Media: “We Like Ike”

MIAMI, Florida — Hurricane Ike was downgraded to a Category Three storm today, which means more nervous days of watching and worrying for the American media-industrial complex.

The smaller the force of the storm, the lower the potential ratings for the 24-hour news channels desperate to fill up their airwaves with anything that even closely resembles real news.

“National Hurricane Center calls them Saffir-Simpson scale numbers, but they might as well be Neilsen ratings points,” said CNN Managing Editor Brian Stelter.

“A Category 3 storm will give us a 3 houseold, 5 share easy,” he added.

“The best thing that could happen would be a Cat 5, giving us a 5 Neilsen Household, 8 or 9 share.”

CNN isn’t the only cable channel excited about Ike.

“As far as we’re concerned, it’s pretty much the cheapest news gathering there is,” said former MSNBC General Manager Dan Abrams.

“We scatter five or six young reporters in the hurricane’s path, turn the cameras on, and hope they don’t get blown away.”

“In fact, it’s probably even better if they get blown away,” said Abrams. “That would be an amazing picture. If the reporter could say ‘as you can see behind me…’ as they’re flying away, that would be ideal.”

“Remember that we’re not trying to show what’s actually happening with any kind of intelligence or context,” said Fox News chief Roger Ailes. “We’re just looking to show damage. It doesn’t matter exactly where it is or what caused it.

“And it REALLY doesn’t matter what we could do to prevent more of it in the future,” he added.