Witnesses to the Event

His wife Nadira Manjarrias stated that her husband has been always “been a little off,” but she was disappointed considering that this was her husband’s sixth consecutive White Linen Night.

She also recalled him wandering into a commercial gallery or two over the years.

“I guess I can rationalize this lapse because every year Ronnie just runs off and gets a bunch of those Bingo tickets, you know, the ones for drinks, and disappears,” she said.

“Typically, I don’t find him till the end of the night,” she said. “He’s always on some street corner all covered with wine stains after he’s gotten sloshed with the boys.”

“We lose a new Perlis white linen suit to wine stains every year,” she added.

“It’s like a tribute to Bacchus, I guess.”

Mr Manjarrias’ eldest daughter Victoria also confided that she was surprised her father hadn’t made the connection a year earlier when he purchased two ceramic vases from a Poeyfare Street glass works.

“I thought that would have set off a light bulb or something for Dad,” she said. “But then again, the owners did force him to buy the vases after he dumped half a hot dog and some other trash in them.”

Mr. Manjarrias was not available for comments because he heard complimentary champagne was being handed out at whatever the CAC is.

A mix of 'Worktime' and 'Downtime.'

The trip would begin on August 29th, 2008.

Planning is still “in the early, fixin’-to-get-ready-to stage,” according to the source, but several foreign governments have already been contacted about the possibility of the mayor making public appearances and speeches in front of famous landmarks.

Famous backdrops under consideration for Nagin’s speeches include the Toblerone chocolate factory in Switzerland and the site where the Little Dutch Boy stuck his finger in the dyke.

“We want the City of New Orleans–no, the world–to see C. Ray Nagin for what he truly is: global citizen, humanitarian, and smooth-talking cultured man,” said a high-ranking Nagin administration official.

“It worked for Obama, didn’t it? What’s the big difference between him and us?”

‘Nothing,” he added.

The trip itself would be a mixture of “downtime” and “worktime,” with the Mayor holding talks with foreign officials, meeting with members of the New Orleans ex-pat community living abroad, and sightseeing

Possible stops on the Mayor’s itinerary?

Jerusalem, Dubai, Istanbul, Paris, London, and Amsterdam.

“Definitely Amsterdam,” the source added.

I'm Listening.

First of all, I just want to say its good to have you back!! I love your column. Although I’m not the type to ask for advice, I thought you might be able to help.

So, I’m 56 years old and run a seafood restaurant with my wife in the CBD. Our establishment is successful, I have a great crew, and my wife is a godsend. On the outside everything is wonderful. But I can’t help being plagued by self-doubt and impending doom. How’s that for dramatic? I just can’t shake it for some reason. I suppose its equal parts post Katrina, rising crime, and the recession. I want to enjoy my life and success but it’s somehow eluding me. Any words of wisdom?

Thanks!

Downtown Depressed

Dear Downtown Depressed,

So let me get this straight, you are a successful restauranteur in beautiful downtown New Orleans. You’ve got a lovely wife, dedicated employees, crustacean craving guests, and a business you care deeply about. On the outset you are handling business. But, there is an inner struggle that must be attended to.

Brother, you need to move like the Sun and “rise and shine.” Easier said than done? Maybe. But I’ve just begun.

I’m going to give you a “special” prescription that just may help you out. Do me this favor, I want you to stand in front of the nearest mirror. Look deep inside your own eyes and repeat this mantra: “Let HIM have it.” HIM being you and you being HIM. The thing about it is that you’ve always had it. But somewhere down the line you got distracted by life’s foibles and began to not trust the laws of nature and yourself.

So, you need to be reminded of what you already know. So remind yourself. Be your own best friend and give yourself the credit you deserve. Yes, Katrina is a bitch and she rained on our parade. Crime is affecting us all the time’n. And don’t get me started on the recession. If it was up to me, I’d be spanking the powers that be. But think about it, after all that B.S is said and done, you still have it all. Give yourself a break and let yourself have it.

Remind and unwind,

The Special Man

The Special Man, a successful businessman and multimedia personality, writes a regular advice column as a public service to our readers. If you’d like the advice of The Special Man, write to:DearSpecialMan@gmail.com

More Articles in Dear Special Man »

Meet Gertie of Lake Oaks. She enjoys viewing the annual St Joseph’s Altars, her grandkids, and her two cats, Jules Verne and Fluffy.

If you too have a steamy, sexy pic that you’d like to share (with Creole Tomato(es), course). Email thecreoletomato@gmail.com

Thanks, Gertie, you really are One Hot Tomato!

The culprit?

Now an anonymous Coast Guard source tells The Creole-Tomato that investigators are moving away from the so-called “Collision and Sunken Barge” Theory and taking a closer look at an unreported explosion at Central Grocery in the 900 block of Decatur Street.

According to the source close to the investigation, an enormous explosion took place in the secret muffaletta kitchen of the legendary Crescent City purveyor of Italian delights early Wednesday.

Coast Guard investigators first got suspicious when several ships with Greek registries were seen soaking up parts of the oil spill with what appeared to be paper towels.

When officials boarded the Greek vessels, they discovered that they were actually pieces of pita bread.

According to the source, the Greeks have not been implicated in the explosion, but were rather “making the best out of a bad situation.”

As for the cause of the explosion, the owners of Central Grocery deny being overstocked, but refused to cooperate with investigators by turning over the highly secret recipe for the olive salad.

“And that’s really the problem,” said the source. “Nobody really knows how they make that Olive Salad. As far as we know, that stuff is made with diesel fuel, fertilizer, and gunpowder.

“But it sure tastes good anyway,” he added.

Terrorism has not been ruled out. “They might be trying to strike us where it really hurts,” said the source.

When asked who “They” might be, he replied: “Anyone who hates our delicious food. And freedom. That too.”

Reached for comment, the Mayor’s Office issued a statement suggesting that the oily water mix could be used to combat the the shortage of cooking oil that is threatening to shrink the saturated fat-starved populace.

“That was water in there before? I always assumed it was trash from Missouri mixed with liquid cancer.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City

“I guess it’s better than a Daiquiri Spill. Now that would be tragic.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown

“Gas is at $4.20 a gallon. Where my siphon at?”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District

“Maybe this means the River Pilots Association will finally consider my application for employment.”
–Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore

“This just ain’t our decade, I guess.”
–Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly

The emperor, with his clothes.

The Creole-Tomato caught up with The Doctor in his luxurious penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan to talk about the album.

“It’s really time for a change,” said John, sipping a Belvedere vodka bloody mary with cocktail shrimp out of a goblet made of solid gold.

“I just can’t stand the hypocrisy of all these people who say they stand with the city and then walk away.”

And who are these people exactly? John’s new album takes aim at plenty of people, from government to corporations.

“It’s a land grab,” said Rebbenack, as he surveyed his substantial New York real estate holdings while reclining in a hammock made of silk on his 1,000-square foot marble terrace with 180-degree views of Central Park.

“They use their money to take things away from the little people, you know?”

According to The Doctor, money has had a corrupting influence on those who pretend to care about the city he so loves.

“But we got to keep on goin,” said The Night-Tripper, as he surveyed his extensive collection of rare Picasso, Monet, and Rembrandt paintings, each of which is stored in hermetically sealed glass with argon gas to prevent deterioration of the paint.

But Rebbenack doesn’t want the focus to be on him. In fact, all the after-tax, post-royalty proceeds from the album will be donated to charity.

“If I don’t do it, nobody else will,” he replied with a smile, showing a platinum tooth covered with diamonds.

Evidence

The precinct’s commander had apparently excused the entire squad from the typical uniform requirements in favor of T-shirts from the Jazz and Heritage Festival.

“I don’t see what the big deal is all about,” said 2nd District Precinct Commanding Officer Geoffry Babineaux.

“We just wanted our officers to achieve a certain level of comfortability. And the regular uniform just can’t do that.”

But the Superintendent’s office disagreed, telling a press conference: “We think the uniform is sharp, and, while we do give district commenders some leeway, this is not what we had in mind.

Superintendent spokesman Major Arnold LaPlace added:

“I mean, these officers weren’t even wearing shirts from the same year. Some of those shirts went as far back as the 80s. They’re nasty.”

Classic Powder Blues

But while many officers have objected to the change, none have gone so far as to abandon the new uniform all together.

But Babineaux is adament that his decision was the right one.

“Having these guys wear their old Jazz Fest shirts not only is a tribute to the city and its heritage, but it helps make them part of the community.”

“And to achieve some comfortability,” he added.

Babineaux and his staff are awaiting a decision by an arbitrator, expected to be released later this week.

Not On His Watch

In a letter to the legislature, Jindal threatened to veto “anything and everything that does not conform to this administration’s goals for a more effective and transparent state government.”

“We’ve been focused on the wrong things for too long and now this state is in an economic crisis,” Jindal added in his letter.

“Enough is enough. And it’s time for a change.”

This latest veto is just the latest in Jindal’s aggressive cutting. After vetoing a pay raise for State Legislators in April, this week Jindal also used his line-item veto authority 258 times, more than double the combined amount of such vetoes used in the last 12 years.

Meanwhile, lawmakers across the state are reacting with shock and anger.

“I’m shocked, and I’m angry,” said Sen. John Alario (D-Westwego), who had proposed an amendment to House Bill 1 to spend $16 million building a kitten “Museum, Resource Center, and Learning Annex” in his home district.

“These are necessary programs,” he added. “If we cut everything, then we’re left with nothing.”

Jindal defends his veto as being necessary to make life in the Pelican State less wasteful and more efficient.

“In tough times, we need to make tough choices,” said Jindal spokesperson Trey Williams.

“Do we really need kittens? Are they helping us educate our children, make our streets safer, or protect us against catastrophic storms? Of course not.”

And Jindal is already hinting that the cutting may not be finished.

“All options are on the table,” said one Senior Administration Official who spoke on condition of anonymity.

“We’re talking about LSU Football, Bass Fishing–maybe even King Cakes. Watch out.”