Feds Bail Out House of Shock;
Deemed “Too Big To Fail”

JEFFERSON  – As Halloween approaches the Big un-Easy, residents are expressing concern about the potential collapse of one of New Orleans’ revered institutions.

With stock market prices all over the map and the US economic crisis sending mortgage-backed security backwash throughout Europe and Asia, the Treasury Department today announced an emergency plan to bail out the House of Shock.

Original founded by homegrown thrash metal band Pantera in the mid-1980s, House of Shock flourished as an upstart and eventually showed itself as an able competitor of the mainstay Sheriff Foti’s Haunted House.

Though controversial, the bailout package was immediately endorsed by both presidential candidates Senators Obama and McCain.

But will the bailout work? According to House of Shock CFO Marjorie Killgore, positive effects are not likely to be felt immediately and layoffs are certain.

“It’s just that this work is seasonal, you know,” said an out of work disembodied hand. “But I’m optimistic, I’ll find something.”

This is America after all,” he added.

Legislators stressed strict controls and oversight would be put into effect immediately.

“The last thing we need is some emaciated, re-animated corpse doling out high dollar bonus packages to his bonesaw toting minions,” said Louisiana Congressman Bill Jefferson.

EXTRA: The Gray Ghost Strikes Again!
Covers Holiday Inn Clarinet Mural!

CBD — His given name is Fred Radtke, president of the Louisiana not-for-profit organization Operation: Clean Sweep.

But he’s called The Gray Ghost.

This elusive anti-graffiti vigilante uses his signature gray paint to cover up blights on our fair city’s landscape.

And while some people consider him a great citizen fighting to help keep New Orleans beautiful others consider him a vandal that is only adding to the problem.

Now The Gray Ghost is painting with an entirely different brush—in a court of law.

His target? Michael “Rex” Dingler, artist and founder of NolaRising, a public art campaign of whimsical, bright sign art installations around the city.

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Marinello gives “Tour De Force” Performance
at 2008 Tennessee Williams Festival

FRENCH QUARTER — Legendary local sportscaster Vince “With Sports” Marinello exploded onto the American theatre scene over the weekend with what critics are calling a “tour de force” at the annual Tennessee Williams Festival.

Mr. Marinello, who has no formal stage experience, thrilled audiences, judges, and passersby alike during the 8pm performance of the “Stella Yell” competition. In fact, his blood-curdling plea was heard throughout the Vieux Carre.

Costumed in a white “wife-beater” T-shirt, black pleated pants, and bowling shoes, Marinello quickly displayed the rare combination of technical skill and emotional force present in only the world’s finest thespians.

Renown New Orleans theatre critic Chauncey Matthau was elated.

“I have never seen Stanley portrayed with such brutish realism,” Matthau said. “It was such a shot in the face. I was at the edge of my seat with Marinello’s magical, maniacal turn.”

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Ghost Tour Guide Dies, Joins Tour

The vital New Orleans Ghost Tour industry has been rocked by numerous sightings of one of its most famous former practitioners: slain 15-year veteran Ghost Tour guide Bartholemew Samson.

South Georgia Cosmetic Surgeon Association Convention attendee Doctor Ed Clarence Boney alleges visual evidence.

“From where I was standing I could make out his top hat, cane, rose-colored spectacles and double chin.”

“I was haunted, to say the least,” Dr. Boney added.

Quarter rat Danny Simeon corroborates the story.

“It seemed he was leading a tour of like specters, all from out of town. Ghosts from such places as Cheyenne, Cleveland, Sacramento. I could clearly see them shades ain’t from here.

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C-T Cultural Review: “Sheriff” Foti’s Haunted House Featured New Frightening Attractions

With Halloween just past, parents were looking to celebrate Halloween in a way only New Orleans can: by sending their children into a scary house filled with convicted criminals with minimal supervision and masks.

“This was to be the most frightening haunted realm, I mean house, ever,” said one machette-toting convict in an orange OPP jumpsuit.

“And just because he’s moved on to bigger and better positions in state government, doesn’t mean we can’t still call him Sheriff.”

There were some changes this year. Most notably the name—and new corporate sponsors.

Children now had new nightmares because of the “Southern Comfort Presents The State of Louisiana Attorney General Charles C. Foti’s Haunted House Sponsored by Freeport McMoran.”

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House of Shock: Morgus Under Scrutiny in Chopsley Euthanasia Case

An anonymous source inside the Louisiana State Attorney General’s office has revealed that recently named Ochsner Chief of Medicine Momus Alexander Morgus, MD, also known as Morgus the Magnificent, is a “person of interest” in the death of Ochsner Head of Surgery, Chopsley, during the chaotic days after Hurricane Katrina shattered New Orleans.

CNN first reported in October that staff members at the medical center had discussions with Morgus about euthanizing Chopsley for the good of the “Higher Order” even before the hurricane flooded the city on Monday, August 29, 2005, cutting off power and stranding hundreds of thousands of residents. Full Story » »