GULF OF MEXICO – As BP executives, federal, state and local officials fight the catastrophic oil spill weeks after the explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, South Louisiana fishermen prepare for the worst: an empty marsh.
With the oils spill potentially eradicating Lousiana’s normally abundant supply of oysters, crabs, shrimp, redfish, and speckled trout, fishers and associated tradesmen look to new careers and new livelihoods.
The blank canvas of a crude filled marsh is foremost in the minds of the entrepreneurial Louisianan.
“I’m a put the cooking oil industry outta business, me,” said Captain Bo Theriot of Venice, La. “My reds come pre-greased…just drop ‘em in the pan!”
Developer Audrey Sabine, of Sabine Omican, LLC, has a different approach. Her firm, SOL, has produced renderings of a crawfish farm replete with surrounding rice paddies, Buddhist Temples, and on the spot cryogenic freezers.
SOL reportedly has the backing of US representative Ahn “Joseph” Cao.
“If we can’t catch fresh seafood,” said Sabine, “we might as well grow fresh seafood.”
It has also been reported that Eric Overmeyer of HBO is penning a televsion series that will tell the story of BP, Halliburton, and the people of Southern Louisiana to be released approximatley five years from the date of the explosion. The series, working title, “Tidewater Road” will amble about the lives of affected citizens of Venice and spend quite a bit of time on character development.
NEW ORLEANS — Public Health officials are scrambling to combat the outbreak of a mysterious illness that forced the entire State of Louisiana to call in sick on Monday, February 8th.
“This illness appears to have a sudden onset but presents with no major symptoms to speak of,” said Dr. Pierre Buekens of the Tulane University School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine.
“The State reported fatigue, muscle weakness, mild headache, a loss of voice, and a pronounced state of god-like euphoria. But these symptoms are common and can be associated with any number of conditions.”
“It truly is mysterious,” he added.
In the meantime, New Orleans health officials are taking no chances.
While urging the public to remain calm, Mayor-elect Landrieu has announced that all SDT cleaning trucks will now have a special antibacterial agent added to their street soap sprayers.
“The antibiotic has a natural lemony scent, so the public should notice no difference,” he said.
Reached for comment, the State of Louisiana said that it is feeling “pretty damn good.” But it did add that it may not go into work on Tuesday either.
POYDRAS STREET — For many years, Carnival-goers shouted a signature phrase to passing floats in hopes of attracting throws. All that revelry may end soon, however, due to a potentially precedent-setting lawsuit filed today in U.S. Eastern District Court in downtown New Orleans.
Disney Corporation today announced the filing of a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against William “Bill” Marchese and his wife, Pootie, both 78, of Gentilly. The Company claims the couple have infringed on their intellectual property rights every year since 1943 by shouting the phrase “Throw Me Something Mister” at parades.
Disney has sent the couple a “cease and desist” letter and has filed for millions in damages. They are seeking to join the couple’s neighbors, The Tapintos, also in their 70s, as co-defendants.
The letter reads, in part:
“The phrase ‘Throw my something [Mister]‘ (hereafter: “the phrase”) represents the creativity and hard work of persons long-employed by the Disney company, who has included the phrase in its scripted Theme Park parade experiences since 1982.
“As such, the Disney corporation reserves the right to determine who employs the phrase, when the phrase is employed, and for what purpose.”
As to why these couples were targeted as part of Disney’s legal effort is unclear. A Disney spokesperson familiar with the matter said simply:
“While there are many instances of the phrase’s unauthorized usage, we know that these individuals have been recklessly throwing this phrase around for years without any consideration for those who invented and cultivated it.”
When reached on the porch of his home, Mr. Marchese, a retired phone company employee, said simply: “They crazy.”
Anna Williamson, spokesperson for the Mayor’s tourism office, called the suit “absurd” and “opportunistic.”
Mr. Tapinto, the couple’s neighbor, simply replied “[Expletive] those guys.”
Similarly, Tina Finch, of Willkes Barre, PA, seen exposing herself at the Mystic Krewe of Perseus parade, said that she felt the suit was “random” but that, “whatever, there are other ways of getting beads, you know?”
Every so often, The Creole-Tomato asks residents for their local reaction to a national event. This time, we asked the nation to react to a dramatic local event: the Saints making the Superbowl for the first time in their history.
“Well, frankly, it’s nice to hear that New Orleans isn’t asking for my hard-earned tax money to waste on corrupt construction projects. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get in my car and drive through $10 billion Big Dig tunnel.”
-Francis O’Riordan, Nurse, Boston
“New Orleans? Hm…doesn’t ring a bell, sorry.”
Craig Fugate, Administrator of FEMA, Washington, D.C.
“Playoffs? Playoffs? Are you kidding me?”
-James Mora, Sr., Retired, Seattle
So how’s it going down there? Is it all fixed yet?”
-Sharon Mickolajczyk, Travel Agent, Kenosha, WI
C-T Editors’ Note: Are you local? Do you have a reaction? Don’t feel left out! Click “leave comment” in the lower right-hand corner or fill in the box below.
UNITED MEXICAN STATES — As Tropical Storm Ida bears down on the Gulf Coast, Mexican Border Patrols have begun a stepped up campaign to thwart the expected massive illegal immigration of Grande Isle & Greater N.O. refugees.
We’ve seen this before. Texas has never fully recovered from this mess since ’05,” reports Lt. F. Corano of the Mexican Border Patrol.
“Mexico’s border towns are upstanding areas that are truly beginning to blossom as possible commercial headquarters. These New Orleans refugees just seem to be fascinated with partying and carousing. You can forget about actual work coming from these people. If I remember right, we had to actually send some of our best workers over there to clean things up. ”
The local reaction has vastly differed. Discussions with multiple area residents who are planning to immigrate has produced multiple ambitious entrepreneurial plans to improve their new found home. Full Story »
WAREHOUSE DISTRICT — In an ominous de facto annexation of adjacent properties near Andrew Higgins Drive in the heart of New Orleans Art District the National World War 2 Museum expanded its borders on Friday, November 6th.
Though the construction efforts of the long-stifled museum’s executive regime gave away the museum’s menacing imperial goals, the former property owners of the nearby lots are being criticized for their apathy.
In early 2008, the museum had consolidated its power on Higgins drive and was ready to reach out to fulfill its long-planned expansion. After a lengthy period of pressure the museum met Kurt Schuschnigg, owner of several buildings in the 900 block of Magazine Street and demanded he sell. The museum threatened military action.
Schuschnigg gave in, “ Mr. Chamberlain, my real estate guy, advised me. He said ’Sell.’ Once they have that block, they’ll be satisified and we’ll never hear from them again.’”
Blogger Jason Barry. There but for the grace of God go we.
Following the outing of local writer Jason Barry—or as he is better known by his noms de blogge, Ashe Dambala and American Zombie—over a libel suit, The Creole-Tomato wants to inform the public and anyone we’ve ever written about that if you want us to take anything down, just let us know.
In striving to provide New Orleans’ Localest News, we’ve written a lot of stuff over the past four years. Some might say not enough (especially recently).
Some of our stories have offended. Like that story we wrote about Paw Paw’s Camper City selling defective trailers to FEMA on a no-bid contract. Turns out that Paw Paw’s got lawyers. They got in touch and we folded like a Maison Blanche seersucker, removing the story and promising never to make mention of it again.
Whoops. Sorry, Paw Paw.
So we just want to let everybody who’s somebody out there know: if there’s something we’ve written that you don’t like and you know somebody with an “Esq” behind their name and some stationery, we’re ready to roll over.
The World Health Organization has reported the spread of 1,658 confirmed cases of the H1N1 influenza virus from Mexico. Â What do you think?
“This is why I don’t eat the filthy motherf*#kers.”
-C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“But it’s safe to eat a cochon de lait po-boy, right? Right?”
-Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!”
-Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“We’ll be fine. Everybody knows there are no Mexicans in New Orleans.”
-Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
“Damn. I knew I shouldn’t have kissed that ‘Girls Gone Wild’ cameraman in Cancun.”
-Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
C-T Editors’ Note: Are you local? Do you have a reaction? Don’t feel left out! Click “leave comment” in the lower right-hand corner or fill in the box below.
NEW ORLEANS FAIRGROUNDS — Quint Davis, producer and director of the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival, today announced a new program with the Whitney Bank to offer low-interest financing to individuals seeking to buy tickets for this year’s JazzFest.
Tickets for the 2009 Festival are $40 in advance, $50 at the gate. In 1996, tickets were $10 in advance, $15 at the gate.
“Every year, we hear complaints from the local community about high ticket prices,” said Davis.
“But if you want to see innovative, relevant, and of-the-moment artists like Tony Bennett and Dave Matthews Band, unfortunately you have to pay a premium.”
“For gosh sake, we’ve got Earth, Wind, and Fire this year,” he added.
According to the 47-page application document, lines of credit with a 19.99% introductory APY are available to all applicants with qualifying credit scores.
But terms and conditions apply, according to Whitney Bank CEO John C. Hope.
“The application is long, but it’s all standard boilerplate,” said Mr. Hope. “Just sign your name and you’ll be in the Fest in no time.”
“Trust us, we’re a bank,” he added.
Hope says that Whitney Bank plans to bundle and securitize the loans and re-sell them as investments to large institutional investors and foreign sovereign governments.
“We think these will be great investments,” Hope said.
“Everybody knows that a New Orleanian will always pay you back when you loan them money.”
BAYOU ST JOHN — Can Monique Grosch, a down-on-her-luck woman of Gentilly, whose king cake slice was loaded with eight babies this week afford to buy eight cakes for her co-workers?
It’s a question being raised today with the discovery of court documents showing that the woman filed for bankruptcy last year.
Co-workers have informed The Creole-Tomato that the octuplets’ mother is single, in her 30s, and already owes six other king cakes to various acquaintances.
“I can count two times she got a baby in her cake and never even considered bringing a fresh King Cake,” reported Ms. Grosch’s supervisor Ricky Dufrene. “That’s against the rules!”
Ms. Grosch works as a inventory specialist at a kitchen equipment supplier in Harahan.
“No matter what your income, when you are ‘blessed’ enough to get the baby in the cake, it is always an expensive proposition,” said Tricia Taramino, the Harahan company’s administrative assistant.
CITY HALL — The overall cleanliness of The Quarter has become the latest political football in the budget battle between The Mayor and The Council.
Mayor Nagin argues that there’s fat to be trimmed in the city sanitation budget. The City Council aims to maintain the “Disney-like” cleaning that has won raves from locals and visitors since it debuted two years ago.
The sanitation contractor, SDT Waste & Debris Services has not been fired. But operations will certainly be scaled back.
Sidney Torres IV, the glamorous president of SDT, isn’t concerned about “how this smells.”
“Look, Mayor Nagin and I are both famous, so we are gonna work this out. That’s what famous people do,” said Mr. Torres through his publicist.
Torres went on to describe a new cleaning strategy.
“My executives and I have been meeting every afternoon to discuss our plan. Though we’ve spent millions in mechanical equipment to provide the Quarter with a “Disney” package, we are just about ready to present a new compromise package that we hope is acceptable to C. Ray and the Council.”
“I call it: A Jazzland-like clean,” he added.
“Government’s gonna love it, and the people who live in and visit the quarter are gonna love it too. It has a more New Orleans feel. For example, we’ll pick up the Hand Grenade bottles, but drop the lemon-spray.”
“The way I grew up, Bourbon Street is supposed to smell like piss and shame,” said Torres. “We want to bring some of that back.”
Torres will present his proposal to the Mayor’s office and the City Council on Wednesday via satellite hookup from the Kid Rock compound in Hollywood.
ABITA SPRINGS, Louisiana — A mere two weeks after a devastating explosion in the Abita Brewing Company’s facilities, the premier Louisiana brewer’s new line of beer has hit supermarket shelves in the Greater New Orleans area.
“Reciprocity Ale,” a new pale ale from the famed microbrewer, is be released with a community-minded caveat.
For every dollar earned by the sale of “Reciprocity Ale,” Abita Brewing Company will require the purchaser to contribute an additional dollar to the explosion recovery effort being undertaken by the Abita Brewing Comany.
“We figure just like ‘Restoration Ale’ was able to help the city of New Orleans, the City of New Orleans is able to help us,” Brewmaster Chip “Turbo” Cusimano said in a press conference launching the product.
“You scratch my back, New Orleans–I mean, we scratch your back, New Orleans. You get the idea.”
“It’s about recovery,” Cusimano added.
Though there were no reported injuries in the beer accident, a community presence was felt. Clean up crews rushed in carrying funnels and straws.
“With Mardi Gras around the corner and all that beer just sitting there on the floor–it really makes you question, you know, about God and stuff,” said one volunteer who refused to identify himself.
UPTOWN — The protesting parishoners of St. Henry and Our Lady of Good Council Catholic Churches have reached a new agreement with the Archdiocese of New Orleans to save their churches from closure.
The parishoners, whose 72-hour occupation of the church ended on January 6th after they were bodily evicted by officers of the NOPD, have enlisted the assistance of defrocked pastor cum French Quarter character Pierre Mesmerado of 712 Dauphine Street.
The plans of “Father Pierre,” as he is known in the quarter, are as yet unknown. But a good reverend tells The Creole-Tomato that he has “had a vision of strip malls.”
“The old churches could make use of excess space with a build-out around the core of the existing nave,” said Father Pierre. “We even have word from building development agents immediately identifying several interested tenants.”
Leasing expert Judas Negerski stated that long-term leases have been partially executed with Holiday Inn Express franchise specializing in 4 hour rentals.
The other two notable institutions that have made funded offers are Planned Parenthood and Monty’s Exotic Videos & Novelties.
Amazingly enough, these two churches now have an abundance of priests available for service.
Whereas in the last fifteen years the calling has seen fewer and fewer individuals called into the priesthood, it is reported that the Vatican believes that such an approach may be the beginning of a new found stability an increasing number of priests for the Catholic congregations throughout the world.
Reached for comment, Archbishop Alfred Hughes of the New Orleans Archdioceses issued statements that sounded markedly like a confession and then later could not be reached.
Jan 28: New Orleans watches US President George W. Bush’s final State of the Union address. Tuners-in express how they will miss his adorable way of running the country.
Feb 03: Native son Eli Manning forgoes Mardi Gras for a previously schedule appointment in Arizona. The Creole-Tomato learns Mr. Manning has been spending all his time with a bunch of damn yankees, which calls into question his appreciation of his beleaguered home town. We’re just sayin’….
March 15: Protesting Guatemalan farmers release four Belgian tourists they had taken hostage on Thursday
April 26: Long lines form at the New Orleans’ Jazz and Heritage Festival’s Couchon De Lait booth
May Sometime: The Honorable C. Ray Nagin forgot to call his mother.
June 27: Hot. Damn hot. Humid too.
July 12: Tony Campo’s Christmas in July sale in full swing.
August 17: LSU student Michael Phelps captures Olympic Gold, goes on to perform on Broadway in New York.
Sept 2: Nagin and Jindal lauded for getting everyone out. Garland lambasts Nagin and Jindal for not letting us back in. Now no one will leave again. This is getting weird.
Oct 22: In response to economic down turn, Manny Randazzo returns to baking King Cakes during carnival season only.
Nov 4: My brother’s birthday coincides with my new nephew’s.
Nov 27: After 33 years, area man discovers he has no taste for turkey gumbo.
Dec 10: Al Copeland executor’s fears are realized when he must direct the installation of Christmas lights on Metairie tomb.
I-10 CORRIDOR — At a downtown gala today, LSU Medical Center spokesperson Charles Weze, unveiled the institution’s two-part plan tthe devastated New Orleans’s health care system.
First, evict residents from their homes in a historic downtown area of the city.
Second, wait for a handout from the federal government.
“It’s quite simple,” said Weze. “There is an extensive area of neighborhoods near the LSU health care region and the old VA. We would simply like to ask all the people of these neighborhoods to go to hell.”
“We’ve heard all the excuses,” continued Weze. “‘I just spent the last 3 years renovating my house since the storm,’ and my own personal favorite: ‘Can’t you rebuild in the same areas as the prior hospitals.’”
“On behalf of LSU Health Sciences, I would like to state that we have officially put our hands to ours ears and started sing-songing: ‘We cant hear you, we cant hear you.’”
MANHATTAN, New York — Under the towering leadership of billionaire mayor Michael Bloomberg, New York City has seen economic issues ebb and flow during the last seven years. Bloomberg, a businessman by trade has invigorated the post-9/11 metropolis by strong development initiatives and small business support.
Given the recent collapse of Wall Street, New Yorkers, and Americans for that matter, are looking to the inscrutable Mayor Mike for ideas.
“We’ve met success in a wavering financial climate when we reached out across our city limits for mutually beneficial programming,” said Mayor Mike while presenting an 88-page Power Point deck.
“The best example is the Charlotte-New York compact on real estate development capital prospecti. Or the Puerto Rico-5 Borough teacher exchange and salary boost. And we’re finally underway on the tax exemptions in Pennsylvania as well.”
But the big news is a scheme dreamed up by the New York City Tourism Board to launch the First Annual Krewe of Macy’s Mardi Gras-Style Thanksgiving Day Parade.
LAFAYETTE SQUARE — After 18 months of bidding wars and lawsuits, The Creole-Tomato is proud to announce that on Wednesday our executive board closed the $15 million purchase of The New Orleans Levee and two other weekly newspapers in St. Paul, Minnesota.
The sale has allowed The Creole-Tomato access to The Levee’s publication plants and circulation of 18,700.
The new company will be called Creole-Levee Holdings, LLC.
“Fortunately with pre-existing structure of the New Orleans Levee, the reading public should see no significant change,” said Stroelitz M. Allen, Chairman and CEO ofThe Creole-Tomato.
“It’s as if the takeover was made up. Fictitous, in a way. And to be fair, the New Orleans Levee had a good run.”
President-elect Barack Obama began moving Wednesday to build his administration and make good on his ambitious promises to point This Great Land of Ours in a different direction.
Who do you think who make a good part of Team Obama?
“Two words – Sarah Palin, Secretary of Hotness.”
-Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
“How about Bobby Jindal?”
-Bobby Jindal, Governor, Kenner/East Baton Rouge Parish
“Well, there ought to be some Republicans somewhere, I think. Did you see the Senate results? Oh, man. More like Grand Ol’ Funeral.”
-Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“What an historic election! Yes We Can! Go Bama! I can not believe I lived to see the day a Communist Arab took the presidency! Hail Marx! Long Live Che! Roll Tide!”
-Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
“Don’t blame me. I voted for William Jefferson.”
-Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
C-T Editors’ Note: Are you local? Do you have a reaction? Don’t feel left out! Click “leave comment” in the lower right-hand corner or fill in the box below.
JEFFERSON Â – As Halloween approaches the Big un-Easy, residents are expressing concern about the potential collapse of one of New Orleans’ revered institutions.
With stock market prices all over the map and the US economic crisis sending mortgage-backed security backwash throughout Europe and Asia, the Treasury Department today announced an emergency plan to bail out the House of Shock.
Original founded by homegrown thrash metal band Pantera in the mid-1980s, House of Shock flourished as an upstart and eventually showed itself as an able competitor of the mainstay Sheriff Foti’s Haunted House.
Though controversial, the bailout package was immediately endorsed by both presidential candidates Senators Obama and McCain.
But will the bailout work? According to House of Shock CFO Marjorie Killgore, positive effects are not likely to be felt immediately and layoffs are certain.
“It’s just that this work is seasonal, you know,” said an out of work disembodied hand. “But I’m optimistic, I’ll find something.”
This is America after all,” he added.
Legislators stressed strict controls and oversight would be put into effect immediately.
“The last thing we need is some emaciated, re-animated corpse doling out high dollar bonus packages to his bonesaw toting minions,” said Louisiana Congressman Bill Jefferson.
GRETNA, Louisiana — The local Mexican-American population of Jefferson Parish will have something to raise Hell about this Halloween.
State Representative John LaBruzzo (R-Metairie), who most recently proposed paying poor women to have their fallopian tubes tied, is now calling for the post-Katrina Mexican population of New Orleans to give up their traditional November 2nd holiday, Dios des los Meurtos, or Day of the Dead.
Day of the Dead falls on All Souls Day — Nov. 2 — and is celebrated with particular gusto in Mexico, where families visit cemeteries to offer food and flowers for their lost relatives, whose portraits are placed on altars at home.
Day of the Dead has centuries of tradition, combining All Souls Day with two pre-Hispanic holidays in honor of the dead. It is a festive rather than sad occasion, and with support from local Roman Catholic Churches, the tradition runs strong.
But LaBruzzo wonders if this post-Halloween tradition is good for New Orleans.
“New Orleans is a wholesome, family-oriented city, and our citizens have no use for this sense of the macabre,” he said.
“In Mexico, there’s a long tradition of vampires in literature and TV; they give names like “Voodoo” to their football teams and festivals; and they ride buses called ‘Cemetaries.’ They even use convicts to scare kids in haunted houses.”
“These are not the type of things that would be acceptable to the good people of our town,” he added.
When reached for comment, local Mexican-American community leaders said: “Chupa me, puto.”
SOUTH SHORE HARBOR — If you hear the bone-rattling sound of the old New Orleans Zephyr in the air over the next few months, it’s not your nostalgic imagination.
After much debate about where to produce their next project, the former New Orleans based production company Butter & Pickles Only Entertainment has decided to return to their home town to make their film, “Pontchartrain Screech.”
The movie will be shot entirely in the city with production scheduled to start in September.
“Pontchartrain Screech” is a thriller loosely based on the famous French play “Huis Clos” by Jean-Paul Sartre.
Except much bloodier.
It explores the darker nature of relationships as a couple gets trapped in the long since demolished amusement park where they blindly torture each other by prodding each other’s past sins.
Meanwhile, an unknown freak-show-style killer is on the loose.
With the executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer on board, success is almost garaunteed.
“We’ve got the old Pirates of the Carribean crew recreating Pontchartrain Beach exactly as it used be, but spookier and more exaggerated. To call it cartoonish would be an understatement,” Bruckheimer let on.
Co-owners of the local production company, Landy “Butter” Rhodes and Capshaw “Pickles” Bertrand, are eager to continue being a part of the growing film industry in Louisiana.
U.S. Rep. William Jefferson overcame the stigma of a federal bribery indictment in Louisiana’s Democratic primary on Saturday, garnering enough votes in his New Orleans-based congressional district to secure a spot in a Nov. 4 runoff.
Jefferson, seeking his 10th term in Congress, faces a December trial on charges that he took bribes, laundered money and misused his congressional office for business dealings in Africa.
What do you think?
“I’m not sure if she’s qualified. How big is her freezer?”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“Does Moreno have any crooked brothers or sisters? That might help.”
–Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
UNITED STATES CONGRESS DISTRICT #2 — Congressional Representative hopeful and former WDSU reporter Helena Moreno has vowed that, along with her desire to restore health care, repair our levee system, and clean up the stifling corruption of the state’s political system, she will be also be taking great strides to make Louisiana politics “just that little bit more stylish.”
Hoping to garner swing votes from former Hillary Clinton supporters, Moreno has announced that she has officially joined the “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits.”
Right wing political pundits may have blogged extensively about Moreno’s inexperience, but they nearly always begrudgingly admit that she is not only a top-notch orator, but also always sartorially appropriate.
NOVDAA Support Moreno
Most of Moreno’s locally famous former colleagues have thrown their weight behind the cherubic blonde’s Congressional attempt.
Long-time WDSU anchor Alec Gifford says: “Look, Susan Roesgen was classy, no doubt about it, but when Helena came along? Whoa, that lady had panache, if I was 20 years younger, what I wouldn’t….”
Former colleague Investigative Reporter Richard Angelico told the C-T that he personally felt like a “slob” working next to Ms. Moreno.
“CNN, Congress, couture,’ said Angelico. “Helena was going somewhere, and we could only just sit back and watch. About the only person who could keep up was Roop [Raj].”
Mr. Raj was unavailable for comment as he was in New York City’s Bryant Park for Fashion Week 2008.
Moreno has secured the endorsements of The Washington Post, Gambit Weekly, and The New Orleans Levee, and the Marrero Chapter of the New Orleans Voodoo Dolls Alumnae Association (NOVDAA).
RE RENEW NEW ORLEANS is a simple concept for a complicated time: solidarity. A commitment to hope and a public affirmation of the past, present, and future of New Orleans. Buy a sticker and contribute directly to the Creole-Tomato Fried Chicken and Beer fund. Personally broadcast a statement: New Orleans will be rebuilt, and faith will be restored. There can’t be any future for New Orleans without this website, and we hope this to be one small step towards bringing it back. Re Renew New Orleans. Now.
110 % of the sale price will go directly to the Creole-Tomato Fried Chicken and Beer Fund.
HOUMA, Louisiana — As the tree limbs are cleaned up and the elecricity is being restored, life here is already beginning to take on a semblance of normalcy.
But beneath the surface, the town that dodged Katrina and Rita has its own new reality to contend with–something residents and community leaders are calling “Post-G.”
After suffering only limited damage in the two storms that will define life in Louisiana for a generation, Houma finally has an malaise to call its own.
“People here were really starting to feel left out,” said Houma City Council member R. Breau “Chip” Badeaux.
“All the other towns to our east and to our west were able to wear their wounds like badges of honor. Now we’ve got our own thing to make us shellshocked and interesting to the outside world.”
MIAMI, Florida – Hurricane Ike was downgraded to a Category Three storm today, which means more nervous days of watching and worrying for the American media-industrial complex.
The smaller the force of the storm, the lower the potential ratings for the 24-hour news channels desperate to fill up their airwaves with anything that even closely resembles real news.
“National Hurricane Center calls them Saffir-Simpson scale numbers, but they might as well be Neilsen ratings points,” said CNN Managing Editor Brian Stelter.
“A Category 3 storm will give us a 3 houseold, 5 share easy,” he added.
“The best thing that could happen would be a Cat 5, giving us a 5 Neilsen Household, 8 or 9 share.”
GREEN BAY, Wisconsin — The New Orleans convention and hospitality industry suffered its first official Gustav-related casualty today.
The North American Chapter of the International Cheesemakers Guild (ICG) announced that they would be cancelling their Fall International Cheese Festival–originally scheduled to take place at Razzoo’s Bar & Patio on Bourbon Street.
ICG spokesperson Larry Bonderant announced that although the group tried everything it could to keep the cheesefest “where it belonged,” the damage caused by Gustav had made it necessary to move.
“We wanted the world to see that Razzoo’s has collected some of the finest examples of cheese on a nightly basis. But unfortunately, we’ll have to do it another time.”
Bonderant said that no final alternate location has been chosen, but the finalists are all located in Dallas, Houston, and Atlanta.
The Staff of the Creole-Tomato, in somber recognition of this grim 3-year anniversary of the storm, has beat the streets in an effort to find out what the community is doing to mark the occasion.
Mother’s Restaurant on Poydras Street in the CBD will officially rename the ‘Debris’ po’ boy the ‘SDT.’
Jody Marino, of Lake Terrace, will call his sister, residing since August 29th 2005 in Columbia, South Carolina, and have a brief, awkward conversation.
The Lakefront Arena Aquatics Center of the East Campus of the University of New Orleans will continue anticipate repairs from damage caused by Hurricane Katrina in 2005.
Mayor Eddie Price of Mandeville, Louisiana will attend an AA Meeting at Holy Trinity Church, North of Hwy 21 S & I-12 in Covington, so as not to be witnessed at 3300 Monroe Street, the meeting place of the Mandeville District 12 Chapter.
C. Ray Nagin, The Honorable Mayor of The City of New Orleans, will be on “downtime.”
As of press time, meterologists are predicting that Hurricane Gustav could set its sights on the still-shellshocked City of New Orleans. What do you think?
“Maybe we should stop giving storms Russian names. Just a thought.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“No worries, man. We got reservations at the Astrodome.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“Define ‘mandatory.’”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“OMG! WTF! Do I have 2 go back 2 Long Island?”
–Nikki Feinstein, Tulane Student
“Oooh! I can’t wait for Anderson Cooper to come back to town.”
–Lance Fratinelli, Freelance Jewelry Designer, Fabourg-Marigny
COVINGTON, Louisiana – The US Military Health Sciences provided a big shot in the arm today to the New Orleans health care system in the form of huge cash infusion for an extensive study on local resident Pierre Arceneaux.
Mr. Arceneaux’s seemingly low-key lifestyle as a bait supplier to regional game shops has drawn intense scrutiny from Army scientists after he was on featured on a WWL-TV human-interest segment discussing his nearly 3-year record of subsisting only exclusively on left over post-Katrina MREs.
“I don’t see what the big deal is about all this, but if the government wants to study me for some cash. Sure, I guess,” Mr. Arceneaux told the C-T.
CITY HALL — According to highly placed administration sources, Mayor C. Ray Nagin has started planning a two-week overseas trip to bolster his flagging image at home and to look “more Mayoral.”
The trip would begin on August 29th, 2008.
Planning is still “in the early, fixin’-to-get-ready-to stage,” according to the source, but several foreign governments have already been contacted about the possibility of the mayor making public appearances and speeches in front of famous landmarks.
Famous backdrops under consideration for Nagin’s speeches include the Toblerone chocolate factory in Switzerland and the site where the Little Dutch Boy stuck his finger in the dyke.
“We want the City of New Orleans–no, the world–to see C. Ray Nagin for what he truly is: global citizen, humanitarian, and smooth-talking cultured man,” said a high-ranking Nagin administration official.
“It worked for Obama, didn’t it? What’s the big difference between him and us?”
RIVERFRONT — One week after a massive oil slick at the foot of Canal Street crippled commerce up and down the Mississippi River, investigators with the U.S. Coast Guard and the National Transportation Safety Board still don’t know exactly what happened.
Now an anonymous Coast Guard source tells The Creole-Tomato that investigators are moving away from the so-called “Collision and Sunken Barge” Theory and taking a closer look at an unreported explosion at Central Grocery in the 900 block of Decatur Street.
According to the source close to the investigation, an enormous explosion took place in the secret muffaletta kitchen of the legendary Crescent City purveyor of Italian delights early Wednesday.
Coast Guard investigators first got suspicious when several ships with Greek registries were seen soaking up parts of the oil spill with what appeared to be paper towels.
When officials boarded the Greek vessels, they discovered that they were actually pieces of pita bread.
The spill of 400,000 gallons of diesel fuelinto the waters of the Mississippi River has cost the local economy upwards of $1 billion and caused untold ecological damage. What do you think?
“That was water in there before? I always assumed it was trash from Missouri mixed with liquid cancer.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“I guess it’s better than a Daiquiri Spill. Now that would be tragic.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“Gas is at $4.20 a gallon. Where my siphon at?”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“Maybe this means the River Pilots Association will finally consider my application for employment.”
–Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
“This just ain’t our decade, I guess.”
–Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
CBD — Despite months of anticipation, there will be no FagetDome playing host to Saints games or Sugar Bowls.
Today, the Superdome Commission announced that it has rejected a multi-million dollar bid from local jewelry maker Mignon Faget for naming rights to the 30-year old sports stadium.
The proposed bid, rumored to be “well above market value,” according to a party with knowledge of the offer, was rejected by commission officials due to concerns about “fit and image.”
In a written statement, newly appointed commission chairman Gaston Laborde said:
“While the offer certainly represented a more than generous offer on the part of the company, is is our view that the two organizations’ are not a good match at this time.” Full Story »
MIAMI, Florida – Amidst a violent, clockwise swirling maelstrom of controversy, the National Weather Service and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have agreed to remove a controversial name from this year’s list of storms.
Regardless of of how many storms form in the Atlantic and the Gulf this year, there will be no Hurricane Motherfu**er.
“There just wasn’t a good reception for this particular name on this year’s list,” said NOAA spokesman Gunther Goodwood. “To say we were surprised is an understatement.”
But fifth grade teacher Gloria Ard said the NOAA should have been able to predict this storm.
“We get those tracking maps every year and follow storms with students. How are we supposed to talk to students about a hurricane named Motherfu**er? How does that possibly go in the Wednesday Weekly newsletter?”
RIVERFRONT – Citing the struggles presented by a high gas prices and a slow economic recovery, a growing group of New Orleanians has contacted the Aquarium of the Americas to decades-old refunds on engraved brick donations.
Angelina Bomenicki received a donated brick as a Christmas gift while still in junior high. It reads: “Merry Christmas, Angina.”
Now a parent with a daughter in junior high to support and facing a subprime mortgage, she feels the refund is her best way to make ends meet.
“The government is just taking too long with my stimulus check, and I’ve got bills to pay,” Bomenicki said.
“It was a really lame gift. I wanted a Hypercolor shirt that year. This is my chance to get back on my feet and right a wrong from a long time ago.”
The Creole-Tomato Health column on May 27 about the nationwide Salmonella-Tomato scare misstated some aspects of the case of the online parody new site The Creole-Tomato.
The Creole-Tomato, New Orleans’ Localest News Source, is not infected with Salmonella.
It is safe to read, write comments, and forward to ya Ma and ‘em.
The editors, with the full support of the United States Centers for Disease Control and the State of Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals, wish to assure our readers that The Creole-Tomato is safe for everyday consumption by adults, children, and animals.
The Creole-Tomato welcomes comments and suggestions, or complaints about errors that warrant correction. You can post your comments below any story on the site or you can email us at thecreoletomato@gmail.com
METAIRIE PRACTICE FACILITY – In what has become a familiar off-season rite of passage, today Tom Benson threatened to move the entire city of New Orleans to San Antonio if he does not receive special subsidies from the State and Parish government.
“The population is down, costs are up; investment is down, foreclosures are up,” argued Benson.
“You have to question the long-term economic viability of keeping the City of New Orleans here in this location.”
“That said, I am 100% committed to keeping New Orleans in New Orleans forever,” he added. “I just need help from our partners in Baton Rouge to make it work.”
Benson called on the Governor to appoint a special commission to negotiate a package of tax breaks, parking fee increases, infrastructure improvements, and direct payments to him.
CBD – His given name is Fred Radtke, president of the Louisiana not-for-profit organization Operation: Clean Sweep.
But he’s called The Gray Ghost.
This elusive anti-graffiti vigilante uses his signature gray paint to cover up blights on our fair city’s landscape.
And while some people consider him a great citizen fighting to help keep New Orleans beautiful others consider him a vandal that is only adding to the problem.
Now The Gray Ghost is painting with an entirely different brush-in a court of law.
His target? Michael “Rex” Dingler, artist and founder of NolaRising, a public art campaign of whimsical, bright sign art installations around the city.
7TH WARD-Prosecutors are moving forward with a full scale investigation and potential indictments of at least seventeen suspected drug abusers in the rank and file of the NOPD Meter Maid Corps.
Suspicions of steroid and HGH abuse began when several outspoken citizens noted the increased bulk of and overall poor attitude of a large proportion of CBD Meter Maids.
Special Investigator Donny Tenaglia of the NOPD Internal Affairs Division has been eyeing the parking ticket scribes for six months or more.
The good folks who write the City of New Orleans Parking Citations have consistently been an agreeable, affable group in the past. They, as a whole, were a real cheerful group of gals.”
“But lately, we’ve documented a significant negative shift in disposition that can only be attributed to ‘roid-rage.’”
FRENCH QUARTER – After being awarded a $1.35 million Jefferson Parish School Garbage contract, SDT Waste and Debris Services President Sidney Torres IV realized something about this place we call home.
There can be only one.
Torres IV-real estate developer, Louisiana native, owner of SDT and its signatute fleet of sleek, black garbage trucks-is rich, famous, and quirky.
Many believe the solid waste impresario is the perfect fit to fill the void left in the collective Orleanian heart by the recent passing of fried chicken giant Alvin C. Copeland.
Longtime associate of rock musician Leonard Kravitz, Torres IV has captivated the local populace with publicity stunts, active media coverage, and effortless entrepreneurial whiz.
Torres IV, a man of the people, does not shy from getting his hands dirty or, for that matter, any available camera.
Five members of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity of Tulane University are accused of participating in a violent hazing incident that left two pledges with severe burns. What do you think?
“Fraternities make you drink a lot and do stupid shit. Sounds a little bit redundant for New Orleans, right?” -C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“I didn’t know Jewish kids from New Jersey and Connecticut like to haze each other.” -Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“The drink specials at TJ Quills and Bruno’s must not have been good that night.” -Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
“When Dean Wermer finds out about this, these boys are going to be in hot water.” -Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“As long as they use a safe word, whatever consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedroom is all right with me.” -Lance Fratinelli, Freelance Jewelry Designer, Fabourg-Marigny
LOWER 9TH WARD – The Mardi Gras Indians today announced plans to construct a casino on their sovereign tribal lands in the Lower 9th Ward.
Today’s official notification to the Federal Bureau of Indian Affairs was a long-expected formality, the culmination of three years of behind-the-scenes work to unite the tribes after the death of Allison “Tootie” Montana in 2005 and the devastation of Hurricane Katrina.
“The tragedies and challenges of life on the reservation are well-documented,” said Chief Theodore “Bo” Dollis of the Wild Magnolias tribe.
“Poor access to education, high rates of alcoholism, limited economic opportunities–our tribes deserve better. And tribal gaming can help us do it.”
TREME – In its 1st Quarter earnings conference call presentation to Wall Street analysts today, Rebirth Brass Band Chairman and C.E.O. Philip Frazier announced a sweeping restructuring that will cut at least 1,500 jobs.
Rebirth Brass Band (NYSE: RBB) is the metropolitan area’s fourth largest employer, behind Tulane, Ochsner, and Avondale.
“In the end, it all came down to simple math,” said Frazier.”
While we sell out The Maple Leaf every Tuesday, our strategies to diversify the Rebirth brand beyond our core business into downloadable ringtones, aluminum manufacturing, and plastics have not succeeded as quickly as we’d hoped.”
“Plus, with the price of oil being what it is, the nation’s continuing subprime mortgage woes, and the overall strength of The Mighty Euro, competing for the New Orleans entertainment dollar presents an increasing challenge.”
MAGAZINE STREET – In response to the CDC Health Advisory issued April 3 on recent irony outbreaks in the United States, The Creole-Tomato has developed a special page on its Web site here for local citizens to learn more about the condition.
Irony–or, as it as known to those already infected, “Irony”–is a highly contagious disease that is transmitted by respiratory droplets, neighborhood choice, and fashionable T-shirts.
Although “Irony” was never an endemic disease in Europe, it remains epidemic in many american cities including but not limited to the Silverlake neighborhood in Los Angeles, the University of Texas campus in Austin, and the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle.
CDC Scientists believe that the Williamsburg, Brooklyn “hipster” may be the original source or “Patient Zero” of this outbreak. Other outbreaks in several parts of the country have been linked to importation from the Brooklyn neighborhood.
Shockingly, the same faction of CDC scientists has stated large outbreaks currently are occurring in New Orleans, Louisiana.
Landrieu, Babelle, Ensler, and the Honorable Vagina Friendly
CBD – While the famous New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival Posters become collectors’ items each year, typically selling out even before the close of the second weekend, the New Orleans V-Day poster fell flat according to V-Day Director of Marketing Sally Koenig.
“Jazz Fest posters honor great and influential people in the world of jazz and heritage. This year it’s Irma Thomas and Kermit Ruffins.
We here at V-Day were grateful for the Honorable C. Ray Nagin’s comments in preparation for our celebration and awareness campaign that we decided to do the same thing.”
BAYOU BARRIERE – President Bush’s recent visit to the Crescent City led to an international emergency when his Chalmette Ferry, the Minnow, was lost on a survey of the area’s restoration efforts.
Bush, who was in town for the two-day North American Leaders Summit to discuss trade agreements with Mexico and Canada, had joined a crew for a 3-hour tour of post-Katrina Chalmette.
Reports stated that the weather started getting rough, and the tiny ship was tossed. And it was thought that because of Bush’s ineptitude, the Minnow would be lost.
The Minnow would be lost.
Hours later the Ferry was discovered at an uncharted Chalmette pile…
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
Ochsner Hospital(ity)
THE DISTRICT – In yet another sign of the Ochsner Hospital Foundation’s continued monopolization of the Crescent City holistic health care market, hospital officials today broke ground on the Ochsner Full Body Massage Clinic.
“We believe that Alton Ochsner would be proud of our new massage parlor, I mean clinic, conveniently located just off Basin Street, in what was once Storyville, just two blocks from the Quarter” stated Allen Williamson, Administrative Director for Ochsner.
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
CITY HALL -New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin met with local and national sponsors at a formal ceremony at Gallier Hall to unveil a new New New Orleans festival to be called “Festival Fest.”
Festival Fest-which is strategically scheduled to fall between French Quarter Fest and Jazz Fest-will be sponsored by Freeport Mc-Moran, Russell’s Marina Grill, and Campo the Appliance Giant.
“We’re going to have tents representing all the other major festivals in the city,” said Festival Fest promoter Dint Quavis.”There will be The JazzFest Tent, The French Quarter Fest Tent, The Essence Fest Tent, and the Cox Cable/Southern Comfort VooDoo Fest Tent.”
“It’s a festival of fests, really.”
“We’re even in talks to have an all-night Southern Decadence Fest Tent featuring Special Guest Star DJ Victor Calderone,” Quavis added.
Not to be left out, JeffFest organizers will plan the sales of all water filtration devices, “How Ya Gonna Clap” Beer Coozies, and politically-motivated buttons outside the Festival Fest gates.
According to Louisiana Recovery Authority (LRA) economists, Festival Fest is expected to have an impact on the local economy in the millions and take away thousands of free parking spaces from local residents.
Tickets to Festival Fest will be $80 in advance, $90 at the door.
A Mass will be said Monday at 2 p.m. for Al Copeland, the restaurant magnate who died Sunday of complications from cancer treatment in Munich, Germany. He was 64.
The Mass will be at Holy Name of Jesus Catholic Church on St. Charles Ave. Visitation will start at 11 a.m.
Funeral Services by Lake Lawn Metairie Funeral Home.
Floral arrangements by Fiora de Zuca.
Catering by Sweet Fire and Ice.
Limos by A-Confidential.
Fireworks by Redneck Johnny’s of West Bank Expressway.
Helicopter Rose Petal Drop by Bisso Transport.
Snow Machines by Andre’s Party Mart.
Castles by Blaine Kern.
Laser Light Show sponsored by Harrah’s.
Swans on loan from the Audubon Society.
Animatronics by Disney.
Speedboats by Coastline Dash, Inc.
Spinning Upside Christmas Trees by Santa’s Workshop.
Pyrotechnics by Beaver Productions.
Buttermilk Biscuits by Popeyes.
GENTILLY — After a flaccid first quarter performance, Wagner’s Meat (NSDQ: WGMT) has failed to meet quarterly earnings expectations for the first time in its history.
The New Orleans-based meat and provisions purveyor reported earnings of 35 cents per Class A Share on revenue of $2.45 million. That’s well below earnings of last year’s first quarter earnings of $1.17 per share on $5.6 million in revenue.
“Clearly, we can be beaten,” said C.E.O. Richard “Dick” Wagner. “It’s been hard; we’ve been spanked.”
The Late Mr. and Mrs. Clarence Edwards of Avoyelles Parish announce the marriage of their son Gov. Edwin Washington Edwards, J.D. to Rep. David Ernest Duke, Ph.D. on Friday, March 15, 2008 at the Oakdale Facility Non-Demoninational Chapel in Oakdale, Louisiana.
The Groom, a former four-term Governor of the State of Louisiana, was graduated from Louisiana State University and the Louisiana State University School of Law, where he was a member of Gamma Alpha Psi, the law honor society, and served as treasurer of Kappa Epsilon fraternity. He is currently inmate #03128-095 at the Federal Correctional Institution in Oakdale, Louisiana.
The Groom, a former Grand Wizard of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and two-term member of the Louisiana State House of Representatives from the 81st District, was graduated from Louisiana State University and the Federal Correctional Facility at Big Springs, Texas, where he and the other Groom first met. He is currently the President of EURO, the European American Unity and Rights Organization, an organization for European American patriots.
After a honeymoon in Angola, the couple will reside in Cell Block D, Tier 4.
After numerous Freedom of Information Act requests and even a sit-down with Hizzoner himself, The Times-Picayune and WWL-TV have been unable to get to the bottom of the most pressing political question of 2008: what, exactly, is Mayor C. Ray Nagin doing during “downtime?”
While our rival media outlets may wilt in the heat of the corridors of power, The Creole-Tomato Investigative Reporting Bureau never quits. When the public asks a question, we demand an answer.
“Nothing much, really. Just the backbreaking work of repairing my home, healing my community, and rebuilding the city that I love brick by brick every day.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
The vital New Orleans Ghost Tour industry has been rocked by numerous sightings of one of its most famous former practitioners: slain 15-year veteran Ghost Tour guide Bartholemew Samson.
South Georgia Cosmetic Surgeon Association Convention attendee Doctor Ed Clarence Boney alleges visual evidence.
“From where I was standing I could make out his top hat, cane, rose-colored spectacles and double chin.”
“I was haunted, to say the least,” Dr. Boney added.
Quarter rat Danny Simeon corroborates the story.
“It seemed he was leading a tour of like specters, all from out of town. Ghosts from such places as Cheyenne, Cleveland, Sacramento. I could clearly see them shades ain’t from here.
“I got a bag full of weed, a Whitman’s Sampler, and I’m off the pill. We’re going to the Fly.”
–Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
“I’m going to Gordon’s of Gretna to get some plastic flowers. They last all year.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“My man loves it when I melt Velveeta over a Hubig’s in the microwave.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“I’m taking one of my baby mamas on a romantic date night away at the Texas Motel.”
–Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
“Kenny’s Key West, a couple of buttery nipples, and sex in the back of a limo by A Confidential.”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“There’s really no difference between Mardi Gras Beads and Anal Beads. Besides, they keep getting bigger every year.”
–Lance Fratinelli, Freelance Jewelry Designer, Fabourg-Marigny
With the Marching 100 in such high demand every Carnival Season, the extracurricular coordinators at St. Aug have been in closed door discussions with prominent genetic scientists from Korea and Switzerland.
At a press conference on the grounds of this Orleans Parish institution, Band Director Professor Doctor Reverend Ernest Johnson Jackson Jr. announced that systematic laboratory work has been underway since August 2005.
Understanding the immense threat of global climate change, Flambeaux announced today that they are going green. Under the plan released today, the highly polluting propane tanks worn on the backs of all Flambeaux will be replaced by a clean burning hydrogen fuel cell whose only emission is water.
“We gotta do our part to reduce our carbon footprints,” said long time Flambeau Marlin Boulet.
“We’re also talkin’ about buyin’ some of them carbon offsets down by Rouse’s.”
Funding will be provided by celebrity greenographer Leonardo DiCaprio, whose interest in a green New Orleans extends beyond little pink houses.
It’s a tradition as old as New Orleans itself. A new population influx brings new cultures and new community. The only left to do is start a new Krewe.
Today the New Orleanian Mexican community announced plans to join this grand tradition with the launching of a new Carnival Krewe.
“We’re all good Catholics here,” said Mexican Community Leader Jorge Suarez. “We understand the importance of getting completely ripshit before Lent.”
In a departure from Mardi Gras tradition, Blaine Kern has not been contracted to construct any of the Quetzalcoatl’s floats, as the Krewe itself can build them in half the man hours at half the cost.
The Krewe of Quetzalcoatl will roll on the Uptown Route through Lee Circle on Lundi Gras Day.
So it looks like “K-Ville” was just the beginning.
Looking to capitalize on the buzz around the Emmy win for Spike Lee’s epic Katrina documentary “When the Levees Broke” and the premiere of the new FOX series “K-Ville,” Hollywood production companies are scrambling to come up with new Louisiana-themed shows.
It’s a boon to the local film and television industry and a vindication of the Lieutenant Governor’s push to give the industry a new round of lucrative tax breaks.
Here’s a rundown of what’s currently in production:
“T-Town”
A buddy action-comedy about two oddly matched police officers fighting crime Westbank style.
“The J.P.”
A teen drama depicting the trials and tribulations of privileged young residents of Jefferson Parish’s posh lakefront era north of West Esplanade.
Two years after New Orleans reopened its doors from Hurricane Katrina, lack of available housing has allowed landlords to price many would-be tenants out of the city’s housing market. With residential areas slowly rebuilding to create more housing options, logic should dictate that rents will drop; but it seems the highest rents are still to come as New Orleans reclaims it’s highest ground-Monkey Hill.
“First the water rose, now it’s the rent,” complains 33-year-old Zach Bougelais, who lives with his parents’ in their one-story mid-city home.
“This was supposed to be a temporary situation, but people are crazy with what their charging now; so I’m still with my Mama and Daddy, and we’re trying to make the best of it.”
If living with your parents at 33 seems uncomfortable, imagine also sharing that same home with your wife, your two children, your elderly grandmother, your cousin and his out-of-work girlfriend, three dogs, two cats, and a cockatoo.
“Some days I don’t know what to do,” says Zach. “It feels like a zoo in here!”
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
New Orleans is joining the ranks of London, New York, Chicago, and other cities around the world that use closed-circuit television (CCTV) cameras to deter crime.
But with a key difference.
The cameras in the cash-strapped Crescent City are being paid for entirely by private money put up by the producers of the popular “Girls Gone Wild” video series.
Plans for the network of sixty security cameras in and around the French Quarter were announced at joint press conference on Bourbon Street by New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin and “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis.
Calling the cameras “an historic example of public-private partnership,” Mayor Nagin said he sees these wandering, robotic eyes as being a critical piece of the city’s overall crime-reduction strategy, particularly in the tourist-laden French Quarter.
“I say to all the pickpockets, drug dealers, drunk and disorderlies, and other nefarious elements in our fair city: we got our eyes on you,” said Nagin.
Editors’ Note: This article originally appeared in Where Y’at Magazine.
83% of New Orleans pre-schoolers have experienced feelings of sadness and confusion when they are referred to “pre-Kers” (or when their class is referred to as “pre-K”) because it makes them feel associated with a time before the Hurricane, a new study claims.
The study, conducted by researchers at the Tulane School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine, is expected to have far-reaching effects on education in the city.
Mrs. Loretta Guidry, whose son is in pre-school said, “These children are living it! They’re not ‘Pre-K,’ these are ‘Post-K’ children!
“[Her Son] Little Larry’s is always crying, like he’s getting picked on. It started with teachers just calling them ‘pre-K,’ then the older kids started bullying him. It just hurts the community!”
The Staff of the Creole-Tomato, in somber recognition of this grim 2-year anniversary of the storm has beat the streets in an effort to find out what New Orleanians are doing to mark the occasion.
Greta Falconi of the 7th Ward has organized seven of her neighbors to relocate their refrigerators curbside for three weeks as a nod to all the lost appliances and sordid odors of two years past.
Michelle Breaux has repainted the orange X on the façade of her Garden District home. Full Story »
The Tchoupitoulas Street Wal-Mart Supercenter will be closed for the foreseeable future, according to Local Manager, Israel Green, after a riot with subsequent looting erupted last Thursday.
Reports state the outburst of violence was related to the store’s placement of the HBO documentary, “When the Levees Broke” in the discount bin at the low price of $7.99.
The documentary directed by Spike Lee, which was initially met with skepticism by local residents, has become respected, locally and critically, since it’s airing during the first year anniversary of Katrina last fall. Full Story »
Heeding the warnings of Bill Proenza, the recently reassigned Director of the National Hurricane Center, Senator Mary Landrieu has introduced legislation, S. 1509, to replace the aging weather satellite, QuikSCAT, which is already more than five years past its intended length of service and currently limps along on a back-up transmitter.
Her proposed replacement: Nash Roberts
If QuikSCAT falters, experts estimate that the accuracy of two-day forecasts will suffer by 10 percent and three-day forecasts by 16 percent, which translates into miles of coastline and the difference between a city being evacuated or not. Full Story »
“To every glassy-eyed teenage runaway; to every pot-smoking trust fund baby in search of ‘the authentic’; to every sweaty, dreadlocked, patchouli-wearing, unemployed bassist with an underfed pit-bull and vicious body odor-we want to say to you: come home.” Full Story »
A shocking story has recently been uncovered in Jefferson Parish. A pre-Rite Aid drugstore, once thought extinct, in southeastern Louisiana, has survived time, economic flailing, and Hurricane Katrina. A K&B drugstore has been discovered which has sent commercially sentimental New Orleanians and local preservationists reeling.
The Creole-Tomato has sent its entire investigative team to the township of Westwego, where this dormant, endangered convenience store operates this very day. Your on-the-spot C-T has secured the exclusive interview with K&B franchised proprietor, Ernold Becnel.
C-T: Are you aware, Mr. Becnel, that the Katz & Bestoff pharmacy and sundries convenience store was bought out by the national drugstore chain Rite-Aid nearly ten years ago?
Becnel: Rite-Aid? What’s that, some kinda 10-K thirst-quencher? Anyways why y’all coming here tonight? We close at 10pm, sharply.
C-T: Mr. Becknel, don’t you realize that K&Bs are extinct?
CBS News recently reported that the 18-mile long Hangzhou Bay Bridge has stolen the record for the world’s longest bridge from New Orleans’ own Lake Pontchartrain Causeway.
This announcement marks the first time in history that 18 is considered greater than 24, the approximate Causeway mileage; and has sent confused mathematicians, physicists, and scientists back to their textbooks only to discovery that the age old idiom has been right all along: less is more!
“23.87 is greater than 18,” contemplated UCLA Professor Terence Chi-Shen Tao. Full Story »
CBS News has reported China’s 18-mile Hangzhou Bay Bridge to be the longest in the world, despite the fact that the Causeway is 23.87 miles. What do you think?
“I’ve been telling my public school students for years 24 is less than 18.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“Woah. This new math makes me think I’ve been lying to all the wrong people.”
–Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
“18 is more than 24, and I’ve got negative income. Ergo, Bill Gates better get his poor ass out of my house!”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“Lost the world record? But isn’t it better to be 2nd runner up?
–Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
“I don’t care how much shorter the trip is. I’m not crossing that lake to eat at Trey-Yen.”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
Community activists and local law enforcement authorities are expressing concern that the recent federal government deadline to evacuate all FEMA trailers has lead to an increased Romulan presence on the neutral ground (also known as The Neutral Zone).
“The Romulan presence on the neutral ground is in direct violation of the contract brokered between the federal government and the Romulans after Hurricane Katrina,” said Captain James Luke Pikirk of the Federals. Full Story »
It’s been one of the city’s most well-known advertising slogans for the last few decades-the famous phrase at the end of every radio commercial for Fat City nightspot Kenny’s Key West.
“Limos by A Confidential.”
But now no more.
Kenny’s Key West, LLC (NYSE: KKW) announced that it has placed its estimated $5,000 limousine account into review, touching off what will no doubt become a feverish competition to win the business of the city’s most lucrative nightclub transportation contract.
Industry rumors are swirling as to what brought on the review.
Secretary-Treasurer of Madams and Prostitutes Local 69 (AFL-CIO) Amber Sparkles has a bone to pick with Senator Vitter.
“After Katrina, this community banded together to support one another and shop local. I just think that our elected officials should set a better example for our kids,” said Secretary Sparkles.
She cited the potential impact on the local economy- particularly the loss of business from Airline Highway motels.
“I know those people in Washington have a reputation for screwing people over royally, but we’ve got some got damn fine ladies down here in New Orleans who could really use the business.”
Local 69 is considering a one-day John strike out of protest.
The New Orleans East Chapter of the International Brotherhood of Strippers, Exotic Dancers and Steamfitters is meeting later tonight at Visions on Downman Road to discuss a sympathy job action.
Recent laws passed by Jefferson Parish Councilman Louis Congemi have failed to stop the migration of “Taco Trucks” into the city and has even put Congemi on the defensive after numerous unintended consequences.
In a C-T interview, Congemi felt that his biggest mistake was enforcing all taqueria carts to provide a bathroom.
“I would like to apologize to the good people of Terrytown. You didn’t deserve this,” he stated referring to the devastating Terry Parkway traffic jam of last week.
The gridlock, which was induced by a Port-A-Lette that was poorly secured to a moving taqueria cart, has since paralyzed one of the main thoroughfares of the West Bank and may have ruined the summer for many children who patron Skate Country U.S.A.
Larry Breaux of Breaux’s Kool Sno-Balls of Terrytown, near the sight of the “accident,” feels he has seen it all.
Editor’s Note: Economists use many measurements-both formal and informal-to gauge inflation and consumer purchasing power.
In 1986, the influential global business periodical The Economist introduced the “Big Mac Index.” The index tracks the price of the world’s most famous hamburger in 50 countries.
By tracking the price of a single, consistent commodity (a Big Mac in Syracuse, NY is identical to a Big Mac in Singapore), you can judge the purchasing power of global currencies and track inflation.
(See it here: http://www.economist.com/markets/Bigmac/Index.cfm) Today, The Creole-Tomato is launching “The Hubig’s Index,” a sophisticated macroeconomic tool to gauge the health of the area economy and consumer purchasing power by tracking the price of a Hubig’s Pie.
Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms. Mixes Easy, Just Add People!
Taking a cue from the enterprising criminal element of New Orleans, Federal agents from the Secret Service and Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms today announced a new contract to purchase firearms from Elliott’s Gun Shop on Jefferson Highway.
“In the past five years, guns from Elliott’s have been connected to more than 125 murder investigations and over 500 drug crimes in the New Orleans area,” said Agent Malcom Berglund of the ATF.
“Clearly, they offer quality products at reasonable prices that have a long track record of performing as advertised. That’s what we’re looking for in a federal government vendor.”
An anonymous source inside the Louisiana State Attorney General’s office has revealed that recently named Ochsner Chief of Medicine Momus Alexander Morgus, MD, also known as Morgus the Magnificent, is a “person of interest” in the death of Ochsner Head of Surgery, Chopsley, during the chaotic days after Hurricane Katrina shattered New Orleans.
CNN first reported in October that staff members at the medical center had discussions with Morgus about euthanizing Chopsley for the good of the “Higher Order” even before the hurricane flooded the city on Monday, August 29, 2005, cutting off power and stranding hundreds of thousands of residents. Full Story »
There is one bright spot in the New Orleans’ slow economic recovery: sales of Fleur De Lis tattoos are booming.
Snake’s Tattoo Parlor of New Orleans yesterday announced plans to develop a drive-up tat-shop at the high profile Uptown intersection of St. Charles and Napoleon avenues.
The site is currently occupied by a Rite Aid drugstore that never reopened after Hurricane Katrina and is being demolished. Richard “Snake” Richaud, 53, plans to begin building his branch during the third quarter of this year and officially open it by the first quarter of 2008.
So how will the new world-famous coffee shop compete? By bringing a Starbucks twist to an old favorite: the beignet.
“The new Fair Trade Certified Starbucks Beignets are certified to be made of 100% organic flour and deep-fried in 100% organic lard,” said Starbucks Southern Region Spokesperson Sheila Trandy.
In reference to your story entitled “Proposed Jackson Square Starbucks to Serve Organic, Fair Trade Beignets,” I for one would like to applaud commitment of the Starbucks Corporation to the recovery of the City of New Orleans.
At a time when outside investment is scarce, Starbucks is making a bold choice to support the city in our time of gravest need.
Not that I have any personal experience dealing with the grumblings of an insular, isolationist populace in the face of true progress, but I imagine that it must be very difficult for anyone who wants to create a restaurant-style experience that New Orlenians would have to travel to Houston or Baton Rouge to find.
Recall if you will the heated contention between local celebutard luddite Anne Rice and visionary restaurateur Al Copeland just a few short years ago.
Mr. Copeland has remained to rebuild New Orleans. Ms. Rice, in contrast, has fled to California to write either erotica or religious-themed fiction, whatever it is exactly she’s writing now.
Grand Isle-based architectural firm Betsy, Andrew, Lily, Camille, and Partners today announced plans to open a new Lakeview office at the corner of Harrison and Fleur de Leis, site of the former Lakeview Chicken and Ribs.
BALC and Partners, as the firm is known, specializes in cutting-edge elevated construction techniques.
Most known for private residences, their stunning portfolio includes some of the most famous structures in Placquemines and St. John the Divine Parishes including “The Robicheax House” in Pilot Town, “The Whistling Cranes” in Cutoff, and “Where My Wife Can’t Find Me” in Venice.
In a press conference yesterday at Moisant International Airport, United Airlines Chief Marketing Officer Frederick Stout today announced that the airline would begin a new twice nonstop service to Denver beginning June 1.
The flights will be a season promotion ending December 1.
“We think that come June the first, many New Orleanians will be eager to visit the mile high city of Denver,” Stout said.
The Faubourg-Marigny Community Association will be holding an urgent community meeting to discuss our opposition to the proposed State of Louisiana ban on cockfighting.
The meeting will be held next Tuesday at 2 am at The Bourbon Pub/Parade Nightclub. 801 Bourbon Streeet.
June 1st marks the beginning of Hurricane Season. Contractors in New Orleans, building severe weather protection systems, are busy struggling to meet the deadlines set earlier in the recovery efforts.
Local governments along the Gulf Coast are penning the final elements of evacuation plans. Mayor Nagin, the recently re-elected mayor of the Choc…of New Orleans has defined “mandatory,” as “recommended.”
Federal government agencies are preparing for the worst. FEMA, in particular, sees a rocky road ahead. FEMA Administration spokeswoman, Liza D. Sete says her agency is actively seeking repayment for the “loan” it signed off on in September 2005. “Blanco hasn’t even made a dent in the interest payment.” Sete claims. Full Story »
“How can I sell my house if I can’t afford a sign?”
If you put off buying “For Sale” Signs on Thursday, it’s going to cost you. “For Sale” Sign retailers throughout low lying parishes and counties across the Gulf Coast are raising prices-most by 10 to 12 cents a letter.
While Creole Tomato reporters watched Tuesday morning, the Roger’s Ace Hardware in the Irish Channel, New Orleans, went from $2.77 to $2.89 for a letter of regular “For Sale” Signs.
“There only six letters in ‘For Sale,’ says Clarence Graves, local homeowner, “But it adds up fast. I can’t sell my house if I can’t afford a sign.”
Steve & Jenny’s Hardware on Highway 90 in Waveland, MS made the same price jump yesterday, according to our partners at ForSaleSignsAccountability.com.
“The New Orleans economy needs Mardi Gras. Till my insurance check arrives, I’m shaking my fun bags for dem “Girls Gone Wild” videos.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“We gonna have Mardi Gras sure as I’ve danced through dung on a parade route. And let me tell you from personal experience, those horses have got some dung!”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
A moment on the lips, forever on the political resume.
Dwane Robinson’s ice cream shop hasn’t seen many customers since Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans nearly five months ago. But the 46 year-old owner of a Central Business District Baskin Robbins franchise is hoping that a new promotional flavor called “Chocolate City” will change all that.
“There’s just not that many people here and the people that’s here don’t really want ice cream,” Robinson said. “I hope this fundraiser will turn things around.”
The fundraiser is from the new flavor itself. Baskin Robbins will donate 20% of all profits from the sale of “Chocolate City” to various hurricane relief and rebuilding efforts.
A group of Lakeview residents currently living in trailers have expressed their strong opposition to Mayor Nagin’s plan to put trailers camps at multiple sites in Lakeview.
Their message: “Not in my trailer’s backyard.”
The opposition of the group, known as the Lakeview Trailer Association, comes at a time when a group of noted economists have argued that the city’s recovery is being delayed by the scarcity of affordable housing.
In addition, FEMA currently has more than 30,000 trailers ready to move into the city to house thousands of displaced New Orlenians who are ready to come home and rebuild their lives. If only enough suitable sites can be found.
With the passing of Twelfth Night, Mardi Gras is just beginning to enter most people’s minds, but for Alton Butto and his Mardi Gras Ladder business, Fat Tuesday is a day that requires year-round preparation.
Only this year, with Katrina disrupting and perhaps even canceling portions of the annual festival, he has hundreds of Mardi Gras Ladders that may go to waste.
“Just ain’t much hope they’re going to move,” Butto said from his crowded warehouse in Bogalusa, LA. “Right now, we’re slowing down production to almost a crawl, really anticipating that very few folks are going to want one this year.”
The production does not involve the actual manufacture of ladders, but rather a small bench (often with a safety bar) that bolts to the top of the ladder. From this bench, children can better view parades and catch beads in the crowds.
With his storage facility completely overcrowded, Butto has forced his employees to store ladders in their own homes.
Garland Robinette, the New Orleans television and radio journalist, has drowned. He was 68.
Robinette began losing oxygen during the Wednesday afternoon broadcast of his talk radio show, “The Think Tank with Garland Robinette,” on WWL-870 AM.
Robinette faltered while Harold from New Orleans East explained how President Bush, The Shaw Group, and Halliburton were only interested in New Orleans because “there’s oil under the ground in the Lower 9th Ward.”
“What’s your source,” Robinette asked.
“LSU.edu,” the caller replied. “UNO.edu. Whatever. Look it up, Garland.”
“I can’t breathe,” Robinette replied.
Engineers rushed into the broadcast booth to try to save him, but their efforts were too late.
“We should have seen the signs,” said Station Manager Keith Taylor. “Garland’s been under a lot of stress lately, dealing with the deluded ramblings of a paranoid and vocal populace.” Full Story »
At a press conference today in Washington, DC, The First Opportunistic Office of Louisiana Economic Development (FOOLED) announced the four finalists in its “Master Plan to Rebuild Lakeview” competition.
FOOLED, not to be confused with the Florida’s FLOODED agency, first announced the competition three months ago. The organization received 1,574 proposals on how to what to redevelop the struggling New Orleans community so many people used to call home.
Proposals have floated up from community developers, world famous interior designers, visionary architects and even the guy with the Manuel Hot Tamales van that used to park by Stan and Dan’s gas station.
Detailed models for four finalist master plans will be on display for a three month general public review and comment period near the big garbage pile on West End Avenue.
The four finalists are detailed below.
Lake Lakeview
Seaside at Destin’s developer Hiram Oestricher has proposed Lake Lakeview, a Venice, Italy themed lifestyle neighborhood.
The developer would allow the Corps to undermine the levees through careful negligence, and let the neighborhood fill back up, creating a network of scenic canals.
The centerpiece of the plan is Oestricher’s reimagination of the railroad pass over Canal Boulevard as the Pontevecchio over the American Grand Canal.
The display depicted Mr. Bingle smashing a store window with a giant candy cane.
It’s no ordinary holiday season in New Orleans this year, so Celebration in the Oaks designer Claude St. Pierre decided to add an unconventional scene to this year’s traditional holiday display.
He thought the beloved New Orleans holiday character Mr. Bingle using an enormous candy cane to loot the Maison Blanche on Canal Street struck just the right humorous tone.
But after complaints from visitors, City Park officials have instructed St. Pierre to dismantle it.
“Although most people did enjoy the decorations, a few visitors found the display to be in poor taste,” said a statement issued by Celebration in the Oaks organizers.
The “Mr. Bingle Looting” scene had sat among the grand, traditional displays of gleaming lights, Santa and his elves, and the Baby Jesus asleep in the manger. Full Story »
Under pressure from Governor Blanco, Mayor Nagin, and thousands of angry parents to reopen the public schools more quickly, the Orleans Parish School Board announced today that it would combine McDonough numbers 15, 42, 32, and 35 into one 24-hour “super school.”
The new school will be called McDonough #114.
The plan copies heavily from efforts by area private and parochial schools to retain students with a two-shift school day. One set of students attends classes from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m., while another studies from 4 p.m. to 11 p.m.
Rummel/Brother Martin/Mt. Carmel and St. Martin’s/Jesuit currently have such arrangements.
The McDonough #114 plan, however, calls for a third shift of students from midnight to 7 a.m. Full Story »
The Governor’s Office of Coastal Activities today announced a new plan to use refrigerators thrown away after Katrina to restore some of the wetlands the hurricane destroyed.
“Our Christmas tree recycling program has been so successful, that we’ve decided to expand it,” said Acting Assistant Secretary Gerald M. Duszynski of the Office of Coastal Restoration and Management at a press conference in Baton Rouge.
“We looked at how our wetlands have been devastated and we looked at all the refrigerators piling up on the streets and we thought: there’s a no-brainer.”
No reliable estimates exist for the number of disposed refrigerators. Some experts put the number in just Orleans and Jefferson Parishes in the hundreds of thousands.
According to the State’s plan, the refrigerators will be bound together in a wooden fence, or pen, in a shallow open-water area. In theory, the fences will provide a wave-break that can reduce erosion and provide reefs for fish and crustaceans. Full Story »
A rare glimpse of the elusive Turducken in its natural habitat.
The Holidays just won’t be the same in Luling without Turducken.
In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, much attention has been paid to the destruction of homes, businesses, and other man-made elements. But natural destruction-particularly that of animal habitats-is taking its toll on the region as well.
Many Louisianans face the grim prospect of spending this holiday without Turducken, due to the destruction of the rare bird’s habitats and the enormous demand that comes with the season.
For Gaston Dupuis’ family, the bird is a Thanksgiving tradition. Full Story »
“With my house gone, the in-laws can’t visit.”
–Lena Schiro, Retired Substitute Teacher, Mid-City
“Police turned a blind eye to looting, so this year I got my holiday shopping done extra early. Take ‘dat, Vanna White.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“Plenty of parking and no meter maids.”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
“I’m thankful I got to tell my ex-boyfriend, Jerome Louis Jr., what an [expletive] he is before he got bussed to wherever.”
–Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
While Congress and outside flood control experts debate over funding and design, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers announced today their plan to make New Orleans impregnable to Category 5 hurricanes: Roman Candy.
“Many thought decades would pass before a solution could be found,” said Lt. Gen. Carl Strock, Commander and Chief of Engineers, U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.
“But our team of scientists and engineers have worked around the clock to arrive at this definitive solution.”
While the plan may sound unusual, other countries have their own novel flood control methods. Full Story »
In yet another sign that life in Jefferson Parish is returning to normal, the Sheriff’s Office today announced that it would immediately resume the killing of nutria in the parish’s canals.
“I know things have been crazy around here lately,” said Sheriff Harry Lee. “But it’s about time we get back to normal.”
“That’s why I’ve decided to instruct my deputies to resume randomly shooting nutria in public between the hours of 2 and 5 A.M.” Full Story »
This is the first in a series of articles on decorating your house and garden in a post-Katrina environment.
You moved from Brooklyn to the Bywater in the last five years, attracted by the vibe, low real estate prices, and a desire for “the authentic.” Now you’re authentically flooded, stuck in a city with few functioning Starbucks within New Urbanism-scale walking distance.
What’s a carpetbagger-cum-trendsetter to do in these critical fall fashion months?
There’s a fungus among us, but don’t let that smell bring you down. Full Story »
“Usufruct” is a concept in Louisiana law that comes into play when a spouse dies and allows the use of his or her home to the surviving spouse so heirs cannot sell it.
One reconstruction plan uses usufruct as a basis for people to voluntarily grant control of their property to the government for the purposes of rebuilding.
What do you think?
“Usufruct? Of the Gentilly Usufructs? I think I went to high school with the youngest sister.”
–Maureen Francis, Nurse, Gentilly
“Hands down the worst defensive lineman the Saints ever drafted in the first round.”
–Michael Duplass, Insurance Adjuster, Northshore
“All I know is, if you live near the 17th Street Canal, you’s a frucked.”
–C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
“I love that Muddy Water they have at Usufruct’s. Have they reopened yet?”
–Gina Chavet, Travel Agent, Garden District
If one good thing has come out of Hurricane Katrina, it’s that you don’t have to do no driving up to Cocodrie for some top-notch fishing spots.
There’s been great fishing right in our own backyard.The Carrollton Underpass at I-10 is shaping up to be a fantastic fishing hole. Last week I caught great perch, sac-a-lait, and lawn ornaments.
And the best part about it, there’s no limit on redfish.
The fish are easy to find. All you’ve got to do look for bubbles on the water’s surface. It’s either a fish or toxic gases escaping up from the sewer.
You’ve got to get out early, though. The National Guard humvees and garbage trucks usually start rolling through around nine, scaring all the fish.
Much has been written about what to do with looters now that the City of New Orleans is returning back to normal. Some argue for stiff penalties, while others advocate leniency as long as the merchandise can be returned.
But to truly understand this question we must put ourselves in the mindset of the looter.
Imagine if you were caught in the middle of the flood. What would you have been thinking?
My home and livelihood have been destroyed.
My city is in chaos.
My life is in danger.
But I could use a new flat-screen TV and DVD entertainment center. Full Story »
Since Hurricane Katrina, architectural preservationists and urban planners have expressed concern about the future some of New Orleans’ most famous places.
This article is the first in a series updating the status of these landmark locations and sharing the stories of the people whose lives have been profoundly affected.
Like many in the New Orleans area, Kyle Bonner and Jimmy Castalignetti have been uprooted. Both high school sophomores, the two are concerned about when, if ever, they will be able to return to a place they have spent a great deal of their youth: Puglia’s Sporting Goods.
Castalignetti and Bonner, like many of their peers, consider the sporting goods store a home away from home during the Mardi Gras season in Metairie. However, the recent events of hurricane Katrina have disrupted a time-honored tradition of gathering to drink Daiquiris in the store’s parking lot. And with damage to the store closing it for several months, the students are uncertain about when they will be able to return.
“We don’t know what’s gonna happen now,” Bonner shared as he stood in the Puglia’s parking lot in a soft rain. “Where we gonna watch the parades, bra?”
As many private schools in the New Orleans area struggle to reopen and retain students, the Orleans Parish Public School Board announced today that its schools never closed.
“Katrina hit, the city flooded, there’s been looting, mass evacuations, no power, and no potable water,” said School Board President Torin Sanders.
“But we decided to keep the schools open.”
“The New Orleans Public School Board is famous for its good decision making skills, and this is yet another example of that.”
President Sanders pointed to a key statistic to back the Board’s decision: student attendance did not drop during the storm.
Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood. Red Stick's finest.
Move over, Tom Fitzmorris. A new generation of New Orleans food critics is now exploring the delicacies found in their home state’s capital.
Though accustomed to the specialties found in the famous New Orleans’ restaurants like Trout Almandine, turtle soup, and beignets, the displaced gourmands are seeking to sate their epicurean tastes in the safe harbor of Baton Rouge.
Just off I-10 near College Drive, gastronomes can delve into a veritable flood of top-notch corporate eateries.
An old Grunch Bunch album cover now rings eerily prophetic.
In a cruel twist of fate, Benny Grunch and the Bunch ain’t there no more.
In a posting on its official website, the local novelty band announced that it will disband, effectively ending its recording career.
The group first achieved notoriety with the song “The 12 Yats of Christmas.” They then went on to record “Santa and His Reindeer (Used to Live Right Here)” and their now-prophetic runaway hit “Ain’t There No More.”
Most recently, the group had entered a new experimental phase, breaking new ground with the song “Ain’t No Place to Pee (On Mardi Gras Day).”
The news came as a shock to The Bunch’s modest fan base.
This article is the first in a series of profiles about how local businesses are cleaning up, rebuilding, and moving forward.
As Katrina approached, Attorney Morris Bart didn’t evacuate.
As the floodwaters rose, Mr. Bart and his key lieutenants bunkered down in a special emergency phone bank in his office high above Poydras Street.
The phone bank was stocked with enough food, generators, and diesel fuel to last a month. So when all of Southeast Louisiana lost power, the phones at Mr. Bart’s firm kept ringing.
Lake Pontchartrain, the imposing threat from the north.
Weeks after Hurricane Katrina left New Orleans in a state of chaos and ruin, the Pave Our Lake movement is adding its voice to the growing criticism of the city, state, and federal officials.
“We told you so,” said spokesman Wayne Boudreaux at a press conference on Wednesday afternoon.
“For years we’ve been printing thousands of bumper stickers warning the citizens of New Orleans about the risks posed by Lake Pontchartrain,” Mr. Boudreaux continued.
“Unfortunately, our warnings went unheeded. And we’ve all witnessed the tragic results.”
For decades Jesuit High School students have tried to locate the elusive roof pool which sits atop the building’s fourth floor.
“Seniors have been telling me about it since the first day of classes, but I guess it’s just for the priests who live here ’cause I don’t know of anybody who’s gotten up there,” said 8th grader Jordan Lewis.
But times have changed and improvements have been made.
President Anthony McGinn, S.J. recently announced the installation of a new swimming facility downstairs on the school’s first floor, or basement level.
Hurricane Katrina evacuees face a different world. Gone are the jobs; the houses; even the certainty of three hot meals a day; and as thousands poured into the Houston Astrodome, Red Cross volunteers became overwhelmed with the onslaught of evacuees demanding to know where they “got they shoes.”
“It’s true that many evacuees had their shoes ruined as they trampled through waist deep water,” said one volunteer.
“But we here at the Red Cross simply did not anticipate this level of desperation in regards to foot attire.”
His last gig before Hurricane Katrina made landfall was a double-bill with local act The Radiators at the Boomtown Belle Casino in Gretna, Louisiana. The concert featured a free all-you-can-eat rib bar and a voucher worth $20 of slot machine credit.
Even more surprising than the lack of government preparedness in the face of Hurricane Katrina stands a startling fact: not one of the city’s voodoo priests nor even the famed Jackson Square fortune tellers saw the devastating storm coming.
New Orleans has long prided itself on its clairvoyants whom so many tourists and local politicians put their trust into on a daily basis, but now that trust has come into question. Today, the city council is considering the creation of a special commission to investigate what went wrong.
Mr. and Mrs. Johnson M. Robicheaux of Gentilly announce the evacuation of their daughter Maurice Robicheaux with Mr. Henry Washington on Monday, August 29th 2005.
The Evacuette was graduated from Mount Carmel High School and the University of New Orleans, where she majored in Hospitality Management. She was a Reservation Specialist at the Hyatt Hotel in New Orleans. She is currently unemployed.
The Evacucuee was graduated from Brother Martin High School and Louisiana State University, where he majored in accounting and was a member of the Pi Alpha Ro Fraternity. He was an Analyst at Hibernia Bank. He is currently unemployed.
After an evacuation to a Red Cross shelter to Houma and four months in temporary housing in Dallas, the couple will reside in Lakeview.
As of press time, meterologists are predicting that Hurricane Gustav could set its sights on the still-shellshocked City of New Orleans. What do you think?
The spill of 400,000 gallons of diesel fuel into the waters of the Mississippi River has cost the local economy upwards of $1 billion and caused untold ecological damage. What do you think?
“Fraternities make you drink a lot and do stupid shit. Sounds a little bit redundant for New Orleans, right?” -C. Elgin Taylor, Flambeau, Bucktown
