New Orleans Evacuates for Ida; Mexico Braces for Refugee Influx

UNITED MEXICAN STATES — As Tropical Storm Ida bears down on the Gulf Coast, Mexican Border Patrols have begun a stepped up campaign to thwart the expected massive illegal immigration of Grande Isle & Greater N.O. refugees.   

We’ve seen this before.  Texas has never fully recovered from this mess since ’05,” reports Lt. F. Corano of the Mexican Border Patrol. 

“Mexico’s border towns are upstanding areas that are truly beginning to blossom as possible commercial headquarters.  These New Orleans refugees just seem to be fascinated with partying and carousing.  You can forget about actual work coming from these people.  If I remember right, we had to actually send some of our best workers over there to clean things up. ”

The local reaction has vastly differed.  Discussions with multiple area residents who are planning to immigrate has produced multiple ambitious entrepreneurial plans to improve their new found home.  Full Story »

State Rep. LaBruzzo Condemns Day of the Dead

GRETNA, Louisiana — The local Mexican-American population of Jefferson Parish will have something to raise Hell about this Halloween.

State Representative John LaBruzzo (R-Metairie), who most recently proposed paying poor women to have their fallopian tubes tied, is now calling for the post-Katrina Mexican population of New Orleans to give up their traditional November 2nd holiday, Dios des los Meurtos, or Day of the Dead.

Day of the Dead falls on All Souls Day — Nov. 2 — and is celebrated with particular gusto in Mexico, where families visit cemeteries to offer food and flowers for their lost relatives, whose portraits are placed on altars at home.

Day of the Dead has centuries of tradition, combining All Souls Day with two pre-Hispanic holidays in honor of the dead. It is a festive rather than sad occasion, and with support from local Roman Catholic Churches, the tradition runs strong.

But LaBruzzo wonders if this post-Halloween tradition is good for New Orleans.

“New Orleans is a wholesome, family-oriented city, and our citizens have no use for this sense of the macabre,” he said.

“In Mexico, there’s a long tradition of vampires in literature and TV; they give names like “Voodoo” to their football teams and festivals; and they ride buses called ‘Cemetaries.’ They even use convicts to scare kids in haunted houses.”

“These are not the type of things that would be acceptable to the good people of our town,” he added.

When reached for comment, local Mexican-American community leaders said: “Chupa me, puto.”

Moreno Vows to Make Fashion a Top Priority in Congress

UNITED STATES CONGRESS DISTRICT #2 — Congressional Representative hopeful and former WDSU reporter Helena Moreno has vowed that, along with her desire to restore health care, repair our levee system, and clean up the stifling corruption of the state’s political system, she will be also be taking great strides to make Louisiana politics “just that little bit more stylish.”

Hoping to garner swing votes from former Hillary Clinton supporters, Moreno has announced that she has officially joined the “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits.”

Right wing political pundits may have blogged extensively about Moreno’s inexperience, but they nearly always begrudgingly admit that she is not only a top-notch orator, but also always sartorially appropriate.

Most of Moreno’s locally famous former colleagues have thrown their weight behind the cherubic blonde’s Congressional attempt.

Long-time WDSU anchor Alec Gifford says: “Look, Susan Roesgen was classy, no doubt about it, but when Helena came along? Whoa, that lady had panache, if I was 20 years younger, what I wouldn’t….”

Former colleague Investigative Reporter Richard Angelico told the C-T that he personally felt like a “slob” working next to Ms. Moreno.

“CNN, Congress, couture,’ said Angelico. “Helena was going somewhere, and we could only just sit back and watch. About the only person who could keep up was Roop [Raj].”

Mr. Raj was unavailable for comment as he was in New York City’s Bryant Park for Fashion Week 2008.

Moreno has secured the endorsements of The Washington Post, Gambit Weekly, and The New Orleans Levee, and the Marrero Chapter of the New Orleans Voodoo Dolls Alumnae Association (NOVDAA).

Krewe of Quetzalcoatl to Roll on Lundi Gras

It’s a tradition as old as New Orleans itself. A new population influx brings new cultures and new community. The only left to do is start a new Krewe.

Today the New Orleanian Mexican community announced plans to join this grand tradition with the launching of a new Carnival Krewe.

“We’re all good Catholics here,” said Mexican Community Leader Jorge Suarez. “We understand the importance of getting completely ripshit before Lent.”

In a departure from Mardi Gras tradition, Blaine Kern has not been contracted to construct any of the Quetzalcoatl’s floats, as the Krewe itself can build them in half the man hours at half the cost.

The Krewe of Quetzalcoatl will roll on the Uptown Route through Lee Circle on Lundi Gras Day.

More Articles in El Tomate-Criollo »

Taco Trucks Take Down Terrytown

Recent laws passed by Jefferson Parish Councilman Louis Congemi have failed to stop the migration of “Taco Trucks” into the city and has even put Congemi on the defensive after numerous unintended consequences.

In a C-T interview, Congemi felt that his biggest mistake was enforcing all taqueria carts to provide a bathroom.

“I would like to apologize to the good people of Terrytown. You didn’t deserve this,” he stated referring to the devastating Terry Parkway traffic jam of last week.

The gridlock, which was induced by a Port-A-Lette that was poorly secured to a moving taqueria cart, has since paralyzed one of the main thoroughfares of the West Bank and may have ruined the summer for many children who patron Skate Country U.S.A.

Larry Breaux of Breaux’s Kool Sno-Balls of Terrytown, near the sight of the “accident,” feels he has seen it all.

Full Story »

Kenner City Attorney Resigns

OFICINA DE KENNER — James Cannella, que creó la oficina legal interna de los consejos de Kenner pero tropezó en ocuparse de la autoridad de la cubierta de la ciudad, dijo martes que él está dimitiendo como abogado de la ciudad. El su día pasado es de junio el 29.

James Cannella, juez anterior de la corte de apelación, vino a la ciudad pasillo cuando el Ed Muniz tomó la oficina como alcalde de julio el 1. Él dijo eso creando la oficina de un abogado interno de la ciudad, en vez de confiar en abogados exteriores, él se ayuda excepto Kenner cerca de $200.000 este año.

Aquí está el aviso de la administración de Muniz de la dimisión: Full Story »