Four Finalists for Lakeview Master Plan Submitted for Public Comment

At a press conference today in Washington, DC, The First Opportunistic Office of Louisiana Economic Development (FOOLED) announced the four finalists in its “Master Plan to Rebuild Lakeview” competition.

FOOLED, not to be confused with the Florida’s FLOODED agency, first announced the competition three months ago. The organization received 1,574 proposals on how to what to redevelop the struggling New Orleans community so many people used to call home.

Proposals have floated up from community developers, world famous interior designers, visionary architects and even the guy with the Manuel Hot Tamales van that used to park by Stan and Dan’s gas station.

Detailed models for four finalist master plans will be on display for a three month general public review and comment period near the big garbage pile on West End Avenue.

The four finalists are detailed below.

Lake Lakeview

Seaside at Destin’s developer Hiram Oestricher has proposed Lake Lakeview, a Venice, Italy themed lifestyle neighborhood.

The developer would allow the Corps to undermine the levees through careful negligence, and let the neighborhood fill back up, creating a network of scenic canals.

The centerpiece of the plan is Oestricher’s reimagination of the railroad pass over Canal Boulevard as the Pontevecchio over the American Grand Canal.

Katrinaland

Disney has proposed fencing the boundaries of the New London Canal, Robert E Lee, Harrison and Milne to create an exciting theme park.

The devastation would remain status quo, but they would call it Katrinaland, charge fifty bucks at the door and market the hell out of it. Children can watch as out of state debris trucks rumble down the street uncovered so that more trash is spread throughout the resort.

Best of all, it’s energy efficient. “No electricity needed,” says Disney Chief of Development Don Mallard.

The Freedom Tower

New York City’s Public Development Council (NYPDC), which controls the rebuilding of the Ground Zero site, has proposed a plan to clear the site; draw up several designs for a great, glittering tower; argue about the design; tangle the engineering in the local bureaucracies; seek approval from a reticent police force; write meaningless press releases on the design and make sure that everyone in the city knows what it could be; but then decide not to break ground and leave a general feeling of apathy in the minds of the locals who initially supported the recovery efforts.

“We have experience in just this sort of thing,” said David Dentistoff, President of the New York City Public Development Council.

“Come the F–k Home”

C. Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans, proposes that the residents of Lakeview return to Lakeview. This was the only detail and extent of the official agenda put forth by his office.