Back to Normal: Jefferson Parish
Resumes Nutria Genocide

In yet another sign that life in Jefferson Parish is returning to normal, the Sheriff’s Office today announced that it would immediately resume the killing of nutria in the parish’s canals.

“I know things have been crazy around here lately,” said Sheriff Harry Lee. “But it’s about time we get back to normal.”

“That’s why I’ve decided to instruct my deputies to resume randomly shooting nutria in public between the hours of 2 and 5 A.M.”

Deputies will start on Veterans Highway near the Orleans parish line and work their way west towards Kenner, shining high powered halogen lights into the canal and indiscriminately shooting the temporarily blinded animals.

The deputies on the Special Nutria Tactical Squad, mostly SWAT team snipers, had been temporarily reassigned to handle more pressing duties such as traffic control and property protection.

Deputy Frank Caravella, commanding officer of the nutria squad, said that, despite the 3-month layoff, his men will be ready.

“The boys can’t wait,” Caravella said. “It’s been way too long since we’ve lit up one of those hairy little bastards.”

“Frankly, I’m relieved,” said Metairie resident Maryanne Santangelo. “Just knowing that those [expletive] nutria aren’t running wild is going to make me sleep a whole lot better tonight.”