Federal agents from the Secret Service and Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms today announced a new contract to purchase firearms from Elliott’s Gun Shop on Jefferson Highway.
“In the past five years, guns from Elliott’s have been connected to more than 125 murder investigations and over 500 drug crimes in the New Orleans area,” said Agent Malcom Berglund of the ATF.
“Clearly, they offer quality products at reasonable prices that have a long track record of performing as advertised. That’s what we’re looking for in a federal government vendor.”
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June 3, 2007
A Meaningful Contribution.There is one bright spot in the New Orleans’ slow economic recovery: sales of Fleur De Lis tattoos are booming.
Snake’s Tattoo Parlor of New Orleans yesterday announced plans to develop a drive-up tat-shop at the high profile Uptown intersection of St. Charles and Napoleon avenues.
The site is currently occupied by a Rite Aid drugstore that never reopened after Hurricane Katrina and is being demolished. Richard “Snake” Richaud, 53, plans to begin building his branch during the third quarter of this year and officially open it by the first quarter of 2008.
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May 1, 2007
One Venti Order: 15.99The Starbucks Coffee Company announced plans today to open a new location in Jackson Square’s Lower Pontalba Building.
The space at the corner St. Ann and Chartres—previously occupied by bakery La Madelaine for 23 years—is just one block from one of New Orleans’s most cherished institutions and tourist draws, the world-famous coffee shop Café Du Monde.
So how will the new world-famous coffee shop compete? By bringing a Starbucks twist to an old favorite: the beignet.
“The new Fair Trade Certified Starbucks Beignets are certified to be made of 100% organic flour and deep-fried in 100% organic lard,” said Starbucks Southern Region Spokesperson Sheila Trandy.
Full Story » »
May 1, 2007
Dear Editor,
In reference to your story entitled “Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets,” I for one would like to applaud commitment of the Starbucks Corporation to the recovery of the City of New Orleans.
At a time when outside investment is scarce, Starbucks is making a bold choice to support the city in our time of gravest need.
Not that I have any personal experience dealing with the grumblings of an insular, isolationist populace in the face of true progress, but I imagine that it must be very difficult for anyone who wants to create a restaurant-style experience that New Orlenians would have to travel to Houston or Baton Rouge to find.
Recall if you will the heated contention between local celebutard luddite Anne Rice and visionary restaurateur Al Copeland just a few short years ago.
Mr. Copeland has remained to rebuild New Orleans. Ms. Rice, in contrast, has fled to California to write either erotica or religious-themed fiction, whatever it is exactly she’s writing now.
Sincerely and Love That Chicken,
Hal Mopeland
Mandeville, LA
Related Story: Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets
May 1, 2007
The future is now.Grand Isle-based architectural firm Betsy, Andrew, Lily, Camille, and Partners today announced plans to open a new Lakeview office at the corner of Harrison and Fleur de Leis, site of the former Lakeview Chicken and Ribs.
BALC and Partners, as the firm is known, specializes in cutting-edge elevated construction techniques.
Most known for private residences, their stunning portfolio includes some of the most famous structures in Placquemines and St. John the Divine Parishes including “The Robicheax House” in Pilot Town, “The Whistling Cranes” in Cutoff, and “Where My Wife Can’t Find Me” in Venice.
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May 1, 2007
Reaching higher ground.In a press conference yesterday at Moisant International Airport, United Airlines Chief Marketing Officer Frederick Stout today announced that the airline would begin a new twice nonstop service to Denver beginning June 1.
The flights will be a season promotion ending December 1.
“We think that come June the first, many New Orleanians will be eager to visit the mile high city of Denver,” Stout said.
May 30, 2006
Movin' on up.
If you put off buying “For Sale” Signs on Thursday, it’s going to cost you. “For Sale” Sign retailers throughout low lying parishes and counties across the Gulf Coast are raising prices—most by 10 to 12 cents a letter.
While Creole Tomato reporters watched Tuesday morning, the Roger’s Ace Hardware in the Irish Channel, New Orleans, went from $2.77 to $2.89 for a letter of regular “For Sale” Signs.
“There only six letters in ‘For Sale,’ says Clarence Graves, local homeowner, “But it adds up fast. I can’t sell my house if I can’t afford a sign.”
Steve & Jenny’s Hardware on Highway 90 in Waveland, MS made the same price jump yesterday, according to our partners at ForSaleSignsAccountability.com.
Full Story » »
January 15, 2006
A moment on the lips, forever on the political resume.Dwane Robinson’s ice cream shop hasn’t seen many customers since Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans nearly five months ago. But the 46 year-old owner of a Central Business District Baskin Robbins franchise is hoping that a new promotional flavor called “Chocolate City” will change all that.
“There’s just not that many people here and the people that’s here don’t really want ice cream,” Robinson said. “I hope this fundraiser will turn things around.”
The fundraiser is from the new flavor itself. Baskin Robbins will donate 20% of all profits from the sale of “Chocolate City” to various hurricane relief and rebuilding efforts.
The new flavor features chocolate ice cream with several fillings, including tiny milk chocolate refrigerators, café au lait with caramel swirl, purple, green and gold sprinkles, and a plastic baby. Most scoops will also include a single, token marshmallow on top.
“It’s sort of a new-age Rocky Road,” said Lawrence Klapp, spokesman for Baskin Robbins.
Full Story » »
January 15, 2006
Throw me something, Mister!With the passing of Twelfth Night, Mardi Gras is just beginning to enter most people’s minds, but for Alton Butto and his Mardi Gras Ladder business, Fat Tuesday is a day that requires year-round preparation.
Only this year, with Katrina disrupting and perhaps even canceling portions of the annual festival, he has hundreds of Mardi Gras Ladders that may go to waste.
“Just ain’t much hope they’re going to move,” Butto said from his crowded warehouse in Bogalusa, LA. “Right now, we’re slowing down production to almost a crawl, really anticipating that very few folks are going to want one this year.”
The production does not involve the actual manufacture of ladders, but rather a small bench (often with a safety bar) that bolts to the top of the ladder. From this bench, children can better view parades and catch beads in the crowds.
With his storage facility completely overcrowded, Butto has forced his employees to store ladders in their own homes.
Full Story » »
October 30, 2005
On America's SideAs Katrina approached, Attorney Morris Bart didn’t evacuate.
As the floodwaters rose, Mr. Bart and his key lieutenants bunkered down in a special emergency phone bank in his office high above Poydras Street.
The phone bank was stocked with enough food, generators, and diesel fuel to last a month. So when all of Southeast Louisiana lost power, the phones at Mr. Bart’s firm kept ringing.
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