City to Gutterpunks: “Come Home”

The Mayor’s Office and the Vieux Carré Commission today announced a new program to help another part of New Orleans community get back to normal.

“Gutterpunks are an essential part of the fabric of our community,” said Harry Lesneffer, Chairman of the Vieux Carré Commission.

“To every glassy-eyed teenage runaway; to every pot-smoking trust fund baby in search of ‘the authentic’; to every sweaty, dreadlocked, patchouli-wearing, unemployed bassist with an underfed pit-bull and vicious body odor—we want to say to you: come home.”

The new program, called The Home for Gutterpunks (THG), will pay for dozens of city agents to scour the outdoor parks, parking lots, and dark corners of downtown Houston, Memphis, and Atlanta for any New Orleans-based gutterpunks who wish to return home.

Those who accept will be offered bus fare, half a bologna sandwich, and a warm beer.

They will also be given pieces of cardboard and black markers to create new signs for panhandling.

James “Whiskey” Turnbull, the Unofficial Spokesman of the Gutterpunk Diaspora was on hand at the press conference to lend his support.

“I grew up with a different Quarter,” states Turnbull, 25, who prefers to be called Whiskey.

“Kids across the country would hitchhike to the laid back Quarter, where the begging was easy and the people were happy to hand you a left-over beer as much as the shirt off their back.”

“This city has got something that nowhere else has,” added Whiskey wistfully. “And I hope we can get it back.”

“My brothers and sisters have missed our homes on the streets of the French Quarter. And, let’s be honest, there’s something the French Quarter has been missing since we left.”

Whiskey has recently organized a nationwide panhandling drive in all 50 states and Puerto Rico after Governor Blanco failed to include a section in ‘The Road Home’ plan specific for homeless teenage punk rockers.

Whiskey states that the Drive has exceeded his expectations, showing a coffee can with approximately 50 dollars inside.

“This is all going to the effort to bring home the Gutterpunks of the Big Easy. OK, I might buy a 40 with it, but I swear no smack will be purchased with these donations.”