Op-Ed: “It’s My Space, That’s Why They Call It MySpace”
by The Honorable C. Ray Nagin, Jr.

Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, but now I am pissed.

I am fed up with the nay-sayers and the negative media. In my day, this would be considered trash-talking, and, frankly, I’m going to confront the slander.

It seems every time I want to have a little fun and cut loose a little bit, I get a barrage of negativity that borders on the insane. It can be anything from my downtime on Fridays to this recent hub-bub my myspace page concerning pictures from my Jamaican get-away last summer.

Is it a crime to sunbathe? I ask you, is it a crime to wander outside in your birthday suit while glazed in oil? Finally, is it a crime to pose proactively for one’s wife, a woman who loves you more dearly than any woman outside your mama? I think not.

Look, I’m not just a Mayor; I’m a grown-ass man. And if I want to expound various pics or my point of view via MySpace or outer space or whatever space, I should have that right.

Full Story » »

Op-Ed: “Don’t Call Me Mister”
by The Mississippi River Gulf Outlet

Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.

Now I know there’s been a lot of controversy about the job I’ve been doing and there’s a lot of talk about shutting me down forever with a big dam.

I’m a big boy. I can handle criticism. But I want to set the record straight one thing.

Don’t call me Mister.

My father was “Mister” Go. You can call me Terence. Terence Go.

Full Story » »

Op-Ed: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Caused Katrina
by The Honorable C. Ray Nagin, Jr.

I’m gonna say it once. I’m gonna say it publicly. And I am gonna say it in plain black and white: You-Know-Who caused Katrina.

Many people may laugh at me. Many people may try to hush me up or brush me aside or send dementors after me. But I am not demented, and I am not going to Azkaban without a fight.

I have on my desk a just-published 759-page report which chronicles the history and motivations of a mad-man out to get us. While the names in the book have been changed, you’d have to be under a Confundus Charm not to see the codes of warning hidden in its pages.

Many government officials may dismiss the findings in this report, calling it a “book for children,” but I’m not going to make the same mistakes the Ministry of Magic made by ignoring the facts.

There’s a squib on my staff—that is to say, a person of wizarding heritage who lacks magical ability—and this squib believes we muggles—members of the non-wizarding community—must act now before our world is taken over by the Dark Lord.

Now, it’s a very long, complicated report; and, like I said, all the names in it have been changed since the real names are currently being “tracked” by the wizarding community as a way to prevent us from planning any counter-attack.

Full Story » »

Letter to the Editor: I Am Wrongingly Accused
And Needing Your Help
by Congressman William Jefferson

Editor’s Note: This Letter to the Editor arrived in our inbox marked as “SPAM.” We publish it here as a public service.

TO: editor@thecreoletomato.com
FROM: wjefferson@house.gov
SUBJ: I Am Wrongingly Accused and Needing Your Help

For urgent business relationship:

I must solicit your strictest confidence in this Transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and ‘top secret’. I am sure and have confidence of your ability and reliability to prosecute a transaction of this great magnitude involving a pending transaction requiring maxiimum confidence.

I am top official of the federal government who is wrongingly accused of bribing a foreign official of the Government of Nigeria. But I am innocent of these charges. It is not us who is corrupt, but rather that Nigeria Government! Full Story » »

Letter to the Editor: New Orleans Needs Starbucks

Dear Editor,

In reference to your story entitled “Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets,” I for one would like to applaud commitment of the Starbucks Corporation to the recovery of the City of New Orleans.

At a time when outside investment is scarce, Starbucks is making a bold choice to support the city in our time of gravest need.

Not that I have any personal experience dealing with the grumblings of an insular, isolationist populace in the face of true progress, but I imagine that it must be very difficult for anyone who wants to create a restaurant-style experience that New Orlenians would have to travel to Houston or Baton Rouge to find.

Recall if you will the heated contention between local celebutard luddite Anne Rice and visionary restaurateur Al Copeland just a few short years ago.

Mr. Copeland has remained to rebuild New Orleans. Ms. Rice, in contrast, has fled to California to write either erotica or religious-themed fiction, whatever it is exactly she’s writing now.

Sincerely and Love That Chicken,

Hal Mopeland
Mandeville, LA

Related Story: Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets

Creole-Tomato Finishes 37th in Pulitzer Voting, Resumes Publishing after Protest

After a period of protest following the announcement of the 2005 Pulitzer Prizes for Journalism, the Creole-Tomato resumed publishing today.

The protest began when cross-town rival paper The Times-Picayune was awarded two Pulitzer Prizes — journalism’s highest honor — for public service and breaking news.

“Everybody wants to slap the Times-Picayune on the back. Courageously riding out the storm, piling in the back of delivery trucks, blah, blah, blah,” said a co-editor of the Tomato who declined to be identified.

“We’re here too,” he continued. “And some of our correspondents are still living on boats.”

The Times-Picayune also won a gold medal for meritorious public service. Full Story » »

Op-Ed: My House Gutting Sign is the Best
by Harry Breedlove, Out-of-Town Contractor

The other day, I took a break from hammering election-style advertisements on the Argonne Street neutral ground and looked around.

There are many signs up in New Orleans right now, but of all the signs out there, my sign is the best.

Why? Because against a sea of competitors offering precisely the same service that I do, I stand out.

First of all, I chose a powerful, bold typeface for the words “HOUSE GUTTING.”

My sign has a huge phone number. That’s really important, especially in a neighborhood with no working stoplights.

My sign is purple and gold like LSU. You have to play on people’s allegiances.

All those other signs have way too many words on them. Nobody cares if you’re “Fully Licensed, Bonded, and Insured.” It’s just too many words for people to read. Full Story » »

Op-Ed: Let ‘Em Have It
by The Special Man

Much has been written about what to do with looters now that the City of New Orleans is returning back to normal. Some argue for stiff penalties, while others advocate leniency as long as the merchandise can be returned.

But to truly understand this question we must put ourselves in the mindset of the looter.

Imagine if you were caught in the middle of the flood. What would you have been thinking?

My home and livelihood have been destroyed.
My city is in chaos.
My life is in danger.

But I could use a new flat-screen TV and DVD entertainment center. Full Story » »