Corps of Engineers to Rebuild Levees With Roman Candy

While Congress and outside flood control experts debate over funding and design, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers announced today their plan to make New Orleans impregnable to Category 5 hurricanes: Roman Candy.

“Many thought decades would pass before a solution could be found,” said Lt. Gen. Carl Strock, Commander and Chief of Engineers, U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

“But our team of scientists and engineers have worked around the clock to arrive at this definitive solution.”

While the plan may sound unusual, other countries have their own novel flood control methods.

The Dutch have employed massive, multi-billion dollar floodgates to protect their country, much of which is at or below sea level.

In order to stave off rising tides, Venetians are constructing 79 floating floodwalls, each weighing three hundred tons, with a total estimated building cost of $2.5 billion.

“The levees need to be repaired,” said Lt. Gen. Strock. “Sand bags, stone pilings, and other reinforcements have all failed in trying to patch the breaches.

“And since the United States doesn’t have the multi-billion dollar budgets of other countries, Roman Candy seems like the best way to go.”

Initial tests to levee models seemed ineffective, but once Corps engineers removed the rolled wax paper surrounding the dense treat, they started to see results.

Said one engineer, “I tried plugging my chewing gum in the leak (referring to the model). It worked for a couple seconds, but then the water pushed through.

“I was thinking we should just get a bigger wad of chewing gum, but then Bob suggested we use Roman Candy. That guy is a genius.”

Indeed, Roman Candy does seem cost effective at only 75¢ a stick. Plus, it’s a local business so it keeps government funds circulating within city limits.

Ron Kotteman, better known simply as The Roman Candy Man, has already received a no-bid contract for 4.5 million sticks, a mixed assortment of all three flavors: chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

Mr. Kotteman has been the one-man mobile business since his grandfather and founder, Sam Cortese, passed it down to him.

Trying to fulfill the order in a timely fashion, he can be seen working day and night beside the London Avenue Canal with Patsy, his mule and sole partner.

Hand-pulling the New Orleans delicacy at a feverish pace, Kotteman commented, “I’m thankful I don’t have to roll 4.5 million papers (referring to the unneeded wax packaging), but I think this job is taking a toll on Patsy.”