More Like Jane Awesome

WAREHOUSE DISTRICT–As the NOPD barricades are being lined up on the cross streets of Tchoupitoulas, New Orleans prepares for another round of citywide revelry. Three weeks after Fat Tuesday, New Orleans residents, still chanting “Who Dat!’  have caught the whiff of a party in sister city, Mandeville. 

On March 6th , Mandeville, Louisiana, kicks off the fourteenth annual Old Mandeville Jane Austen Festival. The festival, actually staged across Lake Pontrachartrain from New Orleans, ” fosters the fine art of letter writing, a motif common to the works of Jane Austen.”

Twenty four miles of Causeway are not expected to hinder the thirsty populace of New Orleans.

“We know a good party when we see one,” said New Orleans Satellite Party Branch Assistant Manager of the Old Mandeville Jane Austen Festival Jimmy John O’Keefe. “And we’re bringing it to New Orleans.”

“This year we got permits to second line down the Orpheus Route.”

O’Keefe and company are expecting large crowds to bring out the Mardi Gras ladders, ice chests, and folding charirs for the parade.

“Besides the obvious debauchery that goes along with the OMJAF, we’ve got the 610 Stompers, the Marching 1,000, and flambeux.”

“Easily, our biggest year so far.” he added. “Oh yeah, and ‘Who dat!’”

Apparently it wasn't just an expression.

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana – Baton Rouge and surrounding parishes awoke to a winter mix of sleet and snow blanketing the area.

But Barry Keim, an LSU climatologist, said the forecast was “not in any way related to the Saints Superbowl victory.”

“Yes, we know all know the expression ‘hell will freeze over before the Saints win the Superbowl,’” Klein said.  “But this is an actual weather event. Baton Rouge is not hell.”

But Robert Ricks, a forecaster for the National Weather Service in New Orleans, disagrees.

“We’ve had indications for years that Baton Rouge was hell,” said Ricks.  “This is just the final confirmation.

“It’s the seat of a corrupt state government, home to an intellectually bankrupt football factory passing as an institution of higher education, and a strip mall wasteland of chain-restaurant culture and cuisine.”

“If that’s not hell, I don’t know what is,” Klein added.

Klein’s forecast called for the snowfall to continue throughout much of the day covering East Baton Rouge Parish, Houston, Dallas, Atlanta, Arkansas, and Afghanistan.

State of Euphoria.

“This illness appears to have a sudden onset but presents with no major symptoms to speak of,” said Dr. Pierre Buekens of the Tulane University School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine.

“The State reported fatigue, muscle weakness, mild headache, a loss of voice, and a pronounced state of god-like euphoria. But these symptoms are common and can be associated with any number of conditions.”

“It truly is mysterious,” he added.

In the meantime, New Orleans health officials are taking no chances.

While urging the public to remain calm, Mayor-elect Landrieu has announced that all SDT cleaning trucks will now have a special antibacterial agent added to their street soap sprayers.

“The antibiotic has a natural lemony scent, so the public should notice no difference,” he said.

Reached for comment, the State of Louisiana said that it is feeling “pretty damn good.” But it did add that it may not go into work on Tuesday either.

All rights reserved. Used with permission.

Disney Corporation today announced the filing of a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against William “Bill” Marchese and his wife, Pootie, both 78, of Gentilly. The Company claims the couple have infringed on their intellectual property rights every year since 1943 by shouting the phrase “Throw Me Something Mister” at parades.

Disney has sent the couple a “cease and desist” letter and has filed for millions in damages. They are seeking to join the couple’s neighbors, The Tapintos, also in their 70s, as co-defendants.

The letter reads, in part:

“The phrase ‘Throw my something [Mister]‘ (hereafter: “the phrase”) represents the creativity and hard work of persons long-employed by the Disney company, who has included the phrase in its scripted Theme Park parade experiences since 1982.

“As such, the Disney corporation reserves the right to determine who employs the phrase, when the phrase is employed, and for what purpose.”

As to why these couples were targeted as part of Disney’s legal effort is unclear. A Disney spokesperson familiar with the matter said simply:

“While there are many instances of the phrase’s unauthorized usage, we know that these individuals have been recklessly throwing this phrase around for years without any consideration for those who invented and cultivated it.”

When reached on the porch of his home, Mr. Marchese, a retired phone company employee, said simply: “They crazy.”

Anna Williamson, spokesperson for the Mayor’s tourism office, called the suit “absurd” and “opportunistic.”

Mr. Tapinto, the couple’s neighbor, simply replied “[Expletive] those guys.”

Similarly, Tina Finch, of Willkes Barre, PA, seen exposing herself at the Mystic Krewe of Perseus parade, said that she felt the suit was “random” but that, “whatever, there are other ways of getting beads, you know?”

Insert Title Here

WEST BATON ROUGE PARISH – While the New Orleans’ Mayor’s Race gets lost in a shuffle of Black & Gold and Purple Green & Gold, Governor Jindal (R) has made a move that ought to interest the Big Easy voter.

Jindal, on Friday, January 29^th (Ten days before the Saints upset the Colts or the night before Krewe de Vieux) moved to permanently shut down the office of Lieutenant Governor.

“It’s a useless post,” said Jindal spokeswoman Forsythe Paige-Moliette. “Total waste of time.”

It is no surprise that Jindal, a Republican considered to be a strong up-and-comer in the GOP, and Landrieu, a legacy Democrat, are often at odds even given their current posts.

But the news that the governor threw Landrieu under the bus went nearly unnoticed in the Who Dat Nation.

The Creole-Tomato, which aims to provide the localest news, sought comment from the Mitch Landrieu for Mayor campaign.

“Mitch was very good at being Lieutenant Governor,” Campaign Manager Montrose Baggs, Esq. wrote to us in an email.

“It’s a political position, right? Stands to reason he’ll be good at it. Whatever the  political position, he is good at it, trust me. In fact, he was so good at that one, he very well may be the last Lieutenant Governor of the great state of Louisiana.”

“’Leave ‘em wanting more,’ that’s what I always say.”

No Place Like Home

The C-T is pleased to feature Tammy and Donnie Tervalon of Avondale, Louisiana, as our resident Miami travel experts.

Tammy, a medical technician, travels with her husband Donnie, a longtime Sysco Deliveryman, to Miami, Florida once every two years for vacation.

This year it’s to watch the New Orleans Saints stomp the Indianapolis Colts.

We caught up with the Tervalons for some travel tips.

“There’s a ‘Fat Tuesday’ Daiquiri place right on the beach there. They don’t have the 190 Octane right, but they pour a good floater. Lemme tell you” –Tammy.

“This year I’m gonna get me one them “Black” Russians, me.” –Donnie.

Tammy usually gets her nails done at Sunset Nails on A-1-A. This year she said she’ll get “some of those little baby fleur- de-lis’s painted on, real classy, you know.”

“Yeah,” interjected Donnie, “And the NFL can go fuck theyselves!”

Carnival Knowlege

FRENCH QUARTER—On Saturday New Orleanians enjoyed its first parade of the 2010 Carnival Season by watching the Krewe du Vieux parade downs its traditional French Quarter  route.

Locals anticipated the event as the heralding the beginning of a two week series of  Mardi Gras events.

This season, however, the particularly raunchy club shocked even the most enthusiastic parade watcher.

The Krewe, whose horse drawn floats commented on Louisiana’s current political landscape, made great use of high brow humor, puns and clever innuendo.

The crowd was stunned.

“Where are all the dicks?” said Trudy Landry. “My sister told me this was a penis parade. In fact, I left my kids at home with my old man.”

Dr. John, the King of the Krewe De Vieux, flew in from New York City to ride. “I was honored to be a part of this parade, but this year they went and got rid of all the jokes. This p-rade used to be a real laugh”

Krewe De Vieux Captain Peter Johnson had this to say. “We’ve outgrown the cock and balls. We really tried to be clever.”

"[Back in the day] we were boys," said Monroe III.

Monroe III is unsure where his rooting interest should lie.

“Dude, I, like, totally knew Payton when we was back in high school,” said Mr. Monroe. “We’d hang here at Fat’s all the time on Thirsty Thursdays. And years before that, at 8 O’Clocks.”

“We were boys,” he added.

As a result, Monroe III, currently unemployed, says he is unsure whether he should be rooting for his hometown team or Manning’s Indianapolis club.

Monroe III describes a special bond between the two, and credits Manning as a major influence in his life.

“He totally got me to almost think about transferring to Newman and going out for football,” he said.

“We were boys,” he noted.

Asked if the two are still in regular contact, Mr. Monroe replied that he had “friended” Manning on a popular social networking website “a little while back,” but was still awaiting a reply.

“I’m sure he’s just busy,” Monroe said as he was putting his boat shoes back on and signing his tab to his father’s credit card. “He’ll write back.”

“We were boys,” he added.

Manning did not return calls for comment.

Whobig's

FAUBOURG MARIGNY—While everyone from Madison Avenue to Marerro argues over who owns “Who Dat,” one New Orleans company  is emerging as a clear victor.

The closely-watched Simon Hubig Pie Company (NASDAQ: HUBG) is  is primarily known for baking all of its products daily, for using fresh, local ingredients, and for being a vital measurement of inflation and consumer purchasing power.

But today, Savory Simon has waddled into the high-stakes world of intellectual property and beaten the NFL at its own game. In regulation, we might add.

Recently named Vice President of Public Relations for Hubig’s, Honeycutt James LeClaire, gave The Creole-Tomato this exclusive.

“We abhor the NFL’s boorish tactic of sending cease and desist letters sent to FluerTy Girl and Storyville T shirts,” said LeClaire. “We’ve got another loaf a-rising.”

“We’ve locked up domestic and international trademark usage of ‘Hu-Dat?!’ in perpetuity. And the NFL can’t do a damn thing about it..”

“Those idiots got it spelled wrong,” the masterbaker added.

“Hu doesn’t know how to spell a simple word like ‘Hu’?”

A cmn prblm this wknd.

“I must have sent that message a hundred times over the weekend,” Ronnie said. “And still I’m ending up with ‘Who Fat?’ half the time.”

“I sent that to my Mom and my girlfriend by accident,” he added.

Ronnie’s not alone, according to Verizon Wireless spokesperson Philip Hanson.

“Of the literally millions of text messages send into and out of the Greater New Orleans Metropolitan Area over the weekend, more than half of them read ‘Who Eat,’” said Hanson.

“We also saw a lot of ‘Who Fav?’ and ‘Who Dav?’ and ‘Who Dau?’”

To correct the problem, Hanson recommends that customer switch to the slower manual typing (or “Abc”) mode for composing text messages.

He also recommended that customers might consider switching their allegiance to a city known for better grammar.

“These phones are programmed to help our customers spell correctly and communicate with proper grammar,” said Hanson. “Clearly, they weren’t designed for New Orleans.”

In the meantime, Ronnie Clark says he’ll make do.

“I’ll keep sending out ‘Who Dats’ as fast as I can,” he said. “Even if they’re ‘Who Thats.’”