Local Shop Wins Big Federal Contract

Taking a cue from the enterprising criminal element of New Orleans, Federal agents from the Secret Service and Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms today announced a new contract to purchase firearms from Elliott’s Gun Shop on Jefferson Highway.

“In the past five years, guns from Elliott’s have been connected to more than 125 murder investigations and over 500 drug crimes in the New Orleans area,” said Agent Malcom Berglund of the ATF.

“Clearly, they offer quality products at reasonable prices that have a long track record of performing as advertised. That’s what we’re looking for in a federal government vendor.”

“The American taxpayer can rest assured that we’re getting the best possible prices. With Elliott’s latest big tent sale, we just drove up and browsed through hundreds of guns for as long as we wanted.”

But price wasn’t the only issue. Agent Berglund also cited the shop’s sterling reputation for customer service as another reason why they won the contract.

“Elliott’s really cuts out all that pesky red tape you get when trying to buy a gun at other stores.

“They fill out all the paperwork for you, including your signature. And they’ll even provide you with a brand new social security number, which is great because it’s kind of tricky to remember your own all the time.”

Agent Berglund expects to take delivery of the new firearms immediately. Federal agents have already been seen at the shop with a moving van, hauling off the government’s purchase of hundreds of firearms and thousands of rounds of ammunition.

The massive purchase must have been a huge financial windfall for store owner Herman Eicke. He and employees Timothy Harris and Rebecca Zitzman have not had to return to work since the government’s first visit last Wednesday.

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