Nash Roberts to Replace Aging Weather Satellite

Heeding the warnings of Bill Proenza, the recently reassigned Director of the National Hurricane Center, Senator Mary Landrieu has introduced legislation, S. 1509, to replace the aging weather satellite, QuikSCAT, which is already more than five years past its intended length of service and currently limps along on a back-up transmitter.

Her proposed replacement: Nash Roberts

If QuikSCAT falters, experts estimate that the accuracy of two-day forecasts will suffer by 10 percent and three-day forecasts by 16 percent, which translates into miles of coastline and the difference between a city being evacuated or not.

Knowing this, however, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), who controls QuikSCAT, has pushed back its replacement until 2016, creating growing public concern.

“The American people look to the government to provide accurate warnings of impending disaster, and expect every tool necessary to do the job right to be made available to the forecasters,” stated Sen. Landrieu.

“Nash is the best chance Earth has against hurricanes. The technology has not been invented that can beat him. He’s never wrong!”

Bill S. 1509 proposes Nash be rocketed into space armed only with a simple black marker and paper map. There, through the window of his space pod, it’s assumed he can more easily assess the movement of hurricanes and quickly relay the data back down to Earth.

Naturally, the unorthodox bill has its critics. NOAA Administrator Conrad Lautenbacher said:

“Nash Roberts is 90 years old. He’s been retired like 5 times. I know people call him ‘the Weather God’ but that doesn’t make him immortal.”

Landrieu claims, however, that Earth’s thin atmosphere should provide Nash with the environment he needs to hold out until 2016 when he can be replaced by newer technology.

“Haven’t you seen the movie ‘Contact’? The old guy in that went into space and lived longer because of the low-gravity. Nash is going to do the same thing.”

The Senate Commerce Committee is expected to discuss S. 1509 as part of a hearing on weather satellites this Wednesday.