October 5, 2008
The Tiger Band: Music-Related Football Support ServicesBATON ROUGE, Louisiana — Louisiana State University Chancellor Mike Martin today announced that LSU will sell or outsource all educational operations in order to focus exclusively on football.
“Our education operations have been a drag on our growth for a long time,” said Chancellor Martin.
“This move will allow us to focus exclusively on what’s always been our core business: football, football-related services, and the licensing of football-related products.”
“The Board of Regents is united in its belief that this new, single focus the best way to accomplish this institution’s three goals: to win SEC and National Championships, to grow broadcast and merchandise revenue, and, finally, to educate the citizens of Louisiana,” Martin said.
The announcement came as no surprise to many observers.
“LSU has literally been a Football Factory for years now,” said economist and higher education analyst Brent Skogins. “They’re just finally admitting what everybody’s been whispering for years.”
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September 29, 2008
Down and up?METAIRIE PRACTICE FACILITY — While Saints fans have bemoaned the loss of Saints Tight End Jeremy Shockey for 3-6 weeks with a sports hernia, General Manager Mickey Loomis insists that this was the plan all along.
“If you look at Jeremy’s track record, you’ll find that he plays the tight end position with energy and serious play-making ability,” says Loomis.
“But what you’ll also find is that when he gets hurt, good things happen.”
Loomis is, of course, referring to the 2007-08 campaign of the New York Giants, a struggling team that was propelled to victory after Shockey broke his left fibula in Week 15.
“This is exactly why we brought him here, and we’re right on track to where we want to be,” Loomis continued.
“In fact, I’d say we’re ahead of schedule. The Giants weren’t able to get him hurt until Week 15; this is just Week 3. And I think that’s due to the hard work of this coaching staff.”
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September 17, 2008
The Key to Super Bowl Success?METAIRIE PRACTICE FACILITY — The Saints added another piece of the Super Bowl puzzle when they traded for former New York Giant (and Eli Manning teammate) Jeremy Shockey.
Now all they need to do is figure out how to get him hurt.
Shockey, a Pro Bowl Tight End with big speed and a big reputation for trouble, got hurt midway through New York’s 2007-2008 campaign, propelling the rudderless franchise to victory.
Now the Saints are hoping he can repeat that same magic one more time.
“In a sense, this is the perfect city for Jeremy to do what he does best,” said Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis.
“There are many establishments serving reasonably-priced beverages that, when consumed in the right quantities, affect the body’s balance and coordination. Many are also located on streets with old, broken sidewalks.”
“If there’s a better town to partially tear an ACL, I don’t know what it is.”
Saints officials confirm that they have encouraged Shockey to do workouts on his own on the cobblestone streets of the Warehouse District.
In fact, no option is off the table when it comes to helping Shockey do his best.
“I don’t know if it will come placing banana peels around where he’s known to walk,” said Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis. “But we’re fully prepared to do whatever it takes to get this franchise to a Super Bowl.”
August 29, 2008
The Classic PoseCBD — Hollywood insiders are buzzing about recent rumors of
George Lucas swarming around the New Orleans Arena, known also as the Hive, given the relative success of the New Orleans Hornets NBA franchise.
In the height of the offseason, rumor has it that Chris Paul (a.k.a. CP3) has been solicited by the man behind the six Star Wars movies.
Could another trilogy featuring the city’s own CP3 be in the making?
When asked for comment Hornets MVP CP3 stated that he was programmed primarily for protocol and language.
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July 16, 2008
A real MFCBD — Despite months of anticipation, there will be no FagetDome playing host to Saints games or Sugar Bowls.
Today, the Superdome Commission announced that it has rejected a multi-million dollar bid from local jewelry maker Mignon Faget for naming rights to the 30-year old sports stadium.
The proposed bid, rumored to be “well above market value,” according to a party with knowledge of the offer, was rejected by commission officials due to concerns about “fit and image.”
In a written statement, newly appointed commission chairman Gaston Laborde said:
“While the offer certainly represented a more than generous offer on the part of the company, is is our view that the two organizations’ are not a good match at this time.” Full Story » »
June 20, 2008
The Dolls Class of '08, Sans Brandi and Nikki
ATLANTA, Georgia — In a move that could never have been guessed by even the most rabid draft prognosticators, the Atlanta Falcons have swooped down to sign Brandi and Nikki, the two hottest Voodoo Dolls, for frontline placement in the ranks of the Atlanta Falcons Cheerleaders.
In a news conference to announce the move late yesterday, Falcons General Manager Thomas Dimitroff said:
“We’ve had our eyes on these ladies for quite a while, examining them very closely in slow-motion replays and extreme close-ups, often for hours at a time and very late at night.”
“We’re really, really excited,” he added. “Really excited.”
Speaking via satellite from the ESPN Zone restaurant in Baltimore, ESPN NFL draft expert Mel Kiper was stunned by the move.
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May 16, 2008
Next YearBROADMOOR — Sports history was quietly made on Monday, May 19th, 2008.
For the first time in American sports history, a game involving the New Orleans Hornets, a professional NBA franchise, was recorded for later viewing.
According to a recently released report by Nielsen Media Research, local Cottman Transmission apprentice mechanic Chad Littleford TiVoed Game 7 of the NBA Eastern Conference Semifinal.
Sports commentators around the world are just beginning to understand the significance of this event.
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February 21, 2008
A Desire To Be More Authentically, “Naturally N’awlins”
Your name here.NEW YORK — They were born in Charlotte, spent some time in Oklahoma City, and now they think they’re ready to be full-fledged locals. But the New Orleans Hornets still don’t sound like they’re from here.
That’s why the top brass at NBA Corporate Headquarters has hired New York marketing and branding experts BrandEssence and Partners to develop a list of new names for the team.
According to league sources, the list (printed below) is a result of months of meticulous research to “get at the authentic soul of New Orleans, to express what the city is really all about.”
The Gumbos
The Flashers
The Open Containers
The Roux
The Swamp Tours
The Grits
The Riverboat Queens
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February 3, 2008
Throw me somethin', Mister!GREEN BAY, WIS. — Not often does a quarterback go into Green Bay in the dead of winter and beat the inimitable Brett Favre.
But it happened Sunday night at historic Lambeau Field, where New Orleans-born Eli Manning led the New York Giants to a 23-20 overtime victory in the National Football Conference championship game. New York will play the unbeaten New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII on Feb. 3 at Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Ariz.
Manning, who prepped at Newman School, celebrated outside the Giants’ locker room with his parents, Archie and Olivia, and older brother Cooper and his wife, Ellen.
“I don’t think it’s sunk in quite yet,” said Manning, who completed 21 of 40 passes for 254 yards with no interceptions in subzero temperatures and a wind chill of 24 below, making it the third-coldest game in National Football League history.
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February 3, 2008
It's on!Not to be outdone in the quest for C-list celebrity Grand Marshall marshaling the Krewe of Endymion announced today that the Iron Shiek will ride on Endymion’s front runner float.
After accepting Endymion’s invitation, the Iron Shiek immediately issued challenge to Bacchus’ Grand Marshall, the soft spoken ex-performer for the WWF, Hulk Hogan.
“Hulk Hogan,” screamed the Shiek after snatching the microphone from Mean Gene Okerland.
“You think you’re man enough to be king of all Mardi Gras, meet me in the cage and we’ll find out.”
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November 23, 2007
Bless you, BoysFlanked by his agents, representatives of his corporate sponsors, Mayor C. Ray Nagin, Archbishop Shulte, Rabbi Bernie Stien of the St. Charles Synagogue, and Pastor Reverend Marla Washington of the New Hope Baptist church, Reggie Bush today announced plans to walk on water “for the children of New Orleans.”
The announcement was immediately met with universal community praise.
“It’s about time somebody walked on water for these children,” said one local resident.
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August 2, 2007
As Seen On TVLike the title to his newest record, Fats Domino is ‘Alive and Kickin.’
But with Richard Simmons?
That’s right, the Rhythm and Blues music legend Antoine “Fats Domino” Dominique has teamed up with another famous New Orleans native, Milton “Richard” Simmons, to create a new video workout routine entitled “Sweatin’ out the Fats!”.
“Fats’ music speaks to everyone. And I speak to everyone about fitness using music,” said Simmons at a recent press conference.
“It’s seemed so natural for me to use the music from my home written by a man called ‘Fats’ to help people kick out the fats!”
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July 18, 2007
Greatna!Following the lead of numerous cities like New York, London, and Barcelona, the city of Gretna has established a proactive not-for-profit corporation seeking a nod from the 2016 International Olympic Committee.
The recently incorporated Best Bank-Shout Out 2016, LLC will attempt to make a serious pre-bid plea for hosting the Summer games of 2016.
With the obvious economic influx that would follow the awarding of the games, Gretna feels that the West Bank locality could not only handle the burden of hosting, but also offer the Olympics Coalition a positive glimpse of West Bank Culture.
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June 3, 2007
Memories of better times.As the Saints prepare for what looks to be another winning season, not everyone is happy with Coach Payton and the Boys in Black and Gold.
Aint’s Fan and Gentilly resident Jordan Samson doesn’t want to be in that number.
“I feel betrayed,” says Samson. “I feel like my team abandoned me.”
“After Katrina, everybody was afraid that the team that they knew and loved would leave town.”
“In my brown paper bag eyes, they did.”
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June 3, 2007
I'll sautee his ass in butter! Bam!Master Chefs Paul “The Pulverizer” Prudhomme and Emeril “The Mincer” Lagasse have agreed to face off in a vat of decadent, but airy, divinely rich chocolate mousse a la women’s mud wrestling in an effort to raise money for displaced Vieux Carre cooks, Harrah’s New Orleans announced today.
The event, called “Chef-Mania!” will take place Saturday, August 11th, typically the hottest day of the year.
Emeril Lagasse is training in Los Angeles under the tutelage of short-shorts guru and St. Aloysius Alum, Richard Simmons.
Prudhomme, however, is working in New Iberia with personal mobility device manufacturer Hoverround on a new, secret scooter in preparation for the gooey match.
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October 30, 2005
That's Naturally N'awlins!If one good thing has come out of Hurricane Katrina, it’s that you don’t have to do no driving up to Cocodrie for some top-notch fishing spots.
There’s been great fishing right in our own backyard.The Carrollton Underpass at I-10 is shaping up to be a fantastic fishing hole. Last week I caught great perch, sac-a-lait, and lawn ornaments.
And the best part about it, there’s no limit on redfish.
The fish are easy to find. All you’ve got to do look for bubbles on the water’s surface. It’s either a fish or toxic gases escaping up from the sewer.
You’ve got to get out early, though. The National Guard humvees and garbage trucks usually start rolling through around nine, scaring all the fish.
