Op-Ed: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Caused Katrina
by The Honorable C. Ray Nagin, Jr.

I’m gonna say it once. I’m gonna say it publicly. And I am gonna say it in plain black and white: You-Know-Who caused Katrina.

Many people may laugh at me. Many people may try to hush me up or brush me aside or send dementors after me. But I am not demented, and I am not going to Azkaban without a fight.

I have on my desk a just-published 759-page report which chronicles the history and motivations of a mad-man out to get us. While the names in the book have been changed, you’d have to be under a Confundus Charm not to see the codes of warning hidden in its pages.

Many government officials may dismiss the findings in this report, calling it a “book for children,” but I’m not going to make the same mistakes the Ministry of Magic made by ignoring the facts.

There’s a squib on my staff—that is to say, a person of wizarding heritage who lacks magical ability—and this squib believes we muggles—members of the non-wizarding community—must act now before our world is taken over by the Dark Lord.

Now, it’s a very long, complicated report; and, like I said, all the names in it have been changed since the real names are currently being “tracked” by the wizarding community as a way to prevent us from planning any counter-attack.

So, rather than using his real name, from now on I’ll refer to ‘Lord Voldemort’ as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Basically, in an effort to live forever, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named split his soul up and put the pieces of it into various artifacts—or horcruxes—once owned by history’s greatest magicians.

I believe one of these horcruxes is ‘Zombi’, the still living snake of Marie Laveau, who is so obviously known in the report by the pseudonym Salazar Slytherin.

Stick with me now.

When somebody unlocked the Chamber of Secrets where Zombi has slept all these years, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named whipped up Hurricane Katrina so that the damn snake could swim out of town quickly and without fear of death.

If we wanna prevent another Katrina, we gotta stop worrying about global warming, stop worrying about the eroding coastline, stop worrying about rebuilding altogether, and instead focus of finding that damn snake!

Once we kill that thing, along with the six other pieces of Voldemort’s soul, we can face He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself and finally put an end to what started all this destruction in the first place.

May the spirit of Dumbledore and Godric Gryffindor be with us, y’all.

The Honorable C. Ray Nagin, Jr. is the Mayor of the City of New Orleans and a self-proclaimed “Man of the Muggles”.

All opinions expressed in Op-Ed pieces are the solely those of the author. The Creole-Tomato assumes no responsibility for their content.

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